Thursday Thought Burbles

Yesterday we popped a cap in another Al Qaeda leader in the Af/Pak war. Question: How many "leaders" does Al Qaeda have? It seems every time we drone someone, we either kill innocent civilians or an Al Qaeda "leader." Dude was probably OBL’s limo driver. Oh wait…we’ve already Gitmo-ed that guy.

Saw skeevy Rep. Eric Cantor on television yesterday…spoutin’ on about how “Obamacare” is gonna ruin the country. Nothing new from that lie-hole. But what got me was that Cantor was wearin’ an orange tie…on ST. PATRICK’S DAY!!! Yo Eric…in my hood, wearin’ orange on St. Patrick’s day will get a cap popped right between your eyes. Better not come Teabagging here in the 775 wearin’ that crap. True dat.

While listening to yesterday’s Nevada v Wichita State men’s basketball game on the radio Ryan Radtke, the play-by-play guy, skidmarked his Underoos when this dunk happened. POSTERIZATION!!! Gotta love those radio announcers. Speaking of Wichita State…y'all know what a "Shocker" is? Do y'all realize what a “SHOCKER” is? Aye caramba!

And finally…in a Rhode Island school, they found an effigy of President Obama hanging in a classroom. Seems peeps were cheesed-off when the ‘Bamer applauded the firing of teachers in the underperforming school. Here’s the crux of the biscuit: President Obama didn't fire those teachers. President Obama didn't make those schools into "failing" schools. President Obama applauded holding teachers accountable. Is that a "hang the guy in effigy" offense? No. And to the teacher that said the effigy was part of a lesson plan, I say to you...no wonder your schools are failing. But don't worry…you can always come on out to the 775. We’ve got room for the likes of you. True story.

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WTgiF

So…the story says Liz Edwards is kickin’ ole Johnny boy to the curb. Thanks Captain Obvious. She shoulda done it a long time ago....or, at least, pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on his dumb ass. Do ya think the soon-to-be ex-Mrs Edwards would be interested in rebound sex? Gotta look her up on Facebook. Yup.

Another story in the news today says that only one penny of every dollar given for Haitian earthquake relief is given to the Haitian government. Good. Those rat-bastards woulda just spent it on themselves. Always have. That’s why Haiti is in the messed up situation it’s in right now (earthquake notwithstanding). But here’s my question: Out of that dollar…thirty three cents goes to the US military. WTF? Don’t we already pay for GI Joe? Fuckin’-A…thirty-three cents goes to our own military and nine cents goes to feed starving Haitians. SNAFU.

The ACORN pimp got busted earlier in the week for tryin’ to Watergate Senator Mary Landrieu’s office. His lawyer says that it was just a prank and he’s just a kid. How come when a right-wing nutcase does something wrong, it’s a “prank” and when some lefty does something wrong it’s a symptom of Obama’s Socialist Regime. Aye caramba!

And finally…today is National Puzzle Day. HUZZAH! So I’m gonna try to solve this puzzle. Yesterday on Faux News, Rudy-In-The-Booty said that the ‘Bamer was a pussy ‘cause he didn’t use the word “war” in the SOTU addy. Problem is, Barry-O used the word “war” at least eight times by my count. The puzzle? WTF is Rudy Guliliani still doin’ on TV and why does Faux News let him spout crap outta his lie-hole? One can only guess.

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Pat That Ass

Poor fuckin’ Haiti. SHEESH. Talk about gettin’ kicked when you’re down. YOW! A couple of things are bothering me about this situation…

Did you know that when you make a Haiti relief donation with your credit card that American Express, Visa and Master card are gonna take three percent right off the top as a “transaction fee?” Aye caramba! A computer makes the money transfer automatically and these ass-wipes charge three percent. They’re gonna make millions off of this natural disaster. Those bourgie rat-bastard moneychangers have a special place in Hell waiting for ‘em. True dat.

Speaking of special places in Hell….Pat Robertson is in the news again. Now y’all might be sayin’ to yourselves, “Pat Robertson isn’t takin’ a dirt nap yet?” Nope. Robertson, yappin’ on his T.V. show, said that Haiti got popped by God because they’d made a deal with the Devil. WTF is up with that?

Question #1: Let’s say Pat Robertson is right (HAW!)…If Haiti made a deal with the Devil, why didn’t Beelzebub hold up His end of the bargain? If Robertson is right (another HAW!) how come the Invisible Man in the Sky didn’t pull a Sodom and Gomorah on ‘em?

