I Thought There Was A Drought in the 775

Snow Laughing matter

The Winter Olympics are only a couple of days away and that just warms the cockles of my hard. One big problem, though...no snow. Aye caramba! That's one of the reasons I keep tellin' people that bringin' the Winter-O's to the 775 is a bad idea. WTF happens if you throw a Winter Olympics and it doesn't snow? You become the laughingstock of the planet (replacing Djibouti) when you realize you've flushed millions of taxpayer's money down the proverbial poop chute. Good thing Vancouver is in Canada...they're Socialists anyway, so they don't mind their tax money bein' wasted on stupid stuff...like healthcare.

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Airheads

Over the weekend 22-year-old Steven Hinton won the Reno Championship Air Races Unlimited Gold division piloting his P-51 Mustang, Strega, at more than 490mph. The headline read…”Reno Air Races close with historic victory.” You know what I thought when I read that story? When P-51’s were out there in R/L, waxing Zeroes and poppin’ caps at the Luftwaffe they were being flown by kids just as young, and younger, than Hinton. There is a reason those brotherhubbbards are called the “Greatest Generation.” They were twentysomethings and they were flying life or death missions in the greatest war of the 20th Century. Nowadays, 21-year-olds are most likely still living with mommy and daddy and workin’ at the drive thru of some greasy burger joint. Sad.



Speaking of sad. Gen. Stanley McChrystal has requested an additional 30,000-40,000 U.S. troops for the war in Afghanistan. StMcC says that if he doesn’t get the requested troops, the war in Afghanistan will be lost. So, what’s so sad? Sad is the fact that thousands more brave American soldiers will be put in harm’s way for this sham of a war. Sad is Bowe Bergdahl is still being held prisoner by the bad guys and no one seems to care. But saddest of all, is the fact that Stanley McChrystal, a fucking American general, has no idea that we’ve already lost the war in Afghanistan. And the chucklenut is either too blind or too stupid to realize it. SHEESH!




And finally…here we go again. The headline in today’s RGJ blared, “Region to get a new slogan.” Seems the RSCVA wants to boost visitor numbers and they think a new slogan will do the trick. Yeah, that always works. Now, I know what you’re sayin’, “The RSCVA has someone on board who thinks? Hardly. We did this a couple of months ago when the City of Sparks wanted to change their nickname from the “Rail City” to something like, “City of the Blowing Tulips.” GAWD! So, I guess if the RSCVA thinks “America’s Adventure Place” isn’t “cool or hip enough” of a slogan…I humbly offer my suggestions…


Reno… ‘Vegas’ ugly stepsister.”

“Reno…it’s not just for old ladies playing nickel slots anymore. We’ve got penny slots too!”

“Reno…what happens here is just more expensive than when it happens at home.”

“Drought? What drought? There’s no stinking drought!”

“Reno…we’ve got both kinds of music…country and western!”



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Deja Vu All Over Again and Again

Ah, Groundhog Day…the time of year when Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Agnostics and Atheists from all over the USo’A join together, throw their Deities under the bus and, for one day, believe that the all-knowing, all-seeing Almighty is a steroid-induced marmot.


Well, today the folks up in the PA, pulled the little rat-bastard out of his hole and exclaimed to the world that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and that winter would continue for another six weeks. Nice call Phil. Have you seen the last couple of weeks here in the 775? It’s been absolutely spring-like. Hell, we haven’t even STARTED winter yet. But divining the future on the sun-blocking ability of a rabid chipmunk got us to thinking…maybe we could predict some future events…



Michael Phelps, the greatest American Olympic athlete of all time, turns out to be a Rastafarian. Aye Caramba! Still think marijuana is the “evil drug?” Ask Mikey…or ask the doctors that did this study…or, like we’ve said before, open your bible to Genesis 1:29, read, repeat. Our prediction: Phelps will lose endorsement money from people like Disney and WalMart but get huge endorsement bucks from Doritos, Hostess Twinkies and Red Bull.



Today is the first day of the 2009 Nevada Legislature. Our prediction is that politicians will try to save as many programs as possible while not raising taxes. It never occurs to those bobbleheads that they have to pay for stuff with SOMETHING. They just never get around to figuring out how.



A new study out has dire news for the 775. It says the drought in the area makes the Silver State a natural disaster area. Our prediction: County Commissioners and City Council members will see this as a good sign and promptly rubber-stamp several sprawling developments and a couple of mega-casinos. After all, if you think the 775 is in a drought, you must be a tree-huggin’, Birkenstock wearin’, tie-dyed, Al Gore-lovin’ hippie. Wow…that sounds a lot like Michael Phelps.



And finally…yesterday we were all treated to a great Super Bowl, that is, unless you’re an Arizona Cardinals fan. The thing that stuck out the most, though, was the halftime show. YIKES! Aside from the ear worm he stuck us with, nothing is scarier than Bruce Springsteen doing a power slide right into the camera. Yo Boss…if no one wanted to see Janet Jackson’s niblets a few years ago…no one wants to see the ingredients of your codpiece today. And a quick note to the NFL. Hey guys, can you please quit with the geriatric, antique, octogenarian rockers? The 1970’s are OVER. If we wanted to see some old geezer strutting around like a peacock with a sugar buzz…we’d just give grandpa one of Michael Phelps’ blunts. Yup, that’d do it.



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Falling Down the Mind Shaft

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You Are What You Urp

It's not a pretty sight...Tecate & Candy Corn…so much for holiday dinners…but it gave us pause and got us to thinkin' 'bout the scariest things we saw this Halloween...



We saw Sarah Palin hangin' around...


and the guy lookin’ for Osama Bin Laden…


We ran across across Nevada's chances of gettin’ a berth in a bowl game...


and we saw the last drop of H20 in the entire friggin' 775...


