10,000 Maniacs

So, the 'Bamer rolled into the RNO today. The crowd up at the "U" was so big, we thought the ladies from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch were givin' out free samples!


Like him or not, you've gotta admit...the 'Bamer can draw a crowd. Too bad he couldn't play Downtown. That way we wouldn't have had to close Fitzgerald's.


(8.-)

Dressing Down

Damn, Reg Dunlop died over the weekend. Best hockey coach we ever saw. Problem is, Mom got creeped out and made us go to the pantry and throw away all of our salad dressing and spaghetti sauce. She was worried they’d all start to smell like John McCain’s house and we’d get gobknobbled by cadaver dogs. UGH!


Same thing happened in '95 When Orville Redenbacher took the ole “dirt nap.” We haven’t had popcorn since.


We can only hope that Mrs. Butterworth keeps her cholesterol problem in check, Aunt Jemima loses some of those extra pounds and Uncle Ben continues his healthy ways. If not, mealtime in the future will be quite lonely.


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Let's Get It On

Well folks...here it comes. We've been waitin' for this bad boy for a long time. This is gonna be bigger than Hagler/Hearns. This is gonna be bigger than Yankees/Dodgers. Hell, this'll be bigger and better than Enterprise versus the Borg. So, sit back, relax and enjoy. We will.


(8.-)

Let Them Play

Is John McCain full of shit, or what? This is what he said today in regard to the economic clusterfuck:

"It is difficult to act both quickly and wisely, but that is what is required of us right now. Time is short, and doing nothing is not an option."


Umm…actually, doing nothing IS an option…just not one that Uncle Fester and the ‘Bamer are gonna take. BTW, you know where you hear terms like “Act Now!” and “Time is Running Out!”? Used car lots and screaming car commercials. Heck, We half expect Senator McSame to hit the podium next time wearing a green suit with dollar signs all over it.


Look JMac…there’s nothing you can do in the next week that you wouldn’t have been able to do in the last 25 years of your political career. Do us all a favor…show up and take your ass-whoopin’ like a man. We’ll dally it in haiku:

To debate or not
Is John McCain pussin’ out?
That is the question


Economy’s bad!
Did you just figure that out?
What took you so long?



It’s debate time dude!
Words will come back to bite you.
Bamer’s smoove. You’re toast.


Don’t worry Grandpa
It will all be over soon
Can you say landslide?

Ace of Base(ball)

Well, they picked the name for the 775’s AAA Baseball team. Wait for it…wait for it… ladies and gentlemen, meet your new Reno Aces. Reno Aces? That’s about as original as a remake of Batman.


Family friendly? Aces. Smokin' Aces? Ace Holes? Doesn’t anyone remember how easily it was for kids in school to change your name into a horrible nickname?


We thought baseball was anti-gambling. Sheesh! That's the best name they could come up with? Shoeless Joe and Charlie Hustle must be spinning in their graves. BTW...ANYONE who knows the 775 knows that red is the color of the Devil.


And WTF does Aces have to do with the parent club? The fact that Arizona and Aces both start with the letter “A”?


SHEESH! We thought “Bighorns” was a crappy name. It seems like SK Baseball let their GM’s granddaughter name the team. If this is the best name SK Baseball’s marketing department can come up with it’s gonna be a long, lonely, cash-strapped road.


(8.-)

Dawn Patrol

We make no secret of it…here at PTB we love us some Dawn Gibbons. If we had our way, we’d slather her up with some tangy barbeque sauce and work her like a pork rib…but that’s the crux of another biscuit.



We just read that the soon-to-be former First Lady of Nevada is suing GJG for more muscle after he cut the number of NHP troopers watching over her. The Gov’s office reported earlier this month that Delta Dawn won’t be given security for non-official functions like going to the gym or stoppin’ by her momma's house. As usual, PTB to the rescue.



