Up Up and Away

It never ceases to amaze me what dumb-assed pussies Americans are. As you know, earlier this week, some BSC motherhubbard tried to set off an explosive device in his pants while he was flying to Detroit. Aye caramba, dude. Talk about one painful brit milah. No worries, though. Passengers on the plane saw what was happening and gave the rat-bastard the American version of the Glasgow kiss. They shoulda tossed him out the door but, instead, they detained him ‘til landing. The dude got perp-walked and now he’s in the Gray Bar Motel.

Tighty-righties, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies and teabaggers alike had collective conniptions. “Obama is soft on terror,” they said. “We need more security at airports,” they whined. And on…and on…and on. Here’s what they don’t get: Airplanes, in the first place, aren’t totally safe. If God had wanted man to fly, he’d have given him some sort of wing-like appendage. Secondly, airports and airplanes should be the least of our worries. Why?

Americans have this pompous sense of superiority over peoples of other nations. “We’re smarter, we’re better, and by golly, we love ourselves,” we say. And that’s the problem. While Dick “Dr. Evil” Cheney and Tom “Over the” Ridge and their ilk piss and moan about airport security, the REAL terrorists are planning their next attack and it isn’t gonna be in an airport or on a plane. Too much security…too much hassle….been there, done that. No, terrorists hit you where you’re most vulnerable and when you least expect it. That’s why they call it terrorism.

So, while republican hacks try to score points with the voting public by vilifying Janet Napolitano and Barry-O and scaring the bejeezus out of the flying American public, the bad guys are gonna pop us while we’re not looking. It might be in a shopping mall, it might be on a bus or a train. But it won't be at an airport…because that’s exactly where we expect them to be. SHEESH! Americans…we think we’re so smart. Too bad we’re not.

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Wednesday Wonderings

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi got creamed a couple of days ago when a BSC motherhubbard tossed a marble statue that hit him square in the mug. YOUCH! But am I the only one in the world who saw that story and instantly thought, “Why couldn’t the Iraqi shoe dude been that accurate?”

As the healthcare debate rambles through the Senate I got to thinking. Do you know anyone, that doesn’t have healthcare, who is against reform and a public option? I didn’t think so. Seems like the only people against healthcare reform are the ones who already have health insurance.

An new study, just released by the Census Bureau, says that by 2050 whites won’t make up the majority of citizens in the USo’A. If you go outside sometime today, cup your hand to your ear and listen very closely. That funny sound? That’s the sound of Lou Dobbs’ sphincter crushing a lump of coal into the world’s most perfect diamond. True dat.

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Ace Hole

The story says that Nevada is among the worst states in the entire USo’A in the enforcement of payment of child support. Figures. How can you expect Reno-911 to be out there perp-walkin’ deadbeat dads when they’re so busy hasslin’ burners for burnin’, kids on skateboards and shopkeepers sellin’ hooch to 20-year-olds? SHEESH!


President Obama gave a speech to the nation’s youth today and the tighty-righties have their Underoos in a bunch. They say it is an indoctrination of our children into the ‘Bamer’s fascist ideology. Hey chucklenuts, if you actually could spell well enough to look up the word “fascism,” you’d know how BSC y’all sound for sayin’ it. Besides…could anything be worse for kids than My Pet Goat? Losers.


Obama advisor and “Green Czar” Van Jones resigned over the weekend ‘cause he said that the government-cheese was involved in 9/11 and he called republicans “assholes.” Well, he wears the kind of tinfoil hat that lets him believe that the Bush-Wipes could plan anything correctly, maybe he should have resigned. But calling republicans assholes…ummm…Didn’t Dick call a fellow member of the Senate a “fucker”? Oh yeah…and Dick is the one who still thinks Iraq had something to do with 9/11. Democrats say dumb things and have to resign…republicans say (and do) dumb things and they’re promoted to the head of the party. Be afraid tighty-righties…2010 is right around the corner and y’all are gonna get smoked like a Cuban cigar. Aye caramba!


And finally, a mea culpa. That’s right. I was wrrr…wrrr….wrong. Earlier this year I predicted that the Reno Aces were gonna fall flat on their, well…aces. Boy did I screw the pooch on that one. All summer long the Aces drew decent crowds, played pretty exciting baseball and proved the old adage…”When PTB makes his predictions, get rich by betting the other way.” True dat.

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Monday Musings

Why is it O.K. for the United States to torture “enemy combatants” in Gitmo, but it’s not O.K. for our enemies to torture our guys when they get captured? Oh, I know. It’s the same reason Los Angeles Dodger fans booed the hell outta Barry Bonds when they found out he was a steroid-abusing cheater but gave Manny Ramirez a standing ovation for the same thing. Torture sure is a fucked up thing…but at least, it’s OUR torture. Aye caramba!



