Bye Bye Bush-Wipe

While most of the nation is suffering from electile dysfunction, we here at PTB are sportin’ large woodies. Know anyone else who has primary parties? Debate dates? State-of-the-Union soireees? Probably not. But this year’s SOTU address got us pumped.


Last one EVER for WPE. YEEEEEE HAWWWWWW!!! It’s been seven years but it feels like friggin forever!


Monday, we did our annual SOTU experiment where we put a lump of coal up pj’s butt to see if he’d turned it into a diamond by the end of the speech. Sure enough…seven years WPE has opened his lie-hole to the nation and we’ve gotten ourselves a genuine booty-diamond every single time!


We watch the SOTU address as religiously as some people watch the Super Bowl. This year pResident Bush didn’t disappoint. We got fifty-three minutes of hogwash, bullshit, distortions, excuses, kiss-ups, and outright lies. The smirking little prick had all of us here at PTB whooping and hollering, cursing and yelling and throwing things at the television. When it was over, broken shot glasses littered the floor. Crushed beer cans, an empty bottle of tequila, cold pizza and an assortment of stale chips littered mom & dad’s basement to the point it looked like a Baghdad bomb site.


We won’t go over the minutiae with you, but there were some interesting tidbits we’d like to share about the SOTU address…


Nancy Pelosi is one smokin’ hot GILF.


Notice how Dick only gave standing ovations when the subject was war?


Do Supreme Court Justices wear their robes in the shower? During sex?


WPE said that, “Patients and doctors should make their own medical decisions…not the government.” If that’s the case, how come Montel can’t use medicinal marijuana and how come the right-wing is against a woman’s right to choose? Just asking.


Referring to abortions WPE said, “All life should be treated with dignity.” Notice how fetuses have rights but the minute you pop out as a human being, you’re nothing. What about dignity for our senior citizens? Dignity for poor people? What about the lives of Afghan and Iraqi civilians? And most importantly, what about the lives of American troops? Now you know why we throw things at the television.


And lastly…WPE threatened the leadership of Iran by saying, “Iran’s government oppresses a good people.” Now we know it’s hard for the pResident to wrap his tiny brain pan around right and wrong but if Iran is bad for oppressing her people…WTF is up with our bestest buddies in Saudi Arabia, Vietnam and China? Oh, right. They may be bastards, but they’re OUR bastards. Good thing the biggest bastard of ‘em all is on his way out. Sayonara sucker!

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Say It Ain't So "O"

The Kennedy patriarch sold his soul to the Devil so his progeny could become the new American royalty. We all know how THAT turned out.


Joe died in WWII…


JFK got Ozwalded (as far as you know)…


Bobby K got BobbyK’d...


Teddy proved to us all why he’ll never win a NASCAR race...


and JFK2 showed us all that he couldn’t fly as well as Mohammed Atta.


Those are just the famous examples…there are lots more.


That’s what is so disturbing about Ted Kennedy’s endorsement of the ‘Bamer…


If ANYTHING is gonna derail BO’s White House run…it’s the noonan that comes with being associated with the Kennedys. It’s scary. But we here at PTB have a solution to the problem…


One thing the pink-assed right-wing cracker rednecks hate more than brown-skinded brothers is Hillary Clinton. If the ‘Bamer makes Hil his running mate, no one would ever touch him knowing full-well that if the ‘Bamer gets capped, their worst nightmare becomes Commander-in-Chief.


Simple but effective.


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SPANK!

With the ‘Bamer layin’ a beatdown in the Palmetto State…ya gotta give props. Who’d ever thought a brown-skinded brother could win in the 864?

As they say…a change is gonna come.

Who wants to bet money that chimp-dick spouts the same old broken record of tired rhetoric out of his lie-hole tonight in the SOU…anyone?

Karl? (8.-)

Lyin'-Ass Bitches

Everybody knows that Slick Willie lied about a hummer. The cost to Americans – more than ten million dollars.


A less tangible but more devastating cost to America was the time, effort and resources wasted on digging up blue dresses, splooge stains and other dirt rather than concentrating on the economy, education, healthcare or being on the lookout for the bad guys. The result? 9/11. Thank you Republican Congress.


But it all pales in comparison to the lies told by Chimp-Dick and his traitorous cronies. Why?


The lies perpetrated by the Bush-Wipes have cost a boatload of money. But, as one of the brothers always said, “If you can throw money at a problem, then it isn’t really a problem.”


