Johnny Souled Out

Yesterday we riffed on Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and the meanderings of his doodle. Yo Johnny…who on your staff you think JZeus would bang? Ensign has said he isn’t gonna resign from the Senate, which is bad. But things might not be in his hands, which is good.



Ya see, while Ensign is a hypocrite for horn-doggin’ the help while at the same exact time opposing same-sex marriage, that isn’t illegal. Fucked up repugnant…but perfectly legal. No, what’s gonna get “Long” John Ensign’s nutsack in a sling is the fact that he:


Doubled the pay of his paramour during the affair…


Gave her cuckold an administrative assistant gig and paid him almost $250,000 during the affair…


AND gave their l’il shaver more than five grand for "research policy consulting." And the kid is nineteen fuckin’ years old. Aye caramba!



No…Johnny “Trouser Trout” Ensign won’t get tossed outta the Senate for bein’ a hypocritical rat-bastard but he’ll be workin’ at the drive-thru soon enough after the feds find out about all that hush money he floated. We’ll make you a deal Senator “Able Semen” Ensign. If we ever move outta the ‘rent’s basement and get us a girlfriend, we’ll let you bang her for pennies on the dollar. Hell, we won’t even tell our gay friends. Deal?



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Why WE Fight

A lot of our friends on the right side of the aisle read PTB and call us “Commie-Pinko Socialists.” Our friends on the left side of the aisle read PTB and call us fascist. Actually, it’s neither. What we try to do here, is find the right in all the wrongs and point ‘em both out. Today, however, it’s just the wrong.

We can all agree…

Hitler was a prick…

Saddam Hussein was a prick with a slightly bigger porn 'stache…

Manuel Noriega was a fat prick with bad skin…

And Agusto Pinochet was a South American prick extraordinaire.

What does that have to do with us?



The ‘Bamer’s Administration announced today that they’re not gonna prosecute CIA agents involved in torturing captives at Gitmo. WTF is up with that? It used to be that the USo’A had the moral high ground to pronounce judgments on rat-bastards like Hitler et al., but not anymore. Now we’ve joined the ranks of the pricks too because America TORTURES people!



Now, before y’all go red white and blue in the face about this, just think of this…


Many Americans consider this a “Christian” nation (mostly our Christians but that’s the crux of a different biscuit). What we’re getting at is this: If America is indeed a Christian nation, WTF are we doing torturing people? Although a better question might be…Does the Invisible Man in the Sky condone torture? No, he doesn’t. But America tortures and lets the perps get away with it. That kind of attitude makes us just the same as the bat-shit crazy motherhubbards mentioned above. Christian nation? Hell no. And every time someone says we are, JZeus starts spinning in His grave.



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Limit-Less

Back in the 1990’s when the lunatic fringe swept into power, Newt Gingrich and his ilk came up with a load of crap called the “Contract With America.” One of the ideas in the contract was that of term limits. When we heard the words coming out of the Newtster’s lie-hole, our collective sphincters tightened so much you coulda put a lump of coal up our asses and we’d have shat diamonds…but that’s the crux of another biscuit.



Tighty-righties from coast to coast preached to a lethargic U.S. public about term limits and Americans bought it hook, line and sinker. Next thing you know, state after state (including Nevada) passed some form of term limits. We yelled. We cursed the heavens. We pointed out that we already had term limits – don’t like the politician? Vote the rat-bastard out of office! Alas, like most of our rants, no one listened.



But now, Senator Maurice Washington, a REPUBLICAN, wants to repeal the law on term limits. Why the change of heart? Right wing nut jobs nowadays are as popular as turd sandwiches. They’re not just worried that they’re losing votes, they’re worried that they might never win another election. Ever. So here’s the point we wanna make to Senator MoMo: If term limits are bad, why’d your party support them in the first place? Two elections in a row, a majority of Nevadans voted for term limits and now you wanna circumvent that process? Tell you what…you’re gonna be workin’ at the drive-thru pretty soon anyway ‘cause of those term limits. Why don’t you STFU and get down to business on the serious issues facing Nevada. Term limits aren’t one of ‘em.