Now that Blackwater is back in the news ‘cause its founder is a friggin’ BSC motherhubbard, I started to wonder. Remember back in the day, if you were in the armed forces and you messed up, they’d make you peel potatoes? It was called K.P. Well, it seems that you can’t go all Gomer Pyle on a dumbass nowadays ‘cause the United States Government pays Blackwater to peel potatoes, do laundry and dig latrines. Did you know that digging shit-holes for Blackwater gets you TEN TIMES the pay rate of the poor dogfaces getting their asses blown off? Remember when war profiteering was a bad thing?



Now, I really don’t want to start off the week on a bummer note (a different tack from the usual Mondays, I know.). So, I’m gonna play a couple of sets of “Vilification Tennis”…here goes…


"Your momma is so hairy, when she takes her clothes off, PETA throws red paint on her!"


Not a bad start to the week, neh?


(8.-)

Got the Heebie GBs

All I can say is, Thank God for Glenn Beck.” Y’all know Glenn, he’s the tighty-righty, tin foil hat wearin’, BSC motherhubbard host from Faux News. Today the Beckster said what a lot of Americans have known all along. President Barack Hussein Obama is…wait for it…wait for it… President Barack Hussein Obama is a RACIST! Aye caramba!

Thank you Glenn, for tellin’ it like it is. It’s bad enough that Barry-O was born in one of the freak states and hung out with howlies and islanders and other brown-skinded brotherhubbards while he was growin’ up. But GB has exposed the ‘Bamer for what he really is…Archie Bunker with a tan!

Finally, someone is out there protecting crackers against the hatred and hypocrisy and discrimination that has plagued the white man since the founding of this great nation! Whitey will not take this oppression from minorities or women or gays any longer! And Glenn Beck, right-wing nut job, is leading the way.

(8.-)

Tuesday's Gone

This just in: Michael Jackson is still dead. Problem is, the story just won’t go away. If the mainstream media had covered the Bush administration with this much manpower and gusto, Scooter, Rummy, Brownie, Dr. Evil and the Bush-Wipe would all be in jail right about now. BTW…who the hell is paying for all the cops to be security for the funeral? It’s not like the Governator and the rest of Cali is swimming in dough.

Speakin' of dough...last night, down in the basement we had an epiphany. Chocolate chip cookie air freshener. The great smell of Mom baking, without the mess, the calories or tooth decay. Can someone please make this happen?

And finally…caught a great documentary on NatGeo last night. Hitler’s Stealth Fighter. You heard it right…The Nazis had a flying wing that was stealthy and looked just like the B2 Stealth…and they had it sixty years before the United States did. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: The only reason the Nazis lost WWII is because Hitler was in charge. Knock off that BSC motherhubbard and we’d all be speakin’ German right now. True dat.

(8.-)

Hypocritical Mass

Last week the SCOTUS ruled that inmates don’t have the constitutional right to get a DNA test that might prove their innocence in a crime if the inmate has already been convicted of that crime. Remember when the USo’A would free a hundred guilty rat-bastards rather than imprison one innocent person? We do. And damn, it seems like it was a long time ago.

A watchdog group out of D.C. called, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics, wants the Senate Ethics Committee to investigate the actions of Senator John “Able-Semen” Ensign. Problem: Johnny Wad isn’t taking responsibility for his actions and, through those actions, we found out he doesn’t have any ethics either. Don’t worry guys; the election is right around the corner. Ensign is gonna get fusticated.

The lawyer for Bernie Madoff (With the Money) says his client is remorseful and that twelve years in the hoosegow is adequate punishment for the biggest fraud in American history. Donte Stallworth of the Cleveland Browns was driving drunk and killed a pedestrian. His sentence? Thirty days. Ever feel like the cute and fuzzy bunnies get all the breaks? Believe this…if it woulda been you or me, they’d have run us off to Gitmo.

And finally, speakin’ ‘bout Gitmo…the other day, republicans in Congress introduced a resolution that stated, in part,

“Congress expresses its support for all Iranian citizens who struggle for freedom, human rights, civil liberties, and the protection of the rule of law... [and] affirms the universality of individual rights…”

This is what’s so BSC about the tighty-righties. They’ll piss and moan and wail and rend garments over Iranian protests but when it comes to giving human rights, civil liberties, individual rights and the protection of the rule of law to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, they stick their collective heads back up their collective asses and hide. Republican hypocrisy. Alive and well.