Madam First Lady, may we offer ourselves up to be at your service. Mind you, we don’t go to swanky parties or cotillions or soirées so your social calendar might get a little light. But hangin’ with us really isn’t so bad.



Mom & Dad’s basement is nice and cool in the summer and not too cold in the winter. We play beer pong and video games into the wee hours of the night. Heck, we even take the occasional shower but if you moved in, we’d take a LOT more (that way your momma won’t hate us).



So, whadda ya say First Lady? You’re a free woman…we’ll make you an honest one. Bring plenty of napkins, toothpicks and dental floss. As Theron famously said in the movie 300, “If we were lesser men, she’d be set on us still.” YOW!



(8.-)

Lemme Hold A Dollar

Much like the little raggimuffin Oliver holding out his empty gruel bowl and asking the head of the orphanage, “Please sir, may I have some more?” Chimp-Dick stood in front of the American people last week and asked for $700 BILLION to bail out the bourgie fat-cat bankers of Wall Street.


There are two prongs to the fundamentalist extremists in the Reflublican party. The warmongering hawks like Dr. Evil, Rummy and Karl Rove and the economic, free-market turds like Phil Gramm and John McCain. Both groups have only their selfish interests at heart. Don’t believe us? We’ll go with the neo-econo-cons for now…


Back in the day Ronald “Celebrity, Actor, Elitist” Reagan helped his tighty-righty friends deregulate the Savings and Loan industry. What happened? The greedy rat-bastards stole all their investors’ money and the Government-Cheese bailed ‘em out with…wait for it…wait for it…taxpayer money!


Since then they’ve deregulated, then had to bail out:

Energy Corporations

The Housing Market

Banks

Insurance Companies

And now, possibly, the Auto industry.


Ay Caramba! They deregulate an industry so their corporate cronies can steal all the money they can, then they put us…you and me…on the hook for the bill. It’s called corporate welfare and the Reflublicans are fond of it. Think about it…


If you opened up an ice cream store and only served flavors like Mushroom Cap and Potato-skin Swirl or Liver and Onion Sorbet…all the while skimming profits and cooking the books…you’d go out of business pretty quick. If that happened, do you think the Government-Cheese would bail you out? Hell. No.


Do you know who famously said, “The fundamentals of our economy are strong.”? If you’d have said John McCain…you’d only be 2008 right. The first person we can confirm said it was…wait for it…wait for it…HERBERT FRIGGIN’ HOOVER! He said it in 1931. Nice. What’s that they say about those who forget history? Nah, forget it…



(8.-)

Pay for Play

Today we wanna talk about two things we know a lot about but, sadly, have very little of…sex and money. Livin’ in Mom & Dad’s basement and blogging all day isn’t as glamorous or lucrative as you might think.


Y’all know that the Silver State is in a crunch for cash. Thank you Chimp-Dick. The Government-Cheese is cutting so much it looks like Floyd the Barber on steroids. Well, a couple of days ago, the economic powers-that-be got together to figure out our financial future. What did they come up with?


“We have to teach people to compete like never before, and enjoy it," said John Luthy, a “speaker-facilitator” (read: overpaid lackey) talking to the Nevada Commission on Economic Development. Great. Their idea on turning around our economy is for the little guy to work HARDER. This bobblehead gets PAID to spout nonsense? YIKES! Well…we’re here to tell you about our idea to get us out of this financial shitstorm. Y’all won’t have to work any harder but like Mr. Luthy mentioned above…you’ll enjoy it!


Last year, a brother paid $145,000 for the rights to the name of “Mustang Ranch.” The name only. SHEESH! Lord knows what the brother woulda paid for…you know…ACTUAL boobies but that’s the crux of our biscuit today.


Nevada should mainstream prostitution. “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” say the puritanical hypocrites. Not so fast people…check it.


The selling of sexual favors is already legal in most parts of the state. Problem is, where it IS legal…is the middle of BFE! But if The Silver State makes it as easy to get laid as it is to order a pizza, there’ll be several positive results…



The tax money generated from legal prostitution would make gaming taxes look like an old, worn out dollar bill.