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Thank Full

Thanksgiving, the day we all get together with people we don’t like, eating crap we don’t need while wasting away the equivalent of what a poor family eats in a friggin’ month…don’t believe us?

Click Here.

What else is there to be thankful for today?

We’re thankful that we’re not bellboys in Mumbai.

We’re thankful we’re not in the suck.

We’re thankful we’re not Sarah Palin’s backdrop…

or the Detroit Football Lions...

But most of all, we’re thankful that, finally, Reno 9-11 caught the Bad Guy. Here’s hoping for justice and that this BSC rat-bastard will be eating Thanksgiving Dinner in his 3x3 ‘til its time to take a dirt nap.

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Chips Ahoy!

Here at PTB, we never did buy into Chimp-Dick’s “War on Global Extremism.” There are extremists everywhere. Just ask the VPILF’s hubby. But GWB went on ahead anyway and in the process, he broke the friggin’ Army! Nice job Bush-Wipe. The problem we have is that the current administration wouldn’t know a terrorist if one bit ‘em on the ass. Here’s a perfect example:



Pirates off the Horn of Africa are seizing ships, sailors and cargo at an alarming rate. So much so that the waters off the coast of Somalia are more dangerous than the streets of Baghdad. If that’s not extremist terrorism…what is? And what is the USo’A doin’ about it? Nothing.



So, while the Army and the National Guard continue to play security guard down in the Suck, the Navy is doin’ bupkis. Who’s takin’ the lead in finding these terrorists? Russia and Great Britain. Aye Caramba!



Look, these guys are terrorists as much as anyone flying airplanes into buildings and we should do something about it. We should send a couple of ships into the waters off Somalia and rub a butt on these rat-bastards. After all, they’re terrorists and we’re in a war on terrorism. Isn’t that right Mr. Bush?




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RAPED!!!

It’s only fitting that today marks the beginning of the Year of the Rat. Yesterday the biggest rat-bastard of ‘em all unveiled his latest (and last) budget…3.1 TRILLION dollars. As usual, chimp-dick is spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need. The Pentagon gets a budget increase to buy more shiny new planes and ships and missile defense systems that don’t help a fig in fighting the war on terror. “Just Say No to Sex” education gets more money too.


Meanwhile the budget cuts veteran’s benefits, cuts aid to the poor and elderly, cuts money for the environment and infrastructure and even cuts help for children. WTF is going on here? Is anyone paying attention? The federal deficit is expected to reach $5.4 trillion this year and $5.9 trillion in 2009. Who’s gonna pay for that? The politicians who got us into this mess? No. The bourgie rich motherhubbards who don’t pay taxes? No. You know who’s gonna pay for this clusterfuck…you and me.


So, the next time a you hear a righty talk about “tax and spend liberals”, give ‘em a Bronx cheer. At least the Democrats have the huevos to look us in the eye and tell us they’re gonna need tax money to pay for government services. Bush-wipe and his ilk spend and spend and spend, have no idea how to pay for it so they stick the next guy with the tab. Nice.



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It's Like Finding A Needle In An Ass Crack

Well the Mitchell Report is out and so are eighty-something rat bastards. We’ve said it before here at PTB…we’re not against drugs…


We’re against hypocrisy.


We’re against cheaters.


We’re against liars.


The really sad part about this clusterfuck is that the Mitchell Report only investigated steroid related stuff…not amphetamines. Athletes in all sports pop dexies and cross tops and rippers like they were M&M’s and no one gives a shit.


But if you have the ganja in your system…you get busted. Think a rasta buzz is “performance enhancing?” No. Think those in charge care? No again.


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Dog Bites Man...Media In A Frenzy!

We here at PTB are avid dog lovers. After all, some of our fondest memories were hangin' with Hercules.



If Michael Vick is convicted of the crimes he's accused of committing...he should get a long room reservation at the Gray Bar Motel...HOWEVER...



This is AMERICA where you're innocent 'til proven guilty (unless you're a swarthy foreigner...then you get slapped into Gitmo).



Don't forget the rush to judgment in the Duke Lacrosse case (we're talking to YOU Jesse Jackson!).



Until Vick gets his trial by a jury of his peers...and convicted...PETA, the Humane Society and the rest of the protesting rat-bastards should just STFU.



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