Utah...Metah...Wetah

A lot of people give the LDS church a ration of shit. People say it’s a cult. Some people don’t consider the LDSers Christians, and it’s just plain creepy that they run the entire state of Utah. Well, the Mormons and other Beehive Staters proved them all correct yesterday when the government-cheese executed convicted killer Ronnie Lee Gardner.

While I may be a progressive in some aspects, when it comes to the death penalty, I’m almost always for it’s swift use. The exception is any black man living below the Mason-Dixon Line…you Klansmen out there know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. But I have a real problem in this case.

The problem isn’t with the execution itself…the problem I have is that it was done in Utah. You see, if the state of Utah is run by the Mormon Church and the Mormon Church believes itself to be Christian, WTF are they doing executing anyone? Hell, the Utah Attorney General even TWEETED from the death chamber. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT CHRISTIAN? From what I’ve read in the Christian Bible, there are a million places where JZeus and His Dad talk about how killing is wrong. They talk about forgiveness and mercy. Do the Mormons follow those tenets of their Holy Book? No. But they sure have their magic underwear in a bunch over gay marriage…something that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible.

As long as the State of Utah has the death penalty as an option…no matter how heinous the crime, they’re not Christians. Hell, they’re no better than the perp they’re poppin’ caps at. Hypocrites? Yes. Men and women of God? No way in Hell.

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Back in Black

Huzzah! For the first time in recent memory, the University of Nevada athletic department made the right call – they promoted assistant coach David Carter to replace departing head basketball coach Mark Fox. Aye Caramba! Now we’ll have to change Nevada’s nickname from “The Whitest University West of Utah” to “See…We’ve Got One Brown-Skinded Brother on Staff!” Anyway…


We wish coach Carter and the Wolf Pack all the best in the upcoming seasons. We’ve got a sneaking hunch that they’re gonna rub a butt on the record books. However, we do wanna point out a couple of things to look for now that Nevada basketball has a new head coach…did we mention he’s BLACK?



Firstly, cheerleaders will no longer be able to ride the bus with the team to away games. This will prevent Reno-911 from arresting coach Carter for violating the Mann Act.



Nevada will finally have to change their archaic pre-game music mix. Deleted? “Welcome to the Jungle.” Added? “Play that Funky Music White Boy.”



And finally…we’re gonna re-name Nevada’s mascot. “Alphie” sounds like the little kid that always got atomic wedgies in junior high school. From now on, the Nevada mascot will have a different name. His new nom de plume? “Hoop Doggy Dogg.”




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Crossing Guards

One of the true joys we get here at PTB is poking fun at Utah…our neighbors to the east. No matter what the joke, if you use the Beehive State as the punchline, you’ll get a laugh every time. Check it:



When a UHP officer takes a dirt nap, the Utah Highway Patrol Association puts up a cross to mark the spot. The cross is adorned with the highway patrol's logo and a small plaque with a photo and short biography of the fallen trooper, as well as the trooper's name, rank, badge number and year of death. So WTF is the problem?



A bunch of Godless Atheists from Texas got together and sued the state of Utah saying crosses are religious symbols. Utahans disagree. A joint resolution by the Utah Legislature in 2006 declared the cross a nonreligious, secular symbol of death. Now, y’all don’t need lawyers or judges to decide this one, just a bit of common sense.



First of all, if a dead UHP officer was Jewish or Muslim would the state of Utah erect a Star of David or a Holy Crescent? No? Strike one.



Secondly, is the cross a secular symbol of death? Nope. The cross symbolizes JZeus and Christianity. The secular symbol of death? Skull and Crossbones. Believe it. Strike two.



And lastly, try this experiment. Roll on up to the Utah Statehouse with your cross and start rubbing your butt on it. Even better…pull a Regan MacNeil with it. AYE CARAMBA! Wanna know what’d happen? You’d be in jail faster than A-Fraud can fake a hip injury. Strike three. Yer out!



The State of Utah might say that crosses are secular. Too bad they don’t practice what they preach.



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Prohibition Inhibitions

Seventy-five years ago today the USo’A decided to give up on the “noble experiment” that was Prohibition. At that exact moment, tighty-righties around the country skidmarked their collective Underoos. That’s back when you could smoke reefer and snort blow legally but the morality police had figured the only way to prevent drunkenness was to ban alcohol altogether. That didn’t work out too well now, did it? So, alcohol became legal again. Thank you JZeus!




Can you imagine the state of Nevada today without alcohol? YIKES! We’d have to rename ourselves West Utah. BLECH! Think of it this way…who’d wanna see some cracked out skank do a pole dance if alcohol wasn’t involved? No one. Do you know how boring video poker is when you’re sober? BORING! Even worse, if Prohibition was still in effect, the only commercials you’d see on the Super Bowl would be for cars and tampons. Aye caramba!




Besides, look at all the jobs that legal alcohol has created. From brewmeisters and distributors to bartenders, cocktail waitresses and alcohol abuse counselors. Alcohol is responsible for thousands of jobs in the Silver State. Heck-fire, if the PoPo didn’t have DUI checkpoints to do, they’d have to go out and do some REAL police work like catching bad guys and stuff.




The crux of our biscuit today is simple. In the 13 years that alcohol was illegal in America, alcohol-related deaths soared. Why? Without government oversight, people were making nasty, rot gut swill from crap like kerosene, lighter fluid and ass wax. But people drank anyway. The fact that it was illegal didn’t dissuade anyone from drinking. Not even the possibility of death stopped folks from tyin’ one on. Making booze illegal diverted the cops’ attention from really bad guys like murderers and rapists. You go Elliot Ness! Prohibition was an abject failure.




We look back on it now and romanticize the bootleggers and the rum runners from days past. How quaint those huckleberry moonshiners were! So what’s the difference between the Dukes of Hazzard and some poor brown-skinded brother bringin’ a load of the ganja across the border or growing it in his hydroponic grow room? Nothing. Keeping the prohibition against marijuana is just as stupid-assed as the prohibition against alcohol. Maybe one day we’ll learn. Probably not…but maybe.



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