No skanks hasslin’ tourists on the street.


No more violence against streetwalkers by pimps and johns.


No more need for the PoPo to go undercover to bust horny people. They’ll be able to go catch the REAL bad guys like murders and rapists and terrorists and Karl Rove.


It would be HUGE for the tourism industry. Do you know how many sexually repressed people there are just in Utah? MILLIONS. Hell, people would come to Nevada from around the world just to check it out.


Now, we know a lot of y’all out there got your Underoos in a bunch over this idea so we wanna give you an example of the hypocrisy of the illegality of selling one’s body for the horizontal tango.


A nineteen-year-old kid, just outta high school can sell his body to the NBA to play basketball. He’ll get damned good money for it too. Hell, Major League Baseball buys their meat as young as sixteen years old. You can sell you body (for not much) to Uncle Sam. You won’t get any sex out of it but you sure might get IED’ed. So, if people can sell their bodies for all sorts of work, even dangerous work, why make it illegal to charge money to put Tab “A” into Slot “B”?


Heck, if you have sex with a woman (or man) that you picked up in the bar but didn’t charge any money, that’d be legal. So, what makes swapping scratch for scratches on your back so bad?


No, we say legalize sex for money. Make it as easy as goin’ to the drive-thru at McDonalds. When they do…as always…we’ll have to order from the Dollar Menu.



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Bill's Blown Gasket

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Government-Cheese to the Rescue

The USofA’s financial sector is so messed up right now, we just wanna kick someone’s ass…ANYONE’S ass. So we decided we needed to calm down and vent with a haiku…



When big business fails

Government-Cheese bails ‘em out.

When you fail…good luck.



Wall Street fat-cats ask

“Corporate Welfare for us.

Porsches are not cheap.”



Lose your life savings?

Not if you’re bourgie-assed rich.

Poor man’s goin’ down.


(8.-)

Why Book Learnin is Expensive

Adam and Eve
went to the tree
to take a bite of knowledge.


God came down
and looked around
And said, “Now pay your own way through college!



(8.-)



Special props to our own Casey Kasten for helpin’ out with that one. It’s a beautiful sight seein’ those Reynolds School of Journalism grads hard at work.

Fluff Bombing

We’re gonna do a quick drive by today, so hang on…


This is a perfect example why Michael Vick can munch on our doodleberries. Man has seizure, man needs medical attention. Who calls 911? HIS DOG! Yup...and the canine with the cranium didn’t even need to call information to get the number. He’d already dialed 911 for his owner on two other occasions. They don’t call ‘em “man’s Best Friend” for nothin’.


The two states with the highest dropout rates for high schoolers? The Silver State and the Great White North. Following close behind…Mississippi, Alabama, Texas and the rest of the bass-ackward deep south. No more wondering how the hell those guys can vote Republican time and time again -- no brain pans.


Foreclosures in the 775 jumped 46% in August. People are losing their homes at an astounding rate. Hmmm…and who’s been in charge the last eight years? Tighty-righty.


It looks like the FDA has approved an “anti-nausea patch” to help people undergoing chemo. Waste. Of. Time. We already have the best nausea-killer in the world growin’ naturally. It’s called the Kind. Wanna know why ganja is illegal and the new FDA patch isn’t? ‘Cause with the chronic, Cheech and Chong get the cash with the new patch…Big Pharma gets the loot. Guess who the government-cheese is gonna side with on that one?


And finally…


Yesterday, The Invisible Man in the Sky’s Right Hand Man here on Earth said that people must accept death at “The hour chosen by God.” Screw that bub. That’s why they have Sudafed, NyQuil, Bayer Aspirin and Band Aids. If the Big Guy gets to decide…why the hell do we have House and Hawkeye and Marcus Welby? No, we will not go quietly in to that good night. Y’all gonna have to take us outta here kickin’ and screamin’. So, when You’re ready, You’d better call Your bouncers ‘cause we’re not gonna go there without a fight.


