Up Up and Away

It never ceases to amaze me what dumb-assed pussies Americans are. As you know, earlier this week, some BSC motherhubbard tried to set off an explosive device in his pants while he was flying to Detroit. Aye caramba, dude. Talk about one painful brit milah. No worries, though. Passengers on the plane saw what was happening and gave the rat-bastard the American version of the Glasgow kiss. They shoulda tossed him out the door but, instead, they detained him ‘til landing. The dude got perp-walked and now he’s in the Gray Bar Motel.

Tighty-righties, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies and teabaggers alike had collective conniptions. “Obama is soft on terror,” they said. “We need more security at airports,” they whined. And on…and on…and on. Here’s what they don’t get: Airplanes, in the first place, aren’t totally safe. If God had wanted man to fly, he’d have given him some sort of wing-like appendage. Secondly, airports and airplanes should be the least of our worries. Why?

Americans have this pompous sense of superiority over peoples of other nations. “We’re smarter, we’re better, and by golly, we love ourselves,” we say. And that’s the problem. While Dick “Dr. Evil” Cheney and Tom “Over the” Ridge and their ilk piss and moan about airport security, the REAL terrorists are planning their next attack and it isn’t gonna be in an airport or on a plane. Too much security…too much hassle….been there, done that. No, terrorists hit you where you’re most vulnerable and when you least expect it. That’s why they call it terrorism.

So, while republican hacks try to score points with the voting public by vilifying Janet Napolitano and Barry-O and scaring the bejeezus out of the flying American public, the bad guys are gonna pop us while we’re not looking. It might be in a shopping mall, it might be on a bus or a train. But it won't be at an airport…because that’s exactly where we expect them to be. SHEESH! Americans…we think we’re so smart. Too bad we’re not.

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Wednesday Wonderings

Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi got creamed a couple of days ago when a BSC motherhubbard tossed a marble statue that hit him square in the mug. YOUCH! But am I the only one in the world who saw that story and instantly thought, “Why couldn’t the Iraqi shoe dude been that accurate?”

As the healthcare debate rambles through the Senate I got to thinking. Do you know anyone, that doesn’t have healthcare, who is against reform and a public option? I didn’t think so. Seems like the only people against healthcare reform are the ones who already have health insurance.

An new study, just released by the Census Bureau, says that by 2050 whites won’t make up the majority of citizens in the USo’A. If you go outside sometime today, cup your hand to your ear and listen very closely. That funny sound? That’s the sound of Lou Dobbs’ sphincter crushing a lump of coal into the world’s most perfect diamond. True dat.

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Monday Musings

Why is it O.K. for the United States to torture “enemy combatants” in Gitmo, but it’s not O.K. for our enemies to torture our guys when they get captured? Oh, I know. It’s the same reason Los Angeles Dodger fans booed the hell outta Barry Bonds when they found out he was a steroid-abusing cheater but gave Manny Ramirez a standing ovation for the same thing. Torture sure is a fucked up thing…but at least, it’s OUR torture. Aye caramba!



Now that Blackwater is back in the news ‘cause its founder is a friggin’ BSC motherhubbard, I started to wonder. Remember back in the day, if you were in the armed forces and you messed up, they’d make you peel potatoes? It was called K.P. Well, it seems that you can’t go all Gomer Pyle on a dumbass nowadays ‘cause the United States Government pays Blackwater to peel potatoes, do laundry and dig latrines. Did you know that digging shit-holes for Blackwater gets you TEN TIMES the pay rate of the poor dogfaces getting their asses blown off? Remember when war profiteering was a bad thing?



Now, I really don’t want to start off the week on a bummer note (a different tack from the usual Mondays, I know.). So, I’m gonna play a couple of sets of “Vilification Tennis”…here goes…


"Your momma is so hairy, when she takes her clothes off, PETA throws red paint on her!"


Not a bad start to the week, neh?


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Got the Heebie GBs

All I can say is, Thank God for Glenn Beck.” Y’all know Glenn, he’s the tighty-righty, tin foil hat wearin’, BSC motherhubbard host from Faux News. Today the Beckster said what a lot of Americans have known all along. President Barack Hussein Obama is…wait for it…wait for it… President Barack Hussein Obama is a RACIST! Aye caramba!

