In God We....

It never ceases to amaze us when people bloviate about the USofA being a Christian nation. Yeah right. There isn’t anything Christian about us. Turn the other cheek? No. Love thy neighbor? Hardly. Do unto others? Laughable. We could list examples ‘til our two typing fingers fell off but we’ll just go with the big ten.

1. Thou shalt not worship other Gods. We don’t worship other gods. We worship singers, actors, athletes and millionaires.

2. Thou shalt not make false idols. Ummm…you mean like American Idol?

3. Thou shalt not us the Lord’s name in vain. So that sends straight to hell anyone named Jesus, the guy who wrote Lord of the Flies and that guy from Hawaii Five-0.

4. Thou shalt keep the Sabbath Day holy. Take a look at a sportsbook, corner bar or living room on any given Sunday. Unless God drives a stock car or hauls the pigskin, we’re 0-4.

5. Honor thy father and mother. You’ve gotta earn respect. Just ‘cause you popped out a little one doesn’t mean a thing. Look at all the BSC parents we’ve seen lately. SHEESH!

6. Thou shalt not kill. So…anyone who supports or supported the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will be doin’ the backstroke with Beelzebub for eternity. Nice.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. C’mon… Adultery is as American as apple pie…’ceptin’ it’s cherry. From Thomas Jefferson to William Jefferson, Americans like their forbidden fruit. Besides, without adultery we’d never have the classic line, “You are NOT the father!”

8. Thou shalt not steal. Well, Halliburton, KBR and those Enron assholes are toast. But then again…so is everyone who’s taken home a paper clip from work. YOUCH!

9. Thou shalt not lie. “Yes honey, that dress DOES make your butt look fat.” You wanna deal with the fallout from that or burn in hell? We pick burnin’.

10. Thou shalt not covet. People who don’t covet are un-motivated, lazy, slackers. Coveting things makes us over-work and over-stress our lives so we can have all those useless toys our neighbors have. As GC famously said, "Coveting is what makes the economy work."


So, you see…if the USofA is a Christian nation, we’re all gonna burn ‘til the end of time. If we’re not a Christian nation…we’ll be just fine.

(8.-)

The Devil Wears Prada

The pic circulating around Cyberia shows the ‘Bamer sporting traditional Somali attire. N/p here…that’s what you’re supposed to do when you travel abroad.


Go to Hawaii…wear a gaudy flowered shirt. Goin’ to Saudi Arabia? Better get out the robes. Heck, we still have chafe marks from the lederhosen we wore on our trip to Bavaria.


No…what a person wears has no bearing on what a person is.


Voters getting their panties in a bunch or changing their minds because a candidate was wearing the latest OBL line need to reevaluate their priorities, grab a clue and stop being such pussies.


BTW...wearing traditional Somali dress makes you look an awful lot like a disaster response drill dummy.



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Boom, Boom...Out Go the Lights

Here at PTB we say it all the time…we love the PoPo. Something’s quite sexy about a uniform, badge and a gun…don’t you think?


The problem we have is when cops go BSC. Example: NYC. Three policemen are in court today, accused of shooting an unarmed man 50 times. You read right…FIFTY TIMES! The cops, according to the story, were trying to “shut down a "gritty, raunchy strip joint in a working-class community." Quick thought…emptyin’ fifty rounds into one person seems a little excessive but that’s a post for another day.


The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…we’ve got one man dead and three cops in court ‘cause someone thinks strip clubs are “raunchy.” SHEESH…no tellin’ WHAT they’d do if they ever headed out to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch!!!


As long as we have puritanical lunatics in power tryin’ to keep our eyes and ears (and hands) away from boobies…bad stuff is gonna keep happenin’. Thank your euphemism that we live in the 775 where boobies aren’t considered “raunchy.”



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Change You Can Xerox

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Hillary said it tonight...it's not like we haven't been sayin' it all along...

Do Unto Others...Unless They're the Same Sex

“Radical” Muslim

“Fundamentalist” Christian

“Ultra Orthodox” Jew


We here at PTB think that if you’re any of the above…yer BSC. These type of zealots are stuck in the Dark Ages and when the shit hits the grill they blame the behaviors of their enemies for bringing the wrath of God.


