Laugh Track

There is a reason George Carlin was considered the greatest comedian ever.

The Way it is

I've been doin' television for a long time. And do you know what the funniest part of this George Carlin riff is? At one time or another I've used every single one of these words and phrases. True story. We miss you George!!!!

Vote or Die

Here at PTB we love us some elections. Any time you can wake up and head out to the polls to vote, is a great day. Alas…we might be the only people in the 775 that actually show up at the polls today. Here is a scary stat…


There are 1.1 million registered voters in Nevada. Officials expect a 15% turnout today. That means 165,000 voters will decide the future of 2.5 million people. SHEESH! WTF is up with that?


In Russia, Election Day is a holiday. Its one big politics orgy and 99% of the people…not 99% of registered voters…but 99% of all eligible voters cast ballots. And the USofA can only manage 15%. We’re number one? Hardly.


We’ve got no use for those of you out there that don’t vote. The world is goin’ straight down the shitter and you can’t even cast your ballot? Losers. You deserve the slow, painful, lingering death that will befall you.


G.C. got it right…As long as Americans have their Hummers and their satellite televisions and cell phones that make pancakes, they won’t do a damn thing about anything. Self-centered, un-motivated, under-educated, lazy citizens. Sad but true. As for us...we're gonna head out to the polls, vote, then hang around macking on the ladies and checkin' the badonkadonks.

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Persian Missile Crisis

King George warned us about the “pussification of America.” Ike warned us about the “military-industrial complex.” Here’s an example of both:

Yesterday, a charter member of the “Axis of Evil” tested a couple of missiles. Poor little things. They’ve got a range as far as a Hummer on half tank of gas and can’t carry anything heavier than a supermodel’s butt cheek but the tighty-righties are goin’ ballistic (pun intended) over the perceived threat to Israel. Well folks, it’s all crap.

Full disclosure: We here at PTB love us some Persians. When we were matriculating up at THE University of Nevada, there were more Iranian exchange students per capita than any other college in the USofA. Besides, have you seen their women? Aye Caramba! Anyway…


It seems that the Bush-Wipes are skid marking their Underoos in an attempt to get a missile defense shield up and working in Eastern Europe. They’re so scared right now you can hear their teeth chattering and they’re trying to scare the bejeezus out of the rest of America too. Why? ‘Cause when the bad guys rattle a few sabers, the majority of Americans start whimpering like lost puppies. Friggin’ wusses.

Face the facts folks, Iran is gonna get nukes and we can’t stop ‘em. How do we know? Our military is FUBAR, we’ve got no scratch and our worldwide cred hangs at the same level as Burkina Faso. Besides, what gives us the right to tell another country that they can’t have nuclear energy/nuclear weapons? You say that the Iranians are state-sponsors of terror? Ask a Nicaraguan or a Venezuelan or an Angolan what superpower funds THEIR terrorists. You got it…we do. So much for the high moral ground.

You say we need to protect Israel? You’re kidding, right? Israel doesn’t need our protection. Hell, they’ve got one of the top armies in the world. They’re loaded with battle-hardened vets and state-of-the-art weapons systems. If Iran wants to pick a fight with Israel, they’ll get their asses handed to ‘em. Just ask Syria, Egypt and Jordan. SPANK! Israel v. Iran would look a lot like Hagler v. Hearns (Iran being Tommy Hearns). No Israel will be just fine on her own.

No, the reason the neo-con fascist turd blossoms are making such a stink is so they can put more and more of your hard-earned money into the pockets of Raytheon, Halliburton, General Dynamics and the rest of their corporate buddies. So while they let healthcare and education and infrastructure rot to shit, their fat-cat buddies roll in the dough. All the while, Americans follow like sheep. Like King George said, “As long as Americans have cell phones that can make pancakes, they don’t give a shit about the rest of the world.” Sad but true.

(8.-)

Le Roi est Mort. La Vie Longue Le Roi.

It's been a tough couple of weeks for us here at PTB. Like they say: "bad things come in threes." Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots. See what we mean? ANYWAY...in the last couple of cycles we lost Jim McKay...Tim Russert and now George Carlin. These guys weren't just TV personalities...they were our friends, our mentors, our heroes. They made us laugh. They made us cry. But most importantly, they made us think and they gave us hope. In losing those three brotherhubbards...America shines a lot less brightly today. With that, we give you the George Carlin classic: Advertising Lullaby.

Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee. Free installation, free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial and free parking.

No cash? No problem! No kidding. No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary. No one will call on you, no payments or interest ‘til September. Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. Offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately. Batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final. Allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultationwith our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced andknowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you and just right for your budget. And say, don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.

And if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift at no cost to you: a classic deluxe custom designer luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim.Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It's our way of saying thank you.

Actually, it's our way of saying "Bend over just a little farther so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bitdeeper, a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable no-good dumbass fucking consumer!'

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In God We....

It never ceases to amaze us when people bloviate about the USofA being a Christian nation. Yeah right. There isn’t anything Christian about us. Turn the other cheek? No. Love thy neighbor? Hardly. Do unto others? Laughable. We could list examples ‘til our two typing fingers fell off but we’ll just go with the big ten.

1. Thou shalt not worship other Gods. We don’t worship other gods. We worship singers, actors, athletes and millionaires.

2. Thou shalt not make false idols. Ummm…you mean like American Idol?

3. Thou shalt not us the Lord’s name in vain. So that sends straight to hell anyone named Jesus, the guy who wrote Lord of the Flies and that guy from Hawaii Five-0.

4. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day holy. Take a look at a sportsbook, corner bar or living room on any given Sunday. Unless God drives a stock car or hauls the pigskin, we’re 0-4.

5. Honor thy father and mother. You’ve gotta earn respect. Just ‘cause you popped out a little one doesn’t mean a thing. Look at all the BSC parents we’ve seen lately. SHEESH!

6. Thou shalt not kill. So…anyone who supports or supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will be doin’ the backstroke with Beelzebub for eternity. Nice.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. C’mon… Adultery is as American as apple pie…’ceptin’ it’s cherry. From Thomas Jefferson to William Jefferson, Americans like their forbidden fruit. Besides, without adultery we’d never have the classic line, “You are NOT the father!”

8. Thou shalt not steal. Well, Halliburton, KBR and those Enron assholes are toast. But then again…so is everyone who’s taken home a paper clip from work. YOUCH!

9. Thou shalt not lie. “Yes honey, that dress DOES make your butt look fat.” You wanna deal with the fallout from that or burn in hell? We pick burnin’.

10. Thou shalt not covet. People who don’t covet are un-motivated, lazy, slackers. Coveting things makes us over-work and over-stress our lives so we can have all those useless toys our neighbors have. As GC famously said, "Coveting is what makes the economy work."


So, you see…if the USofA is a Christian nation, we’re all gonna burn ‘til the end of time. If we’re not a Christian nation…we’ll be just fine.

(8.-)