Happy Belated Re-Birthday JZeus!

Since this weekend was a high-holy weekend, I figured it was best to hold my blasphemy ‘til afterward. Just coverin’ my ass in case JZeus’ Dad was in a pissy mood. Anyway…

Looks like the Catholic Church is in the news again. Ah yes, the gift that keeps on giving! Critics of the Church are sayin’ that the Pope knew all about the past abuse of 2,000 deaf kids and was instrumental in covering it up. Critics want JoRatz’s head on a platter but the Church fired back. PoBen’s personal preacher said the attacks on the church were akin to the persecution of the Jews back in WWII. First thing that came to my mind was…The Pope has a personal preacher? Aye caramba! Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that JZeus’ emissary on earth needs his own preacher? Secondly…blaming the media for reporting this story is like blaming the sun for your sunburn. Hey guys…take some personal responsibility, will ya? Blaming the media just makes you sound like the Teabaggers.

And lastly…If the guy covering up all this sexual abuse had been a CEO of a company or some such thing, he’d have been perp-walked to the Gray Bar Motel faster than Jesse James droppin’ his pants at a tattoo parlor. But the Pontiff’s defenders say that he’s untouchable because he’s a head of state. Funny…I thought he was untouchable ‘cause he’s the SOG’s main rep. But here’s the crux of that biscuit. Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic and Adolph Hitler were all heads of state. Now y’all remember what we did to those rat-bastards. That’s right…we JFKed ‘em. Heck-fire…we went after Slick Willie for lying about a consensual hummer. So, if JoRatz is found to have been complicit in this heinous crime…he should be prosecuted. Problem is...I’m betting no one has the huevos rancheros to do it. I KNEW I should’ve gone to law school. If it wasn’t for all the reading and words and comprehension and stuff, I would have.

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Dumb and Dumb-Assed

So…OBL has a new audio tape out. Doesn’t the motherhubbard know we’re in the 21st Century now? Yo’Sama…how ‘bout a Twitter feed or a Facebook update? SHEESH! Anyway…OBL says that if we give the chair to KSM, that he’ll “…execute any of your people that we take prisoner." No shit. Ummm…weren’t you gonna do that anyway? I’ve said it before…offing KSM will just make him a martyr. What we do is, try him in a civilian court, get a conviction and send him off to the prison they sent Sean Penn to in Bad Boys. It worked for Bernie Madoff. True story.

The Pope is in some deep doo doo as of late. Turns out that the Pontiff “…refused to punish a priest who sexually assaulted as many as 200 deaf boys over the course of three decades.” Aye caramba! This is the same guy who bitches and moans and complains about gay marriage and he’s covering up for his skeevy pedophile rapist friends. If the Catholic Church was a corporation and the CEO (the Pope) got busted doin’ this kind of sick stuff, there’d be hell to pay. Guess the guys are gonna have to wait to get to Hell, neh?

And finally…there is a creepy new poll out that paints the Republican Party in a dark light. Seems that…get this…38% of Republican Party thinks President Obama is doing a lot of the same things Adolph Hitler did. Yeah right. Hitler wanted single-payer, universal healthcare for everyone. Are you kidding? But the most telling question was that 24% of republicans think the President is the Antichrist. WTF is up with that? You know, I called George Wpe Bush a lot of things during his time in office but I’ve never referred to him as the Antichrist. Dumb as a bag of rocks...but not the Antichrist. Some say the vitriol is racist, some say it’s anger over the economy. Me? I say it’s ignorance. Now you know why when the tighty-righties start talking about fiscal responsibility, the first thing they want to do is cut funding for education. It’s to swell the ranks of republican voters. Pitiful.