As everyone knows, we here at PTB don’t believe in the “Invisible Man in the Sky”. But it seems the ones who do are phony as “compassionate conservatism”. The latest example:


Six earthquakes have hit Israel since November. Shlomo Benizri, of the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas Party, said yesterday that the tremors had been caused by lawmaking that gave "legitimacy to sodomy".


We like our sodomy here at PTB. Nothin’ like a hummer to get your day started but that’s not the point. The crux of our biscuit is that if God hates fags…why did He/She make ‘em in the first place? Was He/She drunk on the job? Did He/She just phone it in on that day? Is God incompetent or just not paying attention? We say none of the above.


You see, earthquakes are caused by tectonic forces…not supernatural forces. If God quakes gay people & sodomites, how come San Francisco has been quiet for more than a decade and Wells, Nevada rumbled like the belly of a starving fat man just this morning?


Open Note To God…Yo G…there are millions more gays and sodomites in the Bay or NYC than there are in the eastern side of the 775. Hell, if you wanna rumble some gay Silver Staters…shake ‘Vegas baby and leave Wells alone!


Open Note to Shlomo… Yo Shlo…do you know what homosexual position is called a “Shlomo”? Yeah…we thought you did.


(8.-)

Fa Z U Later!

Sad times here in the 775. Nick Fazekas, the greatest player to ever don Wolf Pack silver and blue, got kicked to the curb by the Dallas Mavericks yesterday. Bummer. We’ve gotta be up front here…Fuzzy was one of our all-time faves but we always knew his game wouldn’t translate to the big show.



In college, Fuzzy tore it up. But opponents like Idaho, Maine, Montana and Arkansas-Pine Bluff don’t help your game when LBJ, the Diesel and Superman are rubbin’ a butt on ya.



This should be a wakeup call to JaVale McGee, Armon Johnson or any other Nevada hoopster considering jumping early. If the biggest, baddest, bestest Wolf Pack basketball player of all time can barely get a cup of coffee in the big show, what makes you think you can make it? Stay the full four (or five) years and enjoy it…’cause when it’s over for you in the 775…it just might ALL be over.



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Farewell Fidel

For the last five decades the USofA has pissed in the faces of the Cuban people all because “El Presidente” is a commie pinko. But we always had a soft spot in our hearts for the “Big-F”. He loved him some baseball (just like us) and loved nothing more than to be the pubic hair on the soda can of American presidents (EXACTLY like us). See, unlike politicians and other chicken shits, we’re not afraid of communism. Hell…if the SoG was alive today…HE’D be a commie.


But Fidel announced his retirement today and right on cue, the pResident chimed in. Straight out of chimp-dick’s lie hole comes this gem: “I view this as a period of transition and it should be the beginning of the democratic transition in Cuba." Democratic transition? Since when WPE?


Here’s the crux of our biscuit…If we put the Cuban people through hell ‘cause they’re commies…WTF is up with our “good friends” China? Oh…we love us the Chi-nee ‘cause they sell us lead-infested crap at really cheap prices and they let our companies do business there. As they say, it’s an untapped market. If there’s money to be made, by golly, we’ll make it! So Chinese communism is O.K. according to Bush-Wipe.


What about Viet Nam? American soldiers fought and died in that godforsaken shit-hole AGAINST communism. The commies won. So, is Vietnamese communism bad? Hell no. Since they’re gonna let a lot of big U.S. companies do business in their country too, WPE has decided they’re our friends now. He even went to Viet Nam (forty years too late) and sucked up to their leader like an infant on a nipple. Just to show how much he cares.


It’s this hypocritical bullshit that makes us crazy! Time and time again we mention that our bestest friends in the middle east, Saudi Arabia, treat citizens worse than Michael Vick treats his dogs. Does GWB2 embargo them? No. Does he call for democratic elections? No. What does he do? He sells them guns and bullets and bombs and doesn’t say a word to 'em. HYPOCRITE!


