Trippin'

It’s official. Al Franken is the new junior senator from the great state of Minnesota. That means the US Senate has its first member to have admitted to snortin' coke and dropping acid. HUZZAH! Now, if only Mark "Of The Beast" Sanford and Johnny “Wad” Ensign would fess up to all their indiscretions, we’d be getting somewhere.

Going Away Party

The story said that Iraqis were celebrating wildly in the streets as U.S. military personnel evacuated Baghdad. Remember when the Iraqis were gonna greet us as liberators? Yo Dick Cheney…how’d that work out? The one thing in the story that proves most Americans are dumber than a bag of doorknobs was the line…



"Iraqis (are) hopeful that foreign military occupation is ending six years after the invasion to depose Saddam Hussein.”



Ummm…wasn’t the invasion all about Weapons of Mass Destruction? WTF ever the hell happened to that? Oh yeah…No. Such. Thing. What about bringing democracy to the Iraqi people? Nope. The religious zealots are in charge, women have to wear burqas and regular Iraqi Joes are getting the bejeezus blown out of ‘em in marketplaces around the country. If you ask an Iraqi citizen (like we have) if they are better off now than they were when Saddam Hussein was in charge, they’d say no. Seems the only people who were happy to see us Invade Iraq were Halliburton, KBR, Chimp Dick, Dr. Evil and Rush Limbaugh. Aye caramba!


(8.-)

Mikey Likes It

This is what happens when you give Bollywood your idea. They make it totally cool.

The Thriller's Gone

You know who the two happiest motherhubbards on the planet are today? Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and Governor Mark “Of The Beast” Sanford. Thanks to Jacko takin’ a dirt nap, most Americans don’t even remember who they are or what they did. Don’t worry guys…we’ll remember for all of us.



Turn on any news channel and all you see is MJ this and MJ that. It’s like it’s the only news happenin’ anywhere. Tell you what…if the protesters in Iran want any pub, they’d better be marching to Thriller, waving Farrah Fawcett posters and chanting “Heeeeer’s Johnny.” Elsewise, they won’t get a minute.



(8.-)

Thursday Afternoon Thought Burbles

The SCOTUS ruled today that a school principal cannot strip search a 13-year-old student if he’s only searching for evidence of a couple of aspirin. DAMN…remember back in the day when you’d only get strip searched if they were lookin’ for a gun? YIKES! The SCOTUS vote was 8-1. The lone dissenter? You get three guesses but you’ll only need one. That’s right – Clarence Thomas. Yo Justice Thomas…are you still thinking with your little head instead of your big head?

Speaking of school…earlier this month at a graduation in Maine, one student walked on stage to receive his diploma and blew a kiss to his family. And WTF did school officials do? The perp-walked the little terrorist back to his seat and refused to give him his diploma. This over-stated sense of self-importance by the people in charge has been a problem ever since 9/11. Now cops, and firemen, and teachers, and republicans think that they can trample on your civil rights in order to “protect” the general population. It’s a perfect example of the pussification of America.

And lastly today…we’ve been following the events in Iran as closely as possible. Problem is, some of the images are givin’ us the willies. People getting a cap popped in ‘em? No. People getting’ the “Rudy in the Booty?” No. The thing that’s stickin’ with us is the absolute smokin’-hotness of Persian women. Smart, spunky AND beautiful. PTB…the newest uber-fan of Persian grrls.

BTW...we're doin' all we can to get Jenny Sanford and Dawn Gibbons to be the bread in a PTB sandwich. It's not Buenos Aires, but we'll make it work. Oh yeah...and Senator John "Able-Semen" Ensign...we can still see your doodle!


(8.-)

The Sanctity of Marriage?

Now, y’all know we love our GLBT peeps ‘round here at PTB. You also know where we stand on the subject of marriage: We wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if gays wanna get hitched, we think they should be able to. Of course, the religious wack-jobs out there don’t agree. They say marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Check out how bass-ackward that notion seems now…






Residents in a suburb of Nagpur, India were pretty worried that monsoon season was late. No rain equals no crops, so you can imagine their distress. What’d they do? They got together a couple of frogs (no, not French citizens, the amphibious kind) and in a full Hindu ceremony…married them! We had no idea that frog on frog marriage is legal in India. The question begs to be asked: If JZeus’ Dad doesn’t have a problem with amphibious nuptials; do you think he gives a care about gay marriage? Nope.







