Stand and Deliver

Sad news from right here in the 775…Jaime Escalante died last night. Now y’all probably don’t know who Kemo was. He didn’t get the pub like those BSC motherhubbards from Michigan…or Karl Rove…or Dancing With the Stars. Kemo was the math teacher that inspired the movie Stand and Deliver. It was his passion…his commitment…his dedication to education that put Garfield High School on the map and gave generations of brown-skinded brothers and sisters the confidence to succeed in a cracker-assed cracker world. Yo Jaime…sleep well my brother. Ya done good.

Remember last April, when Homeland Security released a report sayin’ how BSC militias were popping up all over the place and that we’d better keep a look out for “homegrown terrorists?” Remember what the tighty-righties did? They bitched. They moaned. They complained. They said that there was no such thing as homegrown terrorists and that DHS was overblowing the situation. Well I’ve got news for John Boener, Eric Cantor, John McCain, Caribou Barbie and the rest of you right-wing nut cases…I WANT AN APOLOGY! Anyone telling you that the republican party is concerned about the safety of America and her citizens is LYING!

One last thing to you militia freaks. Ya know guys…I don’t hide the fact that I hated Chimp Dick, Dr. Evil and the rest of those un-American assholes that royally fucked up the country, broke the military and ruined the economy. Never once did I hide my disdain for those chucklenuts. But the worst I ever did was threaten to break my foot off in their collective John Brown hind pots. You rat-bastards were plotting to kill police officers, innocent American civilians and anyone else that didn’t fit with your world view! Well guess what? Y’all are neither Christian nor American. An American who doesn’t like the system tries to change it at the ballot box or through civic responsibility. A Christian would love his neighbor as he loves himself. A Christian would turn the other cheek and follow the teachings of the Prince of Peace. Like I said…y’all aren’t Christian or American. It’s fuck-tards like you that has JZeus spinning in His grave. Better bundle up good…I hear-tell Hell is a cold place and you’ll all be there soon.

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Meanderthal

She’s 47 million years old and her name is Ida. No, she’s not John McCain’s sister, she’s the missing link. An appropriate time for a haiku, neh?

Evolution? Yes.
"Believers" can now believe.
Thank God for science.



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Branded

We just found out the City of Sparks gave more than a hundred G’s to a Seattle company to create a “brand identity” for the city. Our question to the powers-that-be in the Rail City: WTF? They don’t have marketing consultants here in the 775? Typical lack of respect for local talent by political douchebags who just don’t get it. Anyway…we did a little research and found a couple of slogans that didn't make the cut:



Sparks. Come for the railroad, stay for the hobos.


Sparks. It could be worse.


Sparks. Like it or lump it.


Sparks. Not just for meth labs anymore.


Sparks. Harassing minorities since 1904.


Sparks. We have to love it. We live here.


Sparks. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Gays!


Sparks. If you’ve been here, you know.


Sparks. Live it. Love it. Now get the hell out!


Sparks. Don’t blame us, we voted for John McCain.





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We sure would like religion a lot more if the people who practiced it…practiced what they preached. Not. Gonna. Happen.




The other day a Catholic priest in South Carolina told his parishioners that he wouldn’t give them holy communion if they voted for the Barack Obama. That’s cause he says Barry-O is the most radical, pro-abortion politician in Washington. So, a vote for the ‘Bamer is a vote for killing unborn chillens. Here’s what we don’t get: Since a vote for Obama is a vote for killing people not born yet, isn’t a vote for McCain, who supports the Iraq war, a vote for killing people already born? SHEESH! Typical religions…they only care about you before you’re born and after you die. In between…you’re on your own.




Lastly, the video from above. Seems the Greek and Armenian Orthodox churches have a lot more in common than crappy music, really gay lookin’ outfits and porn-quality facial hair. They friggin’ HATE each other. So much so, that this kinda thing happens all the time. One group takes too much time dinkin’ around in Jzeus’ birthplace. Next thing you know…POW! The place starts lookin' like a Snoop Dogg concert. You see, the SoG preached something to the effect of “Love thy neighbor.” “Turn the other cheek.” And “Whatever you do to the least of my people you do unto me.” These douchebags didn’t hear a word of it. Jzeus must be spinning in His grave!




