Fry On Freebird

Albert Hoffman sleeps with the fishes today. No worries, he was 102 years old and when you get up into triple digits like that, you pretty much know you’re a short-timer.



Now, y’all might be thinkin’ to yourselves, “WTF is Albert Hoffman?” Well, the Hoffster wasn’t what you’d call a household name but he was the chemist who discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 in 1938. That’s right. Pre-WWII, good ole’ Albert invented LSD. After Tim Leary made acid popular in the ‘60’s and a couple of dumb-asses jumped out of windows, making it SCARY to the establishment, in stepped the Government-Cheese. They banned the drug in 1966.



“BOOGITYBOOGITYBOOGITY,” they said. “We’ve got to keep this dangerous drug out of the hands of innocent Americans! It’s for their own safety.” Yeah right. Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit:



If the Government-Cheese is worried about drugs and our safety, how come alcohol is legal? If the Government-Cheese is worried about drugs and our health, how come tobacco is legal? Why? ‘Cause they make a lot of money from the sales and taxing of those drugs. Bet your bottom dollar that if the Government-Cheese found a way to distribute, sell and tax LSD, there’d be vending machines everywhere sellin’ it.



The United States government never has and never will care about you, your safety or your health. They only care about spending your money. Is LSD really bad for you? Albert Hoffman took acid trips for decades…and he lived to be 102. So much for that theory.








(8.-)

SMiley and Say Cheese

So, Hannah Montana and her dad, the one-hit-wonder-chump, are appalled, embarrassed and generally feeling icky about pictures of the teen queen published in the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.



The shots were taken by world-famous photog Annie Leibovitz and we’ve gotta say, they’re tastefully done. That is, if pics of a scantily-clad, underage teeny-bopper can be called “tasteful.”


But here’s the crux of our biscuit…Vanity Fair isn’t Hustler and Annie Leibovitz isn’t Larry Flynt. Believe it…we know Larry Flynt and Annie Leibovitz is no Larry Flint. But Momma and Poppa were at the shoot…reps and advisors were at the shoot and no one said anything ‘til Disney got their knickers in a bunch. Hell, Dakota Montana herself said, "I think it's really artsy. It wasn't in a skanky way. Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought that was really cool. That's what she wanted me to do, and you can't say no to Annie."


Well, little one, we’ve got news for you. If anyone in your posse had thought that the pics would get you in trouble with your fans, and more importantly the people who sign your rather large checks, they should have spoken up. They didn’t. You didn’t. If you or mommy or daddy or your handlers didn’t say no to Annie and Vanity Fair that’s YOUR fault. Just remember one thing Ms. Miley…you’re only three years away from being another Danny Bonaduce, McCauley Culkin and/or Britney Spears. Hell you might even get JonBenet-ed. Good luck with THAT!


(8.-)

Diamonds and Rust

We’ve been on cloud nine ever since we found out the 775 was getting a Triple-A baseball team. After all, baseball is America’s pastime and we love to pass us some time watching a baseball game.

So, the quandary for us all now is what to name the team? The name needs to be strong. The name needs to be classy. The name should bring to mind the 775. The name should have a baseball-related theme. And the name should reflect the image of the parent club. So, as a public service, we’ll reiterate our stance that the new team should be the Reno Diamonds. Why?

Diamonds are the hardest mineral in the world – even harder than Dick Cheney’s heart.

Diamonds are so classy, they’re a girl’s best friend. In comparison, guys best buddies are dogs.


Diamonds bring to mind the 775 in the form of that little red thingy on playing cards. No, not the heart-shaped red thingy…the OTHER one.


Baseball is played on a field commonly referred to as a diamond.


Our new parent club is the Arizona Diamondbacks.

So, y’all can have yer contest and let some snot-nosed little fourth grader name the team the Chukars (something you do after you’ve had too much to drink), Blackjacks (something used to smack someone on the side of the head) or the Padres (Weakest. Religious Figure. Ever.) or you can go with the name that y’all know is the right one.


HELLO RENO DIAMONDS!

(8.-)

PoPo No No

Dammit! We wanted to go lite today seein’ as how it’s Friday and all. But circumstances have changed and we just HAVE to add our two bits.