(8.-)

Boob Tube Banned by Boobs

As a rule, we don’t talk much about television ‘round here because…


FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars…


But last week, Saudi Arabia's top judiciary official issued a religious decree saying it is permissible to kill owners of satellite TV networks that broadcast “immoral” content because it causes the "deviance of thousands of people.” WOW…that’s some heavy guilt there. We knew television had influence on people but we had no idea it had that kinda pull.


The crux of today’s biscuit is twofold…


Saudi Arabia is George W. Bush’s closest ally and bestest friend. Now, Chimp-Dick has said time and time again that America will not tolerate oppressive regimes. That’s one of the (later) reasons he gave us for invading Iraq. So, how come WPE is willing to break our army by invading Mesopotamia and he licks the sweat off the nut sacks of Saudi Arabian leaders? It’s called being a hypocrite and anyone who doesn’t see that is either dumber than a bag of doorknobs or so far right that they make Karl Rove look like Teddy Kennedy.


Secondly…do you really think the Saudi royal family turns off the television when the Sopranos comes on? No. Fact of the matter is, those BSC motherhubbards watch Desperate Housewives, Weeds, Big Love , American Idol and all the other “immoral” shows out there in the comfort and privacy of their palaces while they down 40’s and smoke the “O”. Meanwhile, the unwashed masses don’t even have enough money to piss in a pot.


Control what people read, control what they see on television, control what they hear on the radio and they won’t realize what assholes y’all are. Saudi Arabia may be pResident Bush’s paramour but we know they’re just another bass-ackward third-world country, keepin’ down the little guy and living to excess. It’s what the Shah of Iran did the same thing and look what happened to him!


(8.-)

Thirty-Nine Years in One Minute

Sorry 'bout bein' all negative lately. It seems like the last months of the Bush Administration are taking it's toll. But today, we're gonna lighten things up.



The video above is a perfect example of why the Simpsons is the greatest television show ever.


FULL DISCLAIMER: Every time you watch the Simpsons, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.


Enjoy the vid and your weekend. We'll be back on Monday.


(8.-)

Seven Years of Darkness

Seven years…it’s been seven years since OBL and his minions took a bite outta the Big Apple. If you were on Planet E at the time, you know exactly where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news and if you’re anything like us…you wanted vengeance. What we got were damned lies, band-aids and flag pins.


Seven years, thousands of military casualties, hundreds of thousands of civilians dead, billions of dollars…wasted.


In seven years, we haven’t brought one single terrorist to justice.


In seven years, we're still not even close to catching OBL.


In seven years, the ports and borders are still unprotected from another terrorist attack.


In seven years, the best idea they could come up with on airport security was to confiscate shampoo bottles and cigarette lighters.


In seven years we’ve gone from being the shining beacon of freedom in the world to become a terrorist state in our own right…torturing, killing, lying.


In seven years, the Bush-Wipes broke the army, bankrupted the treasury, nearly wiped out the middle class, started spying on American citizens, all while looking us straight in the face and telling us what a good job they’ve been doing. POPPYCOCK.


Somewhere on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border OBL is kickin’ back in his cave, watchin’ Al Jazeera on his 52” flat-screen, sippin’ on a forty and smilin’ that smile of his. He knows he kicked our asses. Nineteen guys with boxcutters brought down the most powerful nation in the world…all with a little help from pResident George W. Bush and his ilk.



In seven years WPE has done nothing to keep us safe, he’s done nothing to prevent the next attack, he’s done nothing but try to scare the bejeezus out of us in an attempt to keep his party in power. Seven dark years of GWB in office seems like forever and it can’t get over soon enough for us. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again. Worst. President. Ever.