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Mama Mia

Here at PTB we surely love the Catholics. Heck-fire, without them, the only Christian denominations we could make fun of would be the Baptists…and the Mormons. That being said, this week the Vatican contends that their priestly celibacy stance is not the root cause of the sex abuse scandal. WTF? Is the Pope on drugs? Hey Ratz…listen to me now and believe me later. I agree…requiring priests be celibate did not…I repeat…did not lead to the molestation of all those millions of kids. Priests not following the celibacy order is what caused it. I mean, if you can't keep your pecker in your smock, what's the use? Funny how the more “holy” people claim to be, the more sordid and fucked up they tend to be. True story.

Finally today…ABBA, among others, is being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of fame today. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…if you have a R&RHOF and Rush is not part of that hallowed group…y’all ain’t nuthin’ but poseurs. ABBA? Fucking ABBA? Shit…those cracker-assed-Swedish-crackers wouldn’t know rock and roll if it bit ‘em on their polyester bell bottoms. No Rush = No Respect.

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Pon-Tiff

Here at PTB we love us some Pope. That dude has got to be the baddest motherhubbard on the planet. Why? Who else could swear off sex and walk around all day in a robe, a mitre and ruby red slippers without everyone thinking he’s gay? Nobody. But what the Pontiff said over the weekend got us thinkin’ ‘bout the third Commandment – “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.”





Now, most people are taught that the third Commandment means you can’t say “Goddamnit.” PTB readers know that’s not what we were taught. We were taught that taking the Lord’s name in vain meant assigning God’s intentions to human actions. Y’all know what we’re talkin’ ‘bout…


Athletes sayin’ how God helped ‘em win a championship…

or, politicians spoutin’ off about how God blesses America…

and criminals makin’ excuses for their deeds by sayin’ God made ‘em do it.



Listen folks, the Invisible Man in the Sky could give a rat’s ass who wins the Super Bowl…America is NOT His favorite country and no matter how BSC you are, He did NOT tell you to kill someone. Which brings us to Gentle Ben.



Saturday, in a humble moment, The Pontiff said he found it hard to understand why the Lord would have picked him to be Pope. Well…we’ve got news for ya Big Ben…God didn’t pick you to be Pope…a bunch of Catholic Bishops elected you Pope. JZeus’ dad doesn’t give a flyin’ fig who runs the Catholic church. Zero. However we do find it strange that you think God really does sit around Heaven pickin’ winners and losers down here like it was all one big parlay card of life. Dude… you either don’t have a good grasp of the third Commandment or your mitre must be on too tight.



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Fluff Bombing

We’re gonna do a quick drive by today, so hang on…


This is a perfect example why Michael Vick can munch on our doodleberries. Man has seizure, man needs medical attention. Who calls 911? HIS DOG! Yup...and the canine with the cranium didn’t even need to call information to get the number. He’d already dialed 911 for his owner on two other occasions. They don’t call ‘em “man’s Best Friend” for nothin’.


The two states with the highest dropout rates for high schoolers? The Silver State and the Great White North. Following close behind…Mississippi, Alabama, Texas and the rest of the bass-ackward deep south. No more wondering how the hell those guys can vote Republican time and time again -- no brain pans.


Foreclosures in the 775 jumped 46% in August. People are losing their homes at an astounding rate. Hmmm…and who’s been in charge the last eight years? Tighty-righty.


It looks like the FDA has approved an “anti-nausea patch” to help people undergoing chemo. Waste. Of. Time. We already have the best nausea-killer in the world growin’ naturally. It’s called the Kind. Wanna know why ganja is illegal and the new FDA patch isn’t? ‘Cause with the chronic, Cheech and Chong get the cash with the new patch…Big Pharma gets the loot. Guess who the government-cheese is gonna side with on that one?


And finally…


Yesterday, The Invisible Man in the Sky’s Right Hand Man here on Earth said that people must accept death at “The hour chosen by God.” Screw that bub. That’s why they have Sudafed, NyQuil, Bayer Aspirin and Band Aids. If the Big Guy gets to decide…why the hell do we have House and Hawkeye and Marcus Welby? No, we will not go quietly in to that good night. Y’all gonna have to take us outta here kickin’ and screamin’. So, when You’re ready, You’d better call Your bouncers ‘cause we’re not gonna go there without a fight.


