Fished In

Every time I see a new pic from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill I just wanna hurl. Turns out BP and Barry-O’s administration have been lowballing the size of this ecological clusterfuck from day one. They’re covering their collective asses instead of trying to stop this leak. My question: WTF is the United States Navy? We spend billions of dollars a year to maintain the largest and most technologically advanced navy in the world and the one time we could their help, they pull a Lindsay Lohan. Thanks a lot Captain Steubing! PTB laments the loss of wildlife in haiku:

Seafood is healthy.

A new meaning for fish oil.

Vitamin BP.

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Double Jeopardy

You might have never heard of Tsutomu Yamaguchi. To some…he’s the luckiest man in the world. To others…the unluckiest man in the world. You see, Yamaguchi was the only certified survivor of the atomic bombings of both Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Talk about a pretty fucked up week. Aye caramba!

Yamaguchi died Tuesday. He was 93 years old. So, in his honor…a PTB haiku. Sleep well brother.

Kill men to save men.

BA-BOOM and the people die.

Were we really saved?

Twas death from above.

Where was God in all of this?

Spinning in His grave.

Death is the silence.

The cycle of violence.

Now they rest in peace.

War and death still live.

Have we learned from history?

Not a goddamned thing.

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Meanderthal

She’s 47 million years old and her name is Ida. No, she’s not John McCain’s sister, she’s the missing link. An appropriate time for a haiku, neh?

Evolution? Yes.
"Believers" can now believe.
Thank God for science.



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Ground Control to Major Tom

Seeing this...in real time...BOOM goes the dynamite! We offer up a couple o' haikus in rememberance...


Bye bye duck, duck, goose
You float like a butterfly
We land like a bee


Up up and away
We're leaving on a jet plane
Then we riverdance



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Phoning it In

It seemed to us like George W. Bush was president forever. While it might have felt like an eternity, the numbers don't lie. Out of the 2,920 days the Chimp-Dick was in office, he spent...wait for it...wait for it...1,020 days on vacation, breaking the old mark sent by Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan. That's one third of his entire time as pResident on VACATION! Talk about fiddlin' while Rome burns...We haiku our thoughts.

He's out in Texas

while the country goes to hell.

He'll be down there soon.

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One More for the Money

Take this as the crux of an obvious biscuit...


If you lose your house to foreclosure, it is NOT a good idea to take the rest of your money and bet it on a college football game…no matter who is playing or what the spread is…do NOT bet the rest of your money on a college football game! Nothing...repeat...NOTHING good can happen when you do that.



Don't blame it on the...
Alcohol, drugs, genes, Satan.
This one's all on you.


Funny thing is…if the BSC motherhubbard had put his betting money into paying off his mortgage…maybe he’d still have his house. As it is…all he’s got now is a cellmate named Guido, a dead man on his conscience and a future fetching dropped bars of soap.





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Here We Go Again

2008 sucked.

What’s in store for the next year?

Pray hard for ’09.

(8.-)

Mourning Moon and Night

Here at PTB, we always wanted to be astronauts. That’s before we found out you needed to know all that science and math stuff. SHEESH! What does a brother have to do to get hooked up with an alien babe? ANYWAY…



The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…



With China pushing the envelope with their first spacewalk and India launching their first probe to the moon WTF are we doing with our money? Spending it bailing out bourgie motherhubbard banking & credit douchebags and blowing the rest on two unwinnable wars. JZeus-Friggin-Christo. So much for being number one. We haiku our displeasure:



Not since Apollo
Have we been in the space race.
Now we watch others.



Why are we still here?
Space is the final frontier.
Let’s get up and go!



Others launch there now
We waste our money on crap.
The future looks dim.



(8.-)

Hump Day...Already?

Looks like the little scamp that hacked VPILF Sarah Palin’s e-mail is gonna get hisself a new room at the Gray Bar Motel. Funny, the VPILF’s hacker gets indicted within two weeks of his crime and we’ve got thousands of “Enemy Combatants” in Gitmo…many who’ve been there for five or more years…and only one – ONE has been charged with a crime. Land of the Free? Nope.





Governor Jim Gibbons is back in the news. Well, at least he’s somewhere. The evil, American-hating media elitists down at the Las Vegas Sun found out GJG spent just 12 days in his office in the months of August and September. Looks like Gibby learned his work habits from Chimp-Dick. We wax poetic in haiku:


Governor Gibbons…
we elected your dumb ass
to get some work done!


Out of the office?
Important things somewhere else?
Soon you will be gone.


A Public Servant
should fuckin’ serve the public
not your large ego.





One last quickie on last night’s Presidential debate. Remember how we were suggesting drinking games? Bad. Idea. Last night the PTB’ers gathered ‘round the tube with mucho nachos and myriad shots of Tequila. The game? Take a shot every time Old Senator Dust Bucket used the term “My friends” and every time the ‘Bamer said, “Understand.” YIKES! We’re gonna have to apologize to mom & dad for what ensued. Technicolor Yawn anyone? Yup. Porcelain God Worship? You betcha! Icky! This morning when we headed out, there were people still passed out in the driveway. The smart money says they’ll still be there tonight. Can’t wait for Word War III.



(8.-)

Let Them Play

Is John McCain full of shit, or what? This is what he said today in regard to the economic clusterfuck:

"It is difficult to act both quickly and wisely, but that is what is required of us right now. Time is short, and doing nothing is not an option."


Umm…actually, doing nothing IS an option…just not one that Uncle Fester and the ‘Bamer are gonna take. BTW, you know where you hear terms like “Act Now!” and “Time is Running Out!”? Used car lots and screaming car commercials. Heck, We half expect Senator McSame to hit the podium next time wearing a green suit with dollar signs all over it.


