Sex and the Shitty

So…the story says that Tiger Woods is checkin’ himself into a Betty Ford Clinic for sex addicts. Aye caramba! Question to El Tigre and the X-Files motherhubbard. If y’all were REALLY sex addicts, HTF come you weren’t having sex with Elin Nordegen or Tia Leoni? You know…your WIVES? No, people like you aren’t sex addicts. Yer a couple of narcissistic, bourgie-rich, pampered assholes who think women…all women…owe you something. Just goes to show you…if there’s enough money involved, women will sleep with anyone. True dat.

I LOVE me this story. The headline reads, in part: "Pope John Paul II Flagellated Himself Regularly." HAW! Ummm…isn’t that a sin in Catholicism? Wouldn’t he start growin’ hair on his palms for doin’ it? If that wasn’t the funniest headline of the year, I dunno what was.

And finally…seems the City of Reno is short a MILLION DOLLARS that’s due to the Reno Aces Baseball folks. The City Council gave SK Baseball all these sweet deals thinking they’d make their payment with tax monies not yet collected. When the economy took a dump (Thanks George W. Bush) the expected tax monies never materialized...still aren't First things first…making deals for future payment with money you might not get is asinine. WTF is our City Council using this shitty method? Secondly…if the City Council continues to screw the pooch on things like OWING MILLIONS of dollars, HTF did they get elected and re-elected in the first place? When they run they tell us they want to serve the public. When they get into office, they only serve themselves. True dat.

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Going Away Party

The story said that Iraqis were celebrating wildly in the streets as U.S. military personnel evacuated Baghdad. Remember when the Iraqis were gonna greet us as liberators? Yo Dick Cheney…how’d that work out? The one thing in the story that proves most Americans are dumber than a bag of doorknobs was the line…



"Iraqis (are) hopeful that foreign military occupation is ending six years after the invasion to depose Saddam Hussein.”



Ummm…wasn’t the invasion all about Weapons of Mass Destruction? WTF ever the hell happened to that? Oh yeah…No. Such. Thing. What about bringing democracy to the Iraqi people? Nope. The religious zealots are in charge, women have to wear burqas and regular Iraqi Joes are getting the bejeezus blown out of ‘em in marketplaces around the country. If you ask an Iraqi citizen (like we have) if they are better off now than they were when Saddam Hussein was in charge, they’d say no. Seems the only people who were happy to see us Invade Iraq were Halliburton, KBR, Chimp Dick, Dr. Evil and Rush Limbaugh. Aye caramba!


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Rush N Roulette

Not wanting to pay the taxes NYC thinks are his fair share, radio behemoth Rush Limbaugh says he’s lookin’ for new digs. He said he wants to move to a state with no income taxes like Texas or Florida. Well Rush…we’re gonna give you several of our good reasons to skip the Lone Star and Sunshine states and get your behind up here to the Silver State.



6. The 775 voted overwhelmingly for George W. Bush…THREE TIMES!



5. You can smoke that nasty-assed, stinky, donkey penis looking stogie anywhere you want!



4. You can see Nancy Pelosi’s house from Lake Tahoe.



3. You’ll feel right at home with all the hot air at the Great Reno Balloon Races.



2. The dry air and high altitude here in the 775 will help you with your “glandular” problem.



1. The doctors up here in the 775 will write you an under-the-table ‘scrip if you do a pole dance for ‘em.




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Fuhrer Furor

Last week little ‘Dolph Campbell turned three years old. For his birthday, ‘Dolph’s ‘rents wanted to throw him a party and get him a cake with his name on it…typical all-American family thing to do. So, the Campbells went to their local ShopRite and placed their order. That’s when the shit dropped to shoe level. The store-folks refused to put the tyke’s moniker on the celebratory confection because his full name is…get this…Adolph Hitler Campbell. Aye Caramba!




A spokeshead for ShopRite said that they reserve the right not to print anything on a cake that they deem to be “inappropriate.” WTF would ShopRite know about “inappropriate?” Besides, how is a baby’s name inappropriate? Would they refuse to put a name on a cake if it was Osama bin Laden Johannsen? Attila the Hun Smith? George W. Bush?




