In Space...No One Can Hear You Flush

Astro commode broke



Ground control to Major Tom



Does freeze-dried poo float?







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Kissin' Asses for Votes

Skeevy Uncle Fester is in town today tryin’ to convince voters in the 775 he should be the next President. Good move actually. Ya see, this here part of the Silver State is redder than the ass-cheek of a ripe tomato. We’ve said it before…the only congressional district that was MORE pro-WPE is that creepy one in northern Mississippi where the most common relation is uncle-dad, cousin-grandpa and auntie-mom.

Now, we could ask Oldie McAncient all sorts of questions like “What’s the difference between Sunni and Shiite?” “How can tax cuts for the rich help the middle-class?” And our personal favorite…”So, how IS that surge a-workin’?” Problem is, Grandpa McDinosaur doesn’t have answers to those questions.

But seein’ how Geezer McAged is droppin’ by…we wanna ask him about something close to all of our hearts: Yucca Mountain. You might remember that Congress is trying to ram a nuookuler toilet down our pie holes and Senator McObsolete was all for it. The operational word there being “WAS.” Turns out the good Senator from the AZ has flip-flopped quicker than a pancake on a griddle.

So, we’ve gotta ask: “Yo JMac…if you were for sticking Nevada with the nuke dump before you decided to run for president, now you say you’re against it…how can we believe you? And what the hell else are you gonna flip-flop on just to get a couple of votes?

(8.-)

Memorial Day Late and a Dollar Short

Today we wanted to expand a little bit on yesterday’s post. Y’all know that here at PTB we love our men and women in uniform. That said…Memorial Day blows. You lay your ass on the line 24/7/365, livin’ and dyin’ in the Suck tour after tour and for what? So the rest of the country can get another three day weekend? So furniture stores can slash prices and offer huge discounts on mattresses? SHEESH! No, we’re of the ilk that Memorial Day should be every day. After all, freedom isn’t free and our men and women in uniform are paying the price with every breath they take.



Now, we’re from the side who believes that “Support Our Troops” means bringin’ ‘em home. No war…no casualties. Simple enough. Problem is, the Government-Cheese doesn’t give a rat’s ass about bringin’ our troops home. How do we know? Y’all ever heard of the G.I. Bill? That’s the legislation that helps veterans after their service to our country has ended. It helps ‘em with college tuition, it helps ‘em get home loans. You know, the things you’d expect the greatest country in the world to do for the soldiers who fight for freedom.



Well, there’s a new version of the G.I. Bill wending its way through the halls of Congress. It has the blessing of politicians from both sides of the aisle. But not everybody is a supporter of our troops. There are two high-profile opponents of the new G.I. Bill. Now, you might be asking yourselves, “Who in the fu-schizzle could be so heartless, so callous, so mean-spirited as to deny our brave men and women in uniform benefits they so richly deserve?” None other than Chimp-Dick and Geezer McSkeevy. That’s right…pResident George Bush and Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain are AGAINST the new G.I. Bill.



You’d think America’s highest-profile combat dodger and its most famous Manchurian Candidate would, you know, actually SUPPORT our troops. After all, those two wannabes wear their little flag pins on their lapels and blow a lot of hot air spoutin’ ‘bout what patriots they are. You’d be wrong. No, according to the New York Times, WPE and Ancient McOldie don’t support the new G.I. Bill because it gives so much to the troops, everyone will want to get out and no one will want to reenlist! Aye Caramba! Look guys…no one wants to be in the Suck. Everyone wants to get out of the Suck and we owe it to everyone who’s ever been in the Suck to help make their civilian life a little easier. Here at PTB we think we owe it to ‘em. As for the Government-Cheese…once you’re out, they don’t give a shit about you.



Every time one of those rat-bastards say they love America and they support our troops…they’re lying!


(8.-)

An Army of Ummm...

Remember the dead

Fighting someone else's war

They gave more than all




They tell you they support our troops.



They support their wallets.


(8.-)

TOUCHDOWN!

Mars has been scaring the bejeezus out of us here at PTB since H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. Even against Tom Cruise…those Martians are bad motherhubbards!


Problem is, those aren’t really Martians…they’re boogityboogity bad guys from the darkness of a Hollywood writer’s mind.