George…you’d better not EVER come back to the 775. If you do, we’re gonna put a foot so far up your ass that we’ll need your dentist to tie our shoe! As for Cuba...we think MLB should move Tampon Bay to Havana and make everyone happy.

(8.-)

Spankin' That Ass!

Here at PTB we have no problem calling a turd a turd but we’re just as happy smellin’ the roses. This weekend PTB and the rest of Wolf Pack nation got a belated Valentine’s bouquet courtesy of Coach Michelle Gardner and the Nevada softball team.


FULL DISCLOSURE: We’ve known Coach Gardner for a few years now. We consider her a friend. Every time you watch/read or hear about Nevada softball we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS.


So, yesterday Nevada stepped onto the diamond to take on the Arizona Wildcats…the number one friggin’ program in the whole friggin’ country. UofA is to elite softball what the Bumble was to the North Pole. By game’s end the Wolf Pack had firmly planted foot in ass and handed Goliath his head. Nevada-1, UofA-0.


It’s rare that a University of Nevada athletic team gets the chance to play the number one ranked team in the country. The hoops team did it a couple of months ago and got schooled by North Carolina. The last time a Wolf Pack team dumped on a numero uno was the baseball team a few years back against Stanford. Those were isolated incidents. This is different.


You see, Coach Gardner would like nothing more for her team than to play every game against top ten programs. The quote she uses is, “You can’t be the champions ‘til you beat the champions.” So, every spring she schedules opponents like UCLA, ASU, Michigan and the 1927 Yankees. It’s the Jerry Tarkanian method of program building. Back in the day when UNLV’s hoops program couldn’t beat a drum with a mallet, the Shark scheduled as many elite teams as he could. It was ugly at first. But little by little, the Rebels improved ‘til one day they weren’t getting smeared…they were the ones doing the smearing. They’ve been an elite team ever since.


So, here we are, the day after knocking off King Shit. It’s a great time for fans and a better time for players and coaches. Enjoy the feeling folks. As talented as this team is, they can rub a butt on anyone. And if history is any indication, they’ll be doing it for some time to come.


(8.-)

HO-lympics

Here at PTB we love us some Olympics. We've always been of the mind that if countries would settle their differences on the athletic field instead of the battlefield, the world would be a much better place (are ya listenin’ Bush-Wipes?).

Anyone who’s ever been here in the 775 knows we’ve got us some great winter recreatin’. We even got to host an Olympiad back in the ‘60’s. Now the powers that be want to get us the 2018 Winter games. YEE HAW!!! Nothin’ like drinkin’ and smokin’ and partyin’ with skiers, skaters and snowboarders. Remember Hot Dog The Movie? Those winter athletes sure know how to get jiggy. ANYWAY…

We were all for throwin’ our hat into the ring ‘til Brian Krolicki two cents’ed his opinion. The Lt.Gov. said that to make a competitive bid, he’s gonna have to use OUR tax money. WTF? Now, we know BKro. He’s a nice guy. Kinda hot too (for a dude). But who’ll really profit from the 775 hosting an Oly? Ski resorts…yeah. People who frequent ski resorts…yeah. The owners of hotels and casinos…yup. And that’s about it.

It’s funny how politicians talk about high taxes and non-existent services when they’re running for office. Then, when they get elected, they spend OUR tax money like Pacman Jones makin’ it rain in a strip club. Look…the cops have to beg for money for DNA testing, schools are having to rely on parents to volunteer their time ‘cause there isn’t enough money and the poor and the mentally ill get back-burnered ‘til one of ‘em goes BSC then everyone whines about the lack of funding.

Using OUR tax money to ATTEMPT to get an Oly is misguided at best and dereliction of duty at worst. Nothing is guaranteed. It sure would be a stick in the mud if all that money were spent on our proposal…and we lost. OOPS! Better to spend OUR tax money on things we know we need…not on things we hope we’d get.

(8.-)

Obama-gasm

Last night Barack Obama swept the Chesapeake primaries like a washerwoman on a dirty kitchen floor. It was a spankin' of epic proportions. Watching the 'Bamer give his victory speech gave us chills. In front of 18,000 screamin' Badgers BoB showed us all his ideas of positive possibilities.


