Haim Highs and Lo-Hans

Former child star Corey Haim took a dirt nap last night and everyone seems caught off guard. Let me get this straight...he becomes rich and famous beyond imagination at a very young age, throws it all away on alcohol and drugs and nasty-assed monkey sex with groupies and y'all are surprised? The only thing surprising about this story is that it didn't happen earlier.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over their Super Bowl commercial. L2’s lawyers say that the use of the name Lindsay in the spot is a direct reference to her because “many celebrities are known by one name only.” They’re right. Madonna…Cher…Pele and the like are so famous they are known by one name. Lindsay Lohan? Fuckin’-A lady…no one over the age of thirty or under the age of twenty-five even know who the hell you are. This smells like a frivolous lawsuit brought by an egocentric publicity hound. Yo LoLo…don’t quit your day job. That is, if you even have one. Hope you saved your money, toots!

And lastly today. A new poll out says that most Americans believe God is involved in their everyday lives and is concerned with their personal well-being. Really? Isn’t this the 21^st Century? Look guys. If there was an Invisible Man in the Sky who gave a schnizzle about your personal well-being, don’t you think he’d lower your cholesterol, drop those extra pounds, get you a better paying job and stop that Kenyan-born, socialist, Marxist, fascist, secret Muslim from passing healthcare? He sure would. But since there isn’t…He won’t. Get over it folks…we’re all on our own and there’s nothing that JZeus’ Dad can, or will, do about it.

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Pat That Ass

Poor fuckin’ Haiti. SHEESH. Talk about gettin’ kicked when you’re down. YOW! A couple of things are bothering me about this situation…

Did you know that when you make a Haiti relief donation with your credit card that American Express, Visa and Master card are gonna take three percent right off the top as a “transaction fee?” Aye caramba! A computer makes the money transfer automatically and these ass-wipes charge three percent. They’re gonna make millions off of this natural disaster. Those bourgie rat-bastard moneychangers have a special place in Hell waiting for ‘em. True dat.

Speaking of special places in Hell….Pat Robertson is in the news again. Now y’all might be sayin’ to yourselves, “Pat Robertson isn’t takin’ a dirt nap yet?” Nope. Robertson, yappin’ on his T.V. show, said that Haiti got popped by God because they’d made a deal with the Devil. WTF is up with that?

Question #1: Let’s say Pat Robertson is right (HAW!)…If Haiti made a deal with the Devil, why didn’t Beelzebub hold up His end of the bargain? If Robertson is right (another HAW!) how come the Invisible Man in the Sky didn’t pull a Sodom and Gomorah on ‘em?

And question #2: If Robertson is wrong (yeah…IF)…why aren’t all the REAL Christians in the world calling for his head on a platter? Robertson seems to open his lie-hole every time something bad happens and the only thing that comes out is hateful, bullshit. Hey Christians…your leader is flappin’ his yap again and makin’ y’all look like racist, xenophobic, hate-mongers. Problem is…y’all (or most of y’all, anyway) ARE hate-filled, petty and racist. You’re all just too blind to see it. Now you can imagine why Christians were burned at the stake and fed to the lions…y’all deserve it. Well, at least Pat Robertson does. Jzeus mush be spinning in His grave.

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Socialism at Work

You see...if you say you're against socialism,
you're against cops
and firefighters
and teachers
and our socialized military.


You want to keep giving your money to the fat-cat insurance companies? Go right ahead. But I'd rather those moneychangers get kicked to the curb.


You know who the insurance industry sounds like nowadays? The guys who used to make buggy whips that started whining when the car was invented. Don't worry folks...with a little bit of luck, that industry will soon be taking a dirt nap. True dat.


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L7 Squared

Ya know…I hate to tell y’all I told ya so but, “I told ya so!” Earlier this week, the general in charge of American troops in Afghanistan said that we’ve gotta re-think our strategy in that conflict. No shit, Captain Obvious. Problem is, like I said before, no matter what plan we put in place, short of nuking the whole country into bolivia, is gonna end up with the same result. Mujahedeen – 5 The Rest of the World – 0. Remember your history peeps…Afghanistan is where empires go to die. And the American empire is getting’ ready to take a dirt nap on this one.



The thing that really sucks, though (as if the loss of our standing in the world isn’t enough) is that the Government-Cheese doesn’t even realize that awful reality. As a matter-of-fact, yesterday former director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, said that we’d have to change our thoughts on what victory in Afghanistan means. When they start moving the goal posts in the middle of the game, you know you’re screwed. Ridge said victory in Afghanistan would mean rebuilding that country. Aye caramba! Is that really what you think T.R.?