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Flagged

Some call it the “forgotten holiday” but here at PTB, we love us some Flag Day! Yesterday, while enjoying a celebratory case of beer in honor of F.D., we were perusing the RGJ and nearly skidmarked our Underoos when we saw the pic, on page 1D. What, you say, was so bad that would lead to such a knee-jerk response? Two words – Flag. Ties. Aye caramba!



Back in the ‘90’s, The Newtster and his posse rolled out the “Contract With America.” It was a misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic manifesto that propelled the far right to the halls of power. We’re still trying to recover from that fiasco. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



One of the highlights of the tome, was a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban flag burning. Yeah, right. Like Newt Gingrich and his ilk are smarter than Jefferson, Franklin, Madison and the rest of our old-skewl motherhubbards. Not. It seemed like the republicans were more interested in protecting the U.S. flag from desecration than they were in protecting the Constitution from ill-advised amendments from BSC politicians.



But the far-right has wrapped itself in the S&S and proclaimed that anyone with different flag-related ideas was a commie-pinko, a terrorist, or worse – a Frenchman! Remember how they vilified Barry-O for not wearing a flag pin? Well…we’ve got news for the tighty-righties out there…y’all are wrong.



Section 8d of the U.S. Flag Code reads: "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel.” Yes, peoples, we do own a copy of the U.S. Flag Code. That’s how civics geeks roll. That means no flag pins for politicians, no flag patches for the PoPo and no flag ties for the unwashed (and un-educated) masses. Isn’t it ironic that the same people who swear to uphold the constitution are the same ones wanting to amend it for political gain – all while wearing the flag like it was a red white and blue corsage? Douchebags.



So, from us here at PTB...Happy belated Flag Day everyone…not that y’all needed any remindin’.



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The American Way?

The first detainee from Gitmo got his day in court yesterday. Ahmed Ghailani (who looks like he's about ten years old) has been in U.S. custody for five fuckin’ years without a trial or charges. That’s good news to real Americans out there. Why? ‘Cause in the land of the free and the home of the brave, we’re not supposed to toss people in the dungeon and throw away the key. That’s not the way we roll. Alas…President Barack Hussein Obama didn’t get that memo. Read on…

The USo’A is sending seventeen Uighurs, formerly at Gitmo, to the island nation of Palau. Palau agreed to take the men in exchange for two hundred million U.S. dollars even though there is a large Uighur population in D.C. that desperately wants to take in their brothers. Two hundred million…that comes to $11,764,705.88 per Uighur. Tell you what Barry-O…PTB will take a couple of those bad boys for eleven mil apiece. Heck-fire…they can shack up in the ‘rent’s basement with us and we’ll have a good ole time. Easy to do with that kinda scratch.

The BSC motherhubbard who’s accused of murdering one soldier and wounding another last week in front of a recruiting station says he did it in retaliation for what our military is doing in Iraq and Afghanistan. Question: The dude was born and raised here in the U.S. If the guy is this pissed off at his own countrymen…how pissed off you think the people who actually live (and die) in Afghanistan and Iraq are? For every one person we kill over there, ten more terrorists are born.

American citizens Walter Myers and his wife, Gwendolyn have been charged with spying for Cuba for the past thirty years. We’ve gotta ask…WTF kind of information were they sending Fidel and the boys? Cuba is as bass-ackward now as in the 1970’s so it’s not like they got any good intel.

And finally…we read a story yesterday sayin’ that the ‘Bamer mentions JZeus more often in public than the Bush-Wipe ever did. Yo, Barry-O…pResident Bush wore his religion like Zsa Zsa wearin’ a fur coat. It didn’t do any good. Why? Because GWB is about as Christian as Scooby Doo. You wanna show the SOG how Christian you really are? Show him what you’re doin’ to the guys at Gitmo. Whadda you think he’ll say?



(8.-)

Tehran So Far Away

Read us once and you’ll know we love us the Persians here at PTB. Hell, if we ever get outta this blogging-nerd phase, move outta the ‘rent’s basement and hook up with a Persian grrl and we’re gonna name our first baby Cyrus…but that’s the crux of another biscuit…

Now, y’all know that there are a lot of problems goin’ down in Iran. That’s what you get when you let a bunch of BSC religious wing-nuts run your country. But there’s a crack getting’ wider over there and it could be a chance for the USo'A to make some progress. According to a story…

“With young people pursuing more liberal lifestyles and shunning the traditional mores of their parents' generation, the marrying age is steadily climbing. This terrifies Iran's religious government, which still peddles the virtue of chastity and views young people's shifting attitudes toward sexuality as a direct threat to the Islamic revolution's core values.”