(8.-)

Monday Moaning Comin' Down

You’ve gotta kinda feel sorry for Senator John McCain. After all, with Colin Powell endorsing the ‘Bamer this weekend, was like your parents sitting you down and telling you they’ve always liked your younger sibling better. YIKES!



C’mon…ask yourself. We’re you really that surprised to hear that Marcia Brady was all into the cocaine and sex thing back in the ‘70’s? We didn’t think so. Put it to you this way…if you were a child actor in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s and you DIDN’T fill up your holes with coke and the nasty…THAT would have been a shocker.



While we’re on the subject of sex…there’s a new movie coming out called Zack and Miri Make a Porno. The previews looked funny enough but the tighty-righties in the conservative media think that the term “Make a Porno” is obscene. So what happened? The filmmakers took the term off all their advertisements. WTF? Anyone thinking kids don’t know what a porno is, just isn’t paying attention. We think its parents who don’t want to talk to their kids about sex. After all, inserting tab “A” into slot “B” isn’t anyone’s business but the Republican party’s.



Finally today…it warmed our proverbial cockles seeing such a large turnout for early voting here in the 775. Nothing smells like democracy more than a voting booth. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. The Government-Cheese should expand voting to the whole month of November. That would give everyone a chance to vote. If not the whole month…at least a voting holiday. People sure would pay more attention to it than say…President’s Day.




(8.-)

Hump Day...Already?

Looks like the little scamp that hacked VPILF Sarah Palin’s e-mail is gonna get hisself a new room at the Gray Bar Motel. Funny, the VPILF’s hacker gets indicted within two weeks of his crime and we’ve got thousands of “Enemy Combatants” in Gitmo…many who’ve been there for five or more years…and only one – ONE has been charged with a crime. Land of the Free? Nope.





Governor Jim Gibbons is back in the news. Well, at least he’s somewhere. The evil, American-hating media elitists down at the Las Vegas Sun found out GJG spent just 12 days in his office in the months of August and September. Looks like Gibby learned his work habits from Chimp-Dick. We wax poetic in haiku:


Governor Gibbons…
we elected your dumb ass
to get some work done!


Out of the office?
Important things somewhere else?
Soon you will be gone.


A Public Servant
should fuckin’ serve the public
not your large ego.





One last quickie on last night’s Presidential debate. Remember how we were suggesting drinking games? Bad. Idea. Last night the PTB’ers gathered ‘round the tube with mucho nachos and myriad shots of Tequila. The game? Take a shot every time Old Senator Dust Bucket used the term “My friends” and every time the ‘Bamer said, “Understand.” YIKES! We’re gonna have to apologize to mom & dad for what ensued. Technicolor Yawn anyone? Yup. Porcelain God Worship? You betcha! Icky! This morning when we headed out, there were people still passed out in the driveway. The smart money says they’ll still be there tonight. Can’t wait for Word War III.



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Word War II

It’s gonna be a great day here at PTB. We treasure these political debates like they were the Super Bowl. Ah, the life of civics geeks. ANYWAY…we know that not all y’all are as pumped for Word War II as we are so we’ll let you in on a game we used to (and sometimes still do) play.


Before the debate, get together a bunch of points about the candidates that you can bet on like:


Who will mention 9-11 first?

Who will mention “main Street” first?

What color tie will the ‘Bamer wear?

What color tie will John McCain wear?

How many times will John McCain wink at the crowd?


See? It’s that easy. Get your friends together, make your bets and let the game begin!



During the debate, every time a candidate uses the words…

Bailout
Economy
Terrorism
9/11
Raise Taxes
Corporate Welfare
Surrender

…or a host of other words, you just know they’re gonna use, everyone in the room has to take a drink of their preferred beverage. Simple. Know anyone who doesn't drink? N/P. Just substitute the words above with…

Iraqi Government
Dead American Soldiers
My Washington Experience
Afghan Civilian Deaths
George W. Bush


…more than likely the above terms won’t be used at all. That’ll spare your teetotaler friend the hassle of getting blasted.




So you see, you can have a fun time at tonight’s debate even if you don’t give a fat-rat’s-ass who wins or loses. As for us…we’re frothing at the bit just waiting for kickoff!


