A Turd in the Hawaii Punch Bowl

Nothing was gonna get in my way of watchin’ Nevada play the SMU on Christmas Eve. Not the smell of gingerbread wafting from next door…not the sound of carolers in the front yard…not even the beginning of “A Christmas Story” marathon…nothing was gonna get in the way of this game. So I settled in front of my television with 24 of my closest friends and waited for kickoff. Too bad there wasn’t a power outage or a meteor strike because the ensuing three hours were more painful than any Barry Manilow concert could ever be.

What a fustication. What an embarrassment. 45-10…WTF is up with that? From the start Nevada looked listless. It was a flashback to the old “One Yard and a Cloud of Dust” offense that Chris Ault so readily rolls out at Bowl time. SHEESH!

The game was such a blowout that I started in with drinking games. Nevada three and out? Drink. SMU touchdown? Consumo. Nevada turnover? Pound one. And on…and on…and on. By the time the fourth quarter had started, the beer was all gone and I had to switch to my celebratory, high falutin’ tequila that brother Sal brought back from Mexico. YIKES!

My head was buzzing like a hive of angry bees by the time the game was over. Questions punctuated with alcohol burps. How could this happen? Burp. WTF was the coaching staff thinking? Burp. How can a team not be geared up for a bowl game in friggin’ Hawaii? BURPFFFT. Aye caramba!

The whole thing left me with a headache and a spastic colon for the next few days. But between throbs and burbles, one question kept popping up…WTH do we do now? Two straight years the Wolf Pack has gone to a bowl game only to be beaten like a rented mule. It’s starting to border on the absurd.

Last week the RGJ asked the question: “What would it take for Nevada to be like Boise State in football? My answer…nothing. For the last decade or so, Boise State has been a monster of a program. They play the big boys whenever they can and usually end up beating them. They play in big-time bowl games against top-notch opponents. Nevada? We play schools like Grambling State and the University of Northeastern Canada and we squeak by. Play a big school like Notre dame or Missouri? We get stomped like Michael Flately’s dance floor.

No, Nevada’s glory days are long gone and it doesn’t look like they’re gonna get better anytime soon. But there is good news Wolf Pack fans…if you have the creativity, there is no end to the drinking games you could play while Nevada is on the field. Just be careful. That’s a lot of alcohol for a three hour game. True dat.

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Hater Haters

If you’ve read the RGJ lately, either online or in dead tree form, you’d have noticed quite the vilification of Nevada head football coach Chris Ault. Shoot-fire…with all the vitriol spewin’ ‘round there, you’d think the Little General was Obama’s healthcare plan and Nevada fans were Glenn Beck’s teabag posse. YIKES! But I’m here to remind y’all about a few things.


You cannot judge an entire season after two games. You just can’t. That’d be like predicting how long a marriage will last by how long the first night of sex lasts. Not a very reliable indicator. True dat.


Chris Ault has been coaching at Nevada since they used real pig bladders for a ball. He’s in the college football hall of fame. Does an 0-2 start make him less smart than any year before? No. He’s the same coach that’s been at the helm for decades. He didn’t just all-of-a-sudden get stupid like Colin Powell did. Besides…Ault isn’t the one running and blocking and tackling. He’s also not the one NOT running and NOT blocking and NOT tackling.


And lastly…Nevada hasn’t been a major player in college football since we moved up to 1-A from 1-AA. Remember those days? Crisp Saturdays in November, playoffs at hand and the smell of victory in the air. Remember those days? I do. And I surely do miss ‘em. But the fact is, the powers-that-be decided to move up and play with the big boys and we’ve been getting’ our hats handed to us ever since. Nevada will never be one of the elite teams when it comes to college football. All we can do is take it in the keester during the non-conference schedule, hope to beat tomato cans like Idaho and San Jose State during conference and hope for a miracle against the likes of Hawaii, Fresno State and Boise State. Stranger things have happened…just not lately.


Besides…basketball season is just around the corner.