Guarantee…the first cute&fuzzy bunny we find outside our own troposphere is gonna look like the grout in the cracks of yer tub…

So…in honor of HGW and the master…Matsuo Basho…we haiku:

The North Pole of Mars.
What do you think we will find?
E.T. anyone?

We Love us some Pole.
Does the Red Planet have life?
Santa and his Elves.

Life is everywhere
Man in the image of God
So God looks like a…?

(8.-)

'Til Death Do Us Part

Hardcore readers of PTB know the malevolence we feel toward politicians. Most of ‘em are skeevy, elitist, pampered, rich, bourgie, motherhubbards looking out for numero uno. But every now and then one of those crazy turds really makes a splash.


The other night Nevada State Assemblywoman Francis Allen and her husband were attending a shindig where Mr. Assemblywoman allegedly “embarrassed” his wife. We’re sure that anyone who’s ever been married has had a similar incident happen to them. Hubby probably got sloshed, started dancin’ around the room wearing only a bar napkin and a lampshade, then started puttin’ the moves on the boss’ wife.


Not happy with her hubby’s exploits Assemblywoman Allen did what any BSC spouse would do…she SHANKED him! Stuck him like an Easter ham! She gave him a cold steel enema! This is how Nevada’s leadership behaves? SHEESH! Guess we’re lucky she didn’t pop a cap in the guy. If she keeps her job though, it’ll be just one more example of how the criminal justice system in this country favors the rich and targets the poor.


Now, this is the second time this month that people who govern the Silver State have had public displays of affliction so we have a question…


Yo…to all our gay brothers and sisters out there…you SURE you want the right to get married? After all, you can be in a monotonous, love-less, sex-less, unsatisfying, violent relationship WITHOUT a piece of paper from the church…and you don’t have to pony up for a ring!

(8.-)

Home Sick

Yeah…we know the economy is tight. But here in the 775 we have no one to blame but ourselves. Ya see, NoNV voted overwhelmingly for Chimp-Dick and Doctor Evil back in ‘04. Heck, the only Congressional District to be even MORE in favor of the pResident-In-Chief is that creepy northern Mississippi district where the most common relations are “Uncle-Dad” and “Cousin-Ma.”


The crux of the biscuit today is…



Why do the taxpayers of Nevada have to fund a mansion for the Governor to live in when he doesn’t even live there? How many servants, cooks, maids, butlers and security guards are we paying for so GJG can have a place to entertain his bourgie guests?



Yo Guv…you’ve ordered everyone in the state to cut back on costs. Maybe you should do the same. You could start with the Governor’s Mansion...you know...the one you don't live in anymore.


(8.-)

Best. Masseuse. Ever.

We'll start the week off light. Here's a little somethin' from our Chinese brothers & sisters. After the shitty week they had last week...here's hoping things get better soon.

(8.-)

Run Forest! Run!

We never understood track athletes. They’re the ones who spend hours and days and weeks training and the one who spends the LEAST amount of time running the race…wins. We never understood that but we’ve always been big fans of the sport.. That’s why we’re jazzed up ‘bout the start of the High School State Track & Field Tournament this weekend.



Now, anyone who’s rolled in the 775 for very long knows who the Tarantulas are. We’re familiar with Muckers from the north side and Muckers from the south side. We know all about the Hornets, the Longhorns and the Lakers. They’re all over the Silver State. We’re talking about small high schools.



Most of us here at PTB went to 1A schools and are proud of it. Ya see, at a small school you’ve gotta do everything. You participate in your three or four sports. You’re in student council. You have to be on the setup and the cleanup crews for dances. Heck, you might even have to serve as the prom king and the prom queen. You’ve gotta be a jack of all trades…not because you’re proficient at ‘em but because bodies are scarce. Which brings us to the crux of today’s biscuit…



Last weekend The Lone Star State held its state track meet. The winner in the small school category was Rochelle High School. WTF should anyone care ‘bout that? Simple. Rochelle High School had exactly ONE member of their track team compete. Bonnie Richardson entered five events and placed in all of ‘em. High jump, long jump, discus, 100 and 200 meters. And she alone won the team title. SNAP!



You’ll never see a story like that happen in ‘Vegas or Reno. But that kind of performance happens all the time in places like Gerlach, Ely, Carlin and Wells. Small school sports…just one more reason to love livin’ in the 775.



