Friday Night Frights

There’s no telling how fucked up the Gulf Coast is gonna get because of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Pretty fucked up I imagine. The lives of thousands of people are going to be affected for decades to come. Pisses me off, it does. So last night I’m talkin’ to one of my tighty-righty friends and he says…and I quote, “Accidents happen. Whadda you gonna do?” That got me thinking. The oil industry sludges us a major quagmire of filth, is gonna stick the American taxpayer with the bill and will probably only get a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies scream “Drill baby drill” and lament about accidents happening. My take? WTF would people be saying if this was the airline industry? Just askin’.

Hello Captain Obvious! Yesterday U.S. Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske said that we’re pretty much gettin’ fusticated in the “War on Drugs.” No shit, Einstein. We’ve wasted trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and incarcerated millions of people and we’re still losing the war. Aye caramba! Doesn’t come as any surprise to me. The United States of America, Inc. hasn’t won a war since 1945. Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, the war on drugs, the war on obesity, the war on poverty, the war against obesity, the war on terror. Yeah, America used to be the greatest country in the world. Key phrase there…”used to be.”

And finally…the ACLU is filing suit against cops in Pennsylvania because the cops are handing out tickets for…wait for it…wait for it…they’re handing out tickets for SWEARING! What The Fuck is wrong with that picture? This is the kind of Puritanical bullshit that really pisses me off. Who’s to say what a cussword is? In the old days, “damn” was considered a cussword and it was banned from television. Nowadays, you hear “damn” all over the tube. Heck-fire, while watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show last year, I kept hearing the announcer using the word “bitch.” So, is it the word? Is it the context? What about foreign cusswords? MERDE! This is just another example of our slippery slide into fascism. Damn…I thought we were over that when Chimp-Dick left office. Guess not. One big shout out to Pennsylvania. FUDGE YOU! That'll teach 'em!

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WTgiF

So…the story says Liz Edwards is kickin’ ole Johnny boy to the curb. Thanks Captain Obvious. She shoulda done it a long time ago....or, at least, pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on his dumb ass. Do ya think the soon-to-be ex-Mrs Edwards would be interested in rebound sex? Gotta look her up on Facebook. Yup.

Another story in the news today says that only one penny of every dollar given for Haitian earthquake relief is given to the Haitian government. Good. Those rat-bastards woulda just spent it on themselves. Always have. That’s why Haiti is in the messed up situation it’s in right now (earthquake notwithstanding). But here’s my question: Out of that dollar…thirty three cents goes to the US military. WTF? Don’t we already pay for GI Joe? Fuckin’-A…thirty-three cents goes to our own military and nine cents goes to feed starving Haitians. SNAFU.

The ACORN pimp got busted earlier in the week for tryin’ to Watergate Senator Mary Landrieu’s office. His lawyer says that it was just a prank and he’s just a kid. How come when a right-wing nutcase does something wrong, it’s a “prank” and when some lefty does something wrong it’s a symptom of Obama’s Socialist Regime. Aye caramba!

And finally…today is National Puzzle Day. HUZZAH! So I’m gonna try to solve this puzzle. Yesterday on Faux News, Rudy-In-The-Booty said that the ‘Bamer was a pussy ‘cause he didn’t use the word “war” in the SOTU addy. Problem is, Barry-O used the word “war” at least eight times by my count. The puzzle? WTF is Rudy Guliliani still doin’ on TV and why does Faux News let him spout crap outta his lie-hole? One can only guess.

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L7 Squared

Ya know…I hate to tell y’all I told ya so but, “I told ya so!” Earlier this week, the general in charge of American troops in Afghanistan said that we’ve gotta re-think our strategy in that conflict. No shit, Captain Obvious. Problem is, like I said before, no matter what plan we put in place, short of nuking the whole country into bolivia, is gonna end up with the same result. Mujahedeen – 5 The Rest of the World – 0. Remember your history peeps…Afghanistan is where empires go to die. And the American empire is getting’ ready to take a dirt nap on this one.



The thing that really sucks, though (as if the loss of our standing in the world isn’t enough) is that the Government-Cheese doesn’t even realize that awful reality. As a matter-of-fact, yesterday former director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, said that we’d have to change our thoughts on what victory in Afghanistan means. When they start moving the goal posts in the middle of the game, you know you’re screwed. Ridge said victory in Afghanistan would mean rebuilding that country. Aye caramba! Is that really what you think T.R.?



I’m gonna say this again but I know it’ll fall on deaf ears. Alexander the Great tried, Genghis Kahn tried, the Roman Empire, the British Empire and the Soviet Union all tried to invade Afghanistan. They all failed. Now, we’ve tried and failed too. But that isn’t even the worst part. The worst part is that chuckleheads like Tom Ridge want to spend more time and effort and lives and treasure “rebuilding” Afghanistan. Guess what guys, rebuilding Afghanistan is an oxymoron. How can you rebuild a country that, at its political and cultural apex was still wallowing in the fourth century? SHEESH!




BTW…out of all the news coming out of Afghanistan lately, contractors bein' wack-jobs, again…IED’s blowin’ the bejeezus out of our troops and such, you haven’t heard one peep about Beau Bergdahl. Hello…where are all the patriots now? Or were they even patriots in the first place?


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Monday Mourning

Bourgie, white, rich, BSC Bernie Madoff steals billions of dollars from investors and gets to stay out of the hoosegow on bail. Poor brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped with a doobie and he gets ten years hard time. Those are some fucked up priorities.





