Internet Killed the Video Star

FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



NBC’s coverage of this year’s Olympics has been piss-poor, to put it kindly. C’mon, synchronized diving? That sport would be a LOT better crossed with skeet shooting. You gotta hit both divers before they hit the water. We’d surely watch THAT.



But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple: We get hours and hours of gymnastics, swimming, beach volleyball and yes, synchronized diving but it’s often tape-delayed and it’s never the sports we want to watch when we wanna watch ‘em. NBC.com to the rescue! We logged on the other night, checked the pull down menu and started watching stuff right away.



Now, y’all might be sayin’, “But we love watching synchronized diving.” Fair enough. But you wanna know the coolest thing about watching the Olympics on the net? No announcers, no commercials and no schedules. YEE HAW!!!



We watched hours of fencing, badminton, table tennis and horse jumping…live. And when nothing was going on live, we picked our own tape-delayed games to watch. No fluff pieces about Michael Phelps’ dog, no insipid Bob Costas-isms and no more commercials for Home Depot. It was like being in heaven. Or at the very least, like bein’ in some rocket-hottie’s bedroom, getting’ down to some canoodling.



Yup…television is on its way out and soon the net will be God. That’ll be bad for bank accounts here at PTB but it’ll be a great time watching the London Olympics in 2012. We can’t wait.

(8.-)

The Week That Was

It’s been a wild first week at the Beijing Olympics. We’re not complaining, mind you. As a matter of fact we love this stuff. For the end of the week, we haiku some of our favorites…



The air quality
Isn’t as bad as it looks
Beijing has brown skies




Minor sports ignored
Major sports shoved down our holes
Ping pong? No. Hoops? Yes.




Michael Phelps swims fast
Chinese gymnasts look too young.
Redeem Team redeemed?



All sports on the net
No more need for Bob Costas
TV is soon dead


(8.-)

Musings From a Weekend in Beijing

WOW! That opening ceremony made the Wizard of Oz look like a crappy, low-budget 1970’s porn flick. Our first thought of the OC was “Don’t mess with China!”

When the organizers of London’s 2012 opening ceremony saw what the Chinese did, they promptly upchucked haggis all over their designer suits. The only way London’s OC could top Beijing’s is if they stage a full-scale reenactment of the Battle of Waterloo. Good luck with that.

Did you see Bush-Wipe at the OC? At one point he was looking restless and bored…much like an OCD 10-year-old sitting through a church service. All of a sudden he started using his little American Flag like a drumstick…tapping it on his leg in time to the music. Nice job Chimp-Dick. And you wanted a Constitutional Amendment to outlaw flag burning? You are a failure, an embarrassment and a hypocrite! You cannot be gone soon enough.

Last thing about the OC. Did you see the Hungarian team make their entrance? Their unis looked like they just came out of a paintball game!

Throughout the Olympics we’re seeing a lot of commercials from the Home Depot. The HD touts all the Oly athletes that work for ‘em. That made us think…Home Depot must have the baddest company softball team in the world!

Olympic drinking games. You’ve gotta drink whenever... 1. You hear the Olympic anthem. 2. You hear the Olympic fanfare. 3. Bob Costas says something that makes you cringe (for professional drinkers only). 4. China wins gold. That last one is a flash back to McDonalds’ 1984 debacle.

We’ve seen a lot of hottie Chinese women so far in this Oly. You’ve gotta think that the downloading of Asian porn has quadrupled in the last few days.

So, Kerri Walsh’s wedding ring flew off during a match yesterday. See, we told you we had telekinetic powers. Too bad they only work on jewelry and not clothing.

Gold, silver and bronze in Women’s Saber all went to Americans. WOO HOO!!! Never thought we’d see that in our lifetimes. After the medal ceremony the girls went over to get congratulations from former President Bush. One of the fencers started to cry and what did GHWB do? He pulled his snot rag out of his back pocket and gave it to her so she could dry her sniffles. Made us wanna hurl.

