Who Let the Air Out?

During the Presidential campaign of 2008, then-candidate Barry-O told the unwashed masses that a good way to save money on gas and car repair was to make sure you checked the pressure in your tires. He had a valid point but the tighty-righties blew a proverbial gasket.

“Obama’s energy policy is naïve!” “No tire pressure for oil!” and “Democrats are full of hot air!” screamed the VPILFs and McCains and Boners. They even distributed tire pressure gauges emblazoned with “Obama’s Energy Plan.” Problem was, Chocolate Elvis was right and the right was wrong. Fast forward to today…

A Nevada legislative subcommittee is recommending a law that would require mechanics to check their customer’s tire pressure. The reason being, it saves gas, creates less wear and tear on vehicles and pollutes less. Good idea, right? Not to some Nevadans. In the comment section of the RGJ story, there was pissing and moaning and hand wringing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments. “Keep the government out of my tires” and “It’s the next step toward socialism” and “What will they mandate next? Prostate exams?” State Senator Heidi Gansert (R) said it is a “personal responsibility issue.” Really? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…

First of all, it wouldn’t cost a penny for a mechanic to check your tire pressure while you car is already in the shop. Secondly, having the correct tire pressure really does work. Less pollution, more gas mileage…hell, I’m all for that. But two things chapped my ass reading this story.

One was the thought on personal responsibility. Ya know, it’s the Government’s responsibility to help keep us safe. Does Ms. Gansert want us to abolish the FDA and let us take personal responsibility to make sure there isn’t any poison in our food? Or maybe close the EPA so we can take it upon ourselves to check for lead in our Chinese-made toys? Shut down the military so we can defend ourselves against the bad guys? Aye caramba! Right-wing nutcases at their best. But let me ask something of the Teabagging, uneducated, Limbaugh-loving, rednecks that populate the 775...

I understand y’all say you’re for smaller government. Fewer regulations, less taxation, more freedom…so why do you support the government telling women they cannot get an abortion? Why do you insist on the government sponsoring the biggest navy, the biggest army and the biggest air force in the world? Why in the hell, if you are for smaller government, do you want the Feds to send troops to the Mexican border to fight illegal immigration and to the Gulf of Mexico to help clean up BP’s clusterfuck? Why in the hell do you insist that it’s O.K. for the Feds to tap your phone and your computer? Why? Because you are small-minded, xenophobic, hypocritical, cracker-assed crackers and you only want the government to stop people from doing things you disapprove of. FUCK YOU!!! the sooner you go back to wherever the hell you came from, the better.

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Futbol Feelings

GEEZ…the refs have been so bad in this World Cup that their crappy calls are overshadowing what’s turning out to be a great tournament. Hell those officials need glasses. Wait, those refs are so bad they have glasses already but their eye doctor must be Rand Paul. Aye caramba!

Having watched almost every game of the 2010 World Cup, I’ve gotta ask…why do national anthems have to be solemn? I understand some countries’ anthems are rife with history, and war, and, death and whatnot…but not all of ‘em. Why can’t people just belt their national anthems like they were karaokeing Pat Benatar on a Friday night? Have a bit of fun people…it’s the World Cup, not George Bush’s inauguration.

One of the coolest things about watching soccer on television is the awesomeness of the announcers from Great Britain. In one ten minute span I heard the terms: “Impudent little flick,” “tight little ball” and “sloppy effort.” High comedy indeed…especially if you have a dirty mind like me.

And finally…it happens all the time in American sports. A batter strikes out, a kicker misses a field goal, a player gets called for a foul. The director cuts to a slo-motion closeup of the irate sportsman and inevitably they’ll drop and F-Bomb. Not an audible one (no nat sound on replay) but definitely a visible one. During the past two weeks I’ve seen no fewer than a dozen slo-mo, replay F-Bombs dropped by people who don’t even speak English. A beaten goalie, an inaccurate striker, a yellow-carded midfielder…director cuts to the slo mo closeup and Whadda you see? A visibly, angry, frustrated FUCK! Whether they speak French, or German, or Dutch or Swahili, same thing…“FUCK!” Glad to see American sportsmanship translate to international soccer.

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Separated at Birth

Funny how you never see Seinfeld's Jason Alexander and England striker Wayne Rooney in the same place together. Coincidence? I think not.

Why Teabaggers Can Bite Me

They're not chanting "Beat L.A!

They're not chanting "WOLF!..."PACK!"

They're not chanting "Boston Sucks!"

No, this is the kind of stuff that unites Americans. Something you bass-ackward, hatemongering, hypocritical, fascist, racist, xenophobic, soccer-hatin', can't spell, cracker-assed crackers know nothing about.

Yanks v Black Stars tomorrow at 11a. 'Til then...a little something to make you realize we are all Sam's Army. Courtesy of Robby Donoho. WOOT!

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I Think We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

Y’all might remember this story: A while back, one bad-assed Carcharodon carcharias was munchin’ on Amity Islanders like they were Krispy Kremes. The PoPo was freakin’ out…the short dude from The Goodbye Girl was freakin’ out…everyone on the island was freakin’ out ‘ceptin’ the one dude who should have been…the Mayor. You know, the guy in charge.

That story reminds me of what’s happening in the Gulf of Mexico. We’ve got this life-devouring monster killing wildlife and wetlands and, in the future, people – and politicians are acting like Mayor Larry Vaughn. Caribou Barbie? “Drill Baby Drill.” Governor Alfred E. Neumann? “A drilling moratorium will kill jobs.” Senator sucking at the monetary teat of big oil? “I’m sorry that you have to pay.”

What we need right now is a real-life Sam Quint. Someone to screech his fingernails down the chalkboard of our collective brain pans. Someone with the huevos rancheros to take down this beast. Someone who is in this thing to help the American people…unlike government-cheese dicks looking out for the one thing they really care about…their careers. Any takers?

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Timeout

Since the USo'A's futball team plays the Desert Eagles today...and I'm rolling the old Betamax on the game, I've been off the grid. No news, no Facebook, no e-mails. Frankly, it is KILLING me. I hear whisperings of the BP clusterfuck gettin' attacked by robots, Rock Me G. Patraeus guest hosting for Stanley Mac and the state of Arizona burning into some kind of weird Cajun dish. Not good. So, to cheer us all up, we've got my boy Linus Van Pelt singing a hit song from the Police. Yup, that'll do it.

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Adieu Les Bleus

You’ve got to hand it to the Frogs…no team in international football has the diva thing down quite like Les Bleus. Alas, we won’t have them to entertain us anymore. This morning hosts Bafana Bafana dropped a deuce on Thierry Henry and company, sending France home in defeat and disgrace.

IMHO, the funniest story line to come out of the French team’s debacle is the tongue lashing they got from former star player Zinedine Zidane. Zidane criticized the team for its “ridiculous, childish behavior.” What a load of crap. Y’all rember Z2 dontcha? Last World Cup he got red carded in the final game for givin’ Marco Materazzi the old Glasgow Kiss. Talk about a classy guy. Getting scolded by Zinedine Zidane for acting like idiotic morons is like being called dumb by George W. Bush. True story.

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