@:
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Boom Boom...Out Go the Lights

There's a reason we like scientists better than creationists. Creationists say, "God says it so it must be true." Proof or not. On the other hand, scientists say, "Einstein said it, so let's prove him wrong. Or, at least, prove him right."


Well, today the scientists have the creationists' panties in a bunch. Over in the EU, scientists are revvin' up the Large Hadron Collider. They're gonna zip around a couple o' protons and then blow 'em up. Creationists think it'll create a black hole that'll swallow the world. Our question to the God folks: Don't you think your deity would, you know, step in and stop this shizzle before it ended the world? C'mon guys...faith of a mustard seed!


Anyway...the video above is a perfect example of why "Schoolhouse Rock" was one of the greatest man-made creations in history. If these brothers can make particle physics fun and interesting, just think what they could do for religion. Here's hoping they don't.


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MeTarded

Me-Tard (adj) Someone who is so self-centered as to seem dumb to "normal" people.




If you’re gonna vote for John McCain just’cause his running mate is a smokin’ hot VPILF…you might be a MeTard.


If you wag your morally righteous finger in our face and warn us about eternal damnation then turn around and let your teenage daughter get knocked up…you might be a MeTard.


If you think that a storm hitting the Gulf Coast is God’s way of punishing the gays…you might be a MeTard.


If you think anyone in the USo’A beside the Bush-Wipes gives one shizzle about the Russia/Georgia conflict…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the Invisible Man in the Sky cares about who wins the Super Bowl, the Presidential election or the war in Iraq…you might be a MeTard.


If you think teen pregnancy, gay sex or burning the American flag is immoral…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the media is liberal but don’t realize that images of flag-draped coffins are totally absent from the nightly news…you might be a MeTard.


And finally…


If you believe one campaign promise from one candidate will be kept…you’re not only a MeTard…you might wanna check the note pinned to your shirt. That’ll tell you who you are, where you need to go and who’s gonna claim you.


(8.-)

The Rich Get Richer While the Poor Get Screwed

If you opened a business and then ran it into the ground, you’d be dirt poor faster than Usain Bolt covers a hundred meters. The bill collectors and the Government-Cheese would be on you like a hound dog humpin’ a stranger’s leg.



So we’ve gotta ask…WTF is the government doin’ bailing out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? WPE says he’s tryin’ to keep the economy afloat. Thanks Chimp-Dick…you’re the one who got us into this clusterfuck in the first place. Now you wanna help? Now we're really gonna be screwed.



The crux of today’s biscuit is simple. If you’re a bourgie rich motherhubbard, the Government-Cheese will help you out with tax cuts and bailouts. If you’re middle class or lower…bend over and take one in the poop shoot. After all...they've gotta screw someone! We say it all the time...when they tell you that they care about the American people…they’re lying!



(8.-)

RNC Ya Later

Last night’s RNC Convention-ender is a stark reminder to anyone wanting to go into politics….learn to read a TelePrompter. If you don’t, you risk looking like a skeevy, creepy old perv. Just ask Senator McSame. But while most peeps were watchin’ the convention on networks like MSNBC, CNN or Faux News…we were watchin’ it all on C-Span. The difference? No bobbleheads…no spin…no commercials…wall-to-wall uninterrupted coverage. It’s what we like to say is: “balls to the wall.”



So, if you weren’t watchin’ C-Span, you probably missed the scariest thing to happen in quite some time. Just as the convention was ending…balloons poppin’ in the background like shots from an M-16…up walks a preacher man. As he spoke, the crowd quieted and the preacher man launched into a prayer.



He asked the Invisible Man in the Sky to watch over the Republican party and to watch over John McCain and to help the tighty-righties win the election. Oh yeah…and don’t forget to watch over our troops. That got us thinkin’…which party does JZeus support? Do you think it’s the Republican Party? We demonstrate with haiku…




Kill ‘em in Iraq
Revenge for 9-11
Osama’s not there.


