Going To Pot

Those of us who live in the Silver State aren’t considered an intelligent bunch. We’re continually at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to things like high school graduation rates, test scores and people goin’ to college.

That said, as Nevadan’s, we pride ourselves on our “live and let live” attitude. We’re the only state in the Union that allows prostitution, we have sports betting and other forms of legal gambling. Heck-fire…we were the divorce capital of the world until the rest of the country shrugged off their Puritanical Underoos and followed suit. So, now we have a dilemma.

They took a poll the other day, as THEY are wont to do, and found out that Nevadan’s are against the legalization and taxation of marijuana. Aye caramba! This, from the same state that gives away alcohol to people who gamble. This from the state that lays claim to “Sin City.” I must be missing something. Nevada is flat broke. No money. It’d seem like a no-brainer to legalize and tax the stuff. But Silver Staters are having none of it. Prostitution? Yes! Cheap alcohol? Yes! Gambling? Yes! Nuclear bombs? You betcha! Pot? NO! I guess now you know why we’re always at the bottom of all those education polls.

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Tehran So Far Away

Read us once and you’ll know we love us the Persians here at PTB. Hell, if we ever get outta this blogging-nerd phase, move outta the ‘rent’s basement and hook up with a Persian grrl and we’re gonna name our first baby Cyrus…but that’s the crux of another biscuit…

Now, y’all know that there are a lot of problems goin’ down in Iran. That’s what you get when you let a bunch of BSC religious wing-nuts run your country. But there’s a crack getting’ wider over there and it could be a chance for the USo'A to make some progress. According to a story…

“With young people pursuing more liberal lifestyles and shunning the traditional mores of their parents' generation, the marrying age is steadily climbing. This terrifies Iran's religious government, which still peddles the virtue of chastity and views young people's shifting attitudes toward sexuality as a direct threat to the Islamic revolution's core values.”

We told you about those religious zealots. But do you see it? C’mon…what is the one universal attitude that all teenagers share? FUCK AUTHORITY! It’s been that way forever. Teenagers hate rules and they hate when authority figures tell ‘em what to do. So, here’s the plan:

Rather than getting’ into a dick-swingin’ contest with Iran’s tighty-righties…you know…with bullets and guns and bombs… we should fight ‘em with drugs, sex and rock & roll. Think about it. If the U.S. starts smuggling Snoop Dogg CD’s, cases of Jack Daniels, subscriptions to Hustler and anything grown in the Emerald Triangle into Iran, soon the young’uns will turn on their elderly oppressors. Anyone older than 50 can attest to the fact that with enough booze, THC and coochie on their minds, kids’ll go BSC for the right to be rebellious. And isn’t that what we’d like to see in old Persia, a rebellion? REMEMBER THE 60's!

We hope we’re all alive to see it…it’s gonna be a beautiful sight. Downtown Tehran, packed with revelers, slammin’ Mojitos and beer-bonging Jaeger Meister. The smoke so thick from the spliffs that it looks like a foggy day in San Francisco. Skynyrd jammin’ Freebird on the boombox and rocket-hottie Persian babes doin’ the Middle Eastern version of Girls Gone Wild. Just the thought of that has the Ayatollah spinnin’ in his grave. Well…at least he’s doin’ it to a kick-ass beat.

(8.-)

To Whom Much is Given, Much is Required

We’re tryin’ to wrap our brainpans around this:

If a brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped by Reno-911 ‘cause he’s totin’ ‘round a couple of ganja bags in the trunk of his hoopty…poor dude is lookin’ at a couple o’ dozen years in the Gray Bar Motel. After all, life’s problems can be traced directly back to the “Evil Weed.”

A couple of weeks ago a local sawbones copped to writing fake ‘scripts for a couple of pole dancers. His penalty? A $2,000 fine and disciplinary action from the State Medical Board. Aye Caramba! Nice work if you can get it doc. Aren’t doctors supposed to get women with their intellect?