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Dressing Down

Damn, Reg Dunlop died over the weekend. Best hockey coach we ever saw. Problem is, Mom got creeped out and made us go to the pantry and throw away all of our salad dressing and spaghetti sauce. She was worried they’d all start to smell like John McCain’s house and we’d get gobknobbled by cadaver dogs. UGH!


Same thing happened in '95 When Orville Redenbacher took the ole “dirt nap.” We haven’t had popcorn since.


We can only hope that Mrs. Butterworth keeps her cholesterol problem in check, Aunt Jemima loses some of those extra pounds and Uncle Ben continues his healthy ways. If not, mealtime in the future will be quite lonely.


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Let's Get It On

Well folks...here it comes. We've been waitin' for this bad boy for a long time. This is gonna be bigger than Hagler/Hearns. This is gonna be bigger than Yankees/Dodgers. Hell, this'll be bigger and better than Enterprise versus the Borg. So, sit back, relax and enjoy. We will.


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Let Them Play

Is John McCain full of shit, or what? This is what he said today in regard to the economic clusterfuck:

"It is difficult to act both quickly and wisely, but that is what is required of us right now. Time is short, and doing nothing is not an option."


Umm…actually, doing nothing IS an option…just not one that Uncle Fester and the ‘Bamer are gonna take. BTW, you know where you hear terms like “Act Now!” and “Time is Running Out!”? Used car lots and screaming car commercials. Heck, We half expect Senator McSame to hit the podium next time wearing a green suit with dollar signs all over it.


Look JMac…there’s nothing you can do in the next week that you wouldn’t have been able to do in the last 25 years of your political career. Do us all a favor…show up and take your ass-whoopin’ like a man. We’ll dally it in haiku:

To debate or not
Is John McCain pussin’ out?
That is the question


Economy’s bad!
Did you just figure that out?
What took you so long?



It’s debate time dude!
Words will come back to bite you.
Bamer’s smoove. You’re toast.


Don’t worry Grandpa
It will all be over soon
Can you say landslide?

MeTarded

Me-Tard (adj) Someone who is so self-centered as to seem dumb to "normal" people.




If you’re gonna vote for John McCain just’cause his running mate is a smokin’ hot VPILF…you might be a MeTard.


If you wag your morally righteous finger in our face and warn us about eternal damnation then turn around and let your teenage daughter get knocked up…you might be a MeTard.


If you think that a storm hitting the Gulf Coast is God’s way of punishing the gays…you might be a MeTard.


If you think anyone in the USo’A beside the Bush-Wipes gives one shizzle about the Russia/Georgia conflict…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the Invisible Man in the Sky cares about who wins the Super Bowl, the Presidential election or the war in Iraq…you might be a MeTard.


If you think teen pregnancy, gay sex or burning the American flag is immoral…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the media is liberal but don’t realize that images of flag-draped coffins are totally absent from the nightly news…you might be a MeTard.


And finally…


If you believe one campaign promise from one candidate will be kept…you’re not only a MeTard…you might wanna check the note pinned to your shirt. That’ll tell you who you are, where you need to go and who’s gonna claim you.


(8.-)

Shoot Me Once...Shoot Me Twice...

We had a hoot last night watching the Republican National Convention. Does anyone else think Joe Lieberman sounds like Bad Luck Schleprock from the Bam Bam & Pebbles Show? “Wowzie wowzie woo woo.” Simply hilarious.


The combination of Flip-Flop Joe and the Smirking Chimp was a perfect example of how not to give a speech. But Fred Thompson pulled that Buick out of the mud. He got up and drawled about Senator John McCain’s life…did a pretty good job too. But Hollywood Elite boy turned good ole’ boy said something that got us thinkin’…


John McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students. Pretty weak, even by Republican standards. But what got our attention was the fact that Senator McSame was on the USS Forrestal when it caught fire. Ya see, some dumbass accidentally shot a missile while on the flight deck and blew the dog snot outta 295 crewmen, killing 134.


The crux of this biscuit is simple…


John McCain got shot down over Hanoi. John McCain got shot down on his own aircraft carrier. If John McCain becomes President…how long before he gets shot down in Air Force One? Just asking.