And question #2: If Robertson is wrong (yeah…IF)…why aren’t all the REAL Christians in the world calling for his head on a platter? Robertson seems to open his lie-hole every time something bad happens and the only thing that comes out is hateful, bullshit. Hey Christians…your leader is flappin’ his yap again and makin’ y’all look like racist, xenophobic, hate-mongers. Problem is…y’all (or most of y’all, anyway) ARE hate-filled, petty and racist. You’re all just too blind to see it. Now you can imagine why Christians were burned at the stake and fed to the lions…y’all deserve it. Well, at least Pat Robertson does. Jzeus mush be spinning in His grave.

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Nothing Beats a Dick

Every time Dr. Evil opens his lie-hole I wanna puke. Yo Dick...you've done enough already. Thanks a lot. But you've got no more juice pachuco! Take your non-lesbian daughter and crawl back into that black, warmongering, paranoid hole you crawled out of. Americans aren't buying your bullshit anymore. Well...maybe Faux News is...but we're not. True dat.

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H2OBoard Meeting

A while back, disgraced baseball slugger Mark McGwire testified before Congress about his alleged steroid usage. McGwire wussed out by saying he wanted to look forward, not backward. Way to man-up fat boy!

Last week, Dodger owner Frank McCourt was asked whether or not ManRam should be voted on to the MLB All-Star team. McCourt’s reply? He said that we shouldn’t look backward on Manny’s steroid use; we should only look forward to him coming back. Dude must’ve been a great dodgeball player in junior high.

Two excellent examples of not answering the question. And now for the shitty example…

Last week, President Obama was asked why he decided not to release pictures of prisoners, allegedly, being tortured at Guantanamo Bay. His response? You guessed it…the ‘Bamer said that releasing the pictures would be akin to looking backward while he is intent on looking forward.

Now, it’s a perfectly acceptable cop-out for a sports owner or jock-strap to dance around a question like that. But for the man elected to change the way America has been operating for the last eight years, it is an unacceptable answer. Today, Barry-O is flyin’ to the Middle East and he could go a long way in repairing our image abroad if he’d admit that America tortured detainees, if he’d admit that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and Iraq were/are wrong and that we will prosecute war criminals – whoever they are. Problem is, he won’t do it. The tighty-righties would crucify him if he did.

Nope…the guy they call “The Anointed One” is just another political hack, coverin’ his political ass and doin’ whatever he can to stay in political power. Americans voted for Barry-O because they wanted change. All they got was the same old excuses coming out of a different lie-hole. That’s just sad.

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He Doesn't Know Dick

Dr. Evil has been in the news a lot lately. Funny thing coming from the brotherhubbard that had Google Earth blur out his house for eight years. But like it or not, Dick Cheney is flappin’ his lie-hole and the whole world seems to be listening.

Yesterday, the former Veep took to the airwaves to…get this…defend gay marriage. Aye caramba! WTF did that come from? While he does have a gay daughter, Dick and his compatriots in the Bush administration never were the types to embrace those “afflicted with the Gay.” Guess times they are a changin’. But not that much. You see, Cheney had a caveat to his assertion that gay peeps should be allowed to get hitched. He said that marriage is, and always has been a state issue. "And I think that's the way it ought to be handled today, that is, on a state-by-state basis.” And that’s why Dick Cheney, in our humble opinion, is dumber than a sack of doorknobs.

It wasn’t that long ago that blacks couldn’t get married in certain states ‘cause they were considered “property.” An even shorter time ago, blacks and whites were not allowed to get married to each other in certain states because some racist rat-bastards thought it was immoral. Hell, if Alabama, Mississippi and the rest of the redneck, huckleberry states had their way, blacks still wouldn’t be allowed to marry.

No Dick…gay marriage shouldn’t be decided willy-nilly on the whim of some cracker-ass government-cheese dick in a state where the most common kinfolk is “Uncle-Dad.” This is America. We’re not supposed to roll like that. So we’re gonna toss you a soft one. Remember the Declaration of Independence?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

That’s right Dick. Straight from the pen of TJ hisself. ALL men are created equal…that includes the men who like men, women who like women and all the peeps in between who love ‘em both. That's how we roll.