ANYWAY…we’ve got 13 more glorious days of Olympics still to come. If the first three days were any indication, we’re all in for one helluva ride.

(8.-)

08-08-08

To us here at PTB there is nothing better than the Olympics.

Sex? Overrated. Not that us basement-dwelling bloggers would have much experience with it. When we have our first experience, we might have to change this one.

Food? Puh-leeze. If the high-fructose corn syrup doesn’t kill you, the Salmonella will. Besides, the rule around here is no food near the keyboard and the keyboard is where we are most of the time.

Drugs & Alcohol? Nope. With what we’ve seen out there in Cyberia, we don’t need chemicals to make our heads spin. Besides, unless you’re a celebrity or a big-shot honcho or a bourgie rich white dude they’ll throw you in the hoosegow and throw away the key for doin’ that stuff.

No…our vice is the Olympics. It’s a once-every-four-year orgy of running, jumping, lifting, shooting, stabbing and crying that keeps our woodies up late at night.

What we love most about the Olympics is the fact that everyone is there for one reason…to compete. We’ve long held the thought that if countries could settle their differences on the playing fields instead of the battlefields; the world would be a lot better off. For the next two weeks…it will be.

(8.-)

A Bad Day to Give Up Smoking

Man, there’s so much smoke in the air here in the 775 it looks like a Grateful Dead concert and smells like wet dog. UGH!. But it’s all Cali’s fault.

Ya see, the G-Man is punishing Cali with fire and brimstone ‘cause they let Mr. Sulu walk down the aisle with his man. So, the Golden State is smoldering like a marshmallow in a campfire and we here in the 775 get all the residual crap. Great. WTF did we do to derserve this? Oh yeah. All that drinkin', gamblin' and whorin' stuff.


No worries though. We’ll get back in the good graces of the Invisible man in the Sky soon enough. Ya see, we know that Jzeus’s papa loves him the tighty-righties. That means as soon as President McSame takes office, we’ll be off the hook.



But we’re gonna put a positive spin on things. We’re gonna head out to the park for a little jog. That way we can close our eyes, take a deep breath and pretend we’re Olympic athletes competing in Beijing.

(8.-)

Red Dawn

Becky Hammon is your typical gym rat. From her youth in North Dakota through her playing days at Colorado State and on to the WNBA…Hammon has been a hardcore baller. She’s pretty good too. Last year (her fifth in the WNBA) Hammon finished second in voting for the league’s MVP. That’s some pretty sweet cred.



When the powers that be invited players to try out for the U.S. Olympic team, Big Shot Becky’s name wasn’t on the list. No problem there. Ya see, Hammon plays professionally in both Russia and the Good Ole USofA. So, Big Red stepped in and offered Hammon a spot on their Olympic team. She accepted. Now it’s become some kind of political shit-storm. Hammon is being called un-patriotic and even worse…a traitor. Wrong.



The United States Olympic team has been using foreign talent forever. What, you think those brown-skinded brothers on our long distance teams with names like Mohammed, Kahlil and Mbute are natural born citizens? Nope. They get a fast track to citizenship by the USOC and just like that, they’re U.S. Olympians.



Hammon has dual Russian-U.S. citizenship. Her country didn’t want her and just like any other red, white and blue-blooded American…she went where the opportunity was. Mother Russia. Traitor? No. Baller? Hell yeah!



We crux our biscuit in haiku:


Is she a traitor
for playing with the Russkies?
Let the games begin!


(8.-)

Best. Masseuse. Ever.

We'll start the week off light. Here's a little somethin' from our Chinese brothers & sisters. After the shitty week they had last week...here's hoping things get better soon.

(8.-)

Run Forest! Run!

We never understood track athletes. They’re the ones who spend hours and days and weeks training and the one who spends the LEAST amount of time running the race…wins. We never understood that but we’ve always been big fans of the sport.. That’s why we’re jazzed up ‘bout the start of the High School State Track & Field Tournament this weekend.