We told you about those religious zealots. But do you see it? C’mon…what is the one universal attitude that all teenagers share? FUCK AUTHORITY! It’s been that way forever. Teenagers hate rules and they hate when authority figures tell ‘em what to do. So, here’s the plan:

Rather than getting’ into a dick-swingin’ contest with Iran’s tighty-righties…you know…with bullets and guns and bombs… we should fight ‘em with drugs, sex and rock & roll. Think about it. If the U.S. starts smuggling Snoop Dogg CD’s, cases of Jack Daniels, subscriptions to Hustler and anything grown in the Emerald Triangle into Iran, soon the young’uns will turn on their elderly oppressors. Anyone older than 50 can attest to the fact that with enough booze, THC and coochie on their minds, kids’ll go BSC for the right to be rebellious. And isn’t that what we’d like to see in old Persia, a rebellion? REMEMBER THE 60's!

We hope we’re all alive to see it…it’s gonna be a beautiful sight. Downtown Tehran, packed with revelers, slammin’ Mojitos and beer-bonging Jaeger Meister. The smoke so thick from the spliffs that it looks like a foggy day in San Francisco. Skynyrd jammin’ Freebird on the boombox and rocket-hottie Persian babes doin’ the Middle Eastern version of Girls Gone Wild. Just the thought of that has the Ayatollah spinnin’ in his grave. Well…at least he’s doin’ it to a kick-ass beat.

(8.-)

Pon-Tiff

Here at PTB we love us some Pope. That dude has got to be the baddest motherhubbard on the planet. Why? Who else could swear off sex and walk around all day in a robe, a mitre and ruby red slippers without everyone thinking he’s gay? Nobody. But what the Pontiff said over the weekend got us thinkin’ ‘bout the third Commandment – “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.”





Now, most people are taught that the third Commandment means you can’t say “Goddamnit.” PTB readers know that’s not what we were taught. We were taught that taking the Lord’s name in vain meant assigning God’s intentions to human actions. Y’all know what we’re talkin’ ‘bout…


Athletes sayin’ how God helped ‘em win a championship…

or, politicians spoutin’ off about how God blesses America…

and criminals makin’ excuses for their deeds by sayin’ God made ‘em do it.



Listen folks, the Invisible Man in the Sky could give a rat’s ass who wins the Super Bowl…America is NOT His favorite country and no matter how BSC you are, He did NOT tell you to kill someone. Which brings us to Gentle Ben.



Saturday, in a humble moment, The Pontiff said he found it hard to understand why the Lord would have picked him to be Pope. Well…we’ve got news for ya Big Ben…God didn’t pick you to be Pope…a bunch of Catholic Bishops elected you Pope. JZeus’ dad doesn’t give a flyin’ fig who runs the Catholic church. Zero. However we do find it strange that you think God really does sit around Heaven pickin’ winners and losers down here like it was all one big parlay card of life. Dude… you either don’t have a good grasp of the third Commandment or your mitre must be on too tight.



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Why We Freak

Studies have found that combat veterans are twice as likely to commit suicide as people in the general population. Can you see where this is goin’? Nine percent of all unemployment in the United States is attributed to combat exposure, as is 8 percent of all divorce or separation and 21 percent of all spousal or partner abuse. Aye Caramba! So why are people surprised when a soldier, either stationed abroad or right here at home, goes BSC and starts poppin’ caps into people? Y’all shouldn’t be. We weren’t. Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit:

Most of the brothers and sisters serving in Iraq and Afghanistan belong to the National Guard. Remember the National Guard? “One weekend a month and two weeks a year.” Not. Anymore. Thanks to Chimp-Dick’s two unwinnable and immoral wars, Guardsmen (and women) from all over the USo’A are getting stop-lossed into three, four or five tours of duty. Stayin’ that long in the Suck would make anyone crazy! And all they get to do is army versions of C.W. McCall and Paul Blart -- escorting convoys to and fro and being security guards.

Yup…pResident Bush started this fuckin’ mess and it looks like the ‘Bamer isn’t gonna stop it anytime soon. Every day civilians and soldiers die needlessly. Every day young American men and women are being driven to the edge by this fucked up bullshit. Does the Government-Cheese care? They say they do during the campaign season but as soon as they take office, they forget. We shouldn’t be surprised.




(8.-)

Joey, Joey, Joey. Oi, Oi, Oi.