While we’re on the subject of T&F…Oscar Pistorius hit triple sevens today. You might remember Oscar as the fastest man on no feet. We talked about him a while back when the International Association of Athletics Federations banned him from running against athletes who aren’t amputees. The IAAF said that Oscar had an unfair advantage ‘cause he has two artificial legs. We said HORSESHIT to that! Today, the Court of Arbitration for Sport agreed with all of us here at PTB. Now Oscar gets to qualify to run this summer in Beijing.



We don’t know ‘bout y’all but this story is givin’ us a huge jones for the Olympics to start. And when they do start…here’s hopin’ Oscar rubs a butt on all of ‘em. You go boy!


(8.-)

When WalMart Starts Selling These...

Awash in a sea of negativity lately…we thought we’d dry off and get some positive vibes goin’ today.


Back before our time, a magazine called Popular Mechanics was layin’ out their vision of the future. WOW! Moon colonies, flying cars and personal jet packs were gonna be all over the place.

Fast forward to today. The moon is as bare as your wallet after filling your gas tank.

The flying car? They’ve got a few out but they’re as rare as an electric car. BTW…they promised us electric cars too!

Personal jet packs have been available since the 70’s but they never took off…pun intended. Besides…can you imagine rollin’ a DUI with one of those things? SPLAT!

Which brings us to today’s video. The guy’s name is Yves Rossy aka “Fusion Man” and this motherhubbard ROCKS! He jumped out of a plane, did a short freefall and let rip FOUR jet engines attached to a wing on his back. He managed to juice it up to 186mph, 8,200ft and even did a couple of barrel rolls and 360’s. He says next year he’s gonna fly across the English Channel.

We’ve only got one question: Where the hell do WE get one of those things?

E.T Phone God

Just a couple of thoughts from the non-believers here at PTB.

Great news out of the Vatican today. The Catholic Church’s official astronomer says that it’s O.K. to believe in extraterrestrial life. Now we know what you’re saying, “The Catholic Church has an official astronomer?” Yup. The robe-wearin’ motherhubbards that excommunicated Galileo for ‘splainin’ the earth revolves around the sun now says if you believe in li’l green peoples, you can believe in the Invisible Man In The Sky too. It kinda all goes hand-in-hand though, doncha think? In all the years humans have been on Mother Earth, no one has seen an alien. Same with the Big Guy Upstairs. As long as we’ve been roamin’ the planet there hasn’t been one shred of proof that anyone is up there. That is, unless you believe the guy who translated his visions of God out of a hat. But we digress.

All that said, we have a couple of questions about this whole Catholics and aliens business.

If an alien has eight arms, what would his rosary look like?

The Fourth (or Fifth) Commandment says “Honor thy father and thy mother.” What if the aliens reproduce through mitosis?

Are aliens forbidden to eat meat on Fridays or to work on Sundays?

If the aliens don’t have mouths, where do you put the communion wafer?

If the aliens love the heat like Vulcans, does that mean Vulcan hell is filled with ice and snow instead of fire and brimstone?

Do you think aliens have crosses hangin’ in the rear view or have Jzeus bobbleheads on the dashboards of their hoopty wagons?

Do the aliens have to root for the Notre Dame football team?

And lastly, what if the aliens are Jewish?

We guess the convergence of the Catholic God and E.T. had to happen eventually…we can only hope the aliens are intelligent enough to see through all the bullshit.

(8.-)

Truth and Consequences

We spent a lot of years learning our craft over at the DRSo’J. We were tutled by such luminaries as Big Jake, Rude Boy and the Bourne Supremacy. So, when we read yesterday’s Your Turn in the RGJ, we just had to add our two bits.


Dean Ceppos got one thing right when he said he couldn’t pound ethics into his students. Duh. Anyone who’s been a parent (or a teen for that matter) knows how futile it is trying to pound something into someone. Doesn’t work. Never did. Besides, if a student doesn’t have ethics by the time they’ve reached college it’s too late.


But we wanna talk about the two things Dean Ceppos didn’t mention that every J-student should know.


First of all, in RL, ethics don’t mean shit. Newspapers, magazines, radio and television stations aren’t run by journalists, they’re run by bean counters. To them, it’s not about quality or accuracy or integrity, it’s all about the bottom line.


