Friday Night Frights

There’s no telling how fucked up the Gulf Coast is gonna get because of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Pretty fucked up I imagine. The lives of thousands of people are going to be affected for decades to come. Pisses me off, it does. So last night I’m talkin’ to one of my tighty-righty friends and he says…and I quote, “Accidents happen. Whadda you gonna do?” That got me thinking. The oil industry sludges us a major quagmire of filth, is gonna stick the American taxpayer with the bill and will probably only get a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies scream “Drill baby drill” and lament about accidents happening. My take? WTF would people be saying if this was the airline industry? Just askin’.

Hello Captain Obvious! Yesterday U.S. Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske said that we’re pretty much gettin’ fusticated in the “War on Drugs.” No shit, Einstein. We’ve wasted trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and incarcerated millions of people and we’re still losing the war. Aye caramba! Doesn’t come as any surprise to me. The United States of America, Inc. hasn’t won a war since 1945. Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, the war on drugs, the war on obesity, the war on poverty, the war against obesity, the war on terror. Yeah, America used to be the greatest country in the world. Key phrase there…”used to be.”

And finally…the ACLU is filing suit against cops in Pennsylvania because the cops are handing out tickets for…wait for it…wait for it…they’re handing out tickets for SWEARING! What The Fuck is wrong with that picture? This is the kind of Puritanical bullshit that really pisses me off. Who’s to say what a cussword is? In the old days, “damn” was considered a cussword and it was banned from television. Nowadays, you hear “damn” all over the tube. Heck-fire, while watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show last year, I kept hearing the announcer using the word “bitch.” So, is it the word? Is it the context? What about foreign cusswords? MERDE! This is just another example of our slippery slide into fascism. Damn…I thought we were over that when Chimp-Dick left office. Guess not. One big shout out to Pennsylvania. FUDGE YOU! That'll teach 'em!

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Boy oh Boy

Wow, the US Army sure has it bad lately. Not just ‘cause Chimp Dick sent ‘em and Barry-O is keepin’ ‘em in the “unwinnable suck,” but because they’re having a hard time recruiting soldiers. You see, a few years back, to stock up bodies for Afghanistan and Iraq, the Army had to loosen its standards for lettin’ people in. They let in felons, and dope fiends…hell, they let everyone in but the gays. Anyway, now the “Be All That You Can Be” crowd is losing recruits ‘cause American teens are too fat. Aye caramba! You mean you can’t slim down the doughboys and girls with a little boot camp ass-whoopin? Guess not.

Some say the problem lies with parents who find it easier to babysit little Billy with a Twinkie and television rather than real parenting. Some are calling on manufacturers to cut the amount of salt in processed foods. Hmmm…you don’t hear the Teabaggers moanin’ about THAT government overreach, do you? But I’m not pointing the finger in that direction. No, I put the blame for America’s flabby kids square on the shoulders of…the Boy Scouts.

That’s right, the Boy Scouts of America are responsible for the fattening of our youth. How do I know? Last week the BSA announced they were awarding a new merit badge for…get this…video games. Aye caramba! Once the bastion of everything outdoors – from whittling and fire making to killing a bear with dental floss, the Boy Scouts now award kids for sitting on their asses. What’s next, a merit badge for television trivia?

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Daddy's War Bucks

Ya know, I get a lot of flak from the “tinfoil hat” crowd over their assertions that I have a bromance with the ‘Bamer. Heck-fire, it’s kinda funny considering I’ve never been a fan of no man. But they’ve got to understand that after the eight years we had of Chimp Dick and Dr. Evil, anyone woulda been better. That said, Barry-O has been pissing in my Corn Flakes lately.



When Prezzy B. was running for office, he promised to end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. He promptly did the douchebag move and forgot about getting out of Iraq. And now, he’s considering escalating in Afghanistan. He says he wants the U.S. to stay ‘til the job is done. Aye caramba! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Afghanistan is where empires go to die. And we’re gonna be there ‘til America, as a country, isn’t any better than Finland (apologies to my Finnish brotherhubbards). Yo Barry-O, you wanna get the job done? How ‘bout spending some of that free money on creating jobs here at home and less money on making new terrorists?



