Vote or Die

Here at PTB we love us some elections. Any time you can wake up and head out to the polls to vote, is a great day. Alas…we might be the only people in the 775 that actually show up at the polls today. Here is a scary stat…


There are 1.1 million registered voters in Nevada. Officials expect a 15% turnout today. That means 165,000 voters will decide the future of 2.5 million people. SHEESH! WTF is up with that?


In Russia, Election Day is a holiday. Its one big politics orgy and 99% of the people…not 99% of registered voters…but 99% of all eligible voters cast ballots. And the USofA can only manage 15%. We’re number one? Hardly.


We’ve got no use for those of you out there that don’t vote. The world is goin’ straight down the shitter and you can’t even cast your ballot? Losers. You deserve the slow, painful, lingering death that will befall you.


G.C. got it right…As long as Americans have their Hummers and their satellite televisions and cell phones that make pancakes, they won’t do a damn thing about anything. Self-centered, un-motivated, under-educated, lazy citizens. Sad but true. As for us...we're gonna head out to the polls, vote, then hang around macking on the ladies and checkin' the badonkadonks.

@:

:@

Musings From a Weekend in Beijing

WOW! That opening ceremony made the Wizard of Oz look like a crappy, low-budget 1970’s porn flick. Our first thought of the OC was “Don’t mess with China!”

When the organizers of London’s 2012 opening ceremony saw what the Chinese did, they promptly upchucked haggis all over their designer suits. The only way London’s OC could top Beijing’s is if they stage a full-scale reenactment of the Battle of Waterloo. Good luck with that.

Did you see Bush-Wipe at the OC? At one point he was looking restless and bored…much like an OCD 10-year-old sitting through a church service. All of a sudden he started using his little American Flag like a drumstick…tapping it on his leg in time to the music. Nice job Chimp-Dick. And you wanted a Constitutional Amendment to outlaw flag burning? You are a failure, an embarrassment and a hypocrite! You cannot be gone soon enough.

Last thing about the OC. Did you see the Hungarian team make their entrance? Their unis looked like they just came out of a paintball game!

Throughout the Olympics we’re seeing a lot of commercials from the Home Depot. The HD touts all the Oly athletes that work for ‘em. That made us think…Home Depot must have the baddest company softball team in the world!

Olympic drinking games. You’ve gotta drink whenever... 1. You hear the Olympic anthem. 2. You hear the Olympic fanfare. 3. Bob Costas says something that makes you cringe (for professional drinkers only). 4. China wins gold. That last one is a flash back to McDonalds’ 1984 debacle.

We’ve seen a lot of hottie Chinese women so far in this Oly. You’ve gotta think that the downloading of Asian porn has quadrupled in the last few days.

So, Kerri Walsh’s wedding ring flew off during a match yesterday. See, we told you we had telekinetic powers. Too bad they only work on jewelry and not clothing.

Gold, silver and bronze in Women’s Saber all went to Americans. WOO HOO!!! Never thought we’d see that in our lifetimes. After the medal ceremony the girls went over to get congratulations from former President Bush. One of the fencers started to cry and what did GHWB do? He pulled his snot rag out of his back pocket and gave it to her so she could dry her sniffles. Made us wanna hurl.

ANYWAY…we’ve got 13 more glorious days of Olympics still to come. If the first three days were any indication, we’re all in for one helluva ride.

(8.-)

08-08-08

To us here at PTB there is nothing better than the Olympics.

Sex? Overrated. Not that us basement-dwelling bloggers would have much experience with it. When we have our first experience, we might have to change this one.

Food? Puh-leeze. If the high-fructose corn syrup doesn’t kill you, the Salmonella will. Besides, the rule around here is no food near the keyboard and the keyboard is where we are most of the time.

Drugs & Alcohol? Nope. With what we’ve seen out there in Cyberia, we don’t need chemicals to make our heads spin. Besides, unless you’re a celebrity or a big-shot honcho or a bourgie rich white dude they’ll throw you in the hoosegow and throw away the key for doin’ that stuff.

No…our vice is the Olympics. It’s a once-every-four-year orgy of running, jumping, lifting, shooting, stabbing and crying that keeps our woodies up late at night.