Cost ‘em a penny by writing a story ‘bout their best client and you’ll be canned so fast the door won’t have time to hit you in the badunkadunk. Cost ‘em a penny more than a snot-nosed rookie fresh out of Underoos and yer’ replaced quicker than you can say, “Do you want fries with that?”


To the bean counters you aren’t a journalist, you’re a body sucking up benefits and salary and ethics be damned if they come between you and them making their budget.


Secondly, if you have to sign a pledge stating you’ll behave in an ethical manner, you’re kidding yourself. Think the people with no ethics are gonna sign the pledge anyway? Yup. Ethics are in your heart, they’re in your soul and no piece of paper is gonna change that.


What really chaps our ass though, is the line in the pledge that says, “…"As a graduate of the Reynolds School of Journalism, I will uphold and apply the highest standards of integrity and ethics. This includes helping others by minimizing harm and showing compassion.” Hogwash. You’ve got one job future journos – that job is to find the truth. You’ve got no dog in the fight for who gets hurt. Hell…haven’t you heard? The truth fuckin’ hurts! That’s the way it is. That’s the way it’s always been. As for compassion, leave that to the psychics, the talk show hosts and the Red Cross.


Think showing the coffins of soldiers returning from Iraq hurts the pResident’s approval rating? Yes. Think pointing out the futility of the “War on Globally Extreme Jihadists” hurts the morale of the troops? Damn straight. Think reporting about the abuses of government cheese pisses off the little people? Hell yeah. But your job isn’t to worry about who gets hurt by the truth. Your job is to report the truth. There’s nothing more ethical than that.

(8.-)

Fill 'Er Up

Tomorrow the RGJ is running a story on the Bevinco spirits auditing system. It’s an invention that allegedly, “saves bar owners a large amount of money by cutting down on bartender overpouring.”



We’ve been in more bars than most. Heck-fire…quite a few of us here at PTB have actually been bartenders at one time or another. Here’s the crux of our biscuit…



If you own a bar and are so hard up for money that you think you need to monitor how much your bartenders overpour…you need to find a new business. Bartenders have enough hassles in their work lives to have to worry what the Pour-O-Meter says every time you serve a shot & a beer. We’ve got a better idea for you…hire professional, ethical, experienced bartenders and you won’t even need a Sauce Gauge. They might not hit it right on target every time but a good bartender will keep customers coming back. Boozemographs might save you a few drops but that’s it.


Besides...there's already a tool being used to tell whether or not a bartender is overpouring drinks...its called a BREATHALYZER!

(8.-)

A River Runs Through It

Like we've said before...here in the 775 we'll race anything. We race airplanes. We race balloons. We race dromedaries. Heck...we even race commodes. This weekend it's kayaks as the Reno River Festival shifts into high gear. Lots of wet boating fun. And no, not the Fred Smoot kind. It's a great event for the whole fam and, hopefully, it'll be on our calendars for a long time. That being said, we muse on the future of the RRF with a haiku quartet. Enjoy. Oh yeah...and Happy Mother's Day to all you muthers out there!

Lawns are turning brown

then withering into dust.

But Reno's growing!

There is NOT a drought.

Lets us have a festival.

Pray to God it rains.

Fun on the river

No need to conserve the stuff

water's a-plenty.

The party's downtown

Just what we need, more tourists.

Watch out for the cops!

(8.-)

Five Feet High and Rising

It was a natural disaster of epic proportions. Scores dead. Thousands missing. The injured and homeless wandering the streets waiting for help that was slow to come.


The government cheese dragging their feet -- woefully unprepared for a disaster of this magnitude.


Food, water and medical supplies from around the world sitting on tarmacs and in fields – not going to those in need but going to waste.


Politicians making promises while bureaucratic red tape hampers rescue efforts.


Yeah…it might suck in Myanmar right now…but we were talking closer to home. We were talking about New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. The only difference between the BSC Generals running that country and the BSC Bush-wipes running this one is the amount of fruit salad they wear on their lapels.


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Dirty Sanchez

We don’t hate him ‘cause he’s a pompous ass, a metrosexual, a Bush-wipe or even that he’s possibly Larry Craig’s stall mate. But every time Skeevy Dean Heller opens his pie-hole we wanna start raging against the machine.