After seven years of chimp-dick lippin' things like "Stay the course", "You're either with us or against us" and "Nukyuler" it was refreshing to hear someone tell it like it is rather than someone spewin’ what they think we want to hear.


On the other side JMac was plain creepy. Addressing a crowd numbering less than GWB's I.Q., in a room smaller than a bathroom stall in the Minneapolis airport, surrounded by fossilized crackers, he stumbled along like he was a naked eighth grader giving a presentation to the entire school. At one point, Mr. “1,000 Years War” said, “There is no greater threat, no bigger obstacle than the patriotism of the American public. The lady standing behind him heard that and looked as if she’d swallowed a bug. Priceless. Yo JMac…get a new speechwriter and actually look over the stuff before you open yer spew-hole.


After hearin’ the ‘Bamer orate the chrome off a trailer hitch and McCain using the same talking points as every other Bush-Wipe…PTB scratched in our little notebook: Game. Over.


(8.-)

Big Gulp

It’s good to see the Government-Cheese down in the 702 suffers from the same head-in-ass syndrome as they do here in the 775.


Today a hearing starts into plans to pump billions of gallons of water every year from the rural counties down to the perpetually-parched growth monster that is Las Vegas.


LaLa Land did it to the Owens Valley in the early 1900’s. We see how THAT turned out.


Those for the project say that, “The highest and best use of this water resource is in the Las Vegas Valley.” Those folks include casino executives, developers and union representatives. They’re playing the fear card when they warn of an economic downturn affecting the entire state unless ‘Vegas has enough water to keep growing. BOOGYBOOGYBOOGITY!!!


Opponents say, “There’s not enough water in the valleys for exportation without harming existing water users and the environment.” That side includes a group of ranchers and farmers opposed to the project, as well as local irrigation companies, a water board, the Sierra Club, Nevada Cattlemen’s Association and White Pine County.


We say…Las Vegas is located in the DESERT! It’s called a desert for a reason. But if you think for one instant ANYONE gives a fig about a bunch of Lincoln & White Pine County sodbusters, left-wing tree huggers and anti growth activists…you’d be wrong.


We’re betting the casinos and the developers and the unions are gonna get every drop of water they ask for. Then, they’ll take every penny they can from the government-cheese, you and me. After all, they’ve gotta make money somehow.


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Speak Up!

Here at PTB y’all know where we stand on the subject of freedom of speech. Absolute. C’mon, this is America…right? TJ and BFrank and all those other crazy sexy-dressin' old crackers put speech right up there at number one for a reason…they knew that sticks and stones were the preferred weapon of an enemy because words were not very hurtful.

But nowadays…there is no such thing as FOS in America -- it's all selective at best.

You can go on television and say that “the tornado was caused by the wrath of God” but you can’t go on television and drop an accidental “F” bomb (or booby).

You (allegedly) can’t yell fire in a crowded theater but you can yell theater in a crowded fire house.

You can’t even utter words like bomb, explosion, terrorist, hijacking, crash or F#@K George Bush in an airport unless you want the Feds perp walking you to Gitmo. Is that free speech? No.

Ever blogged about your boss looking at you like you were a sexual toy or how your company rapes the environment or how your biggest client uses undocumented child slave-labor? Nice post. But if you speeched it, you know you don’t have THAT job anymore. Free huh?

Here's the crux of our biscuit: We have no problem with the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at funerals. It is a free country…right? The problem we have, is that the same people condemning the WBC for their “hurtful, hateful banners” didn’t say one word about the counter-protesters. Check out FX’s pic on Tuesday’s 5E. CP dude is sporting a Waffen Schutzstaffel insignia on his hat. That’s right…BSC’s Nazi SS. And he's supposed to be the GOOD guy?

If you're allowed to sport Nazi bling at an event, then “God Hates Fags” should be protected too. Free speech isn’t free speech unless everybody has it.


Everywhere.


All the time.


