Shave and a Haircut...Two Bits

Question: If the RNC shelled out $150,000 to dress Caribou Barbie…doesn’t that make the $200 John Edwards spent on a haircut seem kinda piddly?



Yesterday, VPILF Sarah Palin said that the election is “in God’s hands.” Question: If the Palin/McCain ticket loses, does that mean that God hates republicans or just Governor Palin? Does it mean JZeus' Dad likes Barack Obama? That would be one hell of an endorsement.



Speaking of endorsements…over the weekend Former Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed the ‘Bamer. That was enough for us. Colin Powell is a big hero ‘round here at PTB. What followed though, made us wanna ralph. For the last few days, the tighty-righties have been hammering Powell. Seems they think he’s some kinda traitorous, terrorist-lovin’, un-American, elitist, liberal. Ya know, we don’t mind those terms bein’ used against almost anyone…but Colin Powell? C’mon. Anyone questioning Powell’s patriotism or judgment needs to have their head examined.


(8.-)

Hump Day...Already?

Looks like the little scamp that hacked VPILF Sarah Palin’s e-mail is gonna get hisself a new room at the Gray Bar Motel. Funny, the VPILF’s hacker gets indicted within two weeks of his crime and we’ve got thousands of “Enemy Combatants” in Gitmo…many who’ve been there for five or more years…and only one – ONE has been charged with a crime. Land of the Free? Nope.





Governor Jim Gibbons is back in the news. Well, at least he’s somewhere. The evil, American-hating media elitists down at the Las Vegas Sun found out GJG spent just 12 days in his office in the months of August and September. Looks like Gibby learned his work habits from Chimp-Dick. We wax poetic in haiku:


Governor Gibbons…
we elected your dumb ass
to get some work done!


Out of the office?
Important things somewhere else?
Soon you will be gone.


A Public Servant
should fuckin’ serve the public
not your large ego.





One last quickie on last night’s Presidential debate. Remember how we were suggesting drinking games? Bad. Idea. Last night the PTB’ers gathered ‘round the tube with mucho nachos and myriad shots of Tequila. The game? Take a shot every time Old Senator Dust Bucket used the term “My friends” and every time the ‘Bamer said, “Understand.” YIKES! We’re gonna have to apologize to mom & dad for what ensued. Technicolor Yawn anyone? Yup. Porcelain God Worship? You betcha! Icky! This morning when we headed out, there were people still passed out in the driveway. The smart money says they’ll still be there tonight. Can’t wait for Word War III.



(8.-)

Word War II

It’s gonna be a great day here at PTB. We treasure these political debates like they were the Super Bowl. Ah, the life of civics geeks. ANYWAY…we know that not all y’all are as pumped for Word War II as we are so we’ll let you in on a game we used to (and sometimes still do) play.


Before the debate, get together a bunch of points about the candidates that you can bet on like:


Who will mention 9-11 first?

Who will mention “main Street” first?

What color tie will the ‘Bamer wear?

What color tie will John McCain wear?

How many times will John McCain wink at the crowd?


See? It’s that easy. Get your friends together, make your bets and let the game begin!



During the debate, every time a candidate uses the words…

Bailout
Economy
Terrorism
9/11
Raise Taxes
Corporate Welfare
Surrender

…or a host of other words, you just know they’re gonna use, everyone in the room has to take a drink of their preferred beverage. Simple. Know anyone who doesn't drink? N/P. Just substitute the words above with…

Iraqi Government
Dead American Soldiers
My Washington Experience
Afghan Civilian Deaths
George W. Bush


…more than likely the above terms won’t be used at all. That’ll spare your teetotaler friend the hassle of getting blasted.




So you see, you can have a fun time at tonight’s debate even if you don’t give a fat-rat’s-ass who wins or loses. As for us…we’re frothing at the bit just waiting for kickoff!