Right-wing war machine
Russia, Iran, Syria
WTF is next?


Tax cuts for the rich
Let the poor folks help themselves
Get a job suckers!



POW J-Mac
How many houses you have?
A lot more than us.



Little guys hurtin’
Trickle-down economy
doesn’t help the poor.




Hey God, you up there?
Republicans claim you’re theirs
That, or they’re lying.


(8.-)

Sarah Palin Tall

Here at PTB there’s nothing that chaps our collective asses more than the hypocrisy of politicians. Last night’s Republican National Convention was a shining example of why we constantly sport pink cheeks. A couple of things stuck out…



With all their talk about the USo’A bein’ the greatest country in the world and the diversity of its people…notice how there’s a dearth of brown-skinded brothers and sisters at the RNC? That place is filled with so much white it looks like a huge bowl of Uncle Ben’s rice. SHEESH…there are so many crackers in StP, it looks like a Saltine factory exploded. Hey re-flub-licans…whitey isn’t the only one livin’ in America. Guess they think “diversity” is the place you play college sports.



Smokin’ hot VPILF Sarah Palin gave a barn-burner of a speech last night and afterward Delaware's own JoeyB said that her family should be “of limits” to the media. Nice try bub. Ya see, Palin believes JZeus is head honcho and people should do WTF he says or risk eternal damnation. We’re kewl with ED but we’ve gotta ask…”Yo VPILF…how’s that religion-based abstinence program for teens goin’? See, Palin doesn’t believe in sex education, condoms or the pill. She thinks prayer’s gonna keep the li’l ones from goin’ carnal and gettin' preggers. Guess what? It. Doesn’t. Work.



Lastly…and we ask this often…if Sarah Palin is truly a Christian woman, full of Christian values, livin’ and lovin’ the words of JZeus, how the hell can she support the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? In other words, who would JZeus blow up? The answer is NOBODY! She may be a conservative, she may SAY she loves JZeus…but NO WAY is Sarah Palin a Christian. Don’t believe? Just read Matthew 25: 35-40. Or better yet…read the sixth commandment. Damned hypocrite.




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Shoot Me Once...Shoot Me Twice...

We had a hoot last night watching the Republican National Convention. Does anyone else think Joe Lieberman sounds like Bad Luck Schleprock from the Bam Bam & Pebbles Show? “Wowzie wowzie woo woo.” Simply hilarious.


The combination of Flip-Flop Joe and the Smirking Chimp was a perfect example of how not to give a speech. But Fred Thompson pulled that Buick out of the mud. He got up and drawled about Senator John McCain’s life…did a pretty good job too. But Hollywood Elite boy turned good ole’ boy said something that got us thinkin’…


John McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students. Pretty weak, even by Republican standards. But what got our attention was the fact that Senator McSame was on the USS Forrestal when it caught fire. Ya see, some dumbass accidentally shot a missile while on the flight deck and blew the dog snot outta 295 crewmen, killing 134.


The crux of this biscuit is simple…


John McCain got shot down over Hanoi. John McCain got shot down on his own aircraft carrier. If John McCain becomes President…how long before he gets shot down in Air Force One? Just asking.



(8.-)

XXX Files

So, David Duchovny has checked into rehab ‘cause he’s a sex addict. Hey DD, you’re married to Tia Leone…you’d BETTER be a sex addict! Heck, you used to be a Hollywood A-Lister, You probably got more trim in one week of X-Files than we’ve gotten in our whole lives.



Smokin’ hot VPILF Sarah Palin’s unwed, 17-year-old daughter is preggers. FULL DISCLOSURE: None of the brothers here at PTB were responsible. The tighty-righties heard about Palin’s fertile offspring and skidmarked their Underoos. Hey GOP…didn’t the Invisible Man in the Sky tell you sex is only supposed to be between a man and his wife? Don’t try to sell us your Puritanical bullshit if you don’t even believe it yourselves.


(8.-)