Don't worry folks...it won't hurt.

(8.-)

RAPED!!!

It’s only fitting that today marks the beginning of the Year of the Rat. Yesterday the biggest rat-bastard of ‘em all unveiled his latest (and last) budget…3.1 TRILLION dollars. As usual, chimp-dick is spending money we don’t have on things we don’t need. The Pentagon gets a budget increase to buy more shiny new planes and ships and missile defense systems that don’t help a fig in fighting the war on terror. “Just Say No to Sex” education gets more money too.


Meanwhile the budget cuts veteran’s benefits, cuts aid to the poor and elderly, cuts money for the environment and infrastructure and even cuts help for children. WTF is going on here? Is anyone paying attention? The federal deficit is expected to reach $5.4 trillion this year and $5.9 trillion in 2009. Who’s gonna pay for that? The politicians who got us into this mess? No. The bourgie rich motherhubbards who don’t pay taxes? No. You know who’s gonna pay for this clusterfuck…you and me.


So, the next time a you hear a righty talk about “tax and spend liberals”, give ‘em a Bronx cheer. At least the Democrats have the huevos to look us in the eye and tell us they’re gonna need tax money to pay for government services. Bush-wipe and his ilk spend and spend and spend, have no idea how to pay for it so they stick the next guy with the tab. Nice.



(8.-)

Be Careful What You Wish For

Well folks, its Super Duper Monster Tuesday and you know what that means...thousands upon thousands of clueless sheep trot down to the polls to vote for the candidate that some bobblehead on the tube told them to vote for.


N/p though...nothing matters as long as you vote. If you don't vote...may we suggest you move in with some of our closest allies like Saudi Arabia, the UAE or Kuwait. No one is allowed to vote there. See how you like it then.


A couple of quick Q's:


Will Hillary's voice hurt her like Nixon's 5 O'clock shadow hurt him?


If JMack wins it all...will the vampire that is Ann Coulter really campaign for Hil?


Will the 'Bamer get BobbyK'd tonight in Cali?


Can the Huckster get enough of his God peeps out to vote for him?



Will the mainstream media keep giving Ron Paul the "Rudy in the Booty", even if he continues to pull voters?


Lastly...here's a fun drinking game for all y'all civics geeks out there. You know you're one of us if your Super Tuesday party tonight is bigger than the one you had on Super Sunday. ANYWAY...whip out your 'shine and pour a shot. Every time you hear one of the following words or phrases you gotta take a shot:


Change, Super Delegates, Bill Clinton, Christian Conservatives, The Surge Is Working, Iraq, Recession, Economy, Too Close To Call, Voter Turnout Was Light, Voter Turnout Was Heavy...


It's a partial list so feel free to add your own.


Last one standing wins. Tomorrow...back to the problems at hand.


(8.-)

The REAL Reasons God Hates Reno

Regular readers of PTB know that we don't put much faith in the "Invisible Man in the Sky." We do believe however, that people can worship anything they want. That's what the USofA is all about. Then here comes the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas. It seems that the most God-less church in all of Christdom is of the opinion that God hates Reno. AWESOME! Better to be hated than to be ignored. According to the group’s Web site, God also hates Sweden, Canada, Ireland and Mexico. So much for the Bikini Team, hockey, Lucky Charms and Jose Feliciano. As it is...we thought we'd try to figure out exactly why the big Kahuna is hatin' on the 775. Here's what we figured:

Top Ten Reasons God Hates Reno


10. He’s shorter than John Ascuaga.

9. We don’t care how you spend your money.

8. Our burning bushes are made out of neon.

7. We worship in our own way on Sundays.

6. We covet our neighbor’s wife, his asses and everything else he has. That’s the way the economy works.

5. We think Nevada is God’s country and Nevadan’s are Gods chosen people. That’s why we’re all so good looking.

4. We think the best things God made were the female body, the male body and Lake Tahoe. Not necessarily in that order.

3. We think of beer as “God’s favorite drink.”

2. We don’t care where you stick your woody.

1. We call spending 40 nights in the desert “Burning Man.”

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