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E.T Phone God

Just a couple of thoughts from the non-believers here at PTB.

Great news out of the Vatican today. The Catholic Church’s official astronomer says that it’s O.K. to believe in extraterrestrial life. Now we know what you’re saying, “The Catholic Church has an official astronomer?” Yup. The robe-wearin’ motherhubbards that excommunicated Galileo for ‘splainin’ the earth revolves around the sun now says if you believe in li’l green peoples, you can believe in the Invisible Man In The Sky too. It kinda all goes hand-in-hand though, doncha think? In all the years humans have been on Mother Earth, no one has seen an alien. Same with the Big Guy Upstairs. As long as we’ve been roamin’ the planet there hasn’t been one shred of proof that anyone is up there. That is, unless you believe the guy who translated his visions of God out of a hat. But we digress.

All that said, we have a couple of questions about this whole Catholics and aliens business.

If an alien has eight arms, what would his rosary look like?

The Fourth (or Fifth) Commandment says “Honor thy father and thy mother.” What if the aliens reproduce through mitosis?

Are aliens forbidden to eat meat on Fridays or to work on Sundays?

If the aliens don’t have mouths, where do you put the communion wafer?

If the aliens love the heat like Vulcans, does that mean Vulcan hell is filled with ice and snow instead of fire and brimstone?

Do you think aliens have crosses hangin’ in the rear view or have Jzeus bobbleheads on the dashboards of their hoopty wagons?

Do the aliens have to root for the Notre Dame football team?

And lastly, what if the aliens are Jewish?

We guess the convergence of the Catholic God and E.T. had to happen eventually…we can only hope the aliens are intelligent enough to see through all the bullshit.

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Why JZeus Spins in His Grave

A couple of quick thoughts on PoBen bein’ on this side of the ATL…

If the Pope is the voice of God on earth…how come he needs such tight security? Wouldn’t the invisible man in the sky take care of that stuff? Pope’s got so much muscle, he looks like skeevy Uncle Fester visiting a market in Baghdad.

The Pope mentioned that Americans need to make their political choices with compassion. Does that mean he’s against the war? If the Pope is against the war but pResident chimp-dick isn’t Catholic, can we still bomb the shit out of Iran?

Wouldn’t the two BILLION dollars y’all had to pay to clergy sex-abuse victims been better off helping the poor rather than buying off accusers? BTW…how the hell does a church get BILLIONS of dollars? Something about throwing out the money changers comes to mind here.

With all your secret church rituals (think The DaVinci Code), your way out there ideas (no birth control, a couple of times around a rosary and you’re clean as a whistle) and your clergy’s penchant for pedophilia…what makes the Catholic Church different than the FLDS?

If Catholics have to go to marriage counseling before they get hitched in the church, why are they counseled by a priest who’s never been, and never gonna be, married? WTF does a priest know about marriage?

One last thing straight to you PoBen. You said today that the clergy sex-abuse scandal needs to be viewed in the “wider context of secularism and the over-sexualization of America.” Do you really believe that horseshit? Look bro, 26 million Americans might think you’re the mouthpiece of God but here at PTB we know better. The only difference between you and the motherhubbards that excommunicated Galileo is a couple hundred years. Quit blaming your problems on people who don’t believe in your magic fairies and quit blaming your problems on American’s sexual appetites. You know little to nothing about either.

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God Said What?

Let's see if we can get this straight...


The MoSup of a bunch of Po' Nuns says she talks to the G-Man.


The Pope then tosses 'em out of the Church, cuts off their water and electricity and then has the cops perp-walk 'em out of their digs.


They get to come back into the church if they repent. We never knew that talking to the invisible being in the sky was a sin.


Guess it is now.


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