Why Book Learnin is Expensive

Adam and Eve
went to the tree
to take a bite of knowledge.


God came down
and looked around
And said, “Now pay your own way through college!



(8.-)



Special props to our own Casey Kasten for helpin’ out with that one. It’s a beautiful sight seein’ those Reynolds School of Journalism grads hard at work.

Fluff Bombing

We’re gonna do a quick drive by today, so hang on…


This is a perfect example why Michael Vick can munch on our doodleberries. Man has seizure, man needs medical attention. Who calls 911? HIS DOG! Yup...and the canine with the cranium didn’t even need to call information to get the number. He’d already dialed 911 for his owner on two other occasions. They don’t call ‘em “man’s Best Friend” for nothin’.


The two states with the highest dropout rates for high schoolers? The Silver State and the Great White North. Following close behind…Mississippi, