Another One Bites the Dust

Last week Mark Souder, a congressman from Indiana, an evangelical Christian who promoted abstinence education and a fire and brimstone Bible thumper resigned from office. His crime? Bangin’ a staffer who was not his wife. Of course.

It’s been said time and time again ‘round here at PTB, it’s really no one’s business if a politician is “hiking the Appalachian Trail” or having a RentBoy “carry his luggage." That is, unless that politician’s entire career is centered around “family values.”

Everyone in the world knew that Slick Willie was gonna be bangin’ skanks in the Oval Office. Everyone in the world knew that John Edwards was a horndog with a wandering doodle. They weren’t trying to foist their moral superiority on people and that was just fine.

The problem comes when a holier-than-thou, homophobic, right-wing nutcase who says that marriage is sanctified by God gets popped doin’ the horizontal mambo with someone other than the missus. Representative Souder did the right thing in resigning...Senator John "Able Semen" Ensign, are you listening?

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Willie's Wonker

Well, it looks like Bill Clinton’s wandering doodle finally did some good. Thanks for getting our grrlz back Willie! So, In honor of Bill’s bodacious boner…and in honor of John “I Won’t Resign” Ensign…and in honor of Mark “Holier-Than-Thou” Sanford, we give to you a song written especially for them… BFS’s newest song – My Wena.



BTW…Yo, Senator Ensign and Governor Sanford…at least Tennessee State Senator Paul Stanley had the huevos rancheros to resign. You both are still a couple of wussies!


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SANCTIFY!

We don’t begrudge Senator John Ensign for bangin’ a woman that wasn’t his wife. It’s human friggin’ nature. He’s a man with wants and needs and desires just like everyone else. Heck-fire, if he was a French politician, he’d be considered a hero. No, we’re hatin’ on John “Able-Semen” Ensign’s hypocrisy. SJE was one of those religious wacko Republican nut cases in Congress who looked all of us in the eye and spouted crap about the “sanctity of marriage” and that “marriage is between one man and one woman.” Bullshit. At least, now we know how hallowed and blessed “marriage” really is to Senator “Long” John Ensign.

Now, Ensign has resigned from his position as the chairman of the Republican Policy Committee. Yo Republicans…WTF kinda policy was he makin’ for y’all? SHEESH! But, of course, he’s not gonna resign from the Senate. Neither did Senator David “Whorebanger” Vitter – neither did Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. Funny thing about tighty-righties, they gnashed teeth, rent garments and screamed bloody murder when Slick Willie Clinton got a hummer in the Oval Office but every time they get busted dipping their doodles in the wrong hole, it’s no big deal. That’s just how Republicans roll. Hey, we’re cool with that, but the next time the subject of marriage, or morals or honesty pops to the forefront, Senator Johnny “The Wad” Ensign and his ilk had better STFU!

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Expensive Hummer

HilBill vol.2’s speech at the DNC last night was a real corker. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again…if it weren’t for the ‘Bamer she’d be packin’ back up to Pennsylvania Avenue as we speak.



Our favorite moment was her big entrance. Did you see the look on Slick Willie’s face? He was bawlin’ like he’d just won the Miss America Pageant and mouthing the words “I love you” over and over. It was kinda creepy but funny as hell ‘cause the first words outta Hil’s pie hole were, “I am honored to be here tonight…a proud mother, a proud Democrat, a proud American and a proud supporter of Barack Obama.” SNAP! Oh no she didn’t! Yes, she did! Not one mention of being a proud wife. Whadda ya think of that Slick Willie? That’s what you get for bangin’ yer butt-ugly intern. Still think that skank was worth it?


Y’all probably didn’t catch the worst moment of the speech. ‘Bout half way through she made a reference to her supporters saying “You never gave in, you never gave up.” C’mon Hil, that’s WAY too close to “Never give up, never surrender.” You pulled that line right off of Commander Peter Quincy Taggert. Tailgunner Joe’s the one s’posin’ to be the plagiarist, not you.

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Wedding Bell BooFoos

Heard a lady today on the news protesting Californication’s new Gay Marriage Law. She was pretty cheesed-off about it. She said that there have been more earthquakes, more floods and more tornadoes now than ever before ‘cause God is cursing America for letting the queer-folks get hitched. Interesting.

Here at PTB we get a kick out of people who say they have an open line to God’s brain. We call ‘em like we see ‘em…they’re all crackpots. Think about it…the Bible says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible to you. And if you’re on a one-on-one basis with the Big Kahuna…you’ve got yourself some big-time faith. So why do these mustard seed-heads just stop people from being...you know...gay? ‘Cause they’re all full of that malarkey stuff.

We’ve got a couple of questions: If the Invisible Man in the Sky is putting the noonan on the USofA for allowing gay marriage, why isn’t he pissed off about gay sex? What about other countries where gay marriage is allowed? Hear about any earthquakes or tornadoes in The Netherlands lately? No.