(8.-)

Put Your Irony Setting on Stun

The only thing not authentic in this picture, is the picture of me. Everything else is straight up. Question: If Gun violence is on the rise, why the "Going Out of Business" sale?

No News is Bad News

It’s no secret that the dead tree versions of newspapers are in trouble. Readership has been on the downslide for quite some time. Maybe it’s ‘cause the government-cheese has cut so much from the education budget that there aren’t many folks out there who even know how to read anymore. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



To regain revenue and readership, newspaper editors and publishers are pulling out all the stops. Over the weekend, the RGJ announced two big changes. The first was the return of Corey Farley. If y’all don’t remember Corey Farley, his column was a lot like PTB except he never cursed, he never threatened bodily harm and he never used the word “motherhubbards.” Aside from that…he’s pretty close. Here’s hoping Farley still has his biting commentary. Our thought is that corporate douchebags will keep him watered down so as not to cheese off the few advertisers still spending money on newspapers. Good writing sells newspapers…great writing scares the bejeezus out of advertisers. Only time will tell.



The second new doohickey unveiled at the RGJ is the “Sunday Good News Edition.” To that we said, “Aye Caramba!” The powers that be at the RGJ must’ve figured that a butt-load of feel-good stories would sell product. That may be so but we’re not buying into it. Why? Well, to be honest, misery loves company. Hell, for us here at PTB, misery is less like company and more like family.



With all the crap going on in the world with wars and the economy and terrorists and BSC motherhubbards and myriad other problems, we’d feel disingenuous turning our attention to “softer” stories. Who wants to read about Grandma Myrtle turning 100 years old when the poop is hitting the propeller all around us? Death, destruction and mayhem on a daily basis are stark reminders that there’s a lot of work still to be done. So keep on coming back here to PTB for your daily dose of depressing reality. We’ll keep up the pissin’ and moanin’ and complainin’ and leave the good news to the RGJ. Good luck with that.



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Wussification Nation

This post is a response to an RGJ LTE from Ernie Baltar of Sun Valley…



I will support my president and hope he succeeds. For the last eight years American values, morals and faith were betrayed by false prophets with words of doom and gloom. That’s not my America. I want my country back.



I don’t believe helping those less fortunate than me is “socialism.” I believe it is my duty as an American to help those in need. If I must pay higher taxes to help my country and my countrymen out of this shit-storm, then so be it.



During the tenure of the last pResident, the federal government grew bigger than at any time in the country’s history. Handed a multi-billion dollar surplus, he squandered it into the biggest deficit America has ever faced. Warrantless wiretapping, suspension of habeas corpus, rendition, torture and indefinite incarceration without charges have become the norm. That is not my America. I want my country back.



I believe the Constitution when it says all men are created equal. I denounce political hacks who say their job is to protect the American people. No. You swore an oath to protect the Constitution. I’m an American…I don’t need you to protect me from terrorism, or from gay marriage, or from the evils of drugs, or from people who weren’t born in this country but come here to live the American dream.



I figure if there’s 12 billion dollars a month to spend on an unnecessary war in Iraq, there’s enough money to rebuild infrastructure, give our kids a good education and our parents’ security in their retirement. Every American is guaranteed “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” That is my America.



But, success will be slow. It took eight long years to get us into this mess, it’ll take time to get us out of it. Success will be bringing our troops home. Success will be restoring America’s moral standing in the world. Success will be talking to those who don’t agree with us to better understand their plight. Success is my America.



I will not succumb to fear-mongering right-wingers. I am not afraid of black people, or brown people, or yellow people. I am not afraid of Muslims or Jews or Christians or Atheists. I will continue to fight the xenophobic, racist, narrow-minded, rednecks who would give up their freedoms for the illusion of safety. I will not go quietly into that good night. I want my country back and I’m prepared to fight to the death for her. I’m an American and this is my America.





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From the Bottom of the Mind Shaft

In the RGJ the other day, an LTE from Betty Cummings asked the question “Where is all the press coverage on the disappearance of 14-year-old Shermela Washington?” Good question. We’ve got some bad news for ya Betty…unless you’re a pretty, young Caucasian female, you’ve got no chance at pub here in the 775. After all, this is Cracker Town. Sad but true.