Joey Gilbert, ex-favorite son of the 775, has joined forces with a couple other lawyer-types as a spokesman for a pro-Yucca Mountain lobbying group. Now, we know what y’all are sayin’, “Joey Gilbert can speak?”





But seriously, we’re wonderin’ how a cheatin’, lyin’, punch-drunk, convicted drug user can be the spokesman for anything. That being said, Gilbert has now gone over to the dark side. How can this be? Well…Gilbert has said he’s gonna throw his hat into the ring and run for political office. No problems with that. The thing is, Joe-Go has declared himself a Republican and started getting’ tootled by State Assemblyman Ty Cobb. Republicans pushing for the NV to store the country’s nookular waste? Yup. That’s their stance on the issue.




Proponents of Yucca Mountain say the Silver State will get big bucks from the Feds by storing all that radioactive diarrhea here in the 702. They point to all the scratch Alaskans get from oil company revenues. But that’s the crux of today’s biscuit…




Alaska’s oil money comes from the oil industry. Ask the poor bastards that live near Prince William Sound what they think of oil companies. Yucca-lovers say the big bucks’ll come from the Federal Government. Bad analogy. Ya see, oil companies have been making obscene profits for decades. Give a little to the AK’ers? O.K. Problem is, the feds have been hemorrhaging money since the Bush-Wipes took office. The Fed is dirt-poor. Feds got no juice, pachuco. So, where’s the money gonna come from? Nowhere.




Tighty-righty chuckleheads like Gilbert, who hate the federal government unless they want something from it, actually believe Silver Staters are gonna get big bank from the government-cheese. Not. Gonna. Happen. Best case scenario, we get the dump and nothing leaks for a million years. Worst case scenario, some BSC motherhubbard grabs hold of Pelham 123 on the way to Yucca and blows the bejeezus outta the poor bastards in Iowa or Nebraska or down in the 702. Anyone remember Trashcan Man from the Stand? We do.




Our suggestion? Hey Joey…STFU. Just because you have an (in)famous name doesn’t qualify you to accept Yucca Mountain on our behalf. Besides…Vegas glows nicely on its own.




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Pig Out

Doesn’t it seem that we’re overreacting just a bit to this sick pig business? C’mon guys, let’s get realistic here. More than 20,000 Americans die every year from the friggin’ regular flu but you don’t see Homeland Security goin all BSC ‘cause o’ that, do ya? Maybe they’ll make one of those color-coded threat charts for cold and flu season. “OMG! Swine flu outbreak! Raise the threat level to periwinkle!”


It’s time to chill the hell out. It seems that the last eight years of Bush-Wipe politics has the whole country scared shitless at the tiniest thing. Do we really need all this gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the anticipation of a pandemic?

One interesting thing to come out of all this…the Muslims sure are happy. Figurin’ this outbreak started in Mexico, the tighty-righties are clamoring for the U.S. to close the border and start deporting Mexicans. It’ll take at least six months before Muslims get back to the top of the haters’shit- list.



BTW…you think WE’RE freakin’ out? The government of Egypt has ordered every pig in the entire country to be killed. 300,000 Egyptian pigs takin' a dirt nap. And they don’t even have one reported case of swine flu. Aye Caramba! We’ll expect the Egyptians to follow suit the next time someone gets bird flu, mad cow disease or chickenpox. But it’ll really get BSC if the motherhubbards do the same thing for their first reported case of Lyme disease.




(8.-)

Don't Fear the Queer

Well, it’s been more than a week since Iowans decided that gay marriage was legal and in seven short days, GLBT peoples will be allowed to get hitched. So, we’ve got a question for the Westboro Baptist Church:



Hey, guys…WTF happened to Jzeus’ Dad? If you don’t know who the WBC is, they’re the BSC motherhubbards that swear on their bibles that “God Hates Fags.” Seriously, that’s what they believe. But words ring hollow peoples. We wanna see some action. Now, the WBCers are probably out and about, protesting at some poor bastard’s funeral but y’all had better light a fire underneath the Big Guy. The longer the Invisible Man in the Sky waits to punish Iowa (and Iowans) the less likely anyone is to believe in what the WBC is sayin’.



Look, we’re not askin’ for much. A plague would be pretty cool. Pestilence? We can dig that too. Or maybe a famine. That’d hit those gay-lovin’ Iowans right below their corn belts. That’s the kind of Godly retribution the WBC predicts and that’s the kind of fire and brimstone we’re lookin’ for. After all, it’s only Iowa.



So whadda you waitin’ for WBCers? Get on the horn to Burning Bush Man and tell him to get busy on this one. It’s not like he anything better to do.



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