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Good Cop -- Great Cop

Hot diggety damned! Didja hear? PoPo in the Big Apple went and caught themselves four terrorists. They busted the rat-bastards yesterday and today they’ve got ‘em in court. HUZZAH!



NYPD Blue didn’t torture anyone to get information.


They didn’t kill any civilians in the process of the arrest.


They didn’t need Halliburton,
or KBR,
or Blackwater,
or a predator drone,
or fuckin’ Lynndie England to get the bad guys…

Nope. Just good, old-fashioned police work. Just like the cops in Bali...and London...and Madrid.



Now these recent converts to Islam are gonna get their day in court, then soon get plenty of time in the Gray Bar Motel to study the Koran. They’ll need it.



You see, just like Christianity and Judaism, Islam is a religion of peace. And just like Christianity and Judaism, there are BSC motherhubbards spewing hate outta their lie-holes claiming to do it for God, or Yahweh, or Allah, or Jesus. If these chuckle-headed wannabes had actually studied about their newly found religion, they wouldn’t be out tryin’ to blow people up. How do a bunch of bass-ackward, crazy, bald-headed, cracker assed crackers from the 775 know? ‘Cause we can read…



Chapter 3, verse 172, of the Quran: "Of those who answered the call of Allah and the messenger, even after being wounded, those who do right and refrain from wrong have a great reward."



Amen.

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Tortured Logic

Write it in stone…You can’t call yourself a Christian if you believe in torture. Period. In a story out today, evangelicals say they’re fighting their conscience about waterboarding prisoners. I know what you’re saying, “Evangelicals have a conscience?”


The spiel coming out of the lie-holes of right wing nut jobs is that a terrorist could have information of an imminent attack on America. They figure, if that’s the case, then torture the bastard to get the pertinent information. It’s called the “Jack Bauer-24” scenario. We have just one tiny problem with that…



FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch “24” on FOX, we here at PTB make one million dollars!



The problem is that “24” is a goddamned television show! It has as much to do with real-life terrorism and interrogation as Reno-911 has to do with the Reno Police Department. Wait, bad example. Put it to you this way: fictionalized scenarios for television dramas have little or nothing to do with how those things would turn out in real life. It’s fiction. But the tighty-righties would have you believe that some fake-assed T.V. show is the real deal. Poppycock.



Fact: Torture doesn’t work.

Fact: Torture is a crime.

Fact: Americans torturing Muslims is a recruitment tool for al Qaeda.



So, if you consider yourself a Christian, you can't condone torture – you must condemn torture. Remember, you were taught to “turn the other cheek.” ‘Cause I’m pretty sure when JZeus said, “My cup runneth over.” He wasn’t talking about waterboarding.



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Chain Letter

We get e-mails like this on a consistent basis. Today, a reply. The original letter is in bold white type. The red type is all PTB.

The author, Lou Pritchett is a well-known public speaker who retired after a successful 36-year career as the VP World Sales for Proctor and Gamble.



AN OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA
Dear President Obama: Well, at least he got the intro right.

You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, you truly scare me. This is what I call the “pussification of America.” C’mon, chickenshit…Obama is scarier than the Bush-Wipe?

You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you. Obviously, this douchebag doesn’t get cable T.V., or magazine subscriptions, or read the newspaper, or how to work the Google machine. Know nothing is right.

You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support. It’s called a student loan. It’s called a scholarship. And since he was a practicing attorney when he got out of law school…that should give you a clue as to where he got his money. Unlike George W. Bush who got his Ivy League education and all his money from his daddy!

You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American. WTF does that mean? America is the melting pot of ALL cultures. That’s what makes this country great! Who cares where he spent his “formative years?”

You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll. George Bush ran the Texas Rangers baseball club, with an unlimited payroll and managed no better than fourth place. EVER! Yup, that dude was a real winner. BTW…Reagan, Eisenhower and Kennedy didn’t run companies before they were elected President either.

You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don't understand it at its core. Three words regarding Obama’s lack of military service – George Fucking Bush. And don’t tell me playing hooky with the Texas National Guard is “military service.” Besides, look what the right-wing nut jobs did to John Kerry for serving in the military. BTW…Dr. Evil (aka Dick Cheney) took more than thirteen deferments to get out of serving his country. Pussy.