Thank you Glenn, for tellin’ it like it is. It’s bad enough that Barry-O was born in one of the freak states and hung out with howlies and islanders and other brown-skinded brotherhubbards while he was growin’ up. But GB has exposed the ‘Bamer for what he really is…Archie Bunker with a tan!

Finally, someone is out there protecting crackers against the hatred and hypocrisy and discrimination that has plagued the white man since the founding of this great nation! Whitey will not take this oppression from minorities or women or gays any longer! And Glenn Beck, right-wing nut job, is leading the way.

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Adieu Harry Patch

There was a reason they called WWI the “War to End All Wars.” It was a nightmare. Eight million soldiers and seven million civilians were killed. Twenty-two million soldiers and countless civilians were injured. That’s just flat-out nasty. How do I know? Because I knew what was on the mind of Harry Patch and over the weekend, Harry Patch died. Patch was the last man alive who actually fought in the trenches in WWI. At 111 years old, he’d lived a long life but what struck people most about Harry Patch was his vigorous anti-war stance. He didn’t even talk about his experiences ‘til he was 100. But once he hit the century mark, he let loose, calling war, “…organized murder and nothing else.” Since Patch had first-hand experience with the nastiness that is war, you’d think people would have listened to him. You’d be wrong.

As we speak, the United States has 140,000 troops fighting in Iraq. In Afghanistan, we’ve got 50,000. Two wars, for the wrong reasons, against the wrong people. Hell, the United States has military personnel in almost forty foreign countries! WTF do we need our soldiers in fucking Norway? Are we protecting ‘em from the Swedes? In regard to Patch, Prince “I am NOT Gay” Charles said, “The Great War is a chapter in our history we must never forget, so many sacrifices were made, so many young lives lost.” No shit Chuck, ya think?

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple: War is one messed up motherhubbard and we, as the human race, should have grown out of it by now. But we haven’t learned a damned thing. Politicians and Government Cheese-Dicks suckle from the teat of the military-industrial complex just to get reelected…all the while perpetuating wars as “necessary.” They talk all patriotic about the sacrifices our heroic young people make then, they keep sending ‘em out to die. The thing is, soldiers do what their told. So, now it’s time politicians quit telling them to make the ultimate sacrifice and bring ‘em all home. They might not live to be 111 like Harry Patch…but at least, they’d have a chance. besides, nobody wants to be stationed in Norway.

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Joey, Joey, Joey. Oi, Oi, Oi.

Joey Gilbert, ex-favorite son of the 775, has joined forces with a couple other lawyer-types as a spokesman for a pro-Yucca Mountain lobbying group. Now, we know what y’all are sayin’, “Joey Gilbert can speak?”





But seriously, we’re wonderin’ how a cheatin’, lyin’, punch-drunk, convicted drug user can be the spokesman for anything. That being said, Gilbert has now gone over to the dark side. How can this be? Well…Gilbert has said he’s gonna throw his hat into the ring and run for political office. No problems with that. The thing is, Joe-Go has declared himself a Republican and started getting’ tootled by State Assemblyman Ty Cobb. Republicans pushing for the NV to store the country’s nookular waste? Yup. That’s their stance on the issue.




Proponents of Yucca Mountain say the Silver State will get big bucks from the Feds by storing all that radioactive diarrhea here in the 702. They point to all the scratch Alaskans get from oil company revenues. But that’s the crux of today’s biscuit…




Alaska’s oil money comes from the oil industry. Ask the poor bastards that live near Prince William Sound what they think of oil companies. Yucca-lovers say the big bucks’ll come from the Federal Government. Bad analogy. Ya see, oil companies have been making obscene profits for decades. Give a little to the AK’ers? O.K. Problem is, the feds have been hemorrhaging money since the Bush-Wipes took office. The Fed is dirt-poor. Feds got no juice, pachuco. So, where’s the money gonna come from? Nowhere.




Tighty-righty chuckleheads like Gilbert, who hate the federal government unless they want something from it, actually believe Silver Staters are gonna get big bank from the government-cheese. Not. Gonna. Happen. Best case scenario, we get the dump and nothing leaks for a million years. Worst case scenario, some BSC motherhubbard grabs hold of Pelham 123 on the way to Yucca and blows the bejeezus outta the poor bastards in Iowa or Nebraska or down in the 702. Anyone remember Trashcan Man from the Stand? We do.




Our suggestion? Hey Joey…STFU. Just because you have an (in)famous name doesn’t qualify you to accept Yucca Mountain on our behalf. Besides…Vegas glows nicely on its own.