This time, Hell-Bent is pushing legislation for “English only” ballots. He said the government "does too much to cater to people who speak a different language.” He goes on to say that, “If you're going to be successful in this country, the key to that is being able to speak the language."



Here’s the crux of our biscuit: We all know Skeevy-D is an uber-conservative nut case who’d rather lick the sweat off of Karl Rove’s nutsack than just about anything else. But his right-wing extremist philosophy of divisiveness is what’s killing America. We say it here at PTB all the time....our diversity is what makes America the greatest country in the world. We get it Hellboy…you’re afraid of everyone that doesn’t look like you, you’re afraid of everyone that doesn’t sound like you and you’re afraid of everyone who doesn’t think like you. Shoot-fire…just thinking of us here at PTB probably makes him skidmark his Underoos.

Get this CDH…quit waggin’ the dog with yer “English only” ballots, yer flag pins, yer marriage saving amendments and yer BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY drivel about brown-skinded brothers. DO YOUR FUCKIN’ JOB and go find OBL, balance the friggin’ budget and protect the rights of Nevadan’s…ALL Nevadan’s.

One last take…Hell-O-Shitty’s bill would make an exception for language assistance for those with Native American and Alaska Native dialects. He says, "They were here first." No shit, Captain Obvious. Problem is…folks with Mexican dialects (and skin color) were here before whitey too. Whadda you say 'bout THAT?

(8.-)

The Empire Strikes Barack

This is a perfect example of why we love us some election year vids. This bad boy rolls five minutes. Sure beats most of the things you could do for five minutes...most of the things.

(8.-)

Smokin' Aces

Funny, we thought it was ILLEGAL to smoke marijuana in the 775. If you hadn’t noticed, we rolled over to the Rush concert in downtown Reno Saturday night. Longtime readers know that we think Rush is the best thing to come out of the Great White North since Dudley-Do-Right’s woman. ANYWAY…


When the lights dimmed and the show started, a plume of smoke started risin’ above the crowd. It looked like someone dropped a nuke. WHOOSH! There was so much smoke between the stage and our seats it actually distorted the light coming from the strobe lights…or maybe that was a secondhand buzz? Hell, it looked like the fog rollin’ in off the SFBay. But here’s the crux of our biscuit…


Why were the cops not bustin’ those hemp-lovin’, tie-died, hippy freaks? Were they givin’ the pot-heads their tacit approval? Was Reno-911 waiting for ‘em to get out on the streets and pop a cap in someone? Kill a cop? Or just go generally BSC like EVERYONE does when exposed to the killer evil weed?


Look folks…this “wink, wink, nod, nod” shit needs to stop. There are thousands of people incarcerated here in the 775 for possession of the ganja. There are so many tokers in the hoosegow that the prison system is at the breaking point. So, are y’all gonna stay rutted in your hypocritical ways and selectively imprison stoners? Or are you gonna wake up and realize that marijuana is no more dangerous than aspirin and a LOT less dangerous than alcohol or tobacco?


We figure that if all those people were smokin’ blunts and there weren’t any big problems…what’s the big problem? On the other hand, if the schnizzle is illegal...it should be illegal everywhere. It would have made for a lonely concert…but at least, we could have seen the stage.

(8.-)

Rollin' The Bones

Well...that was one hella good Saturday PM.

We were kinda hopin' to see Dawn but we didn't...wish she were here.

Alas...that's a different concert.

The vid above is a ditty from the show.

As far as we're concerned...the RRHoF can go to hell!!! Rush Rocks!!!

(8.-)

Friends, Family and Fools

We just wanna hit one more point about Reverend Jeremiah Wright and then we'll let you get on with your weekend.


The ‘Bamer is getting pressure to renounce, denounce and bounce RJW because of the Rev’s controversial views. But here’s our thought…doesn’t EVERYONE have a crazy friend or relative who spouts weird stuff? We sure do.


Our pResident says the economy is only going through a bumpy time. Isn’t that one of the craziest things you’ve ever heard?


We’ve got a Senator who doesn’t believe in evolution but believes in intelligent design! WTF is HE thinkin’? Darwin and scientists for the last hundred years are wrong and the Invisible Man in the Sky is the seven-day-creator of everything. That sure sounds a lot crazier than anything RJW ever said.