What we love most about the Olympics is the fact that everyone is there for one reason…to compete. We’ve long held the thought that if countries could settle their differences on the playing fields instead of the battlefields; the world would be a lot better off. For the next two weeks…it will be.

(8.-)

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Apparently, he’s a bad guy. He’s been languishing in a gulag, without trial for seven years. The fascist government holding him finally rounded up a kangaroo court and put him on trial. Hearsay was admitted as evidence. His statements, made under duress, were allowed as evidence. His name is Salim Hamdan. Was he an enemy combatant? No. He was caught at a checkpoint in Afghanistan. Was he linked to 9/11? No. Was he a terrorist? No. The jury said he wasn’t. So, what was his crime? He was found guilty of being Osama Bin Laden’s driver.

Seven years in Gitmo and all the brother did was chauffer OBL’s hoopty. Is this what WPE meant when he said military commissions will only deal with the “worst of the worst”? Is this the highest level terrorist we could come up with? And we’ve gotta ask: Can you really go to jail merely because your boss was a prick and you knew it? Hell, if that’s the case, anyone working under the Bush-Wipes, the Donald or at WalMart could be Git-moed too.

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple: If they can hold someone without due process for seven years because he’s labeled an “enemy combatant”, who says they won’t do it to any of us?

Greatest country in the world? Hardly. Worst government in American history? Hell yes.

One last note: If GWB gets popped for war crimes...what happens to the pilot of Air Force One? Just asking.

(8.-)

Diamonds and Rust

Front and center on the RGJ sports page today: “Reno Who?” The story is about the perceived lack of progress being made by the new Triple-A baseball franchise. Funny, all Branch Rickey and the boys had to do was read us here at PTB. We’d set ‘em straight. So, just in case B.R. stops by, we’re gonna make our point again. Reno’s new baseball team should be named the Reno Diamonds.


Why?



1. Baseball is played on a diamond.


2. A diamond is one of the the hardest, toughest substances known to man.


3. One of the four suits in a deck of cards is diamonds.


4. The new Triple-A team’s parent club is the Arizona Diamondbacks.


5. Diamonds are a symbol of affluence.


There you have it…five excellent reasons why the newest team in the 775 should be called the Diamonds. We do have a worry though. Seems the P.R./marketing guys the team is using to find a name is called the “Carol Infranca and Associates marketing and public relations firm." YIKES! That’s the best name C.I. could come up with? If they're allowed to name the new team, they’ll probably call ‘em the Reno Baseball Team. Well, at least the Reno Bighorns is already taken.


(8.-)

Viva La Paris

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Money Kills

If you think about it...the USofA hasn't won a war since 1945. Korea? Nope, the commies are still there. Vietnam? Commies are still there too.

How 'bout the war on teen pregnancy? Lost. Have you seen the Maury Show lately? "You are NOT the father!"

The war against poverty? Not in this economy. The war against illiteracy? Nope. Heck, half the people reading today's post don't even know what the word illiterate means!

The war on terror? Puh-leze. The Bush-Wipes wouldn't know a terrorist if one bit 'em in the ass. Heck, the presumptive Republican nominee for president doesn't even know the difference between Sunni and Shia.

No...we've been getting our hats handed to us on many fronts and the latest is in the war on drugs. Seems that out of all the currencies in the world, more cocaine is found on US dollar bills than on any other country's money. WOO HOO!!! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!

The crux of today's biscuit is simple: Drugs should be legalized. All drugs. Nicotine and alcohol are legal and they're two of the most harmful substances out there. Why are they legal? 'Cause tighty-righties make lots of cash selling the stuff. Who makes money off of sellin' Mary Jane and blow? Brown-skinded brothers. See what we mean? If you're gonna let people smoke cigars and cigarettes and if you're letting them drink alcohol, you've got no right to tell 'em what they CAN'T imbibe. Don't believe us?

High Fructose Corn Syrup is some of the worst stuff you can do, yet millions of Americans O.D. on the stuff every day. Cocaine was LEGAL in the U.S. 'til 1914. That means the American Revolution, the War of 1812, the Mexican-American War, the Civil War and the Spanish American War were all fought while cocaine was legal. Think any of those brothers were under the influence? Bet on it. Did it hurt 'em? Doesn't look like it.

(8.-)

Eight Long Years

Hearing these numbers made us want to hurl. Hope they don't have the same effect on you.

