The Friend of My Enemy

Daimler-Benz built Nazi tanks to kill Americans...but the Germans are our friends now, so it’s O.K. to drive a Benzo.

Mitsubishi built Japanese Zeros to kill Americans... but the Japanese are our friends now, so it’s O.K. to drive a Montero.

Fiat made airplanes for Mussolini so his troops could kill Americans… the Italians are our friends now, so it’s O.K. to drive one of those little foreign penis extensions.

See a trend?

Thousands of my brothers and sisters died fighting communist China in the Korean War and Vietnamese communists in the Vietnam War. Today China and Vietnam are our friends. Why? They’re still communists, right? They are our “friends” because they let American companies do business in their countries. Seems communism is good, as long as they let American capitalists make money in their country. Seems we’ll fight anyone for the right to exploit their resources. Don’t let us in and you’re on the shit list...I’m talkin’ to you Cuba!

Why do you think the U.S. puts up with BSC motherhubbards like Saudi Arabia, Israel and Pakistan? Because they let our corporations make money off of them. Americans haven’t fought a war for the right reasons since WWII. Since then, all the fighting has been for the wrong reasons. Gives me hope, though. If the Taliban would just let McDonalds or WalMart or BofA do business with ‘em, we’d be their BFF’s. Time will tell.

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Breakup Wakeup

Poor “Air” McNair. Remember back in the day when a woman would break up with you by mailing you a Dear John letter? Aye caramba! Nowadays, when people break up, they’ve gotta cap a couple of nine milli rounds into your dumb ass. Couldn't she at least have broken up with him on her Facebook page? BTW…wasn’t McNair married? Question #1: Was Steve McNair contemplating running for a Republican Senate or Governor’s seat? Question #2: Is there one friggin’ monogamous husband in the whole country? SHEESH! Seems everyone is tappin’ asses not belonging to their significant others. Makes you wonder why people defend marriage so vehemently.



The Taliban in Afghanistan has kidnapped an American soldier. Just what we fuckin’ need. A couple of comments: Why isn’t this front page news? Why isn’t this the lead story for every T.V. and radio newscast in the country? Why haven’t we heard from one politician voicing outrage? And now that the world knows America tortures prisoners, do we have any moral high ground to complain when they torture our brother? No. Hey Chimp-Dick…still glad you suspended habeas corpus, opened Gitmo and H2OBoarded detainees? Right…you WOULD. As for us…we’re gonna actually pray for the kidnapped American brotherhubbard…he’s gonna need it.


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Here at PTB we love us some NBA All-Star weekend. No other sport compares. MLB has juiced-up ‘roid-ragers hitting candy-assed fastballs into Bolivia. Weak. The NFL barely shows up to play the week after the Super Bowl. Lame. The NHL’s all-star game? Fuggeddaboudit. No, we’ll take the NBA with its slam dunk contest and the three point shoot-out over that other crap any day. And this weekend is gonna be even more special. For the first time in NBA all-star history, they’re gonna have a game of H-O-R-S-E. YEE HAW!!!




As you probably already knew, H-O-R-S-E was invented by the Greeks as a way to end the siege of Troy back during the Trojan War. The Greeks got the victory when Ajax the Lesser sank a half-court hook shot and the Trojans couldn’t respond. Too bad all wars couldn’t be decided by a game of H-O-R-S-E. Hell, if that were the case, America would regain her place as the greatest country in the world. How? Barry's got game. He’d take out a can of whoopass on Kim Jong Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Fidel Castro. The 'Bamer is a flat-out baller. Besides, do you know how hard it is to shoot hoops dressed like a Taliban or al Qaeda? The friggin’ robes get in the way of everything. Besides, have you ever tried shooting a basketball while holding an AK-47? Not easy.




ANYWAY…we might not settle the world’s problems with a game of H-O-R-S-E (unless it's the 1977-1978 version)…but it sure beats the way we do things now. Hope y’all have a great weekend…we’ll be watchin’ hoops.




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Thought Burbles

Luther Mack has always been one of our favorite people. After all, he’s one of the few brown-skinded brothers who own businesses here in Cracker City. So when we heard that Mack and Associates is gonna sell their 11 McDonalds here in the 775, it was like finding a turd in the punch bowl. Total. Bummer. Godspeed Luther. Don't let the rednecks get you down!



The Government-Cheese over in Virginia City is worried about a proposed wind farm. In typical NIMBY fashion, Storey County Planning Commissioners said that the turbines would detract from V.C.’s charm and historic nature. Funny, this is the same place that brings tourists in with its world famous outhouse races. Hmmm…they race toilets down main street but they think a wind farm might be inappropriate. NIMBY indeed.



Much ado is being made of the swearing in ceremony at yesterday’s inauguration. Seems Chief Justice Roberts couldn’t quite remember the words. What struck home for us though was the last three words uttered by J-Rob and the ‘Bamer…”so help me God.” We looked up the oath in a little thing we like to call “THE United States Constitution” and the words “so help me God” are nowhere to be found. They just tacked that shit on to the end. You know…if JZeus’ Dad gave a rat’s ass about the USo’A, he would have done something about the smarmy chimp-dick that was in power for the last eight years. Alas, His silence was deafening.



The Taliban shows us again why the world thinks they’re BSC. Militants in western Pakistan are warning bus drivers to not play music or videos for passengers ‘cause it spreads “vulgarity and obscenity.” To paraphrase Xander Cage, “C’mon Dicks, it’s only music.” Actually, if the music was Britney Spears or the movies starred Madonna or Ben Affleck, we could see their point.



And finally today…up at THE University of Nevada, the school paper ran an editorial demanding the impeachment of Governor Jim Gibbons. Hey, we thought that was our job! Kudos to the staffers at the Sagebrush for separating the taint from the balls but take our words of wisdom…you’ve got to take a powerful piss to piss off powerful people so watch out where you’re sprayin’.




(8.-)

Hard Sell

Intent on winning the “War Against Global Extremism,” defeating the Taliban and finding OBL the USo’A has been quite busy lately over in Afghanistan. Like we said before, it’s a no-win situation. But the government-cheese doesn’t listen to us here at PTB so they’ve whipped out a new weapon…Viagra.




Apparently, the CIA has been using the little blue pill to bribe elder tribesmen out in the backcountry and, according to the Agency, its working. WTF? With all the primo ganja and the top-of-the-line opium in Afghanistan, don’t those poor people have enough trouble with drugs? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…




To get Viagra here in the States, you need a ‘scrip from an M.D…elsewise it’s called possession of a controlled substance. But to win over the hearts and minds of the Afghani people we’re bribing ‘em with a controlled substance. SHEESH! We burn the shit out of their pot farms and trash their poppy fields, tellin’ the folks that drugs are bad then we turn around and give ‘em illegal boner pills. And you wonder why we think this war sucks? This is one more reason in a long, long, long list.




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