Speaking of marriage…for the second time in a week, a prominent, holier-than-thou, bloviating, smarmy, anti-gay marriage, reflublican, friend of JZeus got popped with a wandering doodle. Today, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina admitted to zipping down to Argentina and horn-doggin’ his paramour. And just like Johnny “The Wad” Ensign, he’s not gonna resign. Have you wondered lately WTF it’ll take to get a republican politician canned? C’mon…the whole party got their collective Underoos in a bunch over Slick Willie’s hummer but they keep their heads up their asses when it comes to their own bangin’ on a non-wife coochie.








Now, don’t think for an instant we forgot about Senator “Long” John Ensign. Yesterday, Johnny Suave had lunch with his fellow “conservatives” and apologized for his dalliances. The money quote?




“He spoke at our conference, apologized and indicated that he was going to do his job,” U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., told reporters.




Yo, Able-Semen Ensign…we thought your "job" for the last few years was getting "jobs" for (and from) your paramour, a "job" for her cuckold and a "job" for their son. Funny, the only people that seem to be getting "jobbed" are Nevada voters. Just remember y'all...You can't spell "Ensign" without "resign."





(8.-)

Hypocritical Mass

Last week the SCOTUS ruled that inmates don’t have the constitutional right to get a DNA test that might prove their innocence in a crime if the inmate has already been convicted of that crime. Remember when the USo’A would free a hundred guilty rat-bastards rather than imprison one innocent person? We do. And damn, it seems like it was a long time ago.

A watchdog group out of D.C. called, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics, wants the Senate Ethics Committee to investigate the actions of Senator John “Able-Semen” Ensign. Problem: Johnny Wad isn’t taking responsibility for his actions and, through those actions, we found out he doesn’t have any ethics either. Don’t worry guys; the election is right around the corner. Ensign is gonna get fusticated.

The lawyer for Bernie Madoff (With the Money) says his client is remorseful and that twelve years in the hoosegow is adequate punishment for the biggest fraud in American history. Donte Stallworth of the Cleveland Browns was driving drunk and killed a pedestrian. His sentence? Thirty days. Ever feel like the cute and fuzzy bunnies get all the breaks? Believe this…if it woulda been you or me, they’d have run us off to Gitmo.

And finally, speakin’ ‘bout Gitmo…the other day, republicans in Congress introduced a resolution that stated, in part,

“Congress expresses its support for all Iranian citizens who struggle for freedom, human rights, civil liberties, and the protection of the rule of law... [and] affirms the universality of individual rights…”

This is what’s so BSC about the tighty-righties. They’ll piss and moan and wail and rend garments over Iranian protests but when it comes to giving human rights, civil liberties, individual rights and the protection of the rule of law to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, they stick their collective heads back up their collective asses and hide. Republican hypocrisy. Alive and well.

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Replacement Theory

While Senator John “The Wad” Ensign’s career hasn’t officially taken a dirt nap, don’t worry, he’ll be workin’ at the Arby’s drive thru soon enough. What’s scaring the bejeezus outta some people is that when Ensign does leave the Senate, Nevada’s own Governor, Jim “Read My Lips” Gibbons, is gonna get to pick the replacement. Aye caramba. Last time Gibbons had a good idea; Teddy Roosevelt was skinny. So, in the spirit of goodwill all Silver Staters have toward one another, we’re gonna help GJG. Hell…we’ll even do it in three words:



Senator. Dawn. Gibbons.




Now, before your head explodes Guv, let me explain. Your ex-wife, Dawn is a Republican, an experienced politician and a conservative. Just like Soon-to-be former Senator John (Able-Semen) Ensign. Those are the big three you’ll be lookin’ for in a replacement anyway. But the best part? You’ll be sending your ex into the hornets’ nest that is D.C. politics. If she does well, you’ll start to look less like the douchebag we’ve all come to know and laugh at. If she tanks? You’ll have had the rare chance of stickin’ it to your ex without all those expensive lawyerin’ fees. So, be da man Gib and give yer ol’ sweetie the job. And to the soon-to-be new Senator from the great state of Nevada we say… “Yo Dawn…you remember me dontcha? Drop me a call and we’ll hook up again. I hear-tell that D.C. is beautiful in the summer and you're gonna need an escort so...I'm volunteerin'.



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A Present From Senator John Ensign

We couldn't end the week without puttin' Senator John "The Wad" Ensign's weiner in the blender just one more time. Stick close to your Twitter this weekend, folks. The revolution is a comin'...Inshallah.

Johnny Souled Out

Yesterday we riffed on Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and the meanderings of his doodle. Yo Johnny…who on your staff you think JZeus would bang? Ensign has said he isn’t gonna resign from the Senate, which is bad. But things might not be in his hands, which is good.



Ya see, while Ensign is a hypocrite for horn-doggin’ the help while at the same exact time opposing same-sex marriage, that isn’t illegal. Fucked up repugnant…but perfectly legal. No, what’s gonna get “Long” John Ensign’s nutsack in a sling is the fact that he:


Doubled the pay of his paramour during the affair…


Gave her cuckold an administrative assistant gig and paid him almost $250,000 during the affair…


AND gave their l’il shaver more than five grand for "research policy consulting." And the kid is nineteen fuckin’ years old. Aye caramba!



No…Johnny “Trouser Trout” Ensign won’t get tossed outta the Senate for bein’ a hypocritical rat-bastard but he’ll be workin’ at the drive-thru soon enough after the feds find out about all that hush money he floated. We’ll make you a deal Senator “Able Semen” Ensign. If we ever move outta the ‘rent’s basement and get us a girlfriend, we’ll let you bang her for pennies on the dollar. Hell, we won’t even tell our gay friends. Deal?



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SANCTIFY!

We don’t begrudge Senator John Ensign for bangin’ a woman that wasn’t his wife. It’s human friggin’ nature. He’s a man with wants and needs and desires just like everyone else. Heck-fire, if he was a French politician, he’d be considered a hero. No, we’re hatin’ on John “Able-Semen” Ensign’s hypocrisy. SJE was one of those religious wacko Republican nut cases in Congress who looked all of us in the eye and spouted crap about the “sanctity of marriage” and that “marriage is between one man and one woman.” Bullshit. At least, now we know how hallowed and blessed “marriage” really is to Senator “Long” John Ensign.

Now, Ensign has resigned from his position as the chairman of the Republican Policy Committee. Yo Republicans…WTF kinda policy was he makin’ for y’all? SHEESH! But, of course, he’s not gonna resign from the Senate. Neither did Senator David “Whorebanger” Vitter – neither did Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. Funny thing about tighty-righties, they gnashed teeth, rent garments and screamed bloody murder when Slick Willie Clinton got a hummer in the Oval Office but every time they get busted dipping their doodles in the wrong hole, it’s no big deal. That’s just how Republicans roll. Hey, we’re cool with that, but the next time the subject of marriage, or morals or honesty pops to the forefront, Senator Johnny “The Wad” Ensign and his ilk had better STFU!

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Bodies in Motion

Las Vegas baseball phenom, Bryce Harper is droppin’ outta high school to pursue his dream of bein’ an MLB star. The brotherhubbard is only sixteen years old and his parents are supporting his decision. Question: If parents are allowed to let their teenage son quit school and sell his “services” to big league baseball, WTF can’t their teenage daughter drop out and sell her “services” to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch? Funny, if you can swing a bat as good as the pros, they call you the "chosen one"…if you give a hummer as good as the pros, they call you a whore. Two words…Double. Standard.

