Don't Fear the Queer

Well, it’s been more than a week since Iowans decided that gay marriage was legal and in seven short days, GLBT peoples will be allowed to get hitched. So, we’ve got a question for the Westboro Baptist Church:



Hey, guys…WTF happened to Jzeus’ Dad? If you don’t know who the WBC is, they’re the BSC motherhubbards that swear on their bibles that “God Hates Fags.” Seriously, that’s what they believe. But words ring hollow peoples. We wanna see some action. Now, the WBCers are probably out and about, protesting at some poor bastard’s funeral but y’all had better light a fire underneath the Big Guy. The longer the Invisible Man in the Sky waits to punish Iowa (and Iowans) the less likely anyone is to believe in what the WBC is sayin’.



Look, we’re not askin’ for much. A plague would be pretty cool. Pestilence? We can dig that too. Or maybe a famine. That’d hit those gay-lovin’ Iowans right below their corn belts. That’s the kind of Godly retribution the WBC predicts and that’s the kind of fire and brimstone we’re lookin’ for. After all, it’s only Iowa.



So whadda you waitin’ for WBCers? Get on the horn to Burning Bush Man and tell him to get busy on this one. It’s not like he anything better to do.



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The Sound of One Hand Clapping

When is a protest not a protest? If Tommie Smith and John Carlos made their protest in the locker room rather than on the medal stand, would it have been the same? If Dr. King gave his “I Have A Dream” speech in front of the bathroom mirror instead of on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, would it have been the same? No and no. Protests are meant to be seen and heard. But not if the Nevada legislature has anything to say about it.





This week, Nevada’s political bobbleheads are considering a bill designed to prevent protestors from disrupting funerals and memorial services. That’s ‘cause folks like the BSC motherhubbards from the Westboro Baptist Church raise a ruckus outside military funerals shouting things like “God loves dead soldiers!” Tasteless as that may be, guess what? Here in the USo’A we’ve got a little thing called the First Amendment. Putting restrictions on protests is a violation of Americans’ rights to freedom of speech and freedom of assembly.



Now, we don’t believe in what the WBC stands for...after all, they’ve got “church” in their name. But here’s the crux of our biscuit…when politicians start preventing “funeral” and “memorial” protests, where will it stop? War protesters? Union picketers? American Idol fans? Political douchebags have no idea what this country stands for. Here in America, we let people speak their minds no matter how ugly the message is. Are you listening fat boy? Knowing people like the WBC, the KKK and other hate groups can spout their rhetoric whenever they want warms our collective heart. Why? ‘Cause when you’re up close and personal with a pile of horseshit, it makes you much more appreciative of the smell of flowers. Smarter brotherhubbards than us have said it before…we don’t agree with what they say but we’ll defend to the death their right to say it.


(8.-)

MeTarded

Me-Tard (adj) Someone who is so self-centered as to seem dumb to "normal" people.




If you’re gonna vote for John McCain just’cause his running mate is a smokin’ hot VPILF…you might be a MeTard.


If you wag your morally righteous finger in our face and warn us about eternal damnation then turn around and let your teenage daughter get knocked up…you might be a MeTard.


If you think that a storm hitting the Gulf Coast is God’s way of punishing the gays…you might be a MeTard.


If you think anyone in the USo’A beside the Bush-Wipes gives one shizzle about the Russia/Georgia conflict…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the Invisible Man in the Sky cares about who wins the Super Bowl, the Presidential election or the war in Iraq…you might be a MeTard.


If you think teen pregnancy, gay sex or burning the American flag is immoral…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the media is liberal but don’t realize that images of flag-draped coffins are totally absent from the nightly news…you might be a MeTard.


And finally…


If you believe one campaign promise from one candidate will be kept…you’re not only a MeTard…you might wanna check the note pinned to your shirt. That’ll tell you who you are, where you need to go and who’s gonna claim you.


(8.-)

Wedding Bell BooFoos

Heard a lady today on the news protesting Californication’s new Gay Marriage Law. She was pretty cheesed-off about it. She said that there have been more earthquakes, more floods and more tornadoes now than ever before ‘cause God is cursing America for letting the queer-folks get hitched. Interesting.

Here at PTB we get a kick out of people who say they have an open line to God’s brain. We call ‘em like we see ‘em…they’re all crackpots. Think about it…the Bible says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible to you. And if you’re on a one-on-one basis with the Big Kahuna…you’ve got yourself some big-time faith. So why do these mustard seed-heads just stop people from being...you know...gay? ‘Cause they’re all full of that malarkey stuff.

We’ve got a couple of questions: If the Invisible Man in the Sky is putting the noonan on the USofA for allowing gay marriage, why isn’t he pissed off about gay sex? What about other countries where gay marriage is allowed? Hear about any earthquakes or tornadoes in The Netherlands lately? No.

The crux of our biscuit is simple…if God thought being gay was such a big deal, he woulda scratched another rule into Moses’ rocks. But he didn’t. If being gay, having gay sex or being married and gay didn’t make the good Lord’s top ten list, it shouldn’t make yours. Tell you what lady…go grab your bible, re-read the Ten Commandments and then turn your anger toward the liars, cheaters and killers out there. then we’ll see how big your mustard seed is.

(8.-)

Do Unto Others...Unless They're the Same Sex

“Radical” Muslim

“Fundamentalist” Christian

“Ultra Orthodox” Jew


We here at PTB think that if you’re any of the above…yer BSC. These type of zealots are stuck in the Dark Ages and when the shit hits the grill they blame the behaviors of their enemies for bringing the wrath of God.


As everyone knows, we here at PTB don’t believe in the “Invisible Man in the Sky”. But it seems the ones who do are phony as “compassionate conservatism”. The latest example:


Six earthquakes have hit Israel since November. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas Party, said yesterday that the tremors had been caused by lawmaking that gave "legitimacy to sodomy".


We like our sodomy here at PTB. Nothin’ like a hummer to get your day started but that’s not the point. The crux of our biscuit is that if God hates fags…why did He/She make ‘em in the first place? Was He/She drunk on the job? Did He/She just phone it in on that day? Is God incompetent or just not paying attention? We say none of the above.


You see, earthquakes are caused by tectonic forces…not supernatural forces. If God quakes gay people & sodomites, how come San Francisco has been quiet for more than a decade and Wells, Nevada rumbled like the belly of a starving fat man just this morning?


Open Note To God…Yo G…there are millions more gays and sodomites in the Bay or NYC than there are in the eastern side of the 775. Hell, if you wanna rumble some gay Silver Staters…shake ‘Vegas baby and leave Wells alone!


Open Note to Shlomo… Yo Shlo…do you know what homosexual position is called a “Shlomo”? Yeah…we thought you did.


(8.-)