So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit: Kids, if you wanna roll in the high falutin’ world of dealing drugs…STAY IN SCHOOL. Better to get busted pushing as an M.D. or as a right-wing smear merchant or as one of the skeevy Olson twins than getting popped bein’ a minority selling grass. Do the crime; do the time…unless you’re whitey.




(8.-)

Deja Vu All Over Again and Again

Ah, Groundhog Day…the time of year when Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Agnostics and Atheists from all over the USo’A join together, throw their Deities under the bus and, for one day, believe that the all-knowing, all-seeing Almighty is a steroid-induced marmot.


Well, today the folks up in the PA, pulled the little rat-bastard out of his hole and exclaimed to the world that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and that winter would continue for another six weeks. Nice call Phil. Have you seen the last couple of weeks here in the 775? It’s been absolutely spring-like. Hell, we haven’t even STARTED winter yet. But divining the future on the sun-blocking ability of a rabid chipmunk got us to thinking…maybe we could predict some future events…



Michael Phelps, the greatest American Olympic athlete of all time, turns out to be a Rastafarian. Aye Caramba! Still think marijuana is the “evil drug?” Ask Mikey…or ask the doctors that did this study…or, like we’ve said before, open your bible to Genesis 1:29, read, repeat. Our prediction: Phelps will lose endorsement money from people like Disney and WalMart but get huge endorsement bucks from Doritos, Hostess Twinkies and Red Bull.



Today is the first day of the 2009 Nevada Legislature. Our prediction is that politicians will try to save as many programs as possible while not raising taxes. It never occurs to those bobbleheads that they have to pay for stuff with SOMETHING. They just never get around to figuring out how.



A new study out has dire news for the 775. It says the drought in the area makes the Silver State a natural disaster area. Our prediction: County Commissioners and City Council members will see this as a good sign and promptly rubber-stamp several sprawling developments and a couple of mega-casinos. After all, if you think the 775 is in a drought, you must be a tree-huggin’, Birkenstock wearin’, tie-dyed, Al Gore-lovin’ hippie. Wow…that sounds a lot like Michael Phelps.



And finally…yesterday we were all treated to a great Super Bowl, that is, unless you’re an Arizona Cardinals fan. The thing that stuck out the most, though, was the halftime show. YIKES! Aside from the ear worm he stuck us with, nothing is scarier than Bruce Springsteen doing a power slide right into the camera. Yo Boss…if no one wanted to see Janet Jackson’s niblets a few years ago…no one wants to see the ingredients of your codpiece today. And a quick note to the NFL. Hey guys, can you please quit with the geriatric, antique, octogenarian rockers? The 1970’s are OVER. If we wanted to see some old geezer strutting around like a peacock with a sugar buzz…we’d just give grandpa one of Michael Phelps’ blunts. Yup, that’d do it.



(8.-)

Prohibition Inhibitions

Seventy-five years ago today the USo’A decided to give up on the “noble experiment” that was Prohibition. At that exact moment, tighty-righties around the country skidmarked their collective Underoos. That’s back when you could smoke reefer and snort blow legally but the morality police had figured the only way to prevent drunkenness was to ban alcohol altogether. That didn’t work out too well now, did it? So, alcohol became legal again. Thank you JZeus!




Can you imagine the state of Nevada today without alcohol? YIKES! We’d have to rename ourselves West Utah. BLECH! Think of it this way…who’d wanna see some cracked out skank do a pole dance if alcohol wasn’t involved? No one. Do you know how boring video poker is when you’re sober? BORING! Even worse, if Prohibition was still in effect, the only commercials you’d see on the Super Bowl would be for cars and tampons. Aye caramba!




Besides, look at all the jobs that legal alcohol has created. From brewmeisters and distributors to bartenders, cocktail waitresses and alcohol abuse counselors. Alcohol is responsible for thousands of jobs in the Silver State. Heck-fire, if the PoPo didn’t have DUI checkpoints to do, they’d have to go out and do some REAL police work like catching bad guys and stuff.




The crux of our biscuit today is simple. In the 13 years that alcohol was illegal in America, alcohol-related deaths soared. Why? Without government oversight, people were making nasty, rot gut swill from crap like kerosene, lighter fluid and ass wax. But people drank anyway. The fact that it was illegal didn’t dissuade anyone from drinking. Not even the possibility of death stopped folks from tyin’ one on. Making booze illegal diverted the cops’ attention from really bad guys like murderers and rapists. You go Elliot Ness! Prohibition was an abject failure.




We look back on it now and romanticize the bootleggers and the rum runners from days past. How quaint those huckleberry moonshiners were! So what’s the difference between the Dukes of Hazzard and some poor brown-skinded brother bringin’ a load of the ganja across the border or growing it in his hydroponic grow room? Nothing. Keeping the prohibition against marijuana is just as stupid-assed as the prohibition against alcohol. Maybe one day we’ll learn. Probably not…but maybe.



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Mark Foley - Pedophile

Skeevy Mark Foley is back in the news. Seems the former Republican Congressman doesn’t think there was anything wrong in sending icky text messages to male pages – 17-year-old male pages. Foley says that he isn’t a pedophile because the pages were, “teens on the brink of adulthood” and that not one of the pages told him to stop. Yo Mark…you took advantage of your position of authority to get your rocks off with kids not even old enough to vote. You’re sick, you’re in denial and you should be in jail. But that’s just our thought.





Speaking of 18 year olds: One of the head honchos of the State Gaming Control Board wants to lower the legal age for gamblers to 18. Dennis Neilander says that’ll boost the Silver State’s gaming revenue. Really? While we’ve always believed here at PTB that if you’re old enough to die for your country in a war, you should be able to buy alcohol or gamble. But, is lowering the gambling age gonna help casinos’ bottom lines? No. Why? Because the 18-21 crowd has about as much disposable income as a Haitian goat farmer. We’ve beat this dead horse a million times so a million and one won’t hurt. Wanna increase revenues in Nevada? Make prostitution and marijuana legal throughout the state. It would free up cops to go after the really bad guys, it would free up jail and prison space for those same bad guys and it would put us back on the map as the preeminent place to have fun. Governor Gibbons…the ball is in your court.





Now that the ‘Bamer is prepping to move into the White House, speculation has been growing over the dog he’s gonna get. Peru even offered up one of its national pooches. Question: If the ‘Bamer is Muslim…wouldn’t he get a pet goat or a pet snake? Why get a dog? Why not a presidential cat or a White House goldfish? Yo Barry-O…we’ve got the perfect pet for you…how ‘bout you get a pet cracker? We sure would like to see some whitey runnin’ ‘round the grounds with a collar on. We’d give up our reparation money to see that!




(8.-)

Fluff Bombing

We’re gonna do a quick drive by today, so hang on…


This is a perfect example why Michael Vick can munch on our doodleberries. Man has seizure, man needs medical attention. Who calls 911? HIS DOG! Yup...and the canine with the cranium didn’t even need to call information to get the number. He’d already dialed 911 for his owner on two other occasions. They don’t call ‘em “man’s Best Friend” for nothin’.


The two states with the highest dropout rates for high schoolers? The Silver State and the Great White North. Following close behind…Mississippi, Alabama, Texas and the rest of the bass-ackward deep south. No more wondering how the hell those guys can vote Republican time and time again -- no brain pans.


Foreclosures in the 775 jumped 46% in August. People are losing their homes at an astounding rate. Hmmm…and who’s been in charge the last eight years? Tighty-righty.