In the last week Ted Rall, Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow have shown their extreme displeasure with the ‘Bamer. They accuse the President of reneging on campaign promises like releasing torture info, stopping “don’t ask/don’t tell” and universal healthcare. Maher and Rall went so far as to demand that Barry-O resign. It’s still early, but BOb is starting to look a lot like the Bush-Wipe. Question: If the President is losing support from hardcore lefties, how long ‘til the rest of the dems bail? Change you can believe in? No. Change you can Xerox. Yup.

(8.-)

Flagged

Some call it the “forgotten holiday” but here at PTB, we love us some Flag Day! Yesterday, while enjoying a celebratory case of beer in honor of F.D., we were perusing the RGJ and nearly skidmarked our Underoos when we saw the pic, on page 1D. What, you say, was so bad that would lead to such a knee-jerk response? Two words – Flag. Ties. Aye caramba!



Back in the ‘90’s, The Newtster and his posse rolled out the “Contract With America.” It was a misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic manifesto that propelled the far right to the halls of power. We’re still trying to recover from that fiasco. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



One of the highlights of the tome, was a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban flag burning. Yeah, right. Like Newt Gingrich and his ilk are smarter than Jefferson, Franklin, Madison and the rest of our old-skewl motherhubbards. Not. It seemed like the republicans were more interested in protecting the U.S. flag from desecration than they were in protecting the Constitution from ill-advised amendments from BSC politicians.



But the far-right has wrapped itself in the S&S and proclaimed that anyone with different flag-related ideas was a commie-pinko, a terrorist, or worse – a Frenchman! Remember how they vilified Barry-O for not wearing a flag pin? Well…we’ve got news for the tighty-righties out there…y’all are wrong.



Section 8d of the U.S. Flag Code reads: "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel.” Yes, peoples, we do own a copy of the U.S. Flag Code. That’s how civics geeks roll. That means no flag pins for politicians, no flag patches for the PoPo and no flag ties for the unwashed (and un-educated) masses. Isn’t it ironic that the same people who swear to uphold the constitution are the same ones wanting to amend it for political gain – all while wearing the flag like it was a red white and blue corsage? Douchebags.



So, from us here at PTB...Happy belated Flag Day everyone…not that y’all needed any remindin’.



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FryDay

Here's hoping our Persian friends have themselves a great election day. Have a great summertime weekend!


(8.-)

Home Groan

Like a lot of cities around the country, the RNO has some mondo budget problems. One of the solutions to save money was to lay off 19 firefighters. But last night several firefighters and their wives went to the City Council to plead their case. They talked about how devastated their families would be if daddy got a pink slip. They talked about how firefighters are heroes who don’t deserve this kind of treatment. After IAFF 731 decided to forego a couple of raises, the city caved and the firefighters got to keep their gigs. Question: Would any other city employee get the same break if their families lobbied the city council? No. So now instead trying to spread the pain evenly across the spectrum, the council has decided that firefighters are untouchable. Don’t you wish all workers had those kind of rights?

Monday night Letterman was makin’ hella fun of VPILF Sarah Palin and her fam. Some of his jokes were pretty crude but nothing outta the ordinary. But the tighty-righties (Palin included) had themselves a conniption over it. They freaked so much that Letterman had to issue an apology (of sorts). Isn’t it funny that when Bill-O and Fat Boy incite their audience to kill abortion doctors, Muslims or anyone else they don’t agree with, it’s called “free speech.” But when a comedian calls a right-wing politician a slut he gets vilified? SHEESH!

And finally today…there have now been three terrorist attacks, on American soil, in the last week-and-a-half. All three were carried out by BSC motherhubbards. We knew they were coming, though. Remember in April when DHS released their report saying these kinda things were gonna happen? Remember? When they released the report, what did the tighty-righties do? They demanded a retraction, an apology and the resignation of Janet Napolitano, the head of DHS. Yo Republicans…if you wanna know why y’all are goin’ the way of the Whigs, look no further than this. They say they want to protect the citizenry, they say they want to keep America safe…and since they're politicians, you know it’s bullshit.


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The American Way?

The first detainee from Gitmo got his day in court yesterday. Ahmed Ghailani (who looks like he's about ten years old) has been in U.S. custody for five fuckin’ years without a trial or charges. That’s good news to real Americans out there. Why? ‘Cause in the land of the free and the home of the brave, we’re not supposed to toss people in the dungeon and throw away the key. That’s not the way we roll. Alas…President Barack Hussein Obama didn’t get that memo. Read on…

The USo’A is sending seventeen Uighurs, formerly at Gitmo, to the island nation of Palau. Palau agreed to take the men in exchange for two hundred million U.S. dollars even though there is a large Uighur population in D.C. that desperately wants to take in their brothers. Two hundred million…that comes to $11,764,705.88 per Uighur. Tell you what Barry-O…PTB will take a couple of those bad boys for eleven mil apiece. Heck-fire…they can shack up in the ‘rent’s basement with us and we’ll have a good ole time. Easy to do with that kinda scratch.

The BSC motherhubbard who’s accused of murdering one soldier and wounding another last week in front of a recruiting station says he did it in retaliation for what our military is doing in Iraq and Afghanistan. Question: The dude was born and raised here in the U.S. If the guy is this pissed off at his own countrymen…how pissed off you think the people who actually live (and die) in Afghanistan and Iraq are? For every one person we kill over there, ten more terrorists are born.

American citizens Walter Myers and his wife, Gwendolyn have been charged with spying for Cuba for the past thirty years. We’ve gotta ask…WTF kind of information were they sending Fidel and the boys? Cuba is as bass-ackward now as in the 1970’s so it’s not like they got any good intel.

And finally…we read a story yesterday sayin’ that the ‘Bamer mentions JZeus more often in public than the Bush-Wipe ever did. Yo, Barry-O…pResident Bush wore his religion like Zsa Zsa wearin’ a fur coat. It didn’t do any good. Why? Because GWB is about as Christian as Scooby Doo. You wanna show the SOG how Christian you really are? Show him what you’re doin’ to the guys at Gitmo. Whadda you think he’ll say?



(8.-)

Tehran So Far Away

Read us once and you’ll know we love us the Persians here at PTB. Hell, if we ever get outta this blogging-nerd phase, move outta the ‘rent’s basement and hook up with a Persian grrl and we’re gonna name our first baby Cyrus…but that’s the crux of another biscuit…

Now, y’all know that there are a lot of problems goin’ down in Iran. That’s what you get when you let a bunch of BSC religious wing-nuts run your country. But there’s a crack getting’ wider over there and it could be a chance for the USo'A to make some progress. According to a story…

“With young people pursuing more liberal lifestyles and shunning the traditional mores of their parents' generation, the marrying age is steadily climbing. This terrifies Iran's religious government, which still peddles the virtue of chastity and views young people's shifting attitudes toward sexuality as a direct threat to the Islamic revolution's core values.”

We told you about those religious zealots. But do you see it? C’mon…what is the one universal attitude that all teenagers share? FUCK AUTHORITY! It’s been that way forever. Teenagers hate rules and they hate when authority figures tell ‘em what to do. So, here’s the plan:

Rather than getting’ into a dick-swingin’ contest with Iran’s tighty-righties…you know…with bullets and guns and bombs… we should fight ‘em with drugs, sex and rock & roll. Think about it. If the U.S. starts smuggling Snoop Dogg CD’s, cases of Jack Daniels, subscriptions to Hustler and anything grown in the Emerald Triangle into Iran, soon the young’uns will turn on their elderly oppressors. Anyone older than 50 can attest to the fact that with enough booze, THC and coochie on their minds, kids’ll go BSC for the right to be rebellious. And isn’t that what we’d like to see in old Persia, a rebellion? REMEMBER THE 60's!

We hope we’re all alive to see it…it’s gonna be a beautiful sight. Downtown Tehran, packed with revelers, slammin’ Mojitos and beer-bonging Jaeger Meister. The smoke so thick from the spliffs that it looks like a foggy day in San Francisco. Skynyrd jammin’ Freebird on the boombox and rocket-hottie Persian babes doin’ the Middle Eastern version of Girls Gone Wild. Just the thought of that has the Ayatollah spinnin’ in his grave. Well…at least he’s doin’ it to a kick-ass beat.