The other thing that’s cheesing me off about Chocolate JZeus, is his reticence on healthcare reform. Look, y’all aren’t gonna get one vote from the tighty-righties, so why not “pull a Bush” on ‘em and ram the motherhubbard down their throats anyway? I know, I know, you’re gonna get republicans sayin’ we can’t afford it and that they don’t want a government-cheese bureaucrat making people’s health decisions. Question:



Why is it that we have unlimited trillions of dollars to blow up brown-skinded brothers in far away lands but we don’t have enough money to help our own poor, sick and dying? Next time I hear a politician waxing poetic about America being a “Christian nation,” I’m gonna break my foot off in his John Brown hindpot. True dat.



And last question: Yo republicans! Y’all say you are against bureaucrats meddling in a person’s medical choices. So how come y’all keep sticking your anglo-bourgie cracker noses into a woman’s lawful right to choose? Hypocrites.



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Repeating History

Happy Veteran's Day

Here's one for all who serve our country. Sorry that you have to be in the Suck. Just remember, the 'Bamer promised to get y'all the hell outta there. We're still waiting mister President.

Nothing Beats a Dick

Every time Dr. Evil opens his lie-hole I wanna puke. Yo Dick...you've done enough already. Thanks a lot. But you've got no more juice pachuco! Take your non-lesbian daughter and crawl back into that black, warmongering, paranoid hole you crawled out of. Americans aren't buying your bullshit anymore. Well...maybe Faux News is...but we're not. True dat.

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Palin Comparison

There’s a lot of buzz goin’ ‘round about how fast VPILF Sarah Palin wrote her memoirs. C’mon guys…don’t you know that hot air and bullshit flow outta her lie-hole like black gold out of Jed Clampett’s back yard? True dat.

I saw Rep. John Boehner today talkin’ about the Barry-O’s lack of a clear plan in Afghanistan. SHEESH! Yo Bone-Thug…where was you condescending tone and righteous indignation when the Bush-Wipe started this clusterfuck? Oh right. He’s your boy. You want a strategy for Afghanistan? Get the fuck out. It sure would be better than what we have now.

And finally…a couple of weeks back a bunch of Catholic bishops thumbed their noses at the ‘Bamer’s proposed healthcare plan. Since the cadre of Padres is opposed to abortion, they’ve got to weigh that against their concerns about social justice. So they’re against the whole thing. SHEESH! Talk about a one trick pony. Yo Catholic Bishops…you might not support abortion (just like I don’t support y’all pedophilin’ with altar boys) but I’m gonna ask y’all the same question I’ve been askin’ for years. Would JZeus support Universal Healthcare? I’m betting he would.


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Don't Ask Don't (Show and) Tell

I never understood the hypocrisy of the U.S. military when it comes to my gay brothers and sisters serving in the armed forces. After all, it is one of the highest callings for someone to volunteer to protect the good ol’ USo’A. But critics, puritans, religious zealots, homophobes and tinfoil hat wearin’ looney tunes still think gays shouldn’t be able to serve. And “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is as big a fucked up mess as you can imagine. But now, there’s hope.

Last week, Pentagon brass called for an end to the U.S. military's ban on allowing women to serve in submarines. YAY! I cheer because the same argument used to keep women from serving on submarines, is the same argument the cracker-assed crackers use to keep gays from serving. The line goes, “When the shit hits the fan, you don’t want to worry if the guy in your foxhole is checking out your ass or if he’s shooting at the bad guys.” I always thought that if you are having sexual thoughts when you’re in a firefight, you’ve seen the movie Crash one too many times. That being said, if the U.S. Navy thinks it’s O.K. for men and women to “hot bunk” together on submarines, then it should be O.K. for gays to serve anywhere in the military they want. Sex is no longer the issue.

Besides…gay peoples should have the same right to get their asses blown off in these two bullshit, pointless, unwinnable clusterfucks just as much as straight peeps do, neh? Heck-fire…even more. Most places in the U.S. deny gay couples the right to get married, the right to receive partner benefits and even the right to adopt kids. So, gays volunteering to defend America against the bad guys are defending a country that denies them basic civil rights. And that’s wrong in too many ways.