No, the most devastating cost to America is the loss of international respect, the loss of civil liberties and most of all the loss of heroic American soldiers who died fighting for lies, lies and more damned lies.


If one lie gets Congress’ panties all in a bunch, this latest revelation should have them all skidmarking their power ties. The time to impeach these un-American, traitorous, lying, sonofabitches is NOW!


As for you Mr. pResident -- we’d better not catch you here in the 775…we’ll drag you off by the ear and give you a broomstick enema or as we like to call it, the "Rudy in your Booty."


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Ron Paul, Ringo & George

Even though he looks like he gets residuals from “Cheers”…we knew “With” Romney would spanka-spanka in the 775’s Republican caucus. Hell, the Silver State is home to more LDS’ers than any other state in the union ‘ceptin’ the Beehive State.


But our hearts warmed when we saw the final tally for Ron Paul. He not only placed second in the 775’s Republican caucus, he got MORE votes than Hil, the Bamer, EasyE and every other candidate from either side of the aisle. Simply. Amazing. You know, our rule is "never trust a man with two first names" but we like Ron Paul. RoPa is so crazy he makes Jack Torrance look like Stephen Hawking. But we like that about him. Anything to scare skidmarks into the pants of the bourgie motherhubbards is just fine by us.



Typical Nevada. We don’t conform. We like it wild. To celebrate…a haiku:


Ron Paul is the man
In the seven-seven-five
Change is a-comin’


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Putting the "Us" Back In Caucus

We'll admit it...we're civics geeks. While all the other kids were out riding their Big Wheels or stuck like Velcro to the couch, watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…we were in our bedroom hand-painting Ross Perot campaign signs. So, tomorrow is the Nevada caucus and we're stoked! That being said…here is our short take on the relevant candidates. One quick note…ANYONE will be better than WPE.




Hillary Clinton – Who’ll SHE bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? America’s version of Maggie Thatcher. If she were a man, they’d call her tough. She’s a woman so they call her a bitch. No double standard there.




John Edwards – Corporate lawyer sleezeball turned anti-corporate zealot – EazyE sleeps with the fishes…or the dogs. Could win due to his metrosexuality and his smooth southern twang. Americans vote with their little heads…not their big ones.




Barack Obama – If he doesn’t get BobbyK’d, he’ll certainly get an Oswald. But there’s nothing that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment more than a brown-skinded brother. The change candidate is gonna get short-changed ‘cause there’s no way the racists and the war-mongers and conformists are gonna let a brother win.




Mitt Romney – He’s a second generation politician – smoother than a baby’s bottom. But swift-boating a Mormon is easier than poppin’ an under-funded infidel with an IED. Looks a lot like a skeevy Ted Danson.




Mike Huckabee – By declaring that the Constitution should be remade in the image of God and that Evolution is a “theory”…he needs a good nail gun accident. He forgets that the Invisible Man Up In The Sky only cares about athletes, actors and “Tel-evan-fraud-ulists.”




John McCain – War. What is it good for? You can take the dog out of the fight but you can’t take the fight out of the dog and this dog is just itchin’ for a fight. “Iran called us what?” If you have stock in Halliburton, Blackwater, Boeing or the guys that are building the immigration wall…he’s your man.




Fred Thompson – The last bad actor to run for president ran against Peanut Head, gave us the Iran/Contra scandal and trickle-down economics. What is it that makes people think a B-list actor is qualified to be the leader of the free world?




Rudi Giuliani – screwed up 9/11…Now he wants to screw things up nationally. He was in charge of the NY during “Broom Handle In The Butt-Gate”. More spouses than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Rudy makes Slick Willie look like a Shaolin Monk.




Ron Paul – This is the one cracker that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment. He’s the shiny pink version of Obama. But his views on drugs are closer to Rastafarian than republican. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.










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No. No. No. No. I Don't Drink It No More...

Yesterday was the 88th anniversary of prohibition. That means today is the 88th anniversary of our great-great grandpa Rufus' stint in the state hoosegow.


Prohibition, like other forms of repression, was a dismal failure. The reason is simple…when you tell people they can’t do something…they do it anyway -- ever try to tell a teenager to save sex 'til marriage?



The problem is, alcohol isn’t the problem.


Alcohol didn't make you beat your wife...


alcohol didn't make you wrap your hoopty wagon around a light pole...


and alcohol didn't make you flunk out of school.


No, the crux of this biscuit is that people need to take personal responsibility for their own actions. Don't blame the Devil weed...don't blame the 'shrooms or the fry or the 'shine. If you need someone to blame, take a long, hard look in the mirror.


BTW…supporters of Prohibition included John D. Rockefeller, Jr, the LDS Church, the Ku Klux Klan and Sheriff Buford T. Justice.


Siding against Prohibition...German Lutherans, the Catholic Church and Al Capone.


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Why College Sports Suck

It was a chicken shit move when it happened. A coach…full of piss and vinegar…took over a team that made the Chico’s Bail Bonds guys look like the 1927 Yankees. She was an ass-kickin’, fire-breathin’, straight-talkin’ adrenaline buzz in Silver and Blue. She was a big-time coach with a prime time resume. She remade a team of losers into winners…into champions.


Then, three days before the season opener, the coach got “Shottenheimered” and just like that, the best team on campus went from the top of the hill to the bottom of the barrel.


The excuse was even more pathetic…right out of the A.D.’s lie hole: ”We did this for the good of the team.” Yeah right. Firing a future hall-of-fame coach three days before the start of the season is the Worst. Move. Ever. But we finally came to know the real reason…the coach was a whistleblower.


When a coach shows that kind of honesty, integrity and loyalty you’d think the university would be grateful. After all, honesty and integrity and loyalty are three traits that rarely surface in major college sports. It wasn’t to be. Instead of naming a building after her, she got the bum’s rush. A lawsuit followed but it wasn’t for the money. No. Coach wanted her rep back. Coach wanted her job back. Coach wanted her team back. That’s all.


Yesterday, Nevada hired coach’s replacement. He seems like a nice guy…but we all know what happens to those types. He coached a tiny program in a no-name conference…he played at a school even smaller…his record is as mediocre as cold McDonalds fries…and he’s the choice. WTF?!


As for coach…we’ve seen her documents. She’ll win her case but she won’t get her job back and she won’t get her team back. Her rep will recover and she’ll get another gig. Winners always do.


Nevada athletics will never be the same though. The athletic department sold their collective souls to cover up their own crapulence. The A.D.’s ineptitude will stench the halls on campus as long as she’s making the calls and Wolf Pack athletes and coaches now know that being a winner, being a leader, having morals and standards take a back seat to the shitty side of college sports.


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No End In Sight

Two of America’s bravest…


Two of Nevada’s finest…


Dead for no good reason.


The terrorists aren’t in Iraq or Afghanistan. Those two countries had nothing to do with 9/11. No, the terrorists are raised in Egypt, financed in Saudi Arabia and trained in Pakistan, three of our closest, bestest allies in the region.


Meanwhile the Pretender-In-Chief visits the Middle East in an effort to promote peace between Palestinians and Israelis. You’d think the WPE would be trying to get American asses out of the suck before sticking his two cents in where it doesn’t belong.


Alas, the Bush-wipes have no intention of ending this war. They make too much money from it.


We want our soldiers home. We want our country back. And we demand the perpetrators of this clusterfuck brought to justice. If Congress can impeach slick Willie for an Oval Office hummer, then the warmongers in the Bush Administration should all be sent to Gitmo and be given the electro-testicle treatment. They deserve it for getting us into this mess.


As for the hate-filled, warmongering, right-wing Bush-wipes here in the 775...don't let us catch you alone in a dark alley...we'll go Lynndie England on your sorry-asses!


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Top O' The World Ma!

Here at PTB, we always wanted to be world famous adventurers. Then we found out you needed heart, skill, brains, money and intestinal fortitude. We’ve been living in mom & dad’s basement ever since.


That’s why the passing of Sir Edmund Hillary has us so bummed. Check it…


Back when Big Ed and his sherpa Tenzing Norgay climed the biggest, baddest most dangerous lump on the planet, he did it without modern equipment. No GPS units…no gore-tex...no Starbucks lattes. It’s the equivalent of winning the Indy 500 in a Yugo. Simply. Amazing.


So today we salute Sir Edmund Hillary and his monster-sized cojones. If there were more people like him in the world…things would be a lot more adventurous.

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Insane in the Membrane

Sometimes we wonder WTF the people are thinking. Insane Clown Posse is a group of heavy metal rappers. It’s not the kind of stuff the blue hairs (with their blue license plates) like to listen to. As a matter of fact, ICP’s music is EXACTLY what you’d play if you wanted to cheese-off anyone over the age of, say 30.


But every generation had their own music to scare skidmarks into the adult population. Remember the devil’s Jazz music back in the ‘20’s?

