I Think We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

Y’all might remember this story: A while back, one bad-assed Carcharodon carcharias was munchin’ on Amity Islanders like they were Krispy Kremes. The PoPo was freakin’ out…the short dude from The Goodbye Girl was freakin’ out…everyone on the island was freakin’ out ‘ceptin’ the one dude who should have been…the Mayor. You know, the guy in charge.

That story reminds me of what’s happening in the Gulf of Mexico. We’ve got this life-devouring monster killing wildlife and wetlands and, in the future, people – and politicians are acting like Mayor Larry Vaughn. Caribou Barbie? “Drill Baby Drill.” Governor Alfred E. Neumann? “A drilling moratorium will kill jobs.” Senator sucking at the monetary teat of big oil? “I’m sorry that you have to pay.”

What we need right now is a real-life Sam Quint. Someone to screech his fingernails down the chalkboard of our collective brain pans. Someone with the huevos rancheros to take down this beast. Someone who is in this thing to help the American people…unlike government-cheese dicks looking out for the one thing they really care about…their careers. Any takers?

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Wednesday Thought Burbles

I don’t get it…some douchebag politician wants to hold Congressional hearings into why the Pentagon dis-invited Franklin Graham, Billy Graham’s, son to National Prayer Day. DAMN…doesn’t Congress have anything better to do? Yes…but that doesn’t mean they’re gonna do it. It’s all about posturing for the next election. Sad. But my question is a bit different: WTF does the Pentagon need with a National Prayer day? I don’t want my soldiers to be praying to God. I want them to be blowin’ the bejeezus outta things and killing bad guys. They should leave the praying to the chaplains…and Franklin Graham.

That oil spill out in the gulf of Mexico is now the size of West Virginia and getting bigger. It’s heading straight for Louisiana and Mississippi. Maybe Jerry Falwell was right. God is unleashing Hell on those poor folks ‘cause of all the gayness in New Orleans. Nah…Jerry Falwell has never been right. I’ll tell you one thing, this spill is gonna fuck up things for a long time. Hmmm…I wonder if Caribou Barbie can see the sunken oil rig from her house? Yo VPILF, how’s that “drill baby drill-thingy” goin for ya?

And finally today, a little bit about the Teabaggers. A lot has been written about how those tighty-righties are racist, cracker-assed-crackers. Well, we’ve got a foolproof way to find that out now. How? You’ve seen tea parties all over the place; people wavin’ signs and placards that say stuff like “No big government” and “Keep the government out of healthcare.” That stance is a civil libertarian stance and I understand it. So, why don’t you hear a peep out of the Teabaggers when it comes to the AZ’s draconian immigration law? Not a peep. If the Teabaggers don’t stand, in unison, and demand the repeal of Arizona’s immigration law, they’re nuthin’ but a bunch of hypocritical, racist, xenophobic, rat-bastards.

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Chicken Dance

U.S. Senate candidate Sue Lowden is getting’ the Silver State a lot pub lately by saying people could pay their doctors with, get this, live chickens. As you can imagine the liberal, elitist media jumped all over that line. No surprise that Lowden has been vilified everywhere from the Rachel Maddow show to the Tonight Show to the Colbert Report. But here at PTB, we kinda like the idea. Bartering has been around since the beginning, so what’s the big deal? Wouldn’t it be great if you could pay your proctologist with poultry? Pretty sweet, neh? Problem is…what do you use to buy the chicken?

News out of Nepal says that the Sherpas won’t allow the ashes of Sir Edmund Hillary to be sprinkled on Mount Everest. Apparently, they consider Everest some kind of holy place. Yo Nepal! If the place is so friggin holy, how come the mountain is littered with crap like oxygen tanks, tents and dead bodies? Aye caramba! Ya know, if it wasn’t for SHE puttin’ y’all on the map, y’all would still be livin’ in the fourteenth century. Oh wait, you are. Nevermind.

Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earth… Happy Earth Day dear Earrrrrrth…Happy Earth Day to Youuuuuuuu! Ya know, here on Earth Day I got to thinkin’. I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the burning oil platform from her house? So, how IS that drill baby drill-thingy goin for ya Caribou Barbie?

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Stand and Deliver

Sad news from right here in the 775…Jaime Escalante died last night. Now y’all probably don’t know who Kemo was. He didn’t get the pub like those BSC motherhubbards from Michigan…or Karl Rove…or Dancing With the Stars. Kemo was the math teacher that inspired the movie Stand and Deliver. It was his passion…his commitment…his dedication to education that put Garfield High School on the map and gave generations of brown-skinded brothers and sisters the confidence to succeed in a cracker-assed cracker world. Yo Jaime…sleep well my brother. Ya done good.

Remember last April, when Homeland Security released a report sayin’ how BSC militias were popping up all over the place and that we’d better keep a look out for “homegrown terrorists?” Remember what the tighty-righties did? They bitched. They moaned. They complained. They said that there was no such thing as homegrown terrorists and that DHS was overblowing the situation. Well I’ve got news for John Boener, Eric Cantor, John McCain, Caribou Barbie and the rest of you right-wing nut cases…I WANT AN APOLOGY! Anyone telling you that the republican party is concerned about the safety of America and her citizens is LYING!

One last thing to you militia freaks. Ya know guys…I don’t hide the fact that I hated Chimp Dick, Dr. Evil and the rest of those un-American assholes that royally fucked up the country, broke the military and ruined the economy. Never once did I hide my disdain for those chucklenuts. But the worst I ever did was threaten to break my foot off in their collective John Brown hind pots. You rat-bastards were plotting to kill police officers, innocent American civilians and anyone else that didn’t fit with your world view! Well guess what? Y’all are neither Christian nor American. An American who doesn’t like the system tries to change it at the ballot box or through civic responsibility. A Christian would love his neighbor as he loves himself. A Christian would turn the other cheek and follow the teachings of the Prince of Peace. Like I said…y’all aren’t Christian or American. It’s fuck-tards like you that has JZeus spinning in His grave. Better bundle up good…I hear-tell Hell is a cold place and you’ll all be there soon.

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