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Airheads

Over the weekend 22-year-old Steven Hinton won the Reno Championship Air Races Unlimited Gold division piloting his P-51 Mustang, Strega, at more than 490mph. The headline read…”Reno Air Races close with historic victory.” You know what I thought when I read that story? When P-51’s were out there in R/L, waxing Zeroes and poppin’ caps at the Luftwaffe they were being flown by kids just as young, and younger, than Hinton. There is a reason those brotherhubbbards are called the “Greatest Generation.” They were twentysomethings and they were flying life or death missions in the greatest war of the 20th Century. Nowadays, 21-year-olds are most likely still living with mommy and daddy and workin’ at the drive thru of some greasy burger joint. Sad.



Speaking of sad. Gen. Stanley McChrystal has requested an additional 30,000-40,000 U.S. troops for the war in Afghanistan. StMcC says that if he doesn’t get the requested troops, the war in Afghanistan will be lost. So, what’s so sad? Sad is the fact that thousands more brave American soldiers will be put in harm’s way for this sham of a war. Sad is Bowe Bergdahl is still being held prisoner by the bad guys and no one seems to care. But saddest of all, is the fact that Stanley McChrystal, a fucking American general, has no idea that we’ve already lost the war in Afghanistan. And the chucklenut is either too blind or too stupid to realize it. SHEESH!




And finally…here we go again. The headline in today’s RGJ blared, “Region to get a new slogan.” Seems the RSCVA wants to boost visitor numbers and they think a new slogan will do the trick. Yeah, that always works. Now, I know what you’re sayin’, “The RSCVA has someone on board who thinks? Hardly. We did this a couple of months ago when the City of Sparks wanted to change their nickname from the “Rail City” to something like, “City of the Blowing Tulips.” GAWD! So, I guess if the RSCVA thinks “America’s Adventure Place” isn’t “cool or hip enough” of a slogan…I humbly offer my suggestions…


Reno… ‘Vegas’ ugly stepsister.”

“Reno…it’s not just for old ladies playing nickel slots anymore. We’ve got penny slots too!”

“Reno…what happens here is just more expensive than when it happens at home.”

“Drought? What drought? There’s no stinking drought!”

“Reno…we’ve got both kinds of music…country and western!”



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Shoe Shoe Sh-Boogie

Well, the brotherhubbard who airmailed his Air Jordans at the Bush-Wipe is getting outta jail soon. While in the slammer, Muntadhar al-Zeid was treated like a hero by the other prisoners. When he gets out, he'll be treated like a God. Anyone who says invading Iraq was a good idea needs a hush puppy up the side of his head. WTF were we thinking? Oh, that's right...we weren't.


Funny (or maybe not)...had we not invaded Iraq, we'd only be in one unwinnable war right now instead of two.


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L7 Squared

Ya know…I hate to tell y’all I told ya so but, “I told ya so!” Earlier this week, the general in charge of American troops in Afghanistan said that we’ve gotta re-think our strategy in that conflict. No shit, Captain Obvious. Problem is, like I said before, no matter what plan we put in place, short of nuking the whole country into bolivia, is gonna end up with the same result. Mujahedeen – 5 The Rest of the World – 0. Remember your history peeps…Afghanistan is where empires go to die. And the American empire is getting’ ready to take a dirt nap on this one.



The thing that really sucks, though (as if the loss of our standing in the world isn’t enough) is that the Government-Cheese doesn’t even realize that awful reality. As a matter-of-fact, yesterday former director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, said that we’d have to change our thoughts on what victory in Afghanistan means. When they start moving the goal posts in the middle of the game, you know you’re screwed. Ridge said victory in Afghanistan would mean rebuilding that country. Aye caramba! Is that really what you think T.R.?



I’m gonna say this again but I know it’ll fall on deaf ears. Alexander the Great tried, Genghis Kahn tried, the Roman Empire, the British Empire and the Soviet Union all tried to invade Afghanistan. They all failed. Now, we’ve tried and failed too. But that isn’t even the worst part. The worst part is that chuckleheads like Tom Ridge want to spend more time and effort and lives and treasure “rebuilding” Afghanistan. Guess what guys, rebuilding Afghanistan is an oxymoron. How can you rebuild a country that, at its political and cultural apex was still wallowing in the fourth century? SHEESH!




