Another One Bites the Dust

Last week Mark Souder, a congressman from Indiana, an evangelical Christian who promoted abstinence education and a fire and brimstone Bible thumper resigned from office. His crime? Bangin’ a staffer who was not his wife. Of course.

It’s been said time and time again ‘round here at PTB, it’s really no one’s business if a politician is “hiking the Appalachian Trail” or having a RentBoy “carry his luggage." That is, unless that politician’s entire career is centered around “family values.”

Everyone in the world knew that Slick Willie was gonna be bangin’ skanks in the Oval Office. Everyone in the world knew that John Edwards was a horndog with a wandering doodle. They weren’t trying to foist their moral superiority on people and that was just fine.

The problem comes when a holier-than-thou, homophobic, right-wing nutcase who says that marriage is sanctified by God gets popped doin’ the horizontal mambo with someone other than the missus. Representative Souder did the right thing in resigning...Senator John "Able Semen" Ensign, are you listening?

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The REAL Football

Well folks, the World Cup is only a couple of weeks away and tomorrow is the UEFA Champions League Final on our very own FOX network. FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch the FOX network, we here at PTB make one million dollars. That being said, here is a preview of NIKE's new World Cup addy. Enjoy! Long live Sam's Army!

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Fished In

Every time I see a new pic from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill I just wanna hurl. Turns out BP and Barry-O’s administration have been lowballing the size of this ecological clusterfuck from day one. They’re covering their collective asses instead of trying to stop this leak. My question: WTF is the United States Navy? We spend billions of dollars a year to maintain the largest and most technologically advanced navy in the world and the one time we could their help, they pull a Lindsay Lohan. Thanks a lot Captain Steubing! PTB laments the loss of wildlife in haiku:

Seafood is healthy.

A new meaning for fish oil.

Vitamin BP.

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Bible Thumping

Regular readers of PTB know just how much credence I put in the Bible. Zero. C’mon, a book written by old white dudes trying to pass it off as the Word of God is ridiculous. That being said, a lot of people believe the Bible came, word-for-word, straight outta the mouth of the Invisible Man in the Sky. Every Commandment, every fable, every damned word…authored by JZeus or His Dad.

It seems the more zealous a person’s religious beliefs, the more likely he/she is to believe the earth is only 10,000 years old, Jonah, in fact, was swallowed by a whale, Noah pulled a Jessica Watson and sailed ‘round the world with two of everything and that President Obama is the Antichrist. They say, “It’s right there in the Bible” and they’d be right. There is a lot of ambiguity in the Bible. But now a group of conservatives has figured that the WoG is, get this, too liberal. Aye caramba!

The Conservative Bible project is intending to reword progressive parts of the Bible (love thy neighbor, do unto others, turn the other cheek…you know, the pussy stuff) to make it more conservative. You can bet your ass that the fire and brimstone quotient is gonna be through the roof. I see an increase in plagues and locusts and bloody rivers. And you can bet your ass gayness will get you a ticket straight to Hell. But here’s the crux of today’s biscuit: If the Bible is the Word of God, what gives these chucklenuts the right to change it? And if the Bible was written by and can be changed by mere mortals, why the fuck would anyone believe it? Hear that sound? It’s JZeus spinning in His grave.

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Friday Night Frights

There’s no telling how fucked up the Gulf Coast is gonna get because of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Pretty fucked up I imagine. The lives of thousands of people are going to be affected for decades to come. Pisses me off, it does. So last night I’m talkin’ to one of my tighty-righty friends and he says…and I quote, “Accidents happen. Whadda you gonna do?” That got me thinking. The oil industry sludges us a major quagmire of filth, is gonna stick the American taxpayer with the bill and will probably only get a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, tinfoil hat wearin’ loonies scream “Drill baby drill” and lament about accidents happening. My take? WTF would people be saying if this was the airline industry? Just askin’.

Hello Captain Obvious! Yesterday U.S. Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske said that we’re pretty much gettin’ fusticated in the “War on Drugs.” No shit, Einstein. We’ve wasted trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and incarcerated millions of people and we’re still losing the war. Aye caramba! Doesn’t come as any surprise to me. The United States of America, Inc. hasn’t won a war since 1945. Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, the war on drugs, the war on obesity, the war on poverty, the war against obesity, the war on terror. Yeah, America used to be the greatest country in the world. Key phrase there…”used to be.”

And finally…the ACLU is filing suit against cops in Pennsylvania because the cops are handing out tickets for…wait for it…wait for it…they’re handing out tickets for SWEARING! What The Fuck is wrong with that picture? This is the kind of Puritanical bullshit that really pisses me off. Who’s to say what a cussword is? In the old days, “damn” was considered a cussword and it was banned from television. Nowadays, you hear “damn” all over the tube. Heck-fire, while watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show last year, I kept hearing the announcer using the word “bitch.” So, is it the word? Is it the context? What about foreign cusswords? MERDE! This is just another example of our slippery slide into fascism. Damn…I thought we were over that when Chimp-Dick left office. Guess not. One big shout out to Pennsylvania. FUDGE YOU! That'll teach 'em!

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Cute and Fuzzy Bunnies

Elena Kagen’s nomination to the SCOTUS got me thinking. WTH are all the high-profile progressive women in the USo’A, Inc….ummm….ummm…homely? Smart… but homely. For every Deborah Wasserman-Schultz, you have five Janet Renos or Janet Napolitanos, ten Hillary Clintons and a hundred Madeleine Albrights. On the other hand, the tighty-righties go for all looks/no brains. Sue Lowden…smokin’ hot…thinks you can pay for your boob job with poultry. VPILF and half-governor Caribou Barbie? She can see Russia from her house but she can’t see the oil that’s spilled all over Prince William Sound. Dumb as a bag of licorice, bang her in a heartbeat.

I guess the crux of today’s biscuit is this: You can either vote for substance or you can vote for style. Me? I’m a substance kind of guy. So, congratulations Ms. Kagen…Roseanne must be very proud!

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