I’m gonna say this again but I know it’ll fall on deaf ears. Alexander the Great tried, Genghis Kahn tried, the Roman Empire, the British Empire and the Soviet Union all tried to invade Afghanistan. They all failed. Now, we’ve tried and failed too. But that isn’t even the worst part. The worst part is that chuckleheads like Tom Ridge want to spend more time and effort and lives and treasure “rebuilding” Afghanistan. Guess what guys, rebuilding Afghanistan is an oxymoron. How can you rebuild a country that, at its political and cultural apex was still wallowing in the fourth century? SHEESH!




BTW…out of all the news coming out of Afghanistan lately, contractors bein' wack-jobs, again…IED’s blowin’ the bejeezus out of our troops and such, you haven’t heard one peep about Beau Bergdahl. Hello…where are all the patriots now? Or were they even patriots in the first place?


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Ted's Dead Baby...Ted's Dead

So Teddy-K is takin’ a dirt nap. Ya know…if any of us regular chucklenuts out here woulda got brain cancer like he did, with the healthcare system we’ve got in the USo’A, we’d all be bankrupt now. No such worries for Ted’s fam, though…he got free medical insurance the minute he was elected to office. That’s forty years of free, taxpayer-supported, top-of-the-line socialized medical treatment. Funny, the politicians who spout off about how bad socialized medicine is are the same ones who have the government-cheese pay for everything. Hypocrites.

A list of who’s happiest that TK kicked the bucket:

1. John Ensign’s parents
2. Mark Sanford’s wee wee
3. Michael Jackson’s doctor
4. Michael Vick’s new teammates
5. Jim Gibbons’ Stimulus Czar
6. Anyone related to Mary Jo Kopechne

But you know who suffers most from this 24 hour news cycle of constantly changing stories? Our brave men and women in uniform. It’s bad enough bein’ in the suck that is Iraq and Afghanistan for no good reason other than to get your ass shot off. But those poor bastards are so yesterday’s story that four of ‘em can get IED’ed in one day and it doesn’t even make the news. Oh yeah…and Beau Bergdahl…GET BACK SOON BEAU! These rat-bastard politicians say they support our troops, now is the time that you see it’s just that…only words.


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Gun Nutless

If girls don’t like you…

if you can’t get a date…

and you haven’t done the horizontal mambo since 1984…

I know your problem. You’re spending way too much time dickin’ around with your computer and your blog and your Facebook account. If the BSC motherhubbard in the PA had spent more time learnin’ the ways of the fairer sex and less time in his friggin’ basement surfing the internet and diddlin’ with his peepee, he’d have hisself a girlfriend right now. Instead, he’s takin’ a dirt nap. Which reminds me…

If you’re a loser…or you’re mad at the world…or you have massive debts…and you wanna off yourself, please go right ahead. But there is no need to pop a cap in someone else first. I’m tellin’ ya…if there is a Hell, George Sodini has him a special room there…and he deserves it.

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Replacement Theory

While Senator John “The Wad” Ensign’s career hasn’t officially taken a dirt nap, don’t worry, he’ll be workin’ at the Arby’s drive thru soon enough. What’s scaring the bejeezus outta some people is that when Ensign does leave the Senate, Nevada’s own Governor, Jim “Read My Lips” Gibbons, is gonna get to pick the replacement. Aye caramba. Last time Gibbons had a good idea; Teddy Roosevelt was skinny. So, in the spirit of goodwill all Silver Staters have toward one another, we’re gonna help GJG. Hell…we’ll even do it in three words:



Senator. Dawn. Gibbons.




Now, before your head explodes Guv, let me explain. Your ex-wife, Dawn is a Republican, an experienced politician and a conservative. Just like Soon-to-be former Senator John (Able-Semen) Ensign. Those are the big three you’ll be lookin’ for in a replacement anyway. But the best part? You’ll be sending your ex into the hornets’ nest that is D.C. politics. If she does well, you’ll start to look less like the douchebag we’ve all come to know and laugh at. If she tanks? You’ll have had the rare chance of stickin’ it to your ex without all those expensive lawyerin’ fees. So, be da man Gib and give yer ol’ sweetie the job. And to the soon-to-be new Senator from the great state of Nevada we say… “Yo Dawn…you remember me dontcha? Drop me a call and we’ll hook up again. I hear-tell that D.C. is beautiful in the summer and you're gonna need an escort so...I'm volunteerin'.