The crux of our biscuit is simple…if God thought being gay was such a big deal, he woulda scratched another rule into Moses’ rocks. But he didn’t. If being gay, having gay sex or being married and gay didn’t make the good Lord’s top ten list, it shouldn’t make yours. Tell you what lady…go grab your bible, re-read the Ten Commandments and then turn your anger toward the liars, cheaters and killers out there. then we’ll see how big your mustard seed is.

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Wet Security Blanket

Here in the USofA ought 8, there are millions of redneck, BSC cracker barrels out there whose worst nightmare is about to come true… President Barack Hussein Obama. YEEE HAWWWW!!!!


Last week the Old Gray Lady posited about BOb’s safety and wondered if he’d get BobbyK’d or Oswalded. It’s something we’ve talked about before here at PTB. No matter how good security is, some wack-job could put an end to it all. But we have the answer.


All BOb has to do is pick Hillary as his V.P. and he’s in the clear. Why? The one thing that scares the bad guys more than a brown-skinded brother with his finger on the button is Mrs. Bill Clinton a heartbeat away from takin’ over. If Hil was second in command, everyone to the right of Ted Kennedy would make damn sure that BOb took his vitamins, exercised regularly and stayed in peak physical form. The right might not like BOb…but anything is better to them than Hill Bill Vol 2.


Best. Vice President. Ever.


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Lyin'-Ass Bitches

Everybody knows that Slick Willie lied about a hummer. The cost to Americans – more than ten million dollars.


A less tangible but more devastating cost to America was the time, effort and resources wasted on digging up blue dresses, splooge stains and other dirt rather than concentrating on the economy, education, healthcare or being on the lookout for the bad guys. The result? 9/11. Thank you Republican Congress.


But it all pales in comparison to the lies told by Chimp-Dick and his traitorous cronies. Why?


The lies perpetrated by the Bush-Wipes have cost a boatload of money. But, as one of the brothers always said, “If you can throw money at a problem, then it isn’t really a problem.”


No, the most devastating cost to America is the loss of international respect, the loss of civil liberties and most of all the loss of heroic American soldiers who died fighting for lies, lies and more damned lies.


If one lie gets Congress’ panties all in a bunch, this latest revelation should have them all skidmarking their power ties. The time to impeach these un-American, traitorous, lying, sonofabitches is NOW!


As for you Mr. pResident -- we’d better not catch you here in the 775…we’ll drag you off by the ear and give you a broomstick enema or as we like to call it, the "Rudy in your Booty."


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Putting the "Us" Back In Caucus

We'll admit it...we're civics geeks. While all the other kids were out riding their Big Wheels or stuck like Velcro to the couch, watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…we were in our bedroom hand-painting Ross Perot campaign signs. So, tomorrow is the Nevada caucus and we're stoked! That being said…here is our short take on the relevant candidates. One quick note…ANYONE will be better than WPE.




Hillary Clinton – Who’ll SHE bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? America’s version of Maggie Thatcher. If she were a man, they’d call her tough. She’s a woman so they call her a bitch. No double standard there.




John Edwards – Corporate lawyer sleezeball turned anti-corporate zealot – EazyE sleeps with the fishes…or the dogs. Could win due to his metrosexuality and his smooth southern twang. Americans vote with their little heads…not their big ones.




Barack Obama – If he doesn’t get BobbyK’d, he’ll certainly get an Oswald. But there’s nothing that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment more than a brown-skinded brother. The change candidate is gonna get short-changed ‘cause there’s no way the racists and the war-mongers and conformists are gonna let a brother win.




Mitt Romney – He’s a second generation politician – smoother than a baby’s bottom. But swift-boating a Mormon is easier than poppin’ an under-funded infidel with an IED. Looks a lot like a skeevy Ted Danson.




Mike Huckabee – By declaring that the Constitution should be remade in the image of God and that Evolution is a “theory”…he needs a good nail gun accident. He forgets that the Invisible Man Up In The Sky only cares about athletes, actors and “Tel-evan-fraud-ulists.”




John McCain – War. What is it good for? You can take the dog out of the fight but you can’t take the fight out of the dog and this dog is just itchin’ for a fight. “Iran called us what?” If you have stock in Halliburton, Blackwater, Boeing or the guys that are building the immigration wall…he’s your man.




Fred Thompson – The last bad actor to run for president ran against Peanut Head, gave us the Iran/Contra scandal and trickle-down economics. What is it that makes people think a B-list actor is qualified to be the leader of the free world?




Rudi Giuliani – screwed up 9/11…Now he wants to screw things up nationally. He was in charge of the NY during “Broom Handle In The Butt-Gate”. More spouses than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Rudy makes Slick Willie look like a Shaolin Monk.




Ron Paul – This is the one cracker that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment. He’s the shiny pink version of Obama. But his views on drugs are closer to Rastafarian than republican. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.










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