- Eight years ago a gallon of gas cost $1.47.

- Now a gallon of gas costs $3.99.

- Eight years ago Exxon-Mobile posted earnings of 4.15 billion dollars.

- Last week Exxon-Mobile posted earnings of 11.68 billion dollars.

Anyone telling you that we're all better off now than we were eight years ago is either lying, deluded, a John McCain supporter or all three.

(8.-)

Freeballin' Friday

Artown 2008 ended last night with a performance by the Harlem Gospel Choir. More than 3,000 people jammed into Wingfield Park to catch the show. Curious factoid…when the HGC arrived in the 775 the number of brown-skinded brothers in the area DOUBLED!

Question: If the drought here in the 775 keeps going, where are all the newbies gonna get their water? We’ve been sayin’ it for years…water is the new gold.

The NBA’s D-League team in Reno got a name…Bighorns. Puh-Leeze! Aren’t bighorns part of the SHEEP family? They named our team after a four-legged, head-bangin’ vegetarian. Bummer.

It seems that the Rail City wants to bail out of the RSCVA. We can understand that. Sparks NEVER got props from the RSCVA. We do wonder...if Sparks is gonna form its own bureau, where they gonna get the money to pay for it? Just asking.

Michelle Wie is tied for 77th place at the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open (what, no mention of Sparks?). Hey Wie Wie…go back and play with the girls ‘til you win something there. Now, you’re just takin’ bread outta some poor man’s wallet.

Finally, Hot August Nights starts up this weekend. It’s a celebration of a simpler time when minorities were treated like shit, women were discouraged from working and the only drugs in baseball were alcohol and nicotine. WARNING! Watch out for blue hairs with blue plates drivin’ momma’s hoopty. Fuel is so expensive now, they’re not gonna stop for anything (except maybe to buy more gas).

(8.-)

Beers of Fury

It has been a staple on college campuses from the dawn of time. It is a sport that can be played equally well by men and women. The competition is quick, intense, sometimes bordering on insanity. And now buzzkills around the country want it all to stop. WTF are we talking about? Beer Pong.

Georgetown, The University of Pennsylvania, Yale, U-Mass and Tufts are only a few of the schools forbidding the evil game. Heck, entire towns in New Jersey have illegal-ized the sport. In Utah, they probably throw you in prison if they catch you BP’ing. Their reasoning is simple: Kids who play Beer Pong tend to drink beer. Maybe a bit too much beer. No kidding.

Now, we’ve got no problem with the Government-Cheese trying to keep kids safe. Although, we do think that if you’re old enough to die for your country in some far-away war zone, you SHOULD be able to slam a few barley pops. But that’s the crux of a different biscuit.

But what is the reasoning behind prohibiting people of legal age from playing Beer Pong? Belmar, New Jersey’s city council passed an ordinance declaring that outdoor BP “exposed unconsenting neighbors to foul language, rowdy and disorderly behavior and examples of the consumption of alcohol under circumstances that are detrimental.”

Look guys. Drinking alcohol is detrimental no matter what. Banning a game ‘cause people drink while doing it is stupid. You wanna know what kids will do when you take away their Beer Pong? They’ll invent a new game…like sitting in front of the television with a case of Keystone and every time a commercial for Viagra or Cialis comes on, they’ll slam a beer. They call it “Beer Dong.”

(8.-)

The Company You Keep

There’s no better way to score with chicks than to have a cute puppy with you. We’ve tried it and it works. Believe it…if it works for us, it’ll work for ANYONE! The ladies just can’t resist a fuzzy li’l pooch.

The move is used all over the world. Heck, it’s even spread to Saudi Arabia…go figure. Alas, it’s not to last. The Saudi religious police heard about the practice of “Get a pooch, get a smooch” and now they’re banning the sale of cats and dogs! WTF is up with that?

It’s bad enough to have to live in the SA. It’s as smooth as Mitt Romney’s hair, it's hotter than hell and there’s nothing to do but pray and/or go to church. Now the buzzkills-that-be are outlawing man’s best friend. SHEESH! It’s a wonder anyone ever hooks up in the SA. The saddest part is, the Saudis are Chimp-Dick’s bestest buddies. Heck, King Abdullah and G-Dub are practically goin’ steady. WPE whines all the time about the human rights record of countries like Iran, China and Russia while his Saudi friends treat their citizens worse than anyone. It's bad enough that Saudi Aribia treats its women like non-entities...it's bad enough that Saudi teens can't listen to rock & roll music...but to ban people from owning cats and dogs? Unacceptable.