As we’ve said many times before…here at PTB we love us the PoPo. Without them, BSC rat-bastards would be everywhere. But we’ve gotta ask…WTF is up with NYPD Blue?



Three detectives were acquitted Friday in the 50-shot killing of an unarmed man leaving his bachelor party. FIFTY FUCKIN’ SHOTS!!! Isn’t NYPD Blue trained to shoot straight? The victim was UNARMED! Hell, it’s not even the first time. Back in ’99, New York’s finest popped more than forty caps in a dude ‘cause they MISTOOK HIS WALLET FOR A GUN!!! And when they’re not using firearms on their victims, they’re using BROOMSTICKS. We call that one the “Rudy in the Booty.”



Look, we know that police work is hours of drudgery sprinkled with moments of terror. But that’s the job you chose. No one forced you to put on the uniform. No one MADE you become a cop. If you’re having trouble identifying the differences between an armed suspect and an unarmed innocent, maybe you should sign up to be a contractor for Blackwater or KBR. But if you’re gonna continue to patrol a beat, the least you could do is learn your craft to the point where you’re not killing those you swore to serve and protect.


(8.-)

Un-Bear-Able

Well it’s that time of year again -- Ursus americanus are shakin’ off the winter, wiping the sleep from their eyes and trying to quench severe cases of the munchies. No problems there…black bears have been doin’ this drill for thousands of years. But lately here in the 775, Yogi and his pals have been scarin’ the bejeezus out of people by raiding their garbage cans.



The number of urban bears raiding trash cans and breaking into homes has increased steadily in the past decade, particularly at Lake Tahoe, said Carl Lackey, an NDOW biologist and bear expert.



We couldn’t disagree more. Winnie the Pooh and his friends aren’t B&E’ing because they want to…they do it ‘cause they HAVE to. In the last decade the bear population in the Sierra has dropped dramatically while the people population in the area has boomed. In that same timeframe, the County Commissions and the City Councils have rubber-stamped so much development we’re running out of places to put new strip malls. No, bear encounters at Tahoe aren’t the fault of Ursus americanus…the fault lies with us. After all, they were here first.


(8.-)

Cut Me Pauly!

Let That Be Your Last Battlefield

Here at PTB we make fun of religion all the time. It’s not that we don’t think people should put all their eggs in the basket of the “Invisible Man in the Sky” – we just find it odd that the more religious one seems to be, the less likely they are to act in accordance with scriptures.


Islam is a religion of peace.

Judaism is a religion of peace.

Christianity is a religion of peace.



So why don’t zealous followers of their religions practice what they preach? To that question, we haiku…




Holy Shrine melee.

Can’t we all just get along?

Who would JZeus punch?


(8.-)

One Man's Taboo is Another Man's Custom

If all the FLDS MoMo was goin’ on between the young girls and their substantially older husbands…why are all the kids bein’ taken from their mommas and why aren’t the daddies behind bars?


The authorities in Texas say that girls as young as 13 were getting pregnant at the FLDS. Don’t they get the MoPo Show in the Lone Star State? Young girls are getting pregnant everywhere! “You are NOT the father!” SHEESH!



Americans think we’ve got it made with our “freedom of religion.” But that’s not the case at all. We ain’t got freedom of shit.


-- Wanna use hallucinogenic substances in your services? Not gonna happen.


-- Is sacrifice a part of your religion? You’re in big trouble.


-- Don’t want to take your kids to the sawbones in town ‘cause your religion forbids it? Busted.


-- Does your religion allow you to have multiple spouses? Not in America it doesn’t.


-- Do you worship an alien, a woman or the devil? Sorry, you’re S.O.L.


These are just five examples. There are millions of instances of religions doing something their God has allowed and that the Government-Cheese has deemed “unlawful.”



The crux of our biscuit is simple…what part of “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” don’t the mutherhubbards get?

(8.-)

Will Play For Food

We know that readers of PTB have higher than normal vocabules. You’ve gotta know your stuff wandering around here. Those who don’t, will never get jokes like: “Obama-tude”, “crackufacturing” and “chimp-dick”.

