We'll admit it...we're civics geeks. While all the other kids were out riding their
Big Wheels or stuck like Velcro to the couch, watching reruns of
Gilligan’s Island…we were in our bedroom hand-painting
Ross Perot campaign signs. So, tomorrow is the Nevada caucus and we're stoked! That being said…here is our short take on the relevant candidates. One quick note…ANYONE will be better than
WPE.
Hillary Clinton –
Who’ll SHE bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? America’s version of
Maggie Thatcher. If she were a man, they’d call her tough. She’s a woman so they call her a bitch. No double standard there.
John Edwards – Corporate lawyer sleezeball turned anti-corporate zealot – EazyE sleeps with the fishes…or the dogs. Could win due to his
metrosexuality and his smooth southern twang. Americans vote with their little heads…not their big ones.
Barack Obama – If he doesn’t get
BobbyK’d, he’ll certainly get an
Oswald. But there’s nothing that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment more than a
brown-skinded brother. The change candidate is gonna get short-changed ‘cause there’s no way the
racists and the war-mongers and conformists are gonna let a brother win.
Mitt Romney –
He’s a second generation politician – smoother than a baby’s bottom. But
swift-boating a Mormon is easier than poppin’ an
under-funded infidel with an
IED. Looks a lot like a skeevy
Ted Danson.
Mike Huckabee – By declaring that the
Constitution should be remade in the image of God and that Evolution is a “theory”…he needs a good nail gun accident. He forgets that the
Invisible Man Up In The Sky only cares about
athletes,
actors and “
Tel-evan-fraud-ulists.”
John McCain – War. What is it good for? You can take the
dog out of the fight but you can’t take the fight out of the dog and this dog is just itchin’ for a fight. “
Iran called us what?” If you have stock in
Halliburton, Blackwater, Boeing or the guys that are building the immigration wall…he’s your man.
Fred Thompson – The last
bad actor to run for president ran against
Peanut Head, gave us the
Iran/Contra scandal and
trickle-down economics. What is it that makes people think a B-list actor is qualified to be the leader of the free world?
Rudi Giuliani –
screwed up 9/11…Now he wants to screw things up nationally. He was in charge of the NY during “
Broom Handle In The Butt-Gate”. More spouses than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Rudy makes
Slick Willie look like a
Shaolin Monk.
Ron Paul – This is the one
cracker that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment. He’s the shiny pink version of Obama. But his views on drugs are closer to
Rastafarian than republican. Not. A. Chance. In.
Hell.
(8.-)
Even though he looks like he gets residuals from “Cheers”…we knew “With” Romney would spanka-spanka in the 775’s Republican caucus. Hell, the Silver State is home to more LDS’ers than any other state in the union ‘ceptin’ the Beehive State.