Hell, we’ve even got folks in our bloodline who think Elvis is still alive, that aliens exist and that the NFL conspired to have the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl (y’all see how THAT turned out).



We’re just sayin’ we all have people in our lives who say (and do) stupid things…we say some pretty stupid things ourselves. But in America, saying stupid things isn’t a crime. Blowing the whole thing out of proportion isn’t either…but it should be.


(8.-)

The Wright Stuff

Today we’re gonna talk a little bit about Reverend Jeremiah Wright. We’ve been seeing, reading and hearing a lot of people trash him but we haven’t seen, read or heard anyone defend him. Well, we’re here to tell you…we’re gonna jump on the other side of that fence and throw a few fluff bombs of our own at Reverend Wright’s critics.







First things first – Jeremiah Wright is an American patriot. He served in the Navy AND the Marines. So, all the blowhards calling RJW a traitor can shove it up their asses. He has EARNED the right to say any damned thing he likes about the good ole’ USofA. And unless you were in both the Navy and the Marines…STFU!







When RJW gave his now infamous “God DAMN America” sermon it sure shook up whitey. But the quote was taken out of context. RJW wasn’t damning America or Americans…he was damning the United States Government. Big difference. Now, we’re not sure about his AIDS comments. After all…with what the government-cheese did to black soldiers at Tuskegee…we don’t put it past the rat-bastards to do that type of stuff today. The only question we have is why aren’t Black Americans more pissed off than they are?







Hell, last week a brown-skinded brother was found innocent of a crime through DNA testing. The dude spent TWENTY-SEVEN years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. SHEESH! Hundreds of brothers have been released from prison under the exact same circumstances. The disproportionate number of black and brown and tan people in prison sure makes it look like the crackers are out to get ‘em.







Blacks had to wait almost a hundred years after the Civil War to play the American pastime! Hell, it took ‘till 1979 (and threats from the government) for blacks to be able to preach in the Mormon religion. WTF is up with that? On the outside looking in, we’ve gotta tell you…being a person of color in America today must really suck!







But the real point we wanna make today is about RJW’s 9/11 comment. You know…the one that said America’s foreign policy is what brought the terrorist attack? Hate to break it to all the redneck pink-asses out there but he’s right on the money. And if you don’t believe it, you’re as dumb as Chimp-Dick.







According to that BSC OBL, America’s presence in the Middle East (in particular the military presence in Saudi Arabia) was indeed the reason he plotted, then carried out, the 9/11 attacks. Muslims don’t hate America for our freedoms…they don’t hate us because of our decadent ways…they don’t even hate us for American Idol. No, the Muslims that DO hate us hate us ‘cause we’ve got soldiers in their holiest of holy places – Mecca. There’s nothing that pisses ‘em off more than our military marking territory where Muslims pray. And as long as we have a military presence in the Middle East, we’re all targets. Just because politicians say we have to fight ‘em over there so they don’t come here doesn’t make it true. As long as we’re over there…they’re on the way here. Reverend Wright hit the nose on the head…and we’re all too stupid to see it.








(8.-)

Fry On Freebird

Albert Hoffman sleeps with the fishes today. No worries, he was 102 years old and when you get up into triple digits like that, you pretty much know you’re a short-timer.



Now, y’all might be thinkin’ to yourselves, “WTF is Albert Hoffman?” Well, the Hoffster wasn’t what you’d call a household name but he was the chemist who discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 in 1938. That’s right. Pre-WWII, good ole’ Albert invented LSD. After Tim Leary made acid popular in the ‘60’s and a couple of dumb-asses jumped out of windows, making it SCARY to the establishment, in stepped the Government-Cheese. They banned the drug in 1966.



“BOOGITYBOOGITYBOOGITY,” they said. “We’ve got to keep this dangerous drug out of the hands of innocent Americans! It’s for their own safety.” Yeah right. Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit:



If the Government-Cheese is worried about drugs and our safety, how come alcohol is legal? If the Government-Cheese is worried about drugs and our health, how come tobacco is legal? Why? ‘Cause they make a lot of money from the sales and taxing of those drugs. Bet your bottom dollar that if the Government-Cheese found a way to distribute, sell and tax LSD, there’d be vending machines everywhere sellin’ it.



