Driving Miss Lazy

I usually like studies…but this one sucks ass. According to the American Journal of Public Health (my second favorite magazine) crankin’ up the speed limit led to more than 12,000 deaths on US roads between 1995 and 2005. Now the chuckleheads are lobbying the Government-Cheese to re-lower the speed limit because they say it’ll save gas and save lives. Aye caramba!


-- First of all, everyone knows speed kills. But people were flyin’ around the freeways long before the Red Rocker expressed his inability to drive the speed limit…so it can’t just be speed.

-- In 1995, no one drove while talkin’ on a celly. Now, everyone does it. Hell, people these days even drive while Twittering! It’s so bad that a couple of states have made it illegal to drive while talkin’ on your cell. You think inattention had anything to do with the death spike? I do. BTW…”Death Spike” is an awesome name for a heavy metal band!

-- How ‘bout size? In 1995, people were drivin’ ‘round in Yugos, Saturns and Toyota Tercels. Nowadays, people are drivin’ ‘round in humongous SUV’s, monster trucks and Hummers so gnarly that the only thing missin’ on ‘em is the .50 caliber machinegun mounted on a top turret. You get hit by one of those bad boys and it’s sayonara sucka!

-- What about longevity? These days people are living (and driving) longer. And senior citizens think they’re just as invincible as teenagers! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been cut off and flipped off by blue hairs with their blue plates, rollin’ ‘round in their hoopty wagons. SHEESH!

-- And lastly, what about sheer volume? In 1995 the population of the USo’A was roughly 263 million people. In 2005 we rounded out to 296 million folks. That’s an increase of thirty-three million Americans. Hell, there are so many people on the road nowadays; you can’t help but to hit friggin’ something (and if Lou Dobbs had his way, you'd hit a brown-skinded brother)!

So, the AJPH wants to reduce the speed limit to save lives. I say, the speed limit has very little to do with it. As a matter of fact, reducing the speed limit would actually increase freeway deaths. How do I know? Take the drive from the RNO down to the 702. Keep your speed to 55 miles an hour on that long hump. You are gonna want to kill yourself. Personally, I usually make it to Tonopah before I contemplate the cyanide pills. True dat.

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To Whom Much is Given, Much is Required

We’re tryin’ to wrap our brainpans around this:

If a brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped by Reno-911 ‘cause he’s totin’ ‘round a couple of ganja bags in the trunk of his hoopty…poor dude is lookin’ at a couple o’ dozen years in the Gray Bar Motel. After all, life’s problems can be traced directly back to the “Evil Weed.”

A couple of weeks ago a local sawbones copped to writing fake ‘scripts for a couple of pole dancers. His penalty? A $2,000 fine and disciplinary action from the State Medical Board. Aye Caramba! Nice work if you can get it doc. Aren’t doctors supposed to get women with their intellect?




So here’s the crux of today’s biscuit: Kids, if you wanna roll in the high falutin’ world of dealing drugs…STAY IN SCHOOL. Better to get busted pushing as an M.D. or as a right-wing smear merchant or as one of the skeevy Olson twins than getting popped bein’ a minority selling grass. Do the crime; do the time…unless you’re whitey.




(8.-)

Draggin' Ass

Reno 911’s gonna spend time, effort resources and money to stop…get this…illegal drag racing! They seem to think it’s the scourge of the 775. Do you know how much that’s gonna cost? Lots. All to bust the Fast and the Furious. Tell you what guys…here’s how you bust illegal drag racers.

Go to a 7-11 on a Saturday night and wait for a souped-up rice rocket to roll in. When the driver asks for $120 in premium gas and two tanks of nitrous oxide…you’re close. Then, look out into the parking lot and when you see a hoopty full of drunked out skeezers yellin’ “GO GREASED LIGHTNIN”!!! You’ve got ‘em…cheap and easy.

As for us…we think there are better ways for the PoPo to spend their time and effort…like bringing Brianna justice. Guess it’s much easier bustin’ Mario Andretti than it is to catch a killer. Easy? Yes. High priority? No.

(8.-)

Hot Time In The City

It’s finally here. The 775’s tribute to the cars, music and style of yore.

People cruise in their hoopty wagons, mack on the girls and get hassled by the fuzz…just like they did back in Fonzie’s day.

Problem is, now the HANers are all old geezers so they’ve decided to stop their Saturday night cruise.

Why?

‘Cause the brown skinned kids from Cali roll in driving their rice rockets, macking on the girls and getting hassled by John Law.

Officials say they're "troublemakers."

We here at PTB consider them the HANers of the future.


Reno only wants your tourist dollars if you're a pink-skinned cracker!


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