(8.-)

Thursday Thought Bubbles

VPILF Sarah Palin is prepping for tonight’s battle with Joey the Shark by goin’ to…get this…GOP Debate Camp. WTF do they teach you there? How to confuse Shiite and Sunni? How to pee with a wide stance? The proper display and disposal of flag pins? Or maybe you learn how weather patterns are affected by gay sex. Either way, we’re looking forward to the debate more than a Rastafarian looking forward to the first spliff after a urine test.





One more thought on the VPILF. The other day she was asked if she knew of any SCOTUS decisions she disagreed with besides Roe v Wade. She couldn’t think of one. Here at PTB our most hated decision is Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad, but we’re civics geeks. Hell, wanna bet if she was asked which SCOTUS decisions she agreed with, she couldn’t come up with one of those either? Guess now we know what Dan Quayle would have looked like with boobs.



Number nerds have figured that Barack Obama is more likely to live out his presidential term than John McCain. Hmmm…think so? The slide rule smarty pants suggest McCain’s age and health make him a prime candidate to take a dirt nap while in office. We disagree. As soon as the ‘Bamer moves in to the White House the clock is ticking. Bass-ackward, redneck, inbred, hillbilly crackers will be lining up to JFK him. There’s nothing whitey hates more than a successful brown-skinded brother. Well, maybe a successful woman.




How come when Heath Ledger, the creepy Olsen Twin, Rush Limbaugh, Heather Locklear and their ilk get busted with ‘scripts, no one gets charged with a crime but when Snowboarding Spicoli gets caught with the kind on his way to Burning Man he gets Abu Ghraibed? Just asking.




Closer to home…The Environmental Protection Agency says that Yucca Mountain has to be designed to protect against excessive radiation exposure to residents of the 702 for up to…wait for it…a million years. SHEESH! Who’s gonna be around if the motherhubbard starts leaking in 3008? That’s only a thousand years. Heck, the EPA can’t even make sure FEMA trailers are free of asbestos. How’re they gonna pull this off?




Finally…y’all know we love our dogs here at PTB. In the Sunshine State our counterpart is Greg LeNoir. Last week GLeN was swimming with his rat terrier when Jaws III popped in from out of nowhere and started doin’ the reverse McGruff. Seeing his pup turning into a taste test, GLeN jumped in and pulled an Ali on the fish. BAM! Down goes Frazier! Human and canine came out of it with minor scratches…the shark reportedly wants a rematch down in ‘Vegas.




(8.-)

10,000 Maniacs

So, the 'Bamer rolled into the RNO today. The crowd up at the "U" was so big, we thought the ladies from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch were givin' out free samples!


Like him or not, you've gotta admit...the 'Bamer can draw a crowd. Too bad he couldn't play Downtown. That way we wouldn't have had to close Fitzgerald's.


(8.-)

Let's Get It On

Well folks...here it comes. We've been waitin' for this bad boy for a long time. This is gonna be bigger than Hagler/Hearns. This is gonna be bigger than Yankees/Dodgers. Hell, this'll be bigger and better than Enterprise versus the Borg. So, sit back, relax and enjoy. We will.


(8.-)

Let Them Play

Is John McCain full of shit, or what? This is what he said today in regard to the economic clusterfuck:

"It is difficult to act both quickly and wisely, but that is what is required of us right now. Time is short, and doing nothing is not an option."


Umm…actually, doing nothing IS an option…just not one that Uncle Fester and the ‘Bamer are gonna take. BTW, you know where you hear terms like “Act Now!” and “Time is Running Out!”? Used car lots and screaming car commercials. Heck, We half expect Senator McSame to hit the podium next time wearing a green suit with dollar signs all over it.


Look JMac…there’s nothing you can do in the next week that you wouldn’t have been able to do in the last 25 years of your political career. Do us all a favor…show up and take your ass-whoopin’ like a man. We’ll dally it in haiku:

To debate or not
Is John McCain pussin’ out?
That is the question


Economy’s bad!
Did you just figure that out?
What took you so long?



It’s debate time dude!
Words will come back to bite you.
Bamer’s smoove. You’re toast.


Don’t worry Grandpa
It will all be over soon
Can you say landslide?