Beers of Fury

It has been a staple on college campuses from the dawn of time. It is a sport that can be played equally well by men and women. The competition is quick, intense, sometimes bordering on insanity. And now buzzkills around the country want it all to stop. WTF are we talking about? Beer Pong.

Georgetown, The University of Pennsylvania, Yale, U-Mass and Tufts are only a few of the schools forbidding the evil game. Heck, entire towns in New Jersey have illegal-ized the sport. In Utah, they probably throw you in prison if they catch you BP’ing. Their reasoning is simple: Kids who play Beer Pong tend to drink beer. Maybe a bit too much beer. No kidding.

Now, we’ve got no problem with the Government-Cheese trying to keep kids safe. Although, we do think that if you’re old enough to die for your country in some far-away war zone, you SHOULD be able to slam a few barley pops. But that’s the crux of a different biscuit.

But what is the reasoning behind prohibiting people of legal age from playing Beer Pong? Belmar, New Jersey’s city council passed an ordinance declaring that outdoor BP “exposed unconsenting neighbors to foul language, rowdy and disorderly behavior and examples of the consumption of alcohol under circumstances that are detrimental.”

Look guys. Drinking alcohol is detrimental no matter what. Banning a game ‘cause people drink while doing it is stupid. You wanna know what kids will do when you take away their Beer Pong? They’ll invent a new game…like sitting in front of the television with a case of Keystone and every time a commercial for Viagra or Cialis comes on, they’ll slam a beer. They call it “Beer Dong.”

(8.-)

The Company You Keep

There’s no better way to score with chicks than to have a cute puppy with you. We’ve tried it and it works. Believe it…if it works for us, it’ll work for ANYONE! The ladies just can’t resist a fuzzy li’l pooch.

The move is used all over the world. Heck, it’s even spread to Saudi Arabia…go figure. Alas, it’s not to last. The Saudi religious police heard about the practice of “Get a pooch, get a smooch” and now they’re banning the sale of cats and dogs! WTF is up with that?

It’s bad enough to have to live in the SA. It’s as smooth as Mitt Romney’s hair, it's hotter than hell and there’s nothing to do but pray and/or go to church. Now the buzzkills-that-be are outlawing man’s best friend. SHEESH! It’s a wonder anyone ever hooks up in the SA. The saddest part is, the Saudis are Chimp-Dick’s bestest buddies. Heck, King Abdullah and G-Dub are practically goin’ steady. WPE whines all the time about the human rights record of countries like Iran, China and Russia while his Saudi friends treat their citizens worse than anyone. It's bad enough that Saudi Aribia treats its women like non-entities...it's bad enough that Saudi teens can't listen to rock & roll music...but to ban people from owning cats and dogs? Unacceptable.

{8.-)

A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Sandwich

Creepy John McSame is in the 775 today. He’s trying to drum up votes here in the Silver State and that got us thinking…

Everyone knows Captain Mac was a pilot in the ‘Nam and got his multi-million dollar plane popped by a couple of rice farmers with a blowgun. Question: Does getting your ass shot down make you a hero or a shitty pilot?

The reason we ask, is that many in the right-wing corporate media (and even the senator himself) say that having been a fighter pilot makes McLame uniquely qualified to be our next president. We disagree. Why?

A couple of years ago the NV voted a former fighter pilot into the job of governor. Today the state is goin’ to purgatory in a purse, we’ve got no money and we’re cutting programs and services like it was a fire sale. Leadership? Non-existant.

So, it’s our conclusion that being a fighter pilot doesn’t automatically make you a good leader. Being a fighter pilot who got shot down makes you...well...an easy target. Our only consolation is that Uncle Fester is probably gonna name Skeevy Mr. Perfect Hair as his running mate. And we all remember what happened to Captain Mac’s last wingman!

(8.-)

Better Off Dead

Historically, the Republican Party claims they're the party of small government.

Historically, the Republican Party claims they’re best able to defend America against her enemies.

Historically, the Republican Party claims they're the party of fiscal responsibility.

Historically. Now?

The federal government has grown more since 2000 than at any other time since the Great Depression.

So much for small government.

The Bush Administration was 22% into their term and republicans had control of the House and Senate for more than eight years on 9/11.

So much for keeping the country safe.