How ‘bout Elvis & his pelvis in the ‘50’s?

The Beatles anyone?

Remember the 70’s when THESE guys were scary?


Here at PTB we believe that music is a lot like ice cream. Chocolate, vanilla and strawberry are o.k. but every once in a while we crave a spinach, onion skin and broccoli sorbet. That’s what ICP would be if they were a sorbet. But it’s just music.


Well, here we go again. It seems that the RenoPoPo have labeled ICP, their music and their artwork…get this…gang affiliated! Say it ain’t so! Gang-bangers listen to Heavy metal rap music? No wonder they run when we crank up our Hawkshaw Hawkins tunes!


ANYWAY…up steps Meadowood Mall security. They’re enforcing a new rule that states you cannot wear ICP attire inside the mall. If you do…you’ll get the bum’s rush.


WTF are these people thinking? Someone from Meadowood suggested that ICP garb is “intimidating.” Thanks Captain Obvious. What’s next? Banning halter tops and short skirts ‘cause some geeky nerds are intimidated by girl-flesh?

What about banning cowboy hats and boots if some PETA-wipe is intimidated by the sight of a dogie-puncher?

How ‘bout banning McQueen football players from wearing their letter jackets ‘cause it scares the bejeezus out of the rest of the 775’s 4A high school footballers?


The crux of our biscuit is simple…maybe as simple as the minds who thought up this ludicrous policy. If you’re intimidated by the clothes someone is wearing…you’d be better off moving to China or North Korea where they all wear the same drab, boring shit. If you’re intimidated by a heavy metal rap group…just wait a few years. The next generation’s gonna have their own kids and their “Elvis” is gonna be even scarier!





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We Think You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

It could be the pussification of America or it could be that WPE has us all squeezing our sphincters over the bad guys. Either way…this proves our point.


It seems a couple of Persians in motorized dinghy’s made the U.S. Navy brown their collective bellbottoms over the weekend. They were zippin’ ‘round three of our warships like they were drivin’ at Talladega. They were armed with a couple of slingshots, a pea shooter and a bull horn…and we were shakin’ like a hound dog passin’ a peach pit.


Now…it’s called the Persian Gulf for a reason and we’ve been parked off the coast of Iran for the better part of five years. It’s chimp-dick’s way of showin’ the size of his huevos.


But think of it this way. If the Iranian Navy rolled up to the Golden Gate and started maneuvers or war games, we’d be a little paranoid too. Hell, we’d probably shank ‘em all within an hour.


Problem is, our soldiers and sailors and marines are out in the middle of the suck fighting the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.


When they tell you they love America and they support our troops…they’re lying!



(8.-)

Attack of the Cute and Fuzzy Bunnies

Fernley is so cold and wet, it makes Nome look like Miami Beach.


There was so much H2O down there that the Nevada National Guard activated its Jacques Cousteau Brigade.


But there’s something that disturbs us about all this. If the Government-Cheese can’t protect us from gophers…how the hell are they gonna protect us against Al Qaeda? It seems that while the county commissioners are padding their pockets with new development…they’re turning a blind eye to the needs of the infrastructure. In other words, they’re turning their backs on the citizens they're supposed to protect.


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Whitey Said What?

Unbelievable. A brown-skinned brother wins in Iowa. Iowa is so white it makes Nevada look like Mississippi. Then again…the ‘Bama is so white he makes Hillary Clinton look like Tina Turner.


Now everyone says the ‘Bama’s got a target on his back ‘cause he’s the new front-runner. That’s not the real reason though…while most of us live here in the 21st century; there are BSC freaks out there who don’t think a man of color (or a woman of ANYTHING) should be president of these here United States.


We hate goin’ all Kreskin on it, but we will. The better Hil and the Bamer do, the more likely either one (or both) will get BobbyK’d before the general election. We hope we’re wrong...


But may the Invisible Man in the Sky help us if we’re right.




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Snow Place Like Home

Snow is king here in the 775. We’ve got world-class skiing, world-class boarding and the most beautiful mountain lake in the world. It’s the time of year when we can tell ‘Vegas to kiss our collective pink asses.


Winter frolicking aside, the WX is gonna get nasty here in the next few so grab a hot cup o’ somethin’…snuggle with your honey and stay indoors. It looks like it’s gonna be a three dog weekend. And if you’ve gotta go outside, be careful. Every time it snows (or rains) in the 775, the city council and county commission approves a new housing development or major casino.



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