BTW…out of all the news coming out of Afghanistan lately, contractors bein' wack-jobs, again…IED’s blowin’ the bejeezus out of our troops and such, you haven’t heard one peep about Beau Bergdahl. Hello…where are all the patriots now? Or were they even patriots in the first place?


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Adieu Harry Patch

There was a reason they called WWI the “War to End All Wars.” It was a nightmare. Eight million soldiers and seven million civilians were killed. Twenty-two million soldiers and countless civilians were injured. That’s just flat-out nasty. How do I know? Because I knew what was on the mind of Harry Patch and over the weekend, Harry Patch died. Patch was the last man alive who actually fought in the trenches in WWI. At 111 years old, he’d lived a long life but what struck people most about Harry Patch was his vigorous anti-war stance. He didn’t even talk about his experiences ‘til he was 100. But once he hit the century mark, he let loose, calling war, “…organized murder and nothing else.” Since Patch had first-hand experience with the nastiness that is war, you’d think people would have listened to him. You’d be wrong.

As we speak, the United States has 140,000 troops fighting in Iraq. In Afghanistan, we’ve got 50,000. Two wars, for the wrong reasons, against the wrong people. Hell, the United States has military personnel in almost forty foreign countries! WTF do we need our soldiers in fucking Norway? Are we protecting ‘em from the Swedes? In regard to Patch, Prince “I am NOT Gay” Charles said, “The Great War is a chapter in our history we must never forget, so many sacrifices were made, so many young lives lost.” No shit Chuck, ya think?

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple: War is one messed up motherhubbard and we, as the human race, should have grown out of it by now. But we haven’t learned a damned thing. Politicians and Government Cheese-Dicks suckle from the teat of the military-industrial complex just to get reelected…all the while perpetuating wars as “necessary.” They talk all patriotic about the sacrifices our heroic young people make then, they keep sending ‘em out to die. The thing is, soldiers do what their told. So, now it’s time politicians quit telling them to make the ultimate sacrifice and bring ‘em all home. They might not live to be 111 like Harry Patch…but at least, they’d have a chance. besides, nobody wants to be stationed in Norway.

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Told Ya So

A couple of months ago, The Department of Homeland Security released a report warning about domestic terrorism that could be perpetrated by U.S. soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. The right-wing nut jobs threw a collective hissy fit. “How dare DHS, accuse American soldiers of such things?” said FatBoy. Tinfoil hat model, Glenn Beck, even went so far as to call for the resignation of DHS director Janet Napolitano. “She owes those brave soldiers an apology.” He babbled.

Well guess what? The report was right. The right? As usual, they were wrong.

Nationally, at least 121 Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans have committed a killing in the United States or been charged in one. Vets coming home from multiple tours are suffering from PTSD at staggering rates. Yet we hear nothing from the political hacks and government-cheese dicks who claim they “support our troops.” Yo, John “Able Semen” Ensign…quit playin’ with yer doodle and start payin’ attention!

When a teenager enlists in say, the National Guard, they’re promised one weekend a month and two weeks a year doin’ their Guard stuff. Nowadays, those same soldiers are ordered to multiple deployments in The Suck to situations that are untenable.

You know it…I know it. We’re not gonna win the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. They’re both turnin’ out just like Vietnam. And just like back in the ‘60’s – right-wing, war-mongering, saber rattling politicians keep sending our troops overseas to die and forgetting them the minute they step back on American soil. Every day we’re at “war,” we’re losing blood and treasure and our standing in the eyes of the world. Here’s hoping the next election provides us all a chance to rid ourselves of politicians who have no clue about how to protect the American people…or American soldiers.

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The American Way?

The first detainee from Gitmo got his day in court yesterday. Ahmed Ghailani (who looks like he's about ten years old) has been in U.S. custody for five fuckin’ years without a trial or charges. That’s good news to real Americans out there. Why? ‘Cause in the land of the free and the home of the brave, we’re not supposed to toss people in the dungeon and throw away the key. That’s not the way we roll. Alas…President Barack Hussein Obama didn’t get that memo. Read on…

The USo’A is sending seventeen Uighurs, formerly at Gitmo, to the island nation of Palau. Palau agreed to take the men in exchange for two hundred million U.S. dollars even though there is a large Uighur population in D.C. that desperately wants to take in their brothers. Two hundred million…that comes to $11,764,705.88 per Uighur. Tell you what Barry-O…PTB will take a couple of those bad boys for eleven mil apiece. Heck-fire…they can shack up in the ‘rent’s basement with us and we’ll have a good ole time. Easy to do with that kinda scratch.