Look JMac…there’s nothing you can do in the next week that you wouldn’t have been able to do in the last 25 years of your political career. Do us all a favor…show up and take your ass-whoopin’ like a man. We’ll dally it in haiku:

To debate or not
Is John McCain pussin’ out?
That is the question


Economy’s bad!
Did you just figure that out?
What took you so long?



It’s debate time dude!
Words will come back to bite you.
Bamer’s smoove. You’re toast.


Don’t worry Grandpa
It will all be over soon
Can you say landslide?

Government-Cheese to the Rescue

The USofA’s financial sector is so messed up right now, we just wanna kick someone’s ass…ANYONE’S ass. So we decided we needed to calm down and vent with a haiku…



When big business fails

Government-Cheese bails ‘em out.

When you fail…good luck.



Wall Street fat-cats ask

“Corporate Welfare for us.

Porsches are not cheap.”



Lose your life savings?

Not if you’re bourgie-assed rich.

Poor man’s goin’ down.


(8.-)

RNC Ya Later

Last night’s RNC Convention-ender is a stark reminder to anyone wanting to go into politics….learn to read a TelePrompter. If you don’t, you risk looking like a skeevy, creepy old perv. Just ask Senator McSame. But while most peeps were watchin’ the convention on networks like MSNBC, CNN or Faux News…we were watchin’ it all on C-Span. The difference? No bobbleheads…no spin…no commercials…wall-to-wall uninterrupted coverage. It’s what we like to say is: “balls to the wall.”



So, if you weren’t watchin’ C-Span, you probably missed the scariest thing to happen in quite some time. Just as the convention was ending…balloons poppin’ in the background like shots from an M-16…up walks a preacher man. As he spoke, the crowd quieted and the preacher man launched into a prayer.



He asked the Invisible Man in the Sky to watch over the Republican party and to watch over John McCain and to help the tighty-righties win the election. Oh yeah…and don’t forget to watch over our troops. That got us thinkin’…which party does JZeus support? Do you think it’s the Republican Party? We demonstrate with haiku…




Kill ‘em in Iraq
Revenge for 9-11
Osama’s not there.


Right-wing war machine
Russia, Iran, Syria
WTF is next?


Tax cuts for the rich
Let the poor folks help themselves
Get a job suckers!



POW J-Mac
How many houses you have?
A lot more than us.



Little guys hurtin’
Trickle-down economy
doesn’t help the poor.




Hey God, you up there?
Republicans claim you’re theirs
That, or they’re lying.


(8.-)

The Week That Was

It’s been a wild first week at the Beijing Olympics. We’re not complaining, mind you. As a matter of fact we love this stuff. For the end of the week, we haiku some of our favorites…



The air quality
Isn’t as bad as it looks
Beijing has brown skies




Minor sports ignored
Major sports shoved down our holes
Ping pong? No. Hoops? Yes.




Michael Phelps swims fast
Chinese gymnasts look too young.
Redeem Team redeemed?



All sports on the net
No more need for Bob Costas
TV is soon dead


(8.-)

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

We haiku about the recent trouble of one of the most famous athletes to come out of THE University of Nevada:

Tony Z - Kicker

gets the girl by drugging her.

Jocks feel entitled.

Where did you learn this?

Didn't football teach you class?

Or did you skip class?

(8.-)

Out of Gun-trol

Today the SCOTUS made an historic (obvious?) decision....you're allowed to own a gun.

YEEHAWWW!!!

We celebrate with Haiku:

Janie's got a gun

for self-defense or hunting.

Let the bullets fly.

Payback is a bitch.

Pops a cap in her hubby

then on to Bambi.

Guns equal safety?

Don't come near us with those things.

We don't wanna die.

(8.-)

Pump & Go

Boy howdy...this is why we love livin' in the 775. 'Round these parts there's a lot of empty space. Heck, here in the NV, we measure driving distances in hours not miles. Now, it's turnin' out that the jacked-up price of petrol is not only keeping people closer to home, it's also killing business in our beloved "dens of iniquity." Hard to pay good scratch for a dip in the patch when it costs more to drive there than getting the actual deed.

So, to keep business movin' along, the Shady Lady is offering...you guessed it...gas cards with every piece of 'tang! AWESOME! This is the kind of business acumen and can-do attitude that makes Silver Staters the baddest motherhubbards on the planet.

We haiku in awe...

Lady of the night

fill her up...then fill 'er up

Gas for ass. It's true.

(8.-)

In Space...No One Can Hear You Flush

Astro commode broke



Ground control to Major Tom



Does freeze-dried poo float?







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An Army of Ummm...

Remember the dead

Fighting someone else's war

They gave more than all




They tell you they support our troops.



They support their wallets.


(8.-)

TOUCHDOWN!

Mars has been scaring the bejeezus out of us here at PTB since H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. Even against Tom Cruise…those Martians are bad motherhubbards!


Problem is, those aren’t really Martians…they’re boogityboogity bad guys from the darkness of a Hollywood writer’s mind.


Guarantee…the first cute&fuzzy bunny we find outside our own troposphere is gonna look like the grout in the cracks of yer tub…

So…in honor of HGW and the master…Matsuo Basho…we haiku:

The North Pole of Mars.
What do you think we will find?
E.T. anyone?

We Love us some Pole.
Does the Red Planet have life?
Santa and his Elves.

Life is everywhere
Man in the image of God
So God looks like a…?

(8.-)