A recent study found that frequent masturbation by twenty-somethings increases their risk of prostate cancer. This is the kind of thing that gives science a bad name. If this study is true, then 95% of American teenaged males will develop prostate cancer within the next three weeks.



Here’s an example of why religious zealots make us wanna hurl: The Reverend Ted Haggard is back in the news. You remember Reverend Teddy Bear…last year he confessed to "sexual immorality" and resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of New Life Church. Now Ted-In-Bed says the relationship he had with the male church member was “inappropriate but not physical.” What, gay sex is O.K. as long as you’re not touching? The crux of this biscuit is simple…we don’t think there’s anything wrong with sex between two consenting adults – gay or straight. The turds in the punch bowl are people like Ted Haggard who spew vile rhetoric about the “evils of homosexuality” while at the very same time, they’re grabbing their ankles, lubing up their pooty holes and sexing it up like they were the Village People. Hey Ted, you’re a hypocrite…and if we know it, surely your God does too!



Finally…last week a 14-year-old kid in Chicago fooled the cops into thinking he was an actual police officer. The kid had a uniform on and even went on patrol for a couple of hours. Aye Caramba! WTF were the Chi-Town fuzz thinkin’? Their excuse? “He looks a lot older than fourteen.” Think about it…if a prepubescent, snot-nosed kid can fool the cops into thinking he was one of the boys in blue…whadda ya think the REALLY bad guys are gonna be able to get away with? People of the Windy City…run for your lives…while you still can.

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Crack Crackers

The Reno City Council has proven once again that they have the collective brain power of a sack of doorknobs. Last night the Council reduced a moratorium on new liquor licenses to just the area around Wells Avenue. Why just the Wells Avenue area? Could it be because it is a predominately brown-skinded neighborhood? We don’t put it past the crackers on the Council to less-than-subtly show their racist sides.




Some brotherhubbard was quoted in the RGJ saying, "Liquor stores contribute to loitering, public drunkenness, armed robbery and the recent murder of a store clerk." Ummm...no. Liquor stores contribute taxes to the state, county and city. They provide jobs and convenient places to shop for neighborhood residents. Don’t blame liquor stores for the sins of a few douchebags. Responsibility for the crimes mentioned lies directly in the laps of the perps.




Dude went on to show the Council a “crack pipe” he says he bought at a local liquor store saying the stores sell drug paraphernalia. This is the kind of cheese-dick mentality that permeates the 775. Listen up short-bus ...it's not a crack pipe 'til you smoke crack out of it. Elsewise, it's just a pipe.





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Page 3A

There are a few reasons we stay subscribed to the RGJ’s dead tree edition but this has got to be the best…



Yesterday, we got three pages into the first section when…BAM!...the trippy news hit us smack dab in between the eyes…





The guy that got paid to fly GJG around got demoted. Why? He flew the Gov. from Carson City to ‘Vegas on low fuel and let his 14-year-old son fly the plane. YIKES! We think the demotion is unwarranted. Why? First of all, the pilot wouldn’t have boarded the plane if he thought there wasn’t enough gas to get down to the 702…so that point is moot. Secondly, here at PTB we’re all for dads getting their sons involved in their careers. That’s how we learned to counterfeit money and then how to make license plates. If dad the pilot thought little Jimmy was on it enough to get behind the wheel, that’d be fine with us. After all, how many 14-year-olds lied about their age and joined up in WWII? Lots. And they kicked ass!





Judge Elizabeth Halverson is now ex-judge Halverson. The NV Commission on Judicial Discipline axed her from the bench and barred her from holding a judgeship ever again citing a “…dismal professional history.” Question: Here’s a picture of Her Honor…did removing her from the bench happen to involve a crane? We don’t usually like to rag on people’s appearance but JZeus-firggin’-Christola…that woman’s ass is so big it has its own gravitational field!