{8.-)

A Hero Ain't Nothin' But A Sandwich

Creepy John McSame is in the 775 today. He’s trying to drum up votes here in the Silver State and that got us thinking…

Everyone knows Captain Mac was a pilot in the ‘Nam and got his multi-million dollar plane popped by a couple of rice farmers with a blowgun. Question: Does getting your ass shot down make you a hero or a shitty pilot?

The reason we ask, is that many in the right-wing corporate media (and even the senator himself) say that having been a fighter pilot makes McLame uniquely qualified to be our next president. We disagree. Why?

A couple of years ago the NV voted a former fighter pilot into the job of governor. Today the state is goin’ to purgatory in a purse, we’ve got no money and we’re cutting programs and services like it was a fire sale. Leadership? Non-existant.

So, it’s our conclusion that being a fighter pilot doesn’t automatically make you a good leader. Being a fighter pilot who got shot down makes you...well...an easy target. Our only consolation is that Uncle Fester is probably gonna name Skeevy Mr. Perfect Hair as his running mate. And we all remember what happened to Captain Mac’s last wingman!

(8.-)

Better Off Dead

Historically, the Republican Party claims they're the party of small government.

Historically, the Republican Party claims they’re best able to defend America against her enemies.

Historically, the Republican Party claims they're the party of fiscal responsibility.

Historically. Now?

The federal government has grown more since 2000 than at any other time since the Great Depression.

So much for small government.

The Bush Administration was 22% into their term and republicans had control of the House and Senate for more than eight years on 9/11.

So much for keeping the country safe.

Today the White House has increased its 2009 deficit forecast to almost 500 BILLION dollars. When the Bush-Wipes took office the national debt was 5.6 trillion dollars. Now? More than 9.5 trillion dollars.

So much for fiscal responsibility.

“Tell them a lie, make it big, keep it simple, keep saying it and eventually they’ll believe it.” – Adolph Hitler

When they tell you they care about America…they’re lying! Remember that when you vote.

(8.-)

No Shows

We don't really care what the City of Sparks does about its flood problems...we're just glad they're trying to fix the situation. After all, we live in the high desert and when the poop hits the prop, things go south in a hurry.



Earlier this week the Sparks City Council voted on stage two of their flood plan. It didn't pass. WTF is the big deal you say? The reason the measure failed was because three votes were needed for passage and only three council members were present for the vote.



There are only five members of the Sparks City Council. That means 40% of the council missed the meeting. This is a perfect example of why we hate the Government-Cheese. Councilmen Ron Smith and John Mayer were elected to serve their community and they shirked their responsibilities. They were MIA.



The crux of our biscuit is simple...if you're an elected official, the only excuse for missing a vote is if you're dead. Councilmen Smith and Mayer are quite alive we're sure...but if they keep up this type of behavior, they'll be missing a lot of votes. That's 'cause they won't get re-elected.


(8.-)

Draggin' Ass

Reno 911’s gonna spend time, effort resources and money to stop…get this…illegal drag racing! They seem to think it’s the scourge of the 775. Do you know how much that’s gonna cost? Lots. All to bust the Fast and the Furious. Tell you what guys…here’s how you bust illegal drag racers.

Go to a 7-11 on a Saturday night and wait for a souped-up rice rocket to roll in. When the driver asks for $120 in premium gas and two tanks of nitrous oxide…you’re close. Then, look out into the parking lot and when you see a hoopty full of drunked out skeezers yellin’ “GO GREASED LIGHTNIN”!!! You’ve got ‘em…cheap and easy.

As for us…we think there are better ways for the PoPo to spend their time and effort…like bringing Brianna justice. Guess it’s much easier bustin’ Mario Andretti than it is to catch a killer. Easy? Yes. High priority? No.

(8.-)

Friends With Benefits

Looks like Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons isn't even gonna let the ink dry on his divorce before he hits the town with another piece of eye candy. Hey, we don't blame him. After all, he is quite the looker and no governor should ever have to go to bed or to dinner or to a movie all by his lonesome. With that said, we've come up with three women who would be a good match for GJG:

1. Princess Beatrice: She's a bit googly-eyed, she's not blonde and she might be a bit young for the Gov, but she has friends and family in high places. Good to have on your side while your career is sinking like the anchor of the Titanic.