Now, anyone who’s rolled in the 775 for very long knows who the Tarantulas are. We’re familiar with Muckers from the north side and Muckers from the south side. We know all about the Hornets, the Longhorns and the Lakers. They’re all over the Silver State. We’re talking about small high schools.



Most of us here at PTB went to 1A schools and are proud of it. Ya see, at a small school you’ve gotta do everything. You participate in your three or four sports. You’re in student council. You have to be on the setup and the cleanup crews for dances. Heck, you might even have to serve as the prom king and the prom queen. You’ve gotta be a jack of all trades…not because you’re proficient at ‘em but because bodies are scarce. Which brings us to the crux of today’s biscuit…



Last weekend The Lone Star State held its state track meet. The winner in the small school category was Rochelle High School. WTF should anyone care ‘bout that? Simple. Rochelle High School had exactly ONE member of their track team compete. Bonnie Richardson entered five events and placed in all of ‘em. High jump, long jump, discus, 100 and 200 meters. And she alone won the team title. SNAP!



You’ll never see a story like that happen in ‘Vegas or Reno. But that kind of performance happens all the time in places like Gerlach, Ely, Carlin and Wells. Small school sports…just one more reason to love livin’ in the 775.



While we’re on the subject of T&F…Oscar Pistorius hit triple sevens today. You might remember Oscar as the fastest man on no feet. We talked about him a while back when the International Association of Athletics Federations banned him from running against athletes who aren’t amputees. The IAAF said that Oscar had an unfair advantage ‘cause he has two artificial legs. We said HORSESHIT to that! Today, the Court of Arbitration for Sport agreed with all of us here at PTB. Now Oscar gets to qualify to run this summer in Beijing.



We don’t know ‘bout y’all but this story is givin’ us a huge jones for the Olympics to start. And when they do start…here’s hopin’ Oscar rubs a butt on all of ‘em. You go boy!


(8.-)

Random Acts of Mindless

There’s so much goin’ on ‘round the place we wanted to talk about as many of ‘em as time would allow. So today, we’re all over. Think of it as “drive-by posting.”



There was so much security around the Olympic torch yesterday, it looked like John McCain visiting a Baghdad market.



The city of Reno has to pay $100,000 to a couple of dancers and their boss ‘cause they got roughed up by the RePoPo. Their crime? Stripping without a license. SHEESH! Yo Reno-911…go find Brianna’s killer and leave the strippers alone.



You can’t go on strike and picket your work unless you give ‘em an exact time? That’s one of the stupidest friggin’ rules on the book.



A couple of cops in the NYC get busted for buying illegal steroids from the bad guys. Now NYPD Blue is gonna randomly test all 36,000 officers. Another example of why “Rudy in the Booty” are BSC!



No one wanted the biomass plant down in the Capital ‘ceptin’ the government-cheese. Turns out the people were right. The bugger’s gonna cost us more than it earns for the next 17 years. And now, we’re spendin’ more than a half a million dollars to hire peeps to work the thing ‘cause the state doesn’t have anyone qualified to run it. Who was gonna run it originally? Inmates. Wonder why we hate politicians?



Finally, Sgt. Timothy Smith. Another life wasted on the lies of pResident GWB. This fuckin’ war is NEVER gonna end. Saddest part is that most of the 775 voted for chimp-dick. TWICE! They tell you they support our troops and you believe ‘em. Then the troops get tagged and bagged and you STILL believe ‘em. Must be easy bein’ a sheep.




(8.-)

Fine China

We've got no problem with people protesting. After all, this is the USofA and that's kinda our thing. We do have a problem with people protesting the wrong way.



If you wanna protest China for their Tibet policy, why turn everyone's day to shit by climbing the GGB? That's just as crappy an idea as boycotting the Summer Olympics. You really cheesed-off at China? Wanna make a real difference? Go home...look through ALL your stuff and toss everything into the garbage with a "Made in China" tag. EVERYTHING.



'Til then, you're all just poseurs.


(8.-)