Now, we love helping those less fortunate than us. Our problem is, there just aren’t that many people less fortunate than us. C’mon, living in mom & dad’s basement, working for the minimum wage and blogging in Cyberia is pretty far from being “fortunate”. But being poor in the USofA is NOTHING like being poor in say…Sudan, Colombia or Nepal. That’s where we’re asking our readers to help.

FreeRice is an online word game. Pretty simple to play…read the word and pick the correct definition. Get the word right and sponsors will donate twenty grains of rice to the U.N. World Food Program. We know what you’re thinking -- twenty grains of rice doesn’t sound like much. But if enough people play, things’ll add up quickly. So to you dear readers, please, take the time, drop in and play a few words. You’ll be doin’ it for a good cause. And like Uncle Bill always used to say “Be careful, you just might learn something before it’s done.”


If you haven't already...click here to play.

Peace.
(8.-)

Why JZeus Spins in His Grave

A couple of quick thoughts on PoBen bein’ on this side of the ATL…

If the Pope is the voice of God on earth…how come he needs such tight security? Wouldn’t the invisible man in the sky take care of that stuff? Pope’s got so much muscle, he looks like skeevy Uncle Fester visiting a market in Baghdad.

The Pope mentioned that Americans need to make their political choices with compassion. Does that mean he’s against the war? If the Pope is against the war but pResident chimp-dick isn’t Catholic, can we still bomb the shit out of Iran?

Wouldn’t the two BILLION dollars y’all had to pay to clergy sex-abuse victims been better off helping the poor rather than buying off accusers? BTW…how the hell does a church get BILLIONS of dollars? Something about throwing out the money changers comes to mind here.

With all your secret church rituals (think The DaVinci Code), your way out there ideas (no birth control, a couple of times around a rosary and you’re clean as a whistle) and your clergy’s penchant for pedophilia…what makes the Catholic Church different than the FLDS?

If Catholics have to go to marriage counseling before they get hitched in the church, why are they counseled by a priest who’s never been, and never gonna be, married? WTF does a priest know about marriage?

One last thing straight to you PoBen. You said today that the clergy sex-abuse scandal needs to be viewed in the “wider context of secularism and the over-sexualization of America.” Do you really believe that horseshit? Look bro, 26 million Americans might think you’re the mouthpiece of God but here at PTB we know better. The only difference between you and the motherhubbards that excommunicated Galileo is a couple hundred years. Quit blaming your problems on people who don’t believe in your magic fairies and quit blaming your problems on American’s sexual appetites. You know little to nothing about either.

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Here's to You Mr. Robinson

We’re a day late and a dollar short puttin’ in our two bits (two cents ain’t worth a plugged nickel anymore) about Jackie Robinson Day in MLB. When blacks were finally allowed into the bigs, Americans saw what diversity could do. Almost single-handedly Robinson turned the perennial loser “Bums” into one of the best teams in baseball. Diversity is what made Brooklyn a great team and it’s what makes America a great country. Check it:



Have you ever met a blonde Chinese person? No.

Not one Mexican has the last name of O’Malley. Not one.

Ever seen a brown-skinded brother from Norway? No.

Any Shlomo Liebowitzes in Nigeria? Ain’t happenin’.

You’ll never meet an Iranian named Shaniqua, RaShawna or Dikembe…

or an Egyptian named Bill or George or Doogie.

Ya see, America is one big fat melting pot and anyone is welcome to bubble in the stew with us…makes things mighty tasty. That’s what makes this country great.

(8.-)

Not-tional Geographic

It's not a big secret -- most Americans suck at geography. It's because of our superiority complex. Who the hell cares where anything else is in the world? If they’re not here, they must be losers.



Still, you’d think someone whose job description includes the need for a moderate level of geographic knowledge would, you know, actually HAVE said knowledge. And then we get the video right here.



Stephen Hadley goes on for two and a half minutes about China’s issues with…Nepal. That’s right…Nepal. Not Tibet. Nepal. And it’s not like it was a slip of the tongue or a verbal hiccup or, as Skeevy Uncle Fester would say, a “senior moment.” No, Hadley refers to China’s trouble with Nepal EIGHT TIMES in two and a half minutes.