The BSC motherhubbard who’s accused of murdering one soldier and wounding another last week in front of a recruiting station says he did it in retaliation for what our military is doing in Iraq and Afghanistan. Question: The dude was born and raised here in the U.S. If the guy is this pissed off at his own countrymen…how pissed off you think the people who actually live (and die) in Afghanistan and Iraq are? For every one person we kill over there, ten more terrorists are born.

American citizens Walter Myers and his wife, Gwendolyn have been charged with spying for Cuba for the past thirty years. We’ve gotta ask…WTF kind of information were they sending Fidel and the boys? Cuba is as bass-ackward now as in the 1970’s so it’s not like they got any good intel.

And finally…we read a story yesterday sayin’ that the ‘Bamer mentions JZeus more often in public than the Bush-Wipe ever did. Yo, Barry-O…pResident Bush wore his religion like Zsa Zsa wearin’ a fur coat. It didn’t do any good. Why? Because GWB is about as Christian as Scooby Doo. You wanna show the SOG how Christian you really are? Show him what you’re doin’ to the guys at Gitmo. Whadda you think he’ll say?



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H2OBoard Meeting

A while back, disgraced baseball slugger Mark McGwire testified before Congress about his alleged steroid usage. McGwire wussed out by saying he wanted to look forward, not backward. Way to man-up fat boy!

Last week, Dodger owner Frank McCourt was asked whether or not ManRam should be voted on to the MLB All-Star team. McCourt’s reply? He said that we shouldn’t look backward on Manny’s steroid use; we should only look forward to him coming back. Dude must’ve been a great dodgeball player in junior high.

Two excellent examples of not answering the question. And now for the shitty example…

Last week, President Obama was asked why he decided not to release pictures of prisoners, allegedly, being tortured at Guantanamo Bay. His response? You guessed it…the ‘Bamer said that releasing the pictures would be akin to looking backward while he is intent on looking forward.

Now, it’s a perfectly acceptable cop-out for a sports owner or jock-strap to dance around a question like that. But for the man elected to change the way America has been operating for the last eight years, it is an unacceptable answer. Today, Barry-O is flyin’ to the Middle East and he could go a long way in repairing our image abroad if he’d admit that America tortured detainees, if he’d admit that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and Iraq were/are wrong and that we will prosecute war criminals – whoever they are. Problem is, he won’t do it. The tighty-righties would crucify him if he did.

Nope…the guy they call “The Anointed One” is just another political hack, coverin’ his political ass and doin’ whatever he can to stay in political power. Americans voted for Barry-O because they wanted change. All they got was the same old excuses coming out of a different lie-hole. That’s just sad.

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Awkward Christian Soldiers

Christians who believe in the war against global extremism, that torture is not a crime and that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are both justified have got to stop referring to the Old Testament.



A report out from GQ magazine says that former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld headlined intelligence briefings for pResident Bush with militaristic bible verses. Most of them were from the Old Testament. Wonder why?



Ya see, JZeus’ Dad in the O.T. was one mean, cantankerous, pissed off, S.O.B. Damn…he kept Moses out of the promised land. He turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt. He let his boy Job get munched by Moby Dick. There was myriad fire and brimstone and plagues and that sort of stuff. Aye caramba, that Dude was the God of war! Then, along comes Junior. Remember him? Apparently, Mr. Rumsfeld does not.



Read a couple of books from the New Testament. Know what you’ll find? Through and through, JZeus preaches tolerance, and love, and peace. He’s the exact polar opposite of His Old man. Surely, if the SOG were alive today, Rumsfeld and his ilk would brand him a pacifist…a coward…or worse…FRENCH!



It’s always a turd in the punchbowl when people kill in the name of their God but the right-wing nut cases, who claim America is a Christian nation, continually do things that would have JZeus spinning in His grave. So, which is it? Are you a true Christian Rummy, or is all that religion stuff just something y’all trot out to ease your conscience? We bet the latter.



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