Any way you look at it, there are a lot of scary things out there on All Hallows Eve. Just be careful what you put in your pie-hole when you get home. Remember...garbage in/garbage out.


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Freeballin' Friday

Artown 2008 ended last night with a performance by the Harlem Gospel Choir. More than 3,000 people jammed into Wingfield Park to catch the show. Curious factoid…when the HGC arrived in the 775 the number of brown-skinded brothers in the area DOUBLED!

Question: If the drought here in the 775 keeps going, where are all the newbies gonna get their water? We’ve been sayin’ it for years…water is the new gold.

The NBA’s D-League team in Reno got a name…Bighorns. Puh-Leeze! Aren’t bighorns part of the SHEEP family? They named our team after a four-legged, head-bangin’ vegetarian. Bummer.

It seems that the Rail City wants to bail out of the RSCVA. We can understand that. Sparks NEVER got props from the RSCVA. We do wonder...if Sparks is gonna form its own bureau, where they gonna get the money to pay for it? Just asking.

Michelle Wie is tied for 77th place at the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open (what, no mention of Sparks?). Hey Wie Wie…go back and play with the girls ‘til you win something there. Now, you’re just takin’ bread outta some poor man’s wallet.

Finally, Hot August Nights starts up this weekend. It’s a celebration of a simpler time when minorities were treated like shit, women were discouraged from working and the only drugs in baseball were alcohol and nicotine. WARNING! Watch out for blue hairs with blue plates drivin’ momma’s hoopty. Fuel is so expensive now, they’re not gonna stop for anything (except maybe to buy more gas).

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A River Runs Through It

Like we've said before...here in the 775 we'll race anything. We race airplanes. We race balloons. We race dromedaries. Heck...we even race commodes. This weekend it's kayaks as the Reno River Festival shifts into high gear. Lots of wet boating fun. And no, not the Fred Smoot kind. It's a great event for the whole fam and, hopefully, it'll be on our calendars for a long time. That being said, we muse on the future of the RRF with a haiku quartet. Enjoy. Oh yeah...and Happy Mother's Day to all you muthers out there!

Lawns are turning brown

then withering into dust.

But Reno's growing!

There is NOT a drought.

Lets us have a festival.

Pray to God it rains.

Fun on the river

No need to conserve the stuff

water's a-plenty.

The party's downtown

Just what we need, more tourists.

Watch out for the cops!

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Big Gulp

It’s good to see the Government-Cheese down in the 702 suffers from the same head-in-ass syndrome as they do here in the 775.


Today a hearing starts into plans to pump billions of gallons of water every year from the rural counties down to the perpetually-parched growth monster that is Las Vegas.


LaLa Land did it to the Owens Valley in the early 1900’s. We see how THAT turned out.


Those for the project say that, “The highest and best use of this water resource is in the Las Vegas Valley.” Those folks include casino executives, developers and union representatives. They’re playing the fear card when they warn of an economic downturn affecting the entire state unless ‘Vegas has enough water to keep growing. BOOGYBOOGYBOOGITY!!!


Opponents say, “There’s not enough water in the valleys for exportation without harming existing water users and the environment.” That side includes a group of ranchers and farmers opposed to the project, as well as local irrigation companies, a water board, the Sierra Club, Nevada Cattlemen’s Association and White Pine County.


We say…Las Vegas is located in the DESERT! It’s called a desert for a reason. But if you think for one instant ANYONE gives a fig about a bunch of Lincoln & White Pine County sodbusters, left-wing tree huggers and anti growth activists…you’d be wrong.


We’re betting the casinos and the developers and the unions are gonna get every drop of water they ask for. Then, they’ll take every penny they can from the government-cheese, you and me. After all, they’ve gotta make money somehow.


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The 702 Wants Your Babies Next

It's called the DESERT for a reason!


The 702 reminds us of the schoolyard bully that’d finished his packet of mustard and saltine cracker lunch and starts to leer at you and your lunchables. “You gonna eat that?,” he says. You say “no” and the bully gets your lunch. You say ”yes” and you get a handful of boogers wiped across your Wonderbread.


Hey 'Vegas...get your own water and leave Lincoln County's H20 alone!


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Drowning on Dry Land

Anytime you hear the words "new government entity" know that your tax dollars are likely being flushed down the toilet.

The newest waste...the "Western Regional Water Commission." They're tasked with managing our water supplies and search for new sources. Hey dumbasses...here's a newsflash -- manage the growth of the state's population and you won't NEED to find more water. Or is that just too simple of an answer for the government cheese?

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From the Department of Bureaucracy Division - Crony Department

Again, the government cheese getting bigger 'cause they can't do all that work by their little lonesomes.

The Western Regional Water Commission won't have authority to acquire water, raise rates, or incur debt. Well, at least, the "can't raise rates" and the "can't incur debt" parts are right on.

The agency will have the ability to create region-wide plans for the use, management and conservation of water. Ummm...shouldn't we already have someone to do that?

Meanwhile, at the last minute, Lawmakers gave pay raises to school board members in Washoe and Clark counties. Board members were making $480 per month and now they get $2,000 per month. That's a 300% increase. No wonder the state doesn't have the money for things like transportation, education and meth addiction...they're spending all your tax money giving raises to their buddies. SHEESH!

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Dead Poet's Society

The Gaz tells us that the biggest concerns for residents in northern Nevada are traffic, growth and water.

Ever the opportunists, we here at PTB offer a little 575 for the 775...

City Council votes
Put up another strip mall
wilderness no more.

The Mapes got blown up
Cinderblocks and memories
are all that are left.

Bumper to bumper
If you build it they will come
Drink the desert dry.

We used to be the
biggest of little cities
now we're just Fresno.



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