2. Ivanka Trump: She has the money and the pedigree to become a major player in the Republican party. Problem is, her dad thinks Nevada IS a wasteland. Could be a conflict of interest with all of his holdings on the east coast. Thanks for the help Donny!

3. Christie Brinkley. Recently divorced so she can be had on the rebound. Has her own money. Blonde. The one problem we might have with this one is that ChristieB is not only smokin' hot, she's smart too. If she opens her mouth, we might find out how smart Governor Jim is...and that wouldn't be good for anyone.

(8.-)

Time for Some Campaignin'

No matter that patriotism is too often the refuge of scoundrels. Dissent, rebellion, and all-around hell-raising remain the true duty of patriots. -- Barbara Ehrenreich

As the World Terms

The Republican revolution of 1994 brought a lot of crappy ideas to the forefront. Flag burning amendments, gay marriage amendments, tax cuts for the rich amendments. But another idea that came out of that conservative wave of icky-ness was term limits. Worst. Idea. Ever.

When we first heard about term limits we cried from the mountaintop, “NOOOO! We already HAVE term limits. It’s called your VOTE!” And the unwashed masses stared blankly back at us as if we were speaking a foreign language. They’d been told that term limits would break the back of old-time cronyism, get the fat-cats out of office and get some new blood in there. The people spoke and term limits passed.

Now it looks like a couple of buzz-kills are trying to hang on to the last vestiges of public life by suing to save their term-limited J.O.B.s. We know why they’re doing it…it’s just that we wish they’d come clean to us about why they’re doing it.

You see, they’ll tell you that Nevada will lose valuable experience and decades of political knowledge with the loss of term-limited legislators. They’ll tell you that they love Nevada and her people and that they only think of those needs. They’d say that to you…and they’d be lying.

See the recent state our State is in? They’re cuttin’ programs like a Mohel cuttin’ Bris. Who’s been in charge? The same folks who wanna stay in charge. Reality is, when you’re in the last years of a political career, you’re more likely to set yourself up with a future lobbying job than to do the people’s business. How do we know? They’re spending an awful lot of money defending a shitty-paying job. Now we don’t like mandatory term limits. But that’s what the election was for. The law’s the law. So pack your bags folks…and get the hell outta Dodge.

(8.-)

For a Few Dollars More

A politician is a pandering, grab-ass, cracker, bourgie, me first, adultering, glorified, snake oil selling, cute & fuzzy bunny.

A statesman is a visionary with a grasp of the situation, solutions to the problem and an eye on the future.

What we need here in the NV is more statesmen and fewer politicians.

When they say they love America and they're looking out for your interests...They're LYING!

We'll expect resignation papers shortly.

(8.-)

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

We haiku about the recent trouble of one of the most famous athletes to come out of THE University of Nevada:

Tony Z - Kicker

gets the girl by drugging her.

Jocks feel entitled.

Where did you learn this?

Didn't football teach you class?

Or did you skip class?

(8.-)

Thought Bubbles

Gotta get some things off the proverbial chest…


If the state of Nevada is so hard-up for money and it costs between $35,000 and $60,000 a year to house an inmate; WTF has the state only executed eight percent of inmates on death row in the past 25 years? C’mon guys…we don’t wanna be like Texas here but SHEESH! They’re on DEATH ROW for a reason! Y’all could save money by starting there.



Uh oh…we see that former Nevada football player Tony Zendejas is having a bad day. Just goes to show you…once a Wolf Pack football player, always a Wolf Pack football player. Chris Ault’s career must be spinning in its grave.



What’s the big deal watching overpaid, over-hyped, uber-ego celebrities playing in a golf tournament? It would be one thing if Tiger, Phil and Vijay were battling it out on the links but the Donald, Bread Truck and Jack Friggin’ Wagner? No. Way.



JonBenet Ramsey’s family was cleared of any suspicion in her death by coppers down in the 303. Took ya long enough Joe Friday. It’s been more than a decade and there still isn’t a suspect. You’d think they’d have figured out SOMETHING by now. You’d think…but you’d be wrong.



