Thursday Think

A group of Republicans wants to re-brand their party. People don't like you? Just change your name! Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Eric Cantor and Nevada's own Senator John "Don't call me whitey" Ensign, make up the famous faces of the “National Council for a New America.” Quick hint for the tighty-righties: The “old” America was run by George W. Bush and his cronies. We’ve already got a new America and your hateful, war-mongering, racist, elitist, homophobic philosophies are dead. Our call? Soon, the Republican party will be sleeping with the fishes. Just like the Whigs.



Bristol Palin is the new teen spokesperson for the Candie’s Foundation. That’s a group promoting abstinence among the little folks. Tryin’ to get teens to abstain from sex is like tryin’ to stop a zebra from getting stripes. Not. Gonna. Happen. Making Bristol Palin the pie hole of the no sex movement is like getting Amy Winehouse to be the spokesperson for D.A.R.E.



Former Nevada FOOTIE coach NAME REDACTED'S lawsuit against the University of Nevada was tossed out by a judge yesterday. No jury trial for her. That’s Nevada justice for you…the little guy gets the shaft and the rich get the desired verdict. A quick observation: Since her dismissal from THE University of Nevada, the basketball team hasn’t made it to the NCAA Tournament, the football team hasn’t won a bowl game and the baseball team hasn’t seen a sliver of postseason play. Get used to it Nevada…you’ve angered the sporting Gods and they’re already smiting you.



And finally…remember when Chimp-Dick was all horny for Ethanol? When they started cranking up production of the stuff, they found that tortilla chip, corn flake and high fructose corn syrup prices were goin’ through the roof. That’s cause the corn was goin’ into gas tanks rather on to American plates. Check it: Scientists have just produced a race car that runs on…wait for it…wait for it…CHOCOLATE! Aye Caramba! The exhaust probably smells great but we fear the rise in the price of candy. We’ll just call it “Snickers Shock.”




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Random Acts of WTF's

We’ve got a state bird, a state fossil and a state flower…now fourth graders from around the NV are gonna get the chance to pick the state insect. Well, we’re gonna save the little shavers time and gray matter. Nevada’s state insect should be the Mormon Cricket. When the MC’s hatch, the ugly rat-bastards are everywhere. Any other insect just wouldn’t do us justice.





Governor Jim Gibbons cut academic funding for higher education by fifty percent while college athletics got a three percent raise. Someone tell GJG that we want him to take a pee test. Seriously, WTF is he smoking? In the last three years the football team is 21-18 overall, 0-3 in bowl games, 0-3 against Boise St., 0-3 against Hawaii, 1-2 against Fresno St. and 1-5 against BCS teams. Two years ago, the basketball team lost in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to friggin’ MONTANA. Last year, the Pack didn’t make the NCAA, the NIT or any other post-season tournament. The baseball team hasn’t sniffed the post-season in a long time and no other sport on campus even gets a blip of publicity. Those are statistics for giving MORE money to athletics? Those should be the statistics that have Athletic Director Cary Groth working at the drive-thru.





And finally…State Senator Bob Coffin has suggested we look into legalizing prostitution throughout the Silver State. Longtime readers of PTB know we’ve been calling for legalizing ‘tutes since the beginning. If an 18-year-old male can sell his body to the NBA or MLB or the NFL…why shouldn’t an 18-year-old female be able to sell her body to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch's Vegas facility? And don’t start with all that biblical, moral majority, holier-than-thou bullshit. There were enough whores in the bible to float a battleship. Didn’t seem to matter much back then…why should it matter now?




BTW…State Senator Bob Coffin has one of the coolest names in the Nevada State Legislature. He probably gets a lot of shit around Halloween though. Yay, Senator Bob!



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Thanks for Giving, Eve

We sure hate to be a downer on the day before a holiday but SHEESH! Did you see that dude dirt napping turkeys behind VPILF Sarah Palin the other day? That video was skankier than Britney Spears’ coochie. YUCK! Makes us glad we eat pizza on Thanksgiving. We just don’t wanna see where pepperoni comes from. YIKES!



Yesterday, the RGJ headline read: “Jobless Benefits Extended for Nevadans.” It might just be the semantics of the wording but anyone who can find the benefit in being unemployed is looking at things through beer goggles.



We’ve always held the position that Islam treats its women like shit. They’ve gotta cover up from head to toe, they can’t drive and they can’t be seen in public with a man she’s not related to. Bass-ackward cave-dwelling rat-bastards. Well, it looks like things are loosening up. Yesterday a suicide bomber in Baghdad blew 13 people to smithereens. The bomber was a woman. Way to start treating women equally, douchebags. Islam better not promise women going to heaven 72 virgins. What the hell is a woman gonna do with 72 virgins? Not. Much.