(8.-)

Fast Start to the Work Week

Today, North Korea sentenced two American journalists to twelve years in prison for what amounts to trespassing. Aye caramba! Well, at least L’il Kim and the NoKo’s put their bad guys on trial. Americans, we just slap ‘em in Gitmo and let ‘em rot. Sad day when North Korea can claim the moral high ground on the U.S.

Today the Supreme Court ruled that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” could stay in place. Check it: You’re in a foxhole with your buddies. Y’all are taking fire from every direction. BOOM! BAM! BOOM! You’re in a fight for your life. Now, I ask you…do you really give a flyin’ rat’s ass if the other motherhubbards in the hole with you are gay or straight?

Judge Sotomayor busted her ankle on the way to D.C. today. Yo SoSo…can I sign your cast? Question: You think Newt, the Boner or Fat Boy have a well-hexed voodoo doll somewhere in their possession?

And finally today…Mondays are the most popular day to start a diet. No problem with that. If you’re one of the millions tryin’ to suppress your appetites today, we’ve got four words that’ll help. Ready? Here goes…

Susan. Boyle. Sex. Tape. YIKES!!! If that doesn’t make you lose your appetite, or, at least, make you blow chunks…you have what they call a “cast-iron stomach.”

(8.-)

Bussed

What a depressing week. Air France 447 sleeps with the fishes, Grasshopper took a nude dirt nap and Koko took her last bow. Well, at least we've got the Bus Boys to cheer us up.


(8.-)

As Jefferson Spins in His Grave

In the land of the free and the home of the brave, they murder innocent men, women and children in the name of truth, justice and the American way.



On Monday, Mohammad Ahmad Abdallah Salih died at Guantanamo Bay. They say he committed suicide. Not so fast. He was held without charges, without bail, without a lawyer and without a trial for seven-and-a-half long years.



What was this man’s crime that he should be banished to the Hell that is Gitmo? Did he kill American soldiers? Was he a terrorist? Was he a Detroit Lions fan? Or was he just Muslim? And why does a Christian nation sit idly by while these kinds of atrocities continue? It’s shameful and sad that people who are alleged followers of JZeus would treat a person this way.



It really doesn’t matter what Salih did. He’s dead and we’ll never know. It matters that, in a country touting itself as the greatest the world has ever seen, we torture, maim and kill innocent people in the name of freedom.



Politicians, zealots and cowards would have you believe that by treating human beings this way, they’re keeping America safe. They lie. By treating human beings this way, we show the world our true nature. Americans aren’t benevolent. Americans aren’t caring and kind. Americans aren’t the holders of the moral high ground. No. Americans are petty…and weak…and scared. Americans are so afraid of “terrorists” that they’re willing to give up basic human rights for the illusion of safety, the illusion of security.




The Declaration of Independence states that “All men are created equal.” It also says that everyone has the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” To ignore those fundamental principles, is to ignore who we should be – to ignore who we could be – to ignore who we are supposed to be. As long as America turns her back on the rule of law, turns her back on the principles she was founded on, turns her back on the fundamental rights of EVERY human being, she’ll continue to show the world just how hypocritical her citizens are. I guess that’s the “new” American way.




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H2OBoard Meeting

A while back, disgraced baseball slugger Mark McGwire testified before Congress about his alleged steroid usage. McGwire wussed out by saying he wanted to look forward, not backward. Way to man-up fat boy!

Last week, Dodger owner Frank McCourt was asked whether or not ManRam should be voted on to the MLB All-Star team. McCourt’s reply? He said that we shouldn’t look backward on Manny’s steroid use; we should only look forward to him coming back. Dude must’ve been a great dodgeball player in junior high.

Two excellent examples of not answering the question. And now for the shitty example…

Last week, President Obama was asked why he decided not to release pictures of prisoners, allegedly, being tortured at Guantanamo Bay. His response? You guessed it…the ‘Bamer said that releasing the pictures would be akin to looking backward while he is intent on looking forward.