You scare me because you lack humility and 'class', always blaming others. Humility? Ummm…when the ‘Bamer went to Europe and apologized for the Bush years, y’all crucified him for being humble. Now you want humility? SHEESH! As far as class…c’mon…did you see Bush manhandle Angela Merkel at the ’07 G8? That Texas huckleberry is a walking faux pas. As far as blaming others…has ANYONE in the Bush administration taken responsibility for 9/11? Iraq? Afghanistan? The economy? Nope.

You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail. Reverend Wright was just saying what a lot of other people are thinking. You want radical extremists? Governor Bobby Jindal performed a fucking EXORCISM on a girl when he was in college. Sarah Palin’s preacher man believes in witches and ghosts. Talk about radicals…YIKES!

You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the 'blame America' crowd and deliver this message abroad. You could construe that as humility…we went over that a couple of lines ago.

You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector. The government dominates the military, the police, who I can fuck, who I can marry, what I can smoke or snort. We’ve been living in a socialist nation for a long time now…y’all just don’t see it.

You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government-controlled one. America is the only industrialized nation in the world without universal healthcare. Does the system we have now work? $50 for an aspirin should give you the answer.

You scare me because you prefer 'wind mills' to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves. Oil, coal and shale mess up the environment. They are high-pollution emitters. This troglodyte puts quotes around “windmills” like wind power, or solar power are stupid.

You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of living in the world. Highest standard in the world? Hardly. Been to the Lower Ninth Ward in the N.O. lately? How 'bout oakland? Detroit? American capitalists are the ones who got us into this mess. The banks, the oil companies…look at all the war profiteering going on in Iraq and Afghanistan…yeah right…American capitalists…model citizens. Just take a look at Bernie Madoff if you want a clear picture of an American capitalist. Loser.

You scare me because you have begun to use 'extortion' tactics against certain banks and corporations. Fuck extorting them…let ‘em fail. But don’t forget Chimp-Dick giving $800 BILLION, no strings attached, no oversight money to the banks. The rich helping their rich friends. BTW…after seeing some of those AIG parties, the motherfuckers don’t need extortion…they need jail time!

You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals. Here we go again…the federal government grew bigger under George W. Bush and the republican revolutionaries in the House and Senate than at any other time in history. Bush came in with a surplus…he left with the biggest deficit ever. Was this chucklehead ever “scared” of George Bush? Nope…but he shoulda been.

You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from intelligent people. The tighty-righties believe in intelligent design, they’re against stem cell research and believe in an Invisible Man in the Sky. They think tax cuts for the rich are the answer to all of life’s problems. Intelligence is not their strong suit.

You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient. When did he tell you that? How do you know? This motherfucker is baggin’ on the ‘Bamer for being cocky? Arrogant? WTF? Doesn’t he remember, “Mission Accomplished” and “You’re either with us, or against us?” Talk about a pompous ass. BTW…Bush says history will prove him a great president. Not. Gonna. Happen.

You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do. For the last month left wing, radical media outlets like MSNBC and CNN have badgered Obama over the fact he isn’t gonna prosecute those who sullied our international reputation by allowing torture. Just last night Obama was on Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Person in the World” list. Free Pass? The media was lickin’ Bush’s nut sack after 9/11 and didn’t start in on him ‘til 2007. Speaking of the media givin’ Barry-O a free ride, turn on Faux News Channel for ten minutes. You’ll see what I mean.


You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaughs, Hannitys, O'Reillys and Becks who offer opposing, conservative points of view. How does he want to do that? Obama famously said he wanted to reach across the aisle to work with republicans. So far, not one republican has voted for one Obama idea. The party of hate. The party of fear. The party of no. Obama doesn’t demonize those slathering lie-holes…I do. BTW…if the conservative viewpoint is “I hope the President fails,” then conservatives are all traitors.
You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing. Who controlled media access to returning dead soldiers? Who spied on INNOCENT Americans without warrants? Who kidnapped people off the streets and sent them to countries for torture? C’mon…you know it was George Bush.

Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years. Lou…I’m gonna be blunt here…you’re a fuckin’ moron. You’re a hate-mongering, gay bashing, fascist, without a new idea in your entire brainpan. There is one area of this letter where I agree with you – you are scared…and you should be.


Your time is over. Y’all had your chance and you drove the country into the shit-storm from hell. It’s gonna take a lot of time and effort to get us outta the mess that George W. Bush and his cronies got us into and I’m proud that President Barack Hussein Obama is the one trying to lead us out of it. The Invisible Man in the Sky surely knows we need the help.

Lou Pritchett
pj Connolly

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