It looks like the FDA has approved an “anti-nausea patch” to help people undergoing chemo. Waste. Of. Time. We already have the best nausea-killer in the world growin’ naturally. It’s called the Kind. Wanna know why ganja is illegal and the new FDA patch isn’t? ‘Cause with the chronic, Cheech and Chong get the cash with the new patch…Big Pharma gets the loot. Guess who the government-cheese is gonna side with on that one?


And finally…


Yesterday, The Invisible Man in the Sky’s Right Hand Man here on Earth said that people must accept death at “The hour chosen by God.” Screw that bub. That’s why they have Sudafed, NyQuil, Bayer Aspirin and Band Aids. If the Big Guy gets to decide…why the hell do we have House and Hawkeye and Marcus Welby? No, we will not go quietly in to that good night. Y’all gonna have to take us outta here kickin’ and screamin’. So, when You’re ready, You’d better call Your bouncers ‘cause we’re not gonna go there without a fight.


(8.-)

Smokin' Aces

Funny, we thought it was ILLEGAL to smoke marijuana in the 775. If you hadn’t noticed, we rolled over to the Rush concert in downtown Reno Saturday night. Longtime readers know that we think Rush is the best thing to come out of the Great White North since Dudley-Do-Right’s woman. ANYWAY…


When the lights dimmed and the show started, a plume of smoke started risin’ above the crowd. It looked like someone dropped a nuke. WHOOSH! There was so much smoke between the stage and our seats it actually distorted the light coming from the strobe lights…or maybe that was a secondhand buzz? Hell, it looked like the fog rollin’ in off the SFBay. But here’s the crux of our biscuit…


Why were the cops not bustin’ those hemp-lovin’, tie-died, hippy freaks? Were they givin’ the pot-heads their tacit approval? Was Reno-911 waiting for ‘em to get out on the streets and pop a cap in someone? Kill a cop? Or just go generally BSC like EVERYONE does when exposed to the killer evil weed?


Look folks…this “wink, wink, nod, nod” shit needs to stop. There are thousands of people incarcerated here in the 775 for possession of the ganja. There are so many tokers in the hoosegow that the prison system is at the breaking point. So, are y’all gonna stay rutted in your hypocritical ways and selectively imprison stoners? Or are you gonna wake up and realize that marijuana is no more dangerous than aspirin and a LOT less dangerous than alcohol or tobacco?


We figure that if all those people were smokin’ blunts and there weren’t any big problems…what’s the big problem? On the other hand, if the schnizzle is illegal...it should be illegal everywhere. It would have made for a lonely concert…but at least, we could have seen the stage.

(8.-)

Going Green

It looks like Mary Ann is quite fond of Mary Jane. Yup. Dawn Wells, one of the favorite daughters of the 775 got popped by the PoPo for havin’ a hold of the ganja.



What makes things worse is that she got busted in Idaho (State Motto: “We’re Even Whiter Than Utah!”). She’s lucky though, she got bailed before they could administer a “Rudy in the Booty.”



We always fantasized about bangin’ the femmes on G.I. but naive Mary Ann wasn’t our first choice. Neither was smokin’ hot Ginger. No, we always wanted to horizontal bop with the older, wiser Mrs. Howell. They didn’t call her “Lovie” for nothin’! YIKES!



But the problem we have with this whole thing is the illegality of marijuana. Think about it. Tobacco kills around 300,000 people a year. Alcohol is responsible for 20,000 a year. They’re both legal and easy to buy. As of today not one death has EVER been attributed to the green bud. Not. One. And if you get busted with it, you’ll spend time in the Gray Bar Motel. You wonder why we’ve got more people in the big house than the friggin’ Chinese? This is reason one.



What we can’t figure out is that if the USofA is a Christian nation…why hasn’t anyone brought up Genesis 2:16. C’mon God peeps…read your friggin’ bibles. You’d be surprised what’s in there.



As for you you Mary Ann…come on home and we’ll light up a spliff together. Maybe you can teach us some of the things you learned from Thurston’s wife.



(8.-)