The United States government never has and never will care about you, your safety or your health. They only care about spending your money. Is LSD really bad for you? Albert Hoffman took acid trips for decades…and he lived to be 102. So much for that theory.








(8.-)

SMiley and Say Cheese

So, Hannah Montana and her dad, the one-hit-wonder-chump, are appalled, embarrassed and generally feeling icky about pictures of the teen queen published in the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.



The shots were taken by world-famous photog Annie Leibovitz and we’ve gotta say, they’re tastefully done. That is, if pics of a scantily-clad, underage teeny-bopper can be called “tasteful.”


But here’s the crux of our biscuit…Vanity Fair isn’t Hustler and Annie Leibovitz isn’t Larry Flynt. Believe it…we know Larry Flynt and Annie Leibovitz is no Larry Flint. But Momma and Poppa were at the shoot…reps and advisors were at the shoot and no one said anything ‘til Disney got their knickers in a bunch. Hell, Dakota Montana herself said, "I think it's really artsy. It wasn't in a skanky way. Annie took, like, a beautiful shot, and I thought that was really cool. That's what she wanted me to do, and you can't say no to Annie."


Well, little one, we’ve got news for you. If anyone in your posse had thought that the pics would get you in trouble with your fans, and more importantly the people who sign your rather large checks, they should have spoken up. They didn’t. You didn’t. If you or mommy or daddy or your handlers didn’t say no to Annie and Vanity Fair that’s YOUR fault. Just remember one thing Ms. Miley…you’re only three years away from being another Danny Bonaduce, McCauley Culkin and/or Britney Spears. Hell you might even get JonBenet-ed. Good luck with THAT!


(8.-)

Diamonds and Rust

We’ve been on cloud nine ever since we found out the 775 was getting a Triple-A baseball team. After all, baseball is America’s pastime and we love to pass us some time watching a baseball game.

So, the quandary for us all now is what to name the team? The name needs to be strong. The name needs to be classy. The name should bring to mind the 775. The name should have a baseball-related theme. And the name should reflect the image of the parent club. So, as a public service, we’ll reiterate our stance that the new team should be the Reno Diamonds. Why?

Diamonds are the hardest mineral in the world – even harder than Dick Cheney’s heart.

Diamonds are so classy, they’re a girl’s best friend. In comparison, guys best buddies are dogs.


Diamonds bring to mind the 775 in the form of that little red thingy on playing cards. No, not the heart-shaped red thingy…the OTHER one.


Baseball is played on a field commonly referred to as a diamond.


Our new parent club is the Arizona Diamondbacks.

So, y’all can have yer contest and let some snot-nosed little fourth grader name the team the Chukars (something you do after you’ve had too much to drink), Blackjacks (something used to smack someone on the side of the head) or the Padres (Weakest. Religious Figure. Ever.) or you can go with the name that y’all know is the right one.


HELLO RENO DIAMONDS!

(8.-)

PoPo No No

Dammit! We wanted to go lite today seein’ as how it’s Friday and all. But circumstances have changed and we just HAVE to add our two bits.



As we’ve said many times before…here at PTB we love us the PoPo. Without them, BSC rat-bastards would be everywhere. But we’ve gotta ask…WTF is up with NYPD Blue?



Three detectives were acquitted Friday in the 50-shot killing of an unarmed man leaving his bachelor party. FIFTY FUCKIN’ SHOTS!!! Isn’t NYPD Blue trained to shoot straight? The victim was UNARMED! Hell, it’s not even the first time. Back in ’99, New York’s finest popped more than forty caps in a dude ‘cause they MISTOOK HIS WALLET FOR A GUN!!! And when they’re not using firearms on their victims, they’re using BROOMSTICKS. We call that one the “Rudy in the Booty.”



Look, we know that police work is hours of drudgery sprinkled with moments of terror. But that’s the job you chose. No one forced you to put on the uniform. No one MADE you become a cop. If you’re having trouble identifying the differences between an armed suspect and an unarmed innocent, maybe you should sign up to be a contractor for Blackwater or KBR. But if you’re gonna continue to patrol a beat, the least you could do is learn your craft to the point where you’re not killing those you swore to serve and protect.


(8.-)