Happy Belated Re-Birthday JZeus!

Since this weekend was a high-holy weekend, I figured it was best to hold my blasphemy ‘til afterward. Just coverin’ my ass in case JZeus’ Dad was in a pissy mood. Anyway…

Looks like the Catholic Church is in the news again. Ah yes, the gift that keeps on giving! Critics of the Church are sayin’ that the Pope knew all about the past abuse of 2,000 deaf kids and was instrumental in covering it up. Critics want JoRatz’s head on a platter but the Church fired back. PoBen’s personal preacher said the attacks on the church were akin to the persecution of the Jews back in WWII. First thing that came to my mind was…The Pope has a personal preacher? Aye caramba! Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that JZeus’ emissary on earth needs his own preacher? Secondly…blaming the media for reporting this story is like blaming the sun for your sunburn. Hey guys…take some personal responsibility, will ya? Blaming the media just makes you sound like the Teabaggers.

And lastly…If the guy covering up all this sexual abuse had been a CEO of a company or some such thing, he’d have been perp-walked to the Gray Bar Motel faster than Jesse James droppin’ his pants at a tattoo parlor. But the Pontiff’s defenders say that he’s untouchable because he’s a head of state. Funny…I thought he was untouchable ‘cause he’s the SOG’s main rep. But here’s the crux of that biscuit. Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic and Adolph Hitler were all heads of state. Now y’all remember what we did to those rat-bastards. That’s right…we JFKed ‘em. Heck-fire…we went after Slick Willie for lying about a consensual hummer. So, if JoRatz is found to have been complicit in this heinous crime…he should be prosecuted. Problem is...I’m betting no one has the huevos rancheros to do it. I KNEW I should’ve gone to law school. If it wasn’t for all the reading and words and comprehension and stuff, I would have.

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A WTF Weekend, Neh?

Half-Guv Sarah Palin got her Alaska reality show. Hollywood-types are reporting that Discovery Channel will pay more than $1 million per episode for the gig. Aye caramba! Funny, the former almost-VPILF always rags on the “lame stream media” and bashes reporters and journalists (like she’d know what they do). Now, with her gig on Faux News and her reality show, she has become what she says she hates...”Hollywood media elitist.” Welcome to the family Sarah!

Speaking of Hollywood…tonight is the last episode of 24. FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch an episode of 24, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Who knew back in 2001 that Jack Bauer and company would have such an impact on American political landscape? Well…it’s over now and the republican party is gonna have to find a new series to scare the bejeezus out of the unwashed masses. May I suggest American Idol? FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch an episode of American Idol, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS! True story.

And finally…Can someone be a Christian if they’re in a militia? Several members of “Hutaree,” a Christian militia were arrested over the weekend for plotting to kill police officers. YOW! Hey douchebags…WTF about the sixth commandment don’t you understand? Ever heard of turning the other cheek or loving thy neighbor? He isn’t called the Prince of Peace for nothing, ya know. Yer all a bunch of fucking morons and are about as Christian as the Westboro Baptist Church. Here’s hoping y’all get a nice long stay at the Gray Bar Motel.

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Lyin'-Assed Liar

So Fat Boy finally did it. Yup. Yesterday Mark “I’ve never used steroids” McGwire pulled a Charlie Hustle and copped to juicin’. Turns out he of the Popeye arms shot up more chemicals than that dude from Trainspotting. True dat. But I have a problem with the timing of the whole thing.

For years Big Mac denied drugging and he gave the frownin’ of a lifetime to anyone who thought differently. He was innocent and we were all out to get him. Turns out he was just another lyin-assed jock strap who thought he was above the rules. So now he fesses up. SHEESH!.

Could it be because he’s got a new gig as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach? Probably not. Could it be because his conscience finally got the better of him? HAW! No, I think the reason MM spilled his guts is that last week he got as many Hall of Fame votes as I did. Ya see, McGwire still thinks that no matter what illegal and immoral things he did, he deserves a place in the HOF. Poppycock!

Yo Mark…you cheated. You cheated and you played us all as fools. And now you think that a half-assed mea culpa is gonna get you some sympathy votes for the HOF? Never. You and your ilk almost destroyed the sport of baseball and no amount of crocodile tears will change the situation. Other people might forgive you. They’re better persons than I am. But to me Mr. McGwire, the only hall you should be inducted into is the Hall of Fuck Off and Slither Back Under the Rock You Came From. Ummm...is that a hall? The HOFOASBUTYCF.

BTW...I surely hope you get a call from the Justice Department soon. Lying to Congress will get you time in the Gray Bar Motel. True dat.

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Up Up and Away

It never ceases to amaze me what dumb-assed pussies Americans are. As you know, earlier this week, some BSC motherhubbard tried to set off an explosive device in his pants while he was flying to Detroit. Aye caramba, dude. Talk about one painful brit milah. No worries, though. Passengers on the plane saw what was happening and gave the rat-bastard the American version of the Glasgow kiss. They shoulda tossed him out the door but, instead, they detained him ‘til landing. The dude got perp-walked and now he’s in the Gray Bar Motel.

Tighty-righties, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies and teabaggers alike had collective conniptions. “Obama is soft on terror,” they said. “We need more security at airports,” they whined. And on…and on…and on. Here’s what they don’t get: Airplanes, in the first place, aren’t totally safe. If God had wanted man to fly, he’d have given him some sort of wing-like appendage. Secondly, airports and airplanes should be the least of our worries. Why?

Americans have this pompous sense of superiority over peoples of other nations. “We’re smarter, we’re better, and by golly, we love ourselves,” we say. And that’s the problem. While Dick “Dr. Evil” Cheney and Tom “Over the” Ridge and their ilk piss and moan about airport security, the REAL terrorists are planning their next attack and it isn’t gonna be in an airport or on a plane. Too much security…too much hassle….been there, done that. No, terrorists hit you where you’re most vulnerable and when you least expect it. That’s why they call it terrorism.

So, while republican hacks try to score points with the voting public by vilifying Janet Napolitano and Barry-O and scaring the bejeezus out of the flying American public, the bad guys are gonna pop us while we’re not looking. It might be in a shopping mall, it might be on a bus or a train. But it won't be at an airport…because that’s exactly where we expect them to be. SHEESH! Americans…we think we’re so smart. Too bad we’re not.

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