One of our old bosses, Jim Rogers, wants a federal grant of $3 billion to get the state’s universities through the current budget hoo-haw. Funny…no one wants higher taxes or government bailouts…unless it’ll help them directly. Wasn’t socialism bandied about during the presidential campaign as a “dirty” word? Yup.





And finally…some political chowderhead from down in the 702 wants all public school kids in the Silver State to wear uniforms. Senator Bob Coffin says that discipline is a problem in the schools and that kids “flaunt their appearance as a sign of disobedience.” No duh gramps. Hey Senator Bob…kids have always cheezed-off their elders with their clothing choices. It’s been that way since kids started wearing clothes way back in the Stone Age. If you think kids are showing you signs of disobedience with their choice of outfits…you should see how they show their disobedience with their hands!




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Not Your Brother's Keeper

There are few places in the 775 more beautiful than Elko County. That place is so sweet it’s almost enough to make you believe in a God…almost. Yeah, here at PTB we love us some Elko. But in a recent RGJ article, it looks like the peeps of the “Big Easy” are losing their way.


Elko is described as being a conservative place – republicans in the county outnumber democrats 2-1. We never did get that. Ya se, Elko is home to enough brothels, casinos and watering holes to make Beelzebub blush. Nothin’ conservative ‘bout that. It’s what we here in the big city call the “real Nevada.” Live hard, love hard, drink hard, party hard die hard. That’s the way it should be.


But what, you might ask, is getting Elko’s collective Underoos in a twist? Governor Jim Gibbons’ divorce, that’s what. According to the RGJ, “Gibbons Country” is ready to throw the Gov. under the bus. They feel this divorce thing is getting quite messy and they’re not happy with their favorite son.


Here’s the crux of our biscuit:


If you support GJG’s position on the Iraq war…if you understand the man-crush he has for Chimp-Dick and Dr. Evil…if you agreed when he called anti-war activists “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals” then WTF is the problem? C’mon Elko…have none of y’all ever canoodled with someone other than your spouse? Yes. Has anyone in the "Big Easy" ever gotten a divorce? Sure. Look Elko…if you’re as conservative as you say you are…remember your God’s book:


“Let he without sin cast the first stone.” And if getting a divorce is enough to make y’all drop trow and run for the hills, consider yourself lucky…our Governor could be the one with the “wide stance.”

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Happy Anniversary Baby

“No one knew what to expect when the Iraq war began March 19, 2003.” That, from the front page of today’s RGJ. We don’t mean to harsh the Gaz’s mellow but PTB saw this clusterfuck coming a mile away and we’re dumber than a bag of Skittles! We shouted from the rooftops, we argued and we sounded the alarms. What did we get in response? We were called Frog-lovers. We were called pacifists. We were called traitors. Funny, we haven’t heard from those folks lately. Guess it’s pretty hard to talk with a mouth full of crow. But we weren’t the only ones who knew.



Bush-Wipe knew. Rummy knew. Colin-Blow knew. Dick knew. Brown Rice knew. Halliburton knew. KBR knew. War-profiteers and hatemongers all.



So, it’s five years down the line. What’s changed? Did we find WMD’s? No. Did we give the Iraqi people democracy? No. Have we quelled the insurgency? No. Are Iraqis better off now than they were five years ago? No. Is the M.E. more stable now? No. Is America safer now? No. The list is as endless as this war.



What’s changed? Four thousand brave American soldiers – DEAD. More than a half million Iraqi civilians – DEAD. Gas is three dollars a gallon. Oil is $110 a barrel. OBL is still on the loose and neither the pResident or any of his wannabe successors mention his name anymore. Hell, crazy Uncle McFester wants us to stay in the Bag for a hundred more years. SHEESH!



No folks, this war is wrong. It’s just as wrong now as it was five years ago. When our kids look back at this dark chapter in American history they’ll see the beginning of the end. We were the greatest nation in the world once. That was before the Iraq war. How far the mighty have fallen. You might not have seen it coming but we did.




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