(8.-)

Labor Day Liturgy

We could see it if John McCain would’ve picked With Romney or Rudi-In-The-Booty as his VP. But by picking Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, one smokin’ hot “VPILF”, it seems like the GOP is giving up on the November elections. If the tighty-righties wanted a grrl for the number two spot, they’d have been better off pickin’ Condi. BTW…has there ever been more rocket hot women in politics than right now? We think not.

According to a report from the Rand Corporation, “Current U.S. strategy against the terrorist group al Qaida has not been successful in significantly undermining the group's capabilities. Al Qaida has been involved in more terrorist attacks since Sept. 11, 2001, than it was during its prior history and the group's attacks since then have spanned an increasingly broader range of targets in Europe, Asia, the Middle East and Africa.” Here at PTB, we’ve been sayin’ that exact same thing for more than a half a decade. Regular readers can now, officially, look down their noses at the unwashed masses.

So, Sparks Middle School has gone Borg. Funny...while we’re big fans of the schoolgirl look here at PTB, we’ve gotta ask: “Isn’t that the very same thing those Godless Commie rat-bastard North Koreans do to their kids? Yup.

Last week, Reno-911 busted some poor Rasta for drugs while he was on his way to Burning Man. They can't catch the murders or the arsonists or the robbers out there on the loose but they spend their time and effort and our money bustin' Bob Marley wannabes for weed. Way to protect and serve.

Well…it’s Labor Day weekend and y’all know what that means. No, we’re not talkin’ ‘bout a three day weekend. Heck, we live in the 775. Most of the folks up here got jobs that don’t give a schizzle what day it is. No, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Jerry Lewis labor Day MDA Telethon.

FULL DISCLOSURE: This year’ll be the 12^th Telethon we’ve been involved with.

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…The “greatest country on earth” can spend ten BILLION dollars a month blowin’ up brown-skinded innocent folk. Yet, to cure this heinous disease that affects millions of Americans, the good ole USoA relies on France’s favorite comedian to raise money. That just doesn’t seem right.

(8.-0)

Signs of the Times

There are two definite drawbacks to blogging and living in our 'rent’s basement.


The first is, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to get laid. Think about it. When most women find out where we live, they take off faster than Usain Bolt. Besides, a woman who’d wanna do the horizontal mambo in our parent’s basement probably isn’t the type of girl we’d wanna get down with in the first place. That’s a tough thing to say considering we have pretty low standards.


The second and worst drawback is the money, or lack thereof. Do you know how much scratch the average blogger makes? Bupkis. Here at PTB we’ve long known we’d spend our lives at the bottom of the economic ladder. We’ve even got a saying, “If it’s free it’s for PTB. If it costs money, later honey.” And that’s what has our Underoos in a bunch today.


We all know that Senator McSame is so rich he doesn’t even know how many houses he has. The ‘Bamer? He made four million dollars last year. That’s not chicken feed. So why is it that both candidates now charge money for yard signs? SHEESH! You’d think the brothers would be able to part with a couple of pieces of cardboard, gratis. After all, the 775 is where the next president will be decided. Nope.


We always thought politicians took your money AFTER they got elected. Not anymore. So now we have to fall back to plan “B.” We’re gonna go swipe a sign from some bourgie motherhubbard’s yard. They can afford it. We can’t.


(8.-)

August Surprise

We get the feelin’ ‘round here that the worm is starting to turn. Check it out…


Today Rice-A-Condi and Iraqi officials started to discuss a timeline for U.S. Troop withdrawls. YAY!


Gas and oil prices are dropping faster than the anchor of the Titanic. Woo-Hoo!


Housing prices are rising and home foreclosures are falling. Yee-HAW!


Hmmm…October surprises aren’t supposed to happen this far away from an election so we got to thinkin’.


Russia invades Georgia and all of a sudden the Cold War heats back up quicker than old pizza in a microwave. Boogity Boogity!


Not once in the last week has Senator McSkeevy mentioned Afghanistan or Iraq. Uh oh.


The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…How come things are getting good right before the election? How come Russia decided to be a bad guy allegedly right before the election? We’re not conspiracy theorists here at PTB but we wouldn’t put anything past the Neocon Bush-Wipes. Fasten your seatbelts folks…this could be a bumpy ride.