Today the White House has increased its 2009 deficit forecast to almost 500 BILLION dollars. When the Bush-Wipes took office the national debt was 5.6 trillion dollars. Now? More than 9.5 trillion dollars.

So much for fiscal responsibility.

“Tell them a lie, make it big, keep it simple, keep saying it and eventually they’ll believe it.” – Adolph Hitler

When they tell you they care about America…they’re lying! Remember that when you vote.

(8.-)

No Shows

We don't really care what the City of Sparks does about its flood problems...we're just glad they're trying to fix the situation. After all, we live in the high desert and when the poop hits the prop, things go south in a hurry.



Earlier this week the Sparks City Council voted on stage two of their flood plan. It didn't pass. WTF is the big deal you say? The reason the measure failed was because three votes were needed for passage and only three council members were present for the vote.



There are only five members of the Sparks City Council. That means 40% of the council missed the meeting. This is a perfect example of why we hate the Government-Cheese. Councilmen Ron Smith and John Mayer were elected to serve their community and they shirked their responsibilities. They were MIA.



The crux of our biscuit is simple...if you're an elected official, the only excuse for missing a vote is if you're dead. Councilmen Smith and Mayer are quite alive we're sure...but if they keep up this type of behavior, they'll be missing a lot of votes. That's 'cause they won't get re-elected.


(8.-)

Draggin' Ass

Reno 911’s gonna spend time, effort resources and money to stop…get this…illegal drag racing! They seem to think it’s the scourge of the 775. Do you know how much that’s gonna cost? Lots. All to bust the Fast and the Furious. Tell you what guys…here’s how you bust illegal drag racers.

Go to a 7-11 on a Saturday night and wait for a souped-up rice rocket to roll in. When the driver asks for $120 in premium gas and two tanks of nitrous oxide…you’re close. Then, look out into the parking lot and when you see a hoopty full of drunked out skeezers yellin’ “GO GREASED LIGHTNIN”!!! You’ve got ‘em…cheap and easy.

As for us…we think there are better ways for the PoPo to spend their time and effort…like bringing Brianna justice. Guess it’s much easier bustin’ Mario Andretti than it is to catch a killer. Easy? Yes. High priority? No.

(8.-)

Friends With Benefits

Looks like Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons isn't even gonna let the ink dry on his divorce before he hits the town with another piece of eye candy. Hey, we don't blame him. After all, he is quite the looker and no governor should ever have to go to bed or to dinner or to a movie all by his lonesome. With that said, we've come up with three women who would be a good match for GJG:

1. Princess Beatrice: She's a bit googly-eyed, she's not blonde and she might be a bit young for the Gov, but she has friends and family in high places. Good to have on your side while your career is sinking like the anchor of the Titanic.

2. Ivanka Trump: She has the money and the pedigree to become a major player in the Republican party. Problem is, her dad thinks Nevada IS a wasteland. Could be a conflict of interest with all of his holdings on the east coast. Thanks for the help Donny!

3. Christie Brinkley. Recently divorced so she can be had on the rebound. Has her own money. Blonde. The one problem we might have with this one is that ChristieB is not only smokin' hot, she's smart too. If she opens her mouth, we might find out how smart Governor Jim is...and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

(8.-)

Time for Some Campaignin'

No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. Dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots. -- Barbara Ehrenreich

As the World Terms

The Republican revolution of 1994 brought a lot of crappy ideas to the forefront. Flag burning amendments, gay marriage amendments, tax cuts for the rich amendments. But another idea that came out of that conservative wave of icky-ness was term limits. Worst. Idea. Ever.

When we first heard about term limits we cried from the mountaintop, “NOOOO! We already HAVE term limits. It’s called your VOTE!” And the unwashed masses stared blankly back at us as if we were speaking a foreign language. They’d been told that term limits would break the back of old-time cronyism, get the fat-cats out of office and get some new blood in there. The people spoke and term limits passed.

Now it looks like a couple of buzz-kills are trying to hang on to the last vestiges of public life by suing to save their term-limited J.O.B.s. We know why they’re doing it…it’s just that we wish they’d come clean to us about why they’re doing it.

You see, they’ll tell you that Nevada will lose valuable experience and decades of political knowledge with the loss of term-limited legislators. They’ll tell you that they love Nevada and her people and that they only think of those needs. They’d say that to you…and they’d be lying.