Landmark day today…Chimp-Dick gave his final news conference. HUZZAH! Only eight more days ‘til the WPE rides off into the sunset. We were kinda hopin’ he’d ride off a cliff but we’ll take him gone any way we can. Too bad the shit-storm he’s gotten us into is gonna be around for a century or so. SHEESH!





In a survey of a random sample of U.S. emergency physicians, virtually all said they believed that law enforcement officers use excessive force to arrest and detain suspects. Thanks Captain Obvious. A couple of weeks ago BART cops popped a cap in a brother while he was handcuffed and on the ground. A couple of months ago, airport security in Phoenix detained a woman who later died in custody. In Texas, the son of former MLB’er Bobby Tolan was shot in the chest as he was laying face down in his driveway. Those are just a few incidents that we can think of off the top of our heads. A bit of research would uncover lots more. It seems that since 9/11 cops have been of the mindset that their shit doesn’t stink. They act like someone is guilty ‘til proven innocent and consider themselves the judge, jury and executioner of a suspect. Think not? Go up to the next cop you see and flip him/her the bird…that’s the last thing you’ll do as a non-incarcerated person. America the Free? Hardly.




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Just Do It

We cannot emphasize this enough…there is nothing…repeat…nothing better than sex. Maybe that’s our take ‘cause we don’t do it nearly as often as we should -- but that’s the crux of a different biscuit.


The problem here in the United States of Puritanism is that most people think sex is a bad thing. It’s not our fault. The government-cheese and those that speak for JZeus’ Dad continually bombard us with the thought that putting tab "A" into slot "B" or slot "C" or slot "D" is wrong. Both groups tell us when we can and cannot do it, where we can and cannot do it and who we can or cannot do it with. SHEESH! Makes you wonder how the species survives. Well, don’t fret peoples. We’ve got good news for y’all.


A report just out says that folks who take "abstinence pledges" and "virginity pledges" are just as likely to have sex as those of y’all who don’t take a pledge. The first thought up from our mind shaft was "DUH!" That’s like saying politicians running on the platform of government ethics are just as likely to take a bribe as say…Rod Blagojevich. Thanks Captain Obvious.


You see, sex is the great motivator. Why else do you think guys buy fancy cars, get educations and occasionally shower? To impress as many ladies as possible with the intention of getting sex. Don’t believe? Ask any guy. Sex is our highest priority. We think about sex almost all the time. That’s why men had to invent sports. ‘Cause if we didn’t, we’d be thinking about sex all the time.


And women aren’t any different from men. Oh sure…they may play shy and innocent and naive but no fire burns hotter than in the loins of a woman. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes, spend so much time putting on makeup and dreaming of the day that they can get breast implants? So they can get more men to have sex with. It’s an entirely natural thing. Much more natural than thinking an Invisible Man in the Sky gives a crap who you do the horizontal tango with. So go for it folks. Dive in with both feet (if that’s your kinda thing). Have sex. Just don’t let the Government-Cheese catch you putting tab "A" into slot "Z."

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Dirty Sanchez

We don’t hate him ‘cause he’s a pompous ass, a metrosexual, a Bush-wipe or even that he’s possibly Larry Craig’s stall mate. But every time Skeevy Dean Heller opens his pie-hole we wanna start raging against the machine.

This time, Hell-Bent is pushing legislation for “English only” ballots. He said the government "does too much to cater to people who speak a different language.” He goes on to say that, “If you're going to be successful in this country, the key to that is being able to speak the language."



Here’s the crux of our biscuit: We all know Skeevy-D is an uber-conservative nut case who’d rather lick the sweat off of Karl Rove’s nutsack than just about anything else. But his right-wing extremist philosophy of divisiveness is what’s killing America. We say it here at PTB all the time....our diversity is what makes America the greatest country in the world. We get it Hellboy…you’re afraid of everyone that doesn’t look like you, you’re afraid of everyone that doesn’t sound like you and you’re afraid of everyone who doesn’t think like you. Shoot-fire…just thinking of us here at PTB probably makes him skidmark his Underoos.

Get this CDH…quit waggin’ the dog with yer “English only” ballots, yer flag pins, yer marriage saving amendments and yer BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY drivel about brown-skinded brothers. DO YOUR FUCKIN’ JOB and go find OBL, balance the friggin’ budget and protect the rights of Nevadan’s…ALL Nevadan’s.

One last take…Hell-O-Shitty’s bill would make an exception for language assistance for those with Native American and Alaska Native dialects. He says, "They were here first." No shit, Captain Obvious. Problem is…folks with Mexican dialects (and skin color) were here before whitey too. Whadda you say 'bout THAT?

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Chop Sue Ye

It’s good to see the TRPA rubbing a butt on people who cut down trees up at Tahoe to enhance their views of the lake.


Rochelle Nason, of the League to Save Lake Tahoe, said that when people cut trees it puts the rustic beauty of Tahoe at risk. “People come to Tahoe to get away from urbanized areas,” she said. “They don’t want that scenic beauty lost.” No shit Captain Obvious.


The crux of our biscuit is that the scenic beauty of Tahoe is ALREADY lost…that is unless you like gaudy neon skyscrapers and McMansions. If y’all are so worried about the beauty of Tahoe you shouldn’t have let anyone live up there in the first place. The last building permit issued for Tahoe should have been the barn extension requested by Ben, Hoss, Little Joe and Adam. After that…it was too late.


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