And finally…we knew that “Tad the Bad” couldn’t stay off the airwaves very long. The only thing bigger than his waist is his massive ego. He actually thinks he looks good on camera. UGH! The brother gives new meaning to the term “wide shot.”



(8.-)

Persian Missile Crisis

King George warned us about the “pussification of America.” Ike warned us about the “military-industrial complex.” Here’s an example of both:

Yesterday, a charter member of the “Axis of Evil” tested a couple of missiles. Poor little things. They’ve got a range as far as a Hummer on half tank of gas and can’t carry anything heavier than a supermodel’s butt cheek but the tighty-righties are goin’ ballistic (pun intended) over the perceived threat to Israel. Well folks, it’s all crap.

Full disclosure: We here at PTB love us some Persians. When we were matriculating up at THE University of Nevada, there were more Iranian exchange students per capita than any other college in the USofA. Besides, have you seen their women? Aye Caramba! Anyway…


It seems that the Bush-Wipes are skid marking their Underoos in an attempt to get a missile defense shield up and working in Eastern Europe. They’re so scared right now you can hear their teeth chattering and they’re trying to scare the bejeezus out of the rest of America too. Why? ‘Cause when the bad guys rattle a few sabers, the majority of Americans start whimpering like lost puppies. Friggin’ wusses.

Face the facts folks, Iran is gonna get nukes and we can’t stop ‘em. How do we know? Our military is FUBAR, we’ve got no scratch and our worldwide cred hangs at the same level as Burkina Faso. Besides, what gives us the right to tell another country that they can’t have nuclear energy/nuclear weapons? You say that the Iranians are state-sponsors of terror? Ask a Nicaraguan or a Venezuelan or an Angolan what superpower funds THEIR terrorists. You got it…we do. So much for the high moral ground.

You say we need to protect Israel? You’re kidding, right? Israel doesn’t need our protection. Hell, they’ve got one of the top armies in the world. They’re loaded with battle-hardened vets and state-of-the-art weapons systems. If Iran wants to pick a fight with Israel, they’ll get their asses handed to ‘em. Just ask Syria, Egypt and Jordan. SPANK! Israel v. Iran would look a lot like Hagler v. Hearns (Iran being Tommy Hearns). No Israel will be just fine on her own.

No, the reason the neo-con fascist turd blossoms are making such a stink is so they can put more and more of your hard-earned money into the pockets of Raytheon, Halliburton, General Dynamics and the rest of their corporate buddies. So while they let healthcare and education and infrastructure rot to shit, their fat-cat buddies roll in the dough. All the while, Americans follow like sheep. Like King George said, “As long as Americans have cell phones that can make pancakes, they don’t give a shit about the rest of the world.” Sad but true.

(8.-)

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Goofy with an Uzi? Looks like the Happiest Place on Earth just got a bit happier.

Here at PTB we love our guns. We pack heat. We think EVERYONE should 10-32. That’s why we’re not too worried that tighty-righties in the Sunshine State want employees of Disney World to be able to CARRY GUNS.

Two reasons:


First, anyone who’s ever worked with kids knows that the little buggers could use a good wingin’ now and then. Brings new meaning to the term “time out”. We’re not talking ‘bout poppin’ a cap in little Billy, but if the little raggamuffin kicks Donald Duck in the shin again…POW!



And secondly, just think, no one will ever want to commit a crime at DW ever again. Why? ‘Cause if you were the guy that got shot by Minnie Mouse…you wouldn’t last a minute in the slam. You’d be the laughingstock of your cell block. Now that’s what we call a deterrent.



We kid though…Dis-ployees WOULDN'T be able to carry weapons into the park. They’d have to leave ‘em in their cars. Opponents point out that lots of people get capped by someone who got angry, went back to their car and got a gun. Florida State Representative Stan Mayfield defends the new law by saying that your car is an extension of your home…KEWL!



As soon as we get to DW’s parking lot, we’re gonna do the nasty in the back seat, take a wiz out of the side window, then hang our laundry to dry on the open hood. After all, that’s what we do in OUR house.


Actually, our house is really Mom & Dad’s house…we just live in the basement…but we’ll get their permission.