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Georgia on My Mind

Turns out the Big Bad Bear isn’t dead after all. Russia is puttin’ a beatdown on their little runaway -- Georgia. Most Americans hear that sorta news and wonder how that’ll affect the upcoming SEC football season. That’s the wrong Georgia guys. ANYWAY…



So the Russians are kickin’ a little ass and the tighty-righties have their knickers all in a bunch. pResident Bush says that Russia is using unacceptably harsh force in the situation. Funny, we said the same thing to the Bush-Wipe about Iraq and we were called traitors. But what lame duck chimp-dick says really doesn’t affect anyone anymore. What we’re worried about is skeevy John McSame.



Yup…old Uncle Fester is saber rattling. He yaps that Georgia is one of our BFF’s and that we’ll stick our wieners in the blender to help ‘em out. No mention of how broken our armed forces are ‘cause of Iraq and Afghanistan. Nope…just threats of violence. Here’s the crux of our biscuit today:



Does anyone wonder why Senator McLame is so hell-bent on stickin’ it to the Russkies? We don’t wonder ‘cause we know. Ever heard of Randy Scheunemann? We have. Ya see, Scheunemann is one of those neocons who’s job was to get us into a war with Iraq. Good work Randy. For almost four years, Schheunemann was the only Washington lobbyist working for the country of Georgia. Today Scheunemann is a senior foreign affairs advisor to…you guessed it…Senator John McCain. If that isn’t the stinkiest, steaming piece of horse-cadoodle…we don't know what is. You wonder why we hate politicians? Perfect. Example.


(8.-)

Viva La Paris

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Eight Long Years

Hearing these numbers made us want to hurl. Hope they don't have the same effect on you.

- Eight years ago a gallon of gas cost $1.47.

- Now a gallon of gas costs $3.99.

- Eight years ago Exxon-Mobile posted earnings of 4.15 billion dollars.

- Last week Exxon-Mobile posted earnings of 11.68 billion dollars.

Anyone telling you that we're all better off now than we were eight years ago is either lying, deluded, a John McCain supporter or all three.

(8.-)

A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Sandwich

Creepy John McSame is in the 775 today. He’s trying to drum up votes here in the Silver State and that got us thinking…

Everyone knows Captain Mac was a pilot in the ‘Nam and got his multi-million dollar plane popped by a couple of rice farmers with a blowgun. Question: Does getting your ass shot down make you a hero or a shitty pilot?

The reason we ask, is that many in the right-wing corporate media (and even the senator himself) say that having been a fighter pilot makes McLame uniquely qualified to be our next president. We disagree. Why?

A couple of years ago the NV voted a former fighter pilot into the job of governor. Today the state is goin’ to purgatory in a purse, we’ve got no money and we’re cutting programs and services like it was a fire sale. Leadership? Non-existant.

So, it’s our conclusion that being a fighter pilot doesn’t automatically make you a good leader. Being a fighter pilot who got shot down makes you...well...an easy target. Our only consolation is that Uncle Fester is probably gonna name Skeevy Mr. Perfect Hair as his running mate. And we all remember what happened to Captain Mac’s last wingman!

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A Bad Day to Give Up Smoking

Man, there’s so much smoke in the air here in the 775 it looks like a Grateful Dead concert and smells like wet dog. UGH!. But it’s all Cali’s fault.

Ya see, the G-Man is punishing Cali with fire and brimstone ‘cause they let Mr. Sulu walk down the aisle with his man. So, the Golden State is smoldering like a marshmallow in a campfire and we here in the 775 get all the residual crap. Great. WTF did we do to derserve this? Oh yeah. All that drinkin', gamblin' and whorin' stuff.


No worries though. We’ll get back in the good graces of the Invisible man in the Sky soon enough. Ya see, we know that Jzeus’s papa loves him the tighty-righties. That means as soon as President McSame takes office, we’ll be off the hook.



But we’re gonna put a positive spin on things. We’re gonna head out to the park for a little jog. That way we can close our eyes, take a deep breath and pretend we’re Olympic athletes competing in Beijing.

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