Now, everyone knows there are some BSC ‘rents out there and they can get pretty creative when naming their l’il ones. Remember Moon Unit Zappa? But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple…




In the USo’A you can name your little one anything you want and ShopRite has no right refusing to put that name on a birthday cake. You might not like the person’s name, you might not like the person’s color or national origin or sexual orientation but, in America ALL men are created equal…even Adolph Hitler Campbell.



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Lemme Hold A Dollar

Much like the little raggimuffin Oliver holding out his empty gruel bowl and asking the head of the orphanage, “Please sir, may I have some more?” Chimp-Dick stood in front of the American people last week and asked for $700 BILLION to bail out the bourgie fat-cat bankers of Wall Street.


There are two prongs to the fundamentalist extremists in the Reflublican party. The warmongering hawks like Dr. Evil, Rummy and Karl Rove and the economic, free-market turds like Phil Gramm and John McCain. Both groups have only their selfish interests at heart. Don’t believe us? We’ll go with the neo-econo-cons for now…


Back in the day Ronald “Celebrity, Actor, Elitist” Reagan helped his tighty-righty friends deregulate the Savings and Loan industry. What happened? The greedy rat-bastards stole all their investors’ money and the Government-Cheese bailed ‘em out with…wait for it…wait for it…taxpayer money!


Since then they’ve deregulated, then had to bail out:

Energy Corporations

The Housing Market

Banks

Insurance Companies

And now, possibly, the Auto industry.


Ay Caramba! They deregulate an industry so their corporate cronies can steal all the money they can, then they put us…you and me…on the hook for the bill. It’s called corporate welfare and the Reflublicans are fond of it. Think about it…


If you opened up an ice cream store and only served flavors like Mushroom Cap and Potato-skin Swirl or Liver and Onion Sorbet…all the while skimming profits and cooking the books…you’d go out of business pretty quick. If that happened, do you think the Government-Cheese would bail you out? Hell. No.


Do you know who famously said, “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”? If you’d have said John McCain…you’d only be 2008 right. The first person we can confirm said it was…wait for it…wait for it…HERBERT FRIGGIN’ HOOVER! He said it in 1931. Nice. What’s that they say about those who forget history? Nah, forget it…



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War of the Ho'ses

We got lucky when the Supreme Court appointed Chimp-Dick to the highest gig in the land. No, not because we wanted to break the military with two illicit wars, not because we wanted a gallon of gas to cost more than a lobster dinner and not even ‘cause we wanted the government-cheese to wipe their collective asses with the Constitution. No, we got lucky ‘cause GWB married Laura Welch.




See, we grew up with skanks like "Just Say No" Nancy, Mrs. Bush Vol.1 and Sir Edmund Hillary serving as first ladies. Talk about a Wolf Pack. ARF! But Mrs. Bush…lol…we said Mrs. BUSH…HAW! She’s a stone-cold fox.




When we heard that Americans are debating which potential first lady they’d like better, Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain, we had to drop our dime on this one ‘cause we like ‘em BOTH!




Michelle Obama is one smokin’ hot MILF. We’d tap that ass in a New York Minute. Hop in the sack with her and it’s “LIVIN’ THE VIDA MOCHA!” She’s the hippest, coolest thing to hit the DC since Jackie-O…and, you just KNOW there was a reason why they called her that! From here on, the ‘Bamer’s wife shall be known as Michelle-O. We sure wonder if she’s worthy of the “O”. Our guess is yes.




On the other side of the aisle is Cindy McCain. Now she’s a smokin’ hot GILF. The former beauty queen has that look that says “I’m classy in public and a ‘ho in the bedroom. YIKES! How do we know? She was bangin’ Senator McSame while he was married. Evil, nasty, dirty girl! From here on Mrs. McCain shall be known as Sin-D. Besides, she’s filthy, stinkin’ rich! She’s so loaded, she makes Bill Gates look like he’s homeless!




Either way you slice it, we’re gonna have four more years of a hot, sexy first lady. Maybe we’ll do a booty call on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Monica Lewinsky did and she's a MAJOR skank!



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