(8.-)

Monday Meanderings

The Monday after a holiday is the hardest day of the year to go to work. Alcohol. tobacco and barbeque sauce still on your breath (and fingers). The sweet smell of burned sulphur in your nose and the sight of the rockets red glare etched on to the back of your retinas. Yup, the Monday after a holiday is a tough one so we’re gonna go light and do a couple of hit-and-runs.





No end in sight for the salmonella outbreak. The FDA continues to investigate but they’re as clueless as a bag of doorknobs. Can you say Keystone Cops? Funny, notice how all the ingredients suspected in this whole circle-puke are in Mexican food? Tomatoes, cilantro, jalapeños. SHEESH! Like our brown-skinded brothers from Mexico need more shit from the tighty-righties. Guess that asinine immigration wall is working out just the way the government-cheese wants it to.





Seems old, infirm and sickly prisoners in Cali are puttin’ a crimp in the state budget. No shit. Problem is, the United States has more people in prison than friggin’ CHINA! WTF is up with that? Oh yeah. If you’re Mexican or brown-skinded or you put drugs in your system not okayed by the feds you’re livin’ in the gray bar motel long time. If you’re a white, bourgie, celebrity type you get let off the hook. You think if Tatum O’Neil was you or me she’d have gotten off like she did? No. If it were you and me, we’d be languishing in Gitmo. Guaranteed.





So, the University of Nevada has run up a tab for outside legal fees to the tune of 1.7 million dollars. Huh? UNR is cutting programs like they’re overgrown toenails. They’re cranking up student tuition and fees and then they run up a bill like this. Someone’s Wolf Pack head should be on a platter over this cluster-fuck. BTW…if the football team routinely loses two million dollars a year, why not cut THAT waste of money? It’s not like anyone goes to football games anyway. Besides, UNR’s stance is that football can, eventually, increase revenues. Right. By beating the snot out of Sacramento State? By playing nowhere in a nothing bowl the day after Thanksgiving? Hey Glickety-Split…just ‘cause the Little General can kick your ass doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider cutting him loose. After all, you’ve fired coaches with much better teams and much better records.





And finally…according to the AP, pools and parks are starting to open in Baghdad. Great. Brings new meaning to the ol’ CANNONBALL! Oh yeah…in this picture…the lifeguard at the pool is fully dressed in COMBAT GEAR! How’s he gonna jump in and save anyone with all that Kevlar on? He’d sink right to the bottom. Better than getting IED’d but its STILL the Suck.




(8.-)

War of the Ho'ses

We got lucky when the Supreme Court appointed Chimp-Dick to the highest gig in the land. No, not because we wanted to break the military with two illicit wars, not because we wanted a gallon of gas to cost more than a lobster dinner and not even ‘cause we wanted the government-cheese to wipe their collective asses with the Constitution. No, we got lucky ‘cause GWB married Laura Welch.




See, we grew up with skanks like "Just Say No" Nancy, Mrs. Bush Vol.1 and Sir Edmund Hillary serving as first ladies. Talk about a Wolf Pack. ARF! But Mrs. Bush…lol…we said Mrs. BUSH…HAW! She’s a stone-cold fox.




When we heard that Americans are debating which potential first lady they’d like better, Michelle Obama or Cindy McCain, we had to drop our dime on this one ‘cause we like ‘em BOTH!




Michelle Obama is one smokin’ hot MILF. We’d tap that ass in a New York Minute. Hop in the sack with her and it’s “LIVIN’ THE VIDA MOCHA!” She’s the hippest, coolest thing to hit the DC since Jackie-O…and, you just KNOW there was a reason why they called her that! From here on, the ‘Bamer’s wife shall be known as Michelle-O. We sure wonder if she’s worthy of the “O”. Our guess is yes.




On the other side of the aisle is Cindy McCain. Now she’s a smokin’ hot GILF. The former beauty queen has that look that says “I’m classy in public and a ‘ho in the bedroom. YIKES! How do we know? She was bangin’ Senator McSame while he was married. Evil, nasty, dirty girl! From here on Mrs. McCain shall be known as Sin-D. Besides, she’s filthy, stinkin’ rich! She’s so loaded, she makes Bill Gates look like he’s homeless!




Either way you slice it, we’re gonna have four more years of a hot, sexy first lady. Maybe we’ll do a booty call on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Monica Lewinsky did and she's a MAJOR skank!



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