See the recent state our State is in? They’re cuttin’ programs like a Mohel cuttin’ Bris. Who’s been in charge? The same folks who wanna stay in charge. Reality is, when you’re in the last years of a political career, you’re more likely to set yourself up with a future lobbying job than to do the people’s business. How do we know? They’re spending an awful lot of money defending a shitty-paying job. Now we don’t like mandatory term limits. But that’s what the election was for. The law’s the law. So pack your bags folks…and get the hell outta Dodge.

(8.-)

For a Few Dollars More

A politician is a pandering, grab-ass, cracker, bourgie, me first, adultering, glorified, snake oil selling, cute & fuzzy bunny.

A statesman is a visionary with a grasp of the situation, solutions to the problem and an eye on the future.

What we need here in the NV is more statesmen and fewer politicians.

When they say they love America and they're looking out for your interests...They're LYING!

We'll expect resignation papers shortly.

(8.-)

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

We haiku about the recent trouble of one of the most famous athletes to come out of THE University of Nevada:

Tony Z - Kicker

gets the girl by drugging her.

Jocks feel entitled.

Where did you learn this?

Didn't football teach you class?

Or did you skip class?

(8.-)

Thought Bubbles

Gotta get some things off the proverbial chest…


If the state of Nevada is so hard-up for money and it costs between $35,000 and $60,000 a year to house an inmate; WTF has the state only executed eight percent of inmates on death row in the past 25 years? C’mon guys…we don’t wanna be like Texas here but SHEESH! They’re on DEATH ROW for a reason! Y’all could save money by starting there.



Uh oh…we see that former Nevada football player Tony Zendejas is having a bad day. Just goes to show you…once a Wolf Pack football player, always a Wolf Pack football player. Chris Ault’s career must be spinning in its grave.



What’s the big deal watching overpaid, over-hyped, uber-ego celebrities playing in a golf tournament? It would be one thing if Tiger, Phil and Vijay were battling it out on the links but the Donald, Bread Truck and Jack Friggin’ Wagner? No. Way.



JonBenet Ramsey’s family was cleared of any suspicion in her death by coppers down in the 303. Took ya long enough Joe Friday. It’s been more than a decade and there still isn’t a suspect. You’d think they’d have figured out SOMETHING by now. You’d think…but you’d be wrong.



And finally…we knew that “Tad the Bad” couldn’t stay off the airwaves very long. The only thing bigger than his waist is his massive ego. He actually thinks he looks good on camera. UGH! The brother gives new meaning to the term “wide shot.”



(8.-)

Persian Missile Crisis

King George warned us about the “pussification of America.” Ike warned us about the “military-industrial complex.” Here’s an example of both:

Yesterday, a charter member of the “Axis of Evil” tested a couple of missiles. Poor little things. They’ve got a range as far as a Hummer on half tank of gas and can’t carry anything heavier than a supermodel’s butt cheek but the tighty-righties are goin’ ballistic (pun intended) over the perceived threat to Israel. Well folks, it’s all crap.

Full disclosure: We here at PTB love us some Persians. When we were matriculating up at THE University of Nevada, there were more Iranian exchange students per capita than any other college in the USofA. Besides, have you seen their women? Aye Caramba! Anyway…


It seems that the Bush-Wipes are skid marking their Underoos in an attempt to get a missile defense shield up and working in Eastern Europe. They’re so scared right now you can hear their teeth chattering and they’re trying to scare the bejeezus out of the rest of America too. Why? ‘Cause when the bad guys rattle a few sabers, the majority of Americans start whimpering like lost puppies. Friggin’ wusses.

Face the facts folks, Iran is gonna get nukes and we can’t stop ‘em. How do we know? Our military is FUBAR, we’ve got no scratch and our worldwide cred hangs at the same level as Burkina Faso. Besides, what gives us the right to tell another country that they can’t have nuclear energy/nuclear weapons? You say that the Iranians are state-sponsors of terror? Ask a Nicaraguan or a Venezuelan or an Angolan what superpower funds THEIR terrorists. You got it…we do. So much for the high moral ground.

You say we need to protect Israel? You’re kidding, right? Israel doesn’t need our protection. Hell, they’ve got one of the top armies in the world. They’re loaded with battle-hardened vets and state-of-the-art weapons systems. If Iran wants to pick a fight with Israel, they’ll get their asses handed to ‘em. Just ask Syria, Egypt and Jordan. SPANK! Israel v. Iran would look a lot like Hagler v. Hearns (Iran being Tommy Hearns). No Israel will be just fine on her own.