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Pig Out

Doesn’t it seem that we’re overreacting just a bit to this sick pig business? C’mon guys, let’s get realistic here. More than 20,000 Americans die every year from the friggin’ regular flu but you don’t see Homeland Security goin all BSC ‘cause o’ that, do ya? Maybe they’ll make one of those color-coded threat charts for cold and flu season. “OMG! Swine flu outbreak! Raise the threat level to periwinkle!”


It’s time to chill the hell out. It seems that the last eight years of Bush-Wipe politics has the whole country scared shitless at the tiniest thing. Do we really need all this gnashing of teeth and rending of garments over the anticipation of a pandemic?

One interesting thing to come out of all this…the Muslims sure are happy. Figurin’ this outbreak started in Mexico, the tighty-righties are clamoring for the U.S. to close the border and start deporting Mexicans. It’ll take at least six months before Muslims get back to the top of the haters’shit- list.



BTW…you think WE’RE freakin’ out? The government of Egypt has ordered every pig in the entire country to be killed. 300,000 Egyptian pigs takin' a dirt nap. And they don’t even have one reported case of swine flu. Aye Caramba! We’ll expect the Egyptians to follow suit the next time someone gets bird flu, mad cow disease or chickenpox. But it’ll really get BSC if the motherhubbards do the same thing for their first reported case of Lyme disease.




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Neva-DUH

He WAS one of the most popular right-wing nut jobs in a state full of right wing nut jobs. So why is everyone pissin’ and moanin’ ‘bout Governor Gibbons payin’ his staff more money than they’re supposed to get? GJG knows what he’s doin’…just look at the state of the State.



If Gibby wants low level, troglodyte, minimum wage earning state workers to take a pay cut to help the budget crisis, so be it. Pay his own staff above and beyond what’s allowed? So be that too. Problem with that is, come November, Gibbons’ political career will be taking a dirt nap. The brotherhubbard is gonna get fewer votes than Gary Coleman. Too bad we have to wait.



No worries for GJG, though…after politics he can always get a job running A.I.G. After all, they're gonna be lookin' for someone to screw that company farther into the toilet. Gibby, you're up.



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Crossing Guards

One of the true joys we get here at PTB is poking fun at Utah…our neighbors to the east. No matter what the joke, if you use the Beehive State as the punchline, you’ll get a laugh every time. Check it:



When a UHP officer takes a dirt nap, the Utah Highway Patrol Association puts up a cross to mark the spot. The cross is adorned with the highway patrol's logo and a small plaque with a photo and short biography of the fallen trooper, as well as the trooper's name, rank, badge number and year of death. So WTF is the problem?



A bunch of Godless Atheists from Texas got together and sued the state of Utah saying crosses are religious symbols. Utahans disagree. A joint resolution by the Utah Legislature in 2006 declared the cross a nonreligious, secular symbol of death. Now, y’all don’t need lawyers or judges to decide this one, just a bit of common sense.



First of all, if a dead UHP officer was Jewish or Muslim would the state of Utah erect a Star of David or a Holy Crescent? No? Strike one.



Secondly, is the cross a secular symbol of death? Nope. The cross symbolizes JZeus and Christianity. The secular symbol of death? Skull and Crossbones. Believe it. Strike two.



And lastly, try this experiment. Roll on up to the Utah Statehouse with your cross and start rubbing your butt on it. Even better…pull a Regan MacNeil with it. AYE CARAMBA! Wanna know what’d happen? You’d be in jail faster than A-Fraud can fake a hip injury. Strike three. Yer out!



The State of Utah might say that crosses are secular. Too bad they don’t practice what they preach.



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Ain't Myth-Behavin'

Nevada is losing a good one this time. State Archivist Guy Rocha is calling it quits after 28 years on the job. Guy was known ‘round these parts as “Nevada’s mythbuster.” The brotherhubbard consistently debunks legends and old stories and even history lessons that pop up about the Silver State. The dude truly knows his stuff. But now that Guy’s career is takin’ a dirt nap, we’re steppin’ in and takin’ over as Nevada’s NEW “mythbusters.” We start today.

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Nevada and Famous Nevadans

10. The only all-male brothel in Nevada history closed in 1962 because customers kept asking for their money back.

9. “Nevada” isn’t Spanish for “snow-covered,” snow-covered is English for “Nevada.”

