Utah...Metah...Wetah

A lot of people give the LDS church a ration of shit. People say it’s a cult. Some people don’t consider the LDSers Christians, and it’s just plain creepy that they run the entire state of Utah. Well, the Mormons and other Beehive Staters proved them all correct yesterday when the government-cheese executed convicted killer Ronnie Lee Gardner.

While I may be a progressive in some aspects, when it comes to the death penalty, I’m almost always for it’s swift use. The exception is any black man living below the Mason-Dixon Line…you Klansmen out there know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. But I have a real problem in this case.

The problem isn’t with the execution itself…the problem I have is that it was done in Utah. You see, if the state of Utah is run by the Mormon Church and the Mormon Church believes itself to be Christian, WTF are they doing executing anyone? Hell, the Utah Attorney General even TWEETED from the death chamber. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT CHRISTIAN? From what I’ve read in the Christian Bible, there are a million places where JZeus and His Dad talk about how killing is wrong. They talk about forgiveness and mercy. Do the Mormons follow those tenets of their Holy Book? No. But they sure have their magic underwear in a bunch over gay marriage…something that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible.

As long as the State of Utah has the death penalty as an option…no matter how heinous the crime, they’re not Christians. Hell, they’re no better than the perp they’re poppin’ caps at. Hypocrites? Yes. Men and women of God? No way in Hell.

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One Man's Taboo is Another Man's Custom

If all the FLDS MoMo was goin’ on between the young girls and their substantially older husbands…why are all the kids bein’ taken from their mommas and why aren’t the daddies behind bars?


The authorities in Texas say that girls as young as 13 were getting pregnant at the FLDS. Don’t they get the MoPo Show in the Lone Star State? Young girls are getting pregnant everywhere! “You are NOT the father!” SHEESH!



Americans think we’ve got it made with our “freedom of religion.” But that’s not the case at all. We ain’t got freedom of shit.


-- Wanna use hallucinogenic substances in your services? Not gonna happen.


-- Is sacrifice a part of your religion? You’re in big trouble.


-- Don’t want to take your kids to the sawbones in town ‘cause your religion forbids it? Busted.


-- Does your religion allow you to have multiple spouses? Not in America it doesn’t.


-- Do you worship an alien, a woman or the devil? Sorry, you’re S.O.L.


These are just five examples. There are millions of instances of religions doing something their God has allowed and that the Government-Cheese has deemed “unlawful.”



The crux of our biscuit is simple…what part of “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” don’t the mutherhubbards get?

(8.-)

Putting the "Us" Back In Caucus

We'll admit it...we're civics geeks. While all the other kids were out riding their Big Wheels or stuck like Velcro to the couch, watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…we were in our bedroom hand-painting Ross Perot campaign signs. So, tomorrow is the Nevada caucus and we're stoked! That being said…here is our short take on the relevant candidates. One quick note…ANYONE will be better than WPE.




Hillary Clinton – Who’ll SHE bang in the Lincoln Bedroom? America’s version of Maggie Thatcher. If she were a man, they’d call her tough. She’s a woman so they call her a bitch. No double standard there.




John Edwards – Corporate lawyer sleezeball turned anti-corporate zealot – EazyE sleeps with the fishes…or the dogs. Could win due to his metrosexuality and his smooth southern twang. Americans vote with their little heads…not their big ones.




Barack Obama – If he doesn’t get BobbyK’d, he’ll certainly get an Oswald. But there’s nothing that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment more than a brown-skinded brother. The change candidate is gonna get short-changed ‘cause there’s no way the racists and the war-mongers and conformists are gonna let a brother win.




Mitt Romney – He’s a second generation politician – smoother than a baby’s bottom. But swift-boating a Mormon is easier than poppin’ an under-funded infidel with an IED. Looks a lot like a skeevy Ted Danson.




Mike Huckabee – By declaring that the Constitution should be remade in the image of God and that Evolution is a “theory”…he needs a good nail gun accident. He forgets that the Invisible Man Up In The Sky only cares about athletes, actors and “Tel-evan-fraud-ulists.”




John McCain – War. What is it good for? You can take the dog out of the fight but you can’t take the fight out of the dog and this dog is just itchin’ for a fight. “Iran called us what?” If you have stock in Halliburton, Blackwater, Boeing or the guys that are building the immigration wall…he’s your man.




Fred Thompson – The last bad actor to run for president ran against Peanut Head, gave us the Iran/Contra scandal and trickle-down economics. What is it that makes people think a B-list actor is qualified to be the leader of the free world?




Rudi Giuliani – screwed up 9/11…Now he wants to screw things up nationally. He was in charge of the NY during “Broom Handle In The Butt-Gate”. More spouses than Zsa Zsa Gabor. Rudy makes Slick Willie look like a Shaolin Monk.




Ron Paul – This is the one cracker that scares the bejeezus out of the establishment. He’s the shiny pink version of Obama. But his views on drugs are closer to Rastafarian than republican. Not. A. Chance. In. Hell.










(8.-)

No. No. No. No. I Don't Drink It No More...

Yesterday was the 88th anniversary of prohibition. That means today is the 88th anniversary of our great-great grandpa Rufus' stint in the state hoosegow.


Prohibition, like other forms of repression, was a dismal failure. The reason is simple…when you tell people they can’t do something…they do it anyway -- ever try to tell a teenager to save sex 'til marriage?



The problem is, alcohol isn’t the problem.


Alcohol didn't make you beat your wife...


alcohol didn't make you wrap your hoopty wagon around a light pole...


and alcohol didn't make you flunk out of school.


No, the crux of this biscuit is that people need to take personal responsibility for their own actions. Don't blame the Devil weed...don't blame the 'shrooms or the fry or the 'shine. If you need someone to blame, take a long, hard look in the mirror.


BTW…supporters of Prohibition included John D. Rockefeller, Jr, the LDS Church, the Ku Klux Klan and Sheriff Buford T. Justice.


Siding against Prohibition...German Lutherans, the Catholic Church and Al Capone.


(8.-)

If We Don't Fight 'Em Over There, We'll Have To Fight 'Em Over Here.

Here at PTB we have a soft spot in our hearts (and heads) for our Mormon brothers and sisters.

Hell, the 775 is home to quite a few LDSers.

But talk about a shitty break...some rat bastard went and named named these despicable creatures after 'em.

Can you imagine what a what a Catholic cricket would look like?

The Silver State's pestician may think 10-20 acres of the little bastards aren't a big deal...but just looking at ONE of them gives us the major willies.

At least we've got our own flock of seagulls. Remember it on election day!

(8.-)