So, why are we making such a big stink over something as trivial as a geographical mistake?

Stephen Hadley works for the United States Government. In 2002, he was a member of the White House Iraq Group. He was the one who made up the “Yellowcake from Niger” bullshit. Instead of getting fired, he got a promotion. Stephen Hadley is now the friggin’ National Security Advisor to the President of the United States of America…and he doesn’t know the difference between Nepal and Tibet.



If you ever wonder how America got so messed up…look no further than this shit.

(8.-)

Gun Nuts

We have a couple of questions...

WTF does the Governor of the State of Nevada need NINE concealed weapons permits for?

You goin' out on a buffalo hunt there Gov.?

We know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned Gib...is that what you're afraid of?

Don't you have security?

Or maybe you're just trying to impress off-duty cocktail waitresses.

(8.-)

Random Acts of Mindless

There’s so much goin’ on ‘round the place we wanted to talk about as many of ‘em as time would allow. So today, we’re all over. Think of it as “drive-by posting.”



There was so much security around the Olympic torch yesterday, it looked like John McCain visiting a Baghdad market.



The city of Reno has to pay $100,000 to a couple of dancers and their boss ‘cause they got roughed up by the RePoPo. Their crime? Stripping without a license. SHEESH! Yo Reno-911…go find Brianna’s killer and leave the strippers alone.



You can’t go on strike and picket your work unless you give ‘em an exact time? That’s one of the stupidest friggin’ rules on the book.



A couple of cops in the NYC get busted for buying illegal steroids from the bad guys. Now NYPD Blue is gonna randomly test all 36,000 officers. Another example of why “Rudy in the Booty” are BSC!



No one wanted the biomass plant down in the Capital ‘ceptin’ the government-cheese. Turns out the people were right. The bugger’s gonna cost us more than it earns for the next 17 years. And now, we’re spendin’ more than a half a million dollars to hire peeps to work the thing ‘cause the state doesn’t have anyone qualified to run it. Who was gonna run it originally? Inmates. Wonder why we hate politicians?



Finally, Sgt. Timothy Smith. Another life wasted on the lies of pResident GWB. This fuckin’ war is NEVER gonna end. Saddest part is that most of the 775 voted for chimp-dick. TWICE! They tell you they support our troops and you believe ‘em. Then the troops get tagged and bagged and you STILL believe ‘em. Must be easy bein’ a sheep.




(8.-)

Fox Trot

Last week Nevada hoops fans dodged a bullet when Cal hired Mike Montgomery as their new head coach.

But the bullets are still flying. Former Pack head coach Trent Johnson is leaving Stanford and is headed off to coach the Bayou Bengals. You know what that means?

Mark Fox is outta here faster than a Metamucil milkshake goes through John McCain.



Guess that's two asses getting hit with the exit doors out the 775.

We'll lay 2-1 odds that coach Fox is headed west by the end of the month. Hell...we'll lay 3-1 he's outta here by the end of the week.

No worries though, Pack fans. Next in the big chair...another ass-kicking coach.


Go Pack!




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Fabrication Nation

The surge is working.



The economy is not in a recession.



The Bible is Americans' favorite book.



Freedom of religion.



Freedom of the press.



We're winning the war on terror.



America is the greatest country in the world.



If your head is spinning from all the crap they've been feeding you, you're not alone. Problem is, they'll keep cramming it down your pie-hole as long as you keep gulping it down. The only way to stop it, is to stop it ourselves.



(8.-)

Fine China

We've got no problem with people protesting. After all, this is the USofA and that's kinda our thing. We do have a problem with people protesting the wrong way.



If you wanna protest China for their Tibet policy, why turn everyone's day to shit by climbing the GGB? That's just as crappy an idea as boycotting the Summer Olympics. You really cheesed-off at China? Wanna make a real difference? Go home...look through ALL your stuff and toss everything into the garbage with a "Made in China" tag. EVERYTHING.



'Til then, you're all just poseurs.


(8.-)

Minute Rise

There are myriad ways men-folks try to prolong the act of doin’ the nasty.


Foreplay that lasts so long it’s called sevenplay.