Now, it’s a perfectly acceptable cop-out for a sports owner or jock-strap to dance around a question like that. But for the man elected to change the way America has been operating for the last eight years, it is an unacceptable answer. Today, Barry-O is flyin’ to the Middle East and he could go a long way in repairing our image abroad if he’d admit that America tortured detainees, if he’d admit that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and Iraq were/are wrong and that we will prosecute war criminals – whoever they are. Problem is, he won’t do it. The tighty-righties would crucify him if he did.

Nope…the guy they call “The Anointed One” is just another political hack, coverin’ his political ass and doin’ whatever he can to stay in political power. Americans voted for Barry-O because they wanted change. All they got was the same old excuses coming out of a different lie-hole. That’s just sad.

(8.-)

He Doesn't Know Dick

Dr. Evil has been in the news a lot lately. Funny thing coming from the brotherhubbard that had Google Earth blur out his house for eight years. But like it or not, Dick Cheney is flappin’ his lie-hole and the whole world seems to be listening.

Yesterday, the former Veep took to the airwaves to…get this…defend gay marriage. Aye caramba! WTF did that come from? While he does have a gay daughter, Dick and his compatriots in the Bush administration never were the types to embrace those “afflicted with the Gay.” Guess times they are a changin’. But not that much. You see, Cheney had a caveat to his assertion that gay peeps should be allowed to get hitched. He said that marriage is, and always has been a state issue. "And I think that's the way it ought to be handled today, that is, on a state-by-state basis.” And that’s why Dick Cheney, in our humble opinion, is dumber than a sack of doorknobs.

It wasn’t that long ago that blacks couldn’t get married in certain states ‘cause they were considered “property.” An even shorter time ago, blacks and whites were not allowed to get married to each other in certain states because some racist rat-bastards thought it was immoral. Hell, if Alabama, Mississippi and the rest of the redneck, huckleberry states had their way, blacks still wouldn’t be allowed to marry.

No Dick…gay marriage shouldn’t be decided willy-nilly on the whim of some cracker-ass government-cheese dick in a state where the most common kinfolk is “Uncle-Dad.” This is America. We’re not supposed to roll like that. So we’re gonna toss you a soft one. Remember the Declaration of Independence?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

That’s right Dick. Straight from the pen of TJ hisself. ALL men are created equal…that includes the men who like men, women who like women and all the peeps in between who love ‘em both. That's how we roll.

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Pon-Tiff

Here at PTB we love us some Pope. That dude has got to be the baddest motherhubbard on the planet. Why? Who else could swear off sex and walk around all day in a robe, a mitre and ruby red slippers without everyone thinking he’s gay? Nobody. But what the Pontiff said over the weekend got us thinkin’ ‘bout the third Commandment – “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.”





Now, most people are taught that the third Commandment means you can’t say “Goddamnit.” PTB readers know that’s not what we were taught. We were taught that taking the Lord’s name in vain meant assigning God’s intentions to human actions. Y’all know what we’re talkin’ ‘bout…


Athletes sayin’ how God helped ‘em win a championship…

or, politicians spoutin’ off about how God blesses America…

and criminals makin’ excuses for their deeds by sayin’ God made ‘em do it.



Listen folks, the Invisible Man in the Sky could give a rat’s ass who wins the Super Bowl…America is NOT His favorite country and no matter how BSC you are, He did NOT tell you to kill someone. Which brings us to Gentle Ben.



Saturday, in a humble moment, The Pontiff said he found it hard to understand why the Lord would have picked him to be Pope. Well…we’ve got news for ya Big Ben…God didn’t pick you to be Pope…a bunch of Catholic Bishops elected you Pope. JZeus’ dad doesn’t give a flyin’ fig who runs the Catholic church. Zero. However we do find it strange that you think God really does sit around Heaven pickin’ winners and losers down here like it was all one big parlay card of life. Dude… you either don’t have a good grasp of the third Commandment or your mitre must be on too tight.



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