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Pig Out

Doesn’t it seem that we’re overreacting just a bit to this sick pig business? C’mon guys, let’s get realistic here. More than 20,000 Americans die every year from the friggin’ regular flu but you don’t see Homeland Security goin all BSC ‘cause o’ that, do ya? Maybe they’ll make one of those color-coded threat charts for cold and flu season. “OMG! Swine flu outbreak! Raise the threat level to periwinkle!”


It’s time to chill the hell out. It seems that the last eight years of Bush-Wipe politics has the whole country scared shitless at the tiniest thing. Do we really need all this gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the anticipation of a pandemic?

One interesting thing to come out of all this…the Muslims sure are happy. Figurin’ this outbreak started in Mexico, the tighty-righties are clamoring for the U.S. to close the border and start deporting Mexicans. It’ll take at least six months before Muslims get back to the top of the haters’shit- list.



BTW…you think WE’RE freakin’ out? The government of Egypt has ordered every pig in the entire country to be killed. 300,000 Egyptian pigs takin' a dirt nap. And they don’t even have one reported case of swine flu. Aye Caramba! We’ll expect the Egyptians to follow suit the next time someone gets bird flu, mad cow disease or chickenpox. But it’ll really get BSC if the motherhubbards do the same thing for their first reported case of Lyme disease.




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No News is Bad News

It’s no secret that the dead tree versions of newspapers are in trouble. Readership has been on the downslide for quite some time. Maybe it’s ‘cause the government-cheese has cut so much from the education budget that there aren’t many folks out there who even know how to read anymore. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



To regain revenue and readership, newspaper editors and publishers are pulling out all the stops. Over the weekend, the RGJ announced two big changes. The first was the return of Corey Farley. If y’all don’t remember Corey Farley, his column was a lot like PTB except he never cursed, he never threatened bodily harm and he never used the word “motherhubbards.” Aside from that…he’s pretty close. Here’s hoping Farley still has his biting commentary. Our thought is that corporate douchebags will keep him watered down so as not to cheese off the few advertisers still spending money on newspapers. Good writing sells newspapers…great writing scares the bejeezus out of advertisers. Only time will tell.



The second new doohickey unveiled at the RGJ is the “Sunday Good News Edition.” To that we said, “Aye Caramba!” The powers that be at the RGJ must’ve figured that a butt-load of feel-good stories would sell product. That may be so but we’re not buying into it. Why? Well, to be honest, misery loves company. Hell, for us here at PTB, misery is less like company and more like family.



With all the crap going on in the world with wars and the economy and terrorists and BSC motherhubbards and myriad other problems, we’d feel disingenuous turning our attention to “softer” stories. Who wants to read about Grandma Myrtle turning 100 years old when the poop is hitting the propeller all around us? Death, destruction and mayhem on a daily basis are stark reminders that there’s a lot of work still to be done. So keep on coming back here to PTB for your daily dose of depressing reality. We’ll keep up the pissin’ and moanin’ and complainin’ and leave the good news to the RGJ. Good luck with that.



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Falling Down the Mind Shaft

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Signs of the Times

There are two definite drawbacks to blogging and living in our 'rent’s basement.


The first is, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to get laid. Think about it. When most women find out where we live, they take off faster than Usain Bolt. Besides, a woman who’d wanna do the horizontal mambo in our parent’s basement probably isn’t the type of girl we’d wanna get down with in the first place. That’s a tough thing to say considering we have pretty low standards.


The second and worst drawback is the money, or lack thereof. Do you know how much scratch the average blogger makes? Bupkis. Here at PTB we’ve long known we’d spend our lives at the bottom of the economic ladder. We’ve even got a saying, “If it’s free it’s for PTB. If it costs money, later honey.” And that’s what has our Underoos in a bunch today.


We all know that Senator McSame is so rich he doesn’t even know how many houses he has. The ‘Bamer? He made four million dollars last year. That’s not chicken feed. So why is it that both candidates now charge money for yard signs? SHEESH! You’d think the brothers would be able to part with a couple of pieces of cardboard, gratis. After all, the 775 is where the next president will be decided. Nope.


We always thought politicians took your money AFTER they got elected. Not anymore. So now we have to fall back to plan “B.” We’re gonna go swipe a sign from some bourgie motherhubbard’s yard. They can afford it. We can’t.


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