We hold our breath…we think about dead puppies…and the ever-popular Babe Ruth statistical rundown.


Now we find out it was all for naught. Three minutes is enough time for sex? SHEESH! We were good lovers all that time…we just didn’t know it.


Now that we DO know, we’re gonna have a bit of a swagger next time in the bedroom (or the kitchen or the bathroom or wherever).


No more man-Kegels, no more Super Bowl matchup stats and no more Tequila shooters. No, if the MD’s say three minutes is enough…three minutes it is. Any longer and it’s back to Brady Bunch episode rundown.



(8.-)

Playing Politics

It was 1979 and the Soviet Union was getting’ pounded by a bunch of bass-ackward, poppy-farmin’, opium tokin’, Mujahideen. Yup…’79 was the year OBL got all his money and all his weapons from Uncle Sam so he could fight the good fight against the Godless Commies.



The President at the time was Jimmy Carter. Before Chimp-Dick showed up, Carter was considered the worst President ever. Why? Because Peanut Head thought a good way to dissuade the Soviet Union from fighting in Afghanistan was to boycott the 1980 Olympics in Moscow. Worst. Idea. Ever.



Sixty-two countries and regions stayed home that year. Hundreds of athletes lost lifetimes of work and sacrifice and sweat ‘cause Shit-For-Brains wanted to flex a little muscle. It didn’t work. The USSR stayed in Afghanistan for ten more years. Then they tucked their tails between their legs and lurped home. The only people hurt by the 1980 boycott were the athletes. They paid a high price for a massive political blunder.



Now, we’re hearing rumblings about a boycott of this year’s Olympics in Beijing. WTF is up with that? Does anyone even remember 1980? Does some politician with head-in-ass disease think that a boycott will change the way China does business? It won’t.



There’s no place in the Olympics for politics…just ask Adolph Hitler. The sight of that rat-bastard skid-marking his Underoos while watching Jesse Owens kick the living snot out of the “master race” was priceless. The Furher thought he could use his athletes to further his political cause. All he did was show the world how wrong he was.



(8.-)

About Face at Wally World

Less than an hour after PTB hit Cyberia yesterday, Goliath got the message -- Wal-Mart decided to drop their claim against Deborah Shank.

One of their honchos wrote that Shank's situation had made the company “re-examine its stance.” No, you silly corporate weasel…y’all changed yer tune ‘cause of the bad pub. You know, Larry Craig-like bad pub.

We’d like to think y’all did it out of the goodness of your tiny black hearts…but we know better. It’s all about the green.

Now, if we could just find a way to kill off all those succubus lawyers, we’d be just like a sesame seed…on a roll.

(8.-)

Why Wal-Mart SUCKS!

It’s bad enough Debbie Shank worked at Wal-Mart but a J.O.B. is a J.O.B. Then, eight years ago, Shank suffered severe brain damage in a traffic accident. She lost much of her short-term memory, was confined to a wheelchair and had to live in a nursing home.


Shank won a million dollars from the company of the driver who hit her. After the succubus lawyers took their bite of the pie, Shank was left with $417,000 to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then came Wal-Mart.


It seems that “Satan’s Little Helper” has a clause in their employee insurance policies that says if you win a lawsuit, they can get back the money they paid you in benefits. So Wal-Mart sued. They sued and fucking WON!

The Shanks appealed all the way to the SCOTUS and the rat-bastards refused to hear the case.


Now the Shanks are destitute. Dirt poor. They got NOTHING! Wal-Mart’s third quarter of ’07? $90 BILLION. This is the kind of repugnant shit that makes us wanna go “Guns of the Navarone” on their dumb asses. But it gets even more fucked up.



Last summer, shortly after losing her appeal, Debbie Shank’s son was killed in Iraq. You remember Iraq…don’t you? That’s the war we’re fighting so those brown-skinded brothers can live in freedom…in democracy. That’s what he fought for. That’s what he died for. And every day Debbie Shanks wakes up and she asks how her son is doing. She doesn’t remember. She has to be told, every day, that her son died. And as of this posting…Wal-Mart is still screwing the little guys. Fuck. You. Wal-mart.


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