A new report out there says that the Silver State needs better-educated workers. Hey, we’re all for better ed-u-ma-ca-tion, but right next to that story was the one about a proposed 25 percent tuition hike for Nevada’s colleges and universities. WTF is up with that? They say they need more educated workers then they turn around and make it financially harder for people to get into college. That sucks.



And finally today…the Little General said yesterday that if the Wolf Pack lost to La Tech this weekend but got invited to a bowl game anyway, he’d seriously consider not going. Yeah, right.


The chances of Nevada finishing 6-6? Maybe. The chances of Nevada finishing 6-6 and getting a bowl berth?...ANY bowl berth? Maybe. The chances of Chris Ault & Cary Groth declining a bowl invite...ANY bowl invite? Never. Gonna. Happen.



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Manic Monday

Ummm…wasn’t $700 BILLION supposed to help the Stock Market? Guess not. Next time Chimp-Dick opens his pie hole and declares a state of emergency if we don’t act rapidly…don’t listen. $700 BILLION down the toilet. Wonder how much education, healthcare or infrastructure we could have bought for that kind of scratch? Lots.




BTW…the guy they’re putting in charge of the $700 BILLION bailout? A former executive at Goldman Sachs. JZeus Friggin’ Christo! That’s like letting the fox guard the hen house. WTF? Is ANYONE paying attention out there? Apparently not.




The Juice was convicted of something-or-other over the weekend. Question: Isn’t 1995 over? SHEESH! We give this has-been more airtime than the war in Iraq. Liberal media? We think not.




Nevada’s football team fusticated the Idaho Vandals this weekend. Thinkin’ ‘bout it, we’ve figured that aside from Alaska, the Dakotas and Montana, Idaho is the worst college football team in the nation who’s named after their entire state. Think the Wolf Pack would beat say…Texas? Florida? Oklahoma? Hell no…we’d get beat a hundred to absolute bupkis!




Speaking of Nevada sports…the women’s FOOTIE team ended their 2008 non-conference schedule…wait for it…wait for it…0-9-2. YIKES!!! Two years ago, Cary “Dumb as A Sack of Doorknobs” Groth dismissed NAME REDACTED for “The good of the team.” Groth said that the squad needed a new direction. Ummm…is this the direction she meant? The soccer team used to be the most exciting team on campus. Not anymore. Thanks Cary. Who the hell did you used to work for…Lehman Brothers? If this was any other school in the nation, Groth would be puttin’ in her app to work at the drive through.




Lastly, Virgin Galactic, you know, the guys getting paid for launching tourists into space? They turned down a million dollars to let a company film a sex scene in earth orbit. Bummer. We’d have paid to see that one. VG didn’t give a reason why they turned down that kind of scratch but we have an idea. If they took people up to Earth orbit so they could do the “Horizontal Mambo” they couldn’t very well keep the name “Virgin” Galactic, could they?


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Why College Sports Suck

It was a chicken shit move when it happened. A coach…full of piss and vinegar…took over a team that made the Chico’s Bail Bonds guys look like the 1927 Yankees. She was an ass-kickin’, fire-breathin’, straight-talkin’ adrenaline buzz in Silver and Blue. She was a big-time coach with a prime time resume. She remade a team of losers into winners…into champions.


Then, three days before the season opener, the coach got “Shottenheimered” and just like that, the best team on campus went from the top of the hill to the bottom of the barrel.


The excuse was even more pathetic…right out of the A.D.’s lie hole: ”We did this for the good of the team.” Yeah right. Firing a future hall-of-fame coach three days before the start of the season is the Worst. Move. Ever. But we finally came to know the real reason…the coach was a whistleblower.


When a coach shows that kind of honesty, integrity and loyalty you’d think the university would be grateful. After all, honesty and integrity and loyalty are three traits that rarely surface in major college sports. It wasn’t to be. Instead of naming a building after her, she got the bum’s rush. A lawsuit followed but it wasn’t for the money. No. Coach wanted her rep back. Coach wanted her job back. Coach wanted her team back. That’s all.


Yesterday, Nevada hired coach’s replacement. He seems like a nice guy…but we all know what happens to those types. He coached a tiny program in a no-name conference…he played at a school even smaller…his record is as mediocre as cold McDonalds fries…and he’s the choice. WTF?!


As for coach…we’ve seen her documents. She’ll win her case but she won’t get her job back and she won’t get her team back. Her rep will recover and she’ll get another gig. Winners always do.


Nevada athletics will never be the same though. The athletic department sold their collective souls to cover up their own crapulence. The A.D.’s ineptitude will stench the halls on campus as long as she’s making the calls and Wolf Pack athletes and coaches now know that being a winner, being a leader, having morals and standards take a back seat to the shitty side of college sports.


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