8. Nevada’s state fossil is the Ichthyosaur. Second place in the voting? State Senator Bill Raggio.

7. Originally, Nevada was to be named “South Idaho.”

6. Reno Mayor Bob Cashell was the inspiration behind the Star Wars character “Yoda.”

5. The greatest sports hero to come out of Nevada is table tennis legend Randy Daytona.

4. University of Nevada athletic teams are called the Wolf Pack. In the 1920’s, they were known as the Pooters.

3. On a clear day, you can see Russia from the top of the Reno Arch.

2. Nevada was admitted to the Union because Abraham Lincoln lost a Super Bowl bet.

1. Guy Rocha invented the roach clip, the roach motel and Family Guy.




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A Million to One

Times are tough here in the 775. Few people are eating out at restaurants, fewer people are gambling and everyone seems to be pinching pennies. Everyone, that is, except the New York Yankees. So when SK Baseball rolls up to the Reno City Council and asks for millions more in tax dollars we just wanna fusticate something.



SK Baseball wants to build three restaurants and three nightclubs in the city’s new entertainment district which also happens to contain their new baseball stadium. Problem is, they don’t have the money and they want us to give it to ‘em.



Question: If you owned a restaurant or a nightclub in the area, would you want to spend your money financing the very competition that’ll soon drive you out of business? Probably not.



Problem is, Mayor Bob Cashell and the rest of the bobbleheads on the Council are more likely than not to rubberstamp the idea. Why? Because helping developers crap all over the area with their strip malls and entertainment districts is what they do. Help the little guy? Not a chance. Give millions of dollars to bourgie rich motherhubbards? Well, that’s how politicians get reelected.



Here’s one solution for SK Baseball: The New York Yankees are paying just four players a combined $800 million. That’s more money than a lot of countries make. Major league baseball is rolling in dough. Why don’t y’all go ask used car salesman Bud Selig to fork you some scratch? Any politician willing to give that kind of money to a developer should have his or her career take a dirt nap.

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Cold Turkey

Black Friday. Great name for a day. Pretty depressing, though.

Death.

Destruction.

50% OFF ALL JUNIOR SWIMWEAR!

Guess its better than Boxing Day.

Ya know…you could do your own…

The day before Valentines Day could be: “WTF Are You Gonna Buy For Your Materialistic, Hard-To-Please, Bourgie Motherhubbard Euphemism? Day.”

The day after New Year’s Eve could be: “Walk of Shame Day” or maybe…”Technicolor Yawn Day.”

You could go even further…

The month before Black History Month could be: “Create Your Own W.E.B. Du Bois Combination Decoupage/Diorama Month.”

The three days after Labor Day could always be: “Lazy It Up at Work for Pay Just Like You Lazy It Up at Home for Free Days.”

The three days after Memorial Day? How ‘bout: “Patriotism Takes a Dirt Nap Days” or maybe “Who Were Those Guys? Days”

Nah…too depressing. How, ‘bout…

50% OFF ALL JUNIOR SWIMWEAR! Days.

Yeah...much better than Boxing Day.

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Thank Full

Thanksgiving, the day we all get together with people we don’t like, eating crap we don’t need while wasting away the equivalent of what a poor family eats in a friggin’ month…don’t believe us?

Click Here.

What else is there to be thankful for today?

We’re thankful that we’re not bellboys in Mumbai.

We’re thankful we’re not in the suck.

We’re thankful we’re not Sarah Palin’s backdrop…

or the Detroit Football Lions...

But most of all, we’re thankful that, finally, Reno 9-11 caught the Bad Guy. Here’s hoping for justice and that this BSC rat-bastard will be eating Thanksgiving Dinner in his 3x3 ‘til its time to take a dirt nap.

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Yogi Wants A Doughnut

So, VPILF Sarah Palin is related to the late Princess Diana. Hmmm…do you think if the McCain/Palin ticket wins the White House and Senator McRelic takes a dirt nap, that the Governor will take over and declare herself Queen of the United States? Palin is also related to FDR but don't look for her to get us out of the depression Chimp-Dick got us into. That's not her style.







Shhh….listen. Can you hear it? No? Neither can we. That cone of silence is Bill and Hillary Clinton campaigning for the ‘Bamer. Sure they wanted change in the White House…they just wanted it to be them moving back in. Hey guys…the ‘90’s are OVER. Sore. Losers.

The RGJ conducted a poll that says Skeevy Dean Heller is leading Jill “I’ve lived in Nevada for a hundred years” Derby. Another poll shows Senator McDust Bucket leading the ‘Bamer here in the 775. Question: are the people of Northern Nevada dumb, racist, oblivious to history or just plain BSC? Here’s hoping it’s the latter.



And finally…



Former Nevada hoops standout Kirk Snyder can’t seem to get a job in the big show. He’s lookin’ at ballin’ in either Europe or Asia. Hey Nick Fazekas! Hey JaVale McGee! Y’all payin’ attention? Sure hope y’all save yer money. Elswise you’ll both be back here in the 775 trapping bears.



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