A Turd in the Hawaii Punch Bowl

Nothing was gonna get in my way of watchin’ Nevada play the SMU on Christmas Eve. Not the smell of gingerbread wafting from next door…not the sound of carolers in the front yard…not even the beginning of “A Christmas Story” marathon…nothing was gonna get in the way of this game. So I settled in front of my television with 24 of my closest friends and waited for kickoff. Too bad there wasn’t a power outage or a meteor strike because the ensuing three hours were more painful than any Barry Manilow concert could ever be.

What a fustication. What an embarrassment. 45-10…WTF is up with that? From the start Nevada looked listless. It was a flashback to the old “One Yard and a Cloud of Dust” offense that Chris Ault so readily rolls out at Bowl time. SHEESH!

The game was such a blowout that I started in with drinking games. Nevada three and out? Drink. SMU touchdown? Consumo. Nevada turnover? Pound one. And on…and on…and on. By the time the fourth quarter had started, the beer was all gone and I had to switch to my celebratory, high falutin’ tequila that brother Sal brought back from Mexico. YIKES!

My head was buzzing like a hive of angry bees by the time the game was over. Questions punctuated with alcohol burps. How could this happen? Burp. WTF was the coaching staff thinking? Burp. How can a team not be geared up for a bowl game in friggin’ Hawaii? BURPFFFT. Aye caramba!

The whole thing left me with a headache and a spastic colon for the next few days. But between throbs and burbles, one question kept popping up…WTH do we do now? Two straight years the Wolf Pack has gone to a bowl game only to be beaten like a rented mule. It’s starting to border on the absurd.

Last week the RGJ asked the question: “What would it take for Nevada to be like Boise State in football? My answer…nothing. For the last decade or so, Boise State has been a monster of a program. They play the big boys whenever they can and usually end up beating them. They play in big-time bowl games against top-notch opponents. Nevada? We play schools like Grambling State and the University of Northeastern Canada and we squeak by. Play a big school like Notre dame or Missouri? We get stomped like Michael Flately’s dance floor.

No, Nevada’s glory days are long gone and it doesn’t look like they’re gonna get better anytime soon. But there is good news Wolf Pack fans…if you have the creativity, there is no end to the drinking games you could play while Nevada is on the field. Just be careful. That’s a lot of alcohol for a three hour game. True dat.

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