No, the reason the neo-con fascist turd blossoms are making such a stink is so they can put more and more of your hard-earned money into the pockets of Raytheon, Halliburton, General Dynamics and the rest of their corporate buddies. So while they let healthcare and education and infrastructure rot to shit, their fat-cat buddies roll in the dough. All the while, Americans follow like sheep. Like King George said, “As long as Americans have cell phones that can make pancakes, they don’t give a shit about the rest of the world.” Sad but true.

(8.-)

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Goofy with an Uzi? Looks like the Happiest Place on Earth just got a bit happier.

Here at PTB we love our guns. We pack heat. We think EVERYONE should 10-32. That’s why we’re not too worried that tighty-righties in the Sunshine State want employees of Disney World to be able to CARRY GUNS.

Two reasons:


First, anyone who’s ever worked with kids knows that the little buggers could use a good wingin’ now and then. Brings new meaning to the term “time out”. We’re not talking ‘bout poppin’ a cap in little Billy, but if the little raggamuffin kicks Donald Duck in the shin again…POW!



And secondly, just think, no one will ever want to commit a crime at DW ever again. Why? ‘Cause if you were the guy that got shot by Minnie Mouse…you wouldn’t last a minute in the slam. You’d be the laughingstock of your cell block. Now that’s what we call a deterrent.



We kid though…Dis-ployees WOULDN'T be able to carry weapons into the park. They’d have to leave ‘em in their cars. Opponents point out that lots of people get capped by someone who got angry, went back to their car and got a gun. Florida State Representative Stan Mayfield defends the new law by saying that your car is an extension of your home…KEWL!



As soon as we get to DW’s parking lot, we’re gonna do the nasty in the back seat, take a wiz out of the side window, then hang our laundry to dry on the open hood. After all, that’s what we do in OUR house.


Actually, our house is really Mom & Dad’s house…we just live in the basement…but we’ll get their permission.


(8.-)

Monday Meanderings

The Monday after a holiday is the hardest day of the year to go to work. Alcohol. tobacco and barbeque sauce still on your breath (and fingers). The sweet smell of burned sulphur in your nose and the sight of the rockets red glare etched on to the back of your retinas. Yup, the Monday after a holiday is a tough one so we’re gonna go light and do a couple of hit-and-runs.





No end in sight for the salmonella outbreak. The FDA continues to investigate but they’re as clueless as a bag of doorknobs. Can you say Keystone Cops? Funny, notice how all the ingredients suspected in this whole circle-puke are in Mexican food? Tomatoes, cilantro, jalapeños. SHEESH! Like our brown-skinded brothers from Mexico need more shit from the tighty-righties. Guess that asinine immigration wall is working out just the way the government-cheese wants it to.





Seems old, infirm and sickly prisoners in Cali are puttin’ a crimp in the state budget. No shit. Problem is, the United States has more people in prison than friggin’ CHINA! WTF is up with that? Oh yeah. If you’re Mexican or brown-skinded or you put drugs in your system not okayed by the feds you’re livin’ in the gray bar motel long time. If you’re a white, bourgie, celebrity type you get let off the hook. You think if Tatum O’Neil was you or me she’d have gotten off like she did? No. If it were you and me, we’d be languishing in Gitmo. Guaranteed.





So, the University of Nevada has run up a tab for outside legal fees to the tune of 1.7 million dollars. Huh? UNR is cutting programs like they’re overgrown toenails. They’re cranking up student tuition and fees and then they run up a bill like this. Someone’s Wolf Pack head should be on a platter over this cluster-fuck. BTW…if the football team routinely loses two million dollars a year, why not cut THAT waste of money? It’s not like anyone goes to football games anyway. Besides, UNR’s stance is that football can, eventually, increase revenues. Right. By beating the snot out of Sacramento State? By playing nowhere in a nothing bowl the day after Thanksgiving? Hey Glickety-Split…just ‘cause the Little General can kick your ass doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider cutting him loose. After all, you’ve fired coaches with much better teams and much better records.





And finally…according to the AP, pools and parks are starting to open in Baghdad. Great. Brings new meaning to the ol’ CANNONBALL! Oh yeah…in this picture…the lifeguard at the pool is fully dressed in COMBAT GEAR! How’s he gonna jump in and save anyone with all that Kevlar on? He’d sink right to the bottom. Better than getting IED’d but its STILL the Suck.




(8.-)

War of the Ho'ses

We got lucky when the Supreme Court appointed Chimp-Dick to the highest gig in the land. No, not because we wanted to break the military with two illicit wars, not because we wanted a gallon of gas to cost more than a lobster dinner and not even ‘cause we wanted the government-cheese to wipe their collective asses with the Constitution. No, we got lucky ‘cause GWB married Laura Welch.




See, we grew up with skanks like "Just Say No" Nancy, Mrs. Bush Vol.1 and Sir Edmund Hillary serving as first ladies. Talk about a Wolf Pack. ARF! But Mrs. Bush…lol…we said Mrs. BUSH…HAW! She’s a stone-cold fox.




When we heard that Americans are debating which potential first lady they’d like better, Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain, we had to drop our dime on this one ‘cause we like ‘em BOTH!




Michelle Obama is one smokin’ hot MILF. We’d tap that ass in a New York Minute. Hop in the sack with her and it’s “LIVIN’ THE VIDA MOCHA!” She’s the hippest, coolest thing to hit the DC since Jackie-O…and, you just KNOW there was a reason why they called her that! From here on, the ‘Bamer’s wife shall be known as Michelle-O. We sure wonder if she’s worthy of the “O”. Our guess is yes.




On the other side of the aisle is Cindy McCain. Now she’s a smokin’ hot GILF. The former beauty queen has that look that says “I’m classy in public and a ‘ho in the bedroom. YIKES! How do we know? She was bangin’ Senator McSame while he was married. Evil, nasty, dirty girl! From here on Mrs. McCain shall be known as Sin-D. Besides, she’s filthy, stinkin’ rich! She’s so loaded, she makes Bill Gates look like he’s homeless!




Either way you slice it, we’re gonna have four more years of a hot, sexy first lady. Maybe we’ll do a booty call on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Monica Lewinsky did and she's a MAJOR skank!



(8.-)

Art-tastic

We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention that July is Artown here in the 775. “WTF is Artown,” you ask? Well, Artown is a month-long orgy of sights and sounds and tastes and smells. We bring in musicians, painters, sculptors, dancers, singers and more. There’s stuff to do all over the area and a lot of it is free. Now THAT’S our kind of price range.




But the funny thing about hosting Artown is how open the local crackers are to all these freaky peoples. We’ve got tie-dyed hippies, brown-skinded brothers and sisters and all other sorts of artsy types. Normally, those folks are the ones that get run out of town on a rail. Not in July. Nope. In July, we welcome ‘em all with open arms. Come August though, they’d all better be headin’ back to Cali or wherever the hell they come from…they don’t tolerate fur-ners much ‘round here.


(8.-)

Band Aid

Say it ain't so uncle Miltie! Turns out that the cuts made by THE University of Nevada include the Pride of the Sierra. Can you imagine a college football game without a marching band? We can't. Suggestions for halftime entertainment range from recorded music to bringing in high school bands. Is there one iota of gray matter up there at UNR? If so, we'd like someone to point it out 'cause it sure isn't visible from here.

Look, we've heard the recorded music y'all play at Mackay Stadium. Yo...the '80's are OVER! Welcome to the Jungle? C'mon...the selection of recorded music at Mackay Stadium sounds like a decades-old teen movie soundtrack. Can you say hair bands? UGH! We've heard better tunes from Mom & Dad's Lawrence Welk record collection!

As far as high school bands are concerned...WTF are you thinking! There's a reason those kids play in a high school band...'cause they're in HIGH SCHOOL!!! You wouldn't dare start a 16-year-old at quarterback. He'd get killed! What makes you think a band full of 16-year-olds wouldn't get the same treatment?

The sad part is, the band gets cut and football goes on. But when school is over, the jock-straps head out into the real world poorly prepared for what lies ahead. Why? 'Cause it ain't football. On the other hand...band members are musicians for life. They have a gift, a talent, for making sweet sounds. They'll take that talent wherever they go. Alas...wherever they DO go...it won't be to the University of Nevada.

When Grambling State University and their Tiger Marching Band come up to the 775 next year, you'll see....halftime IS game time. Personally, we'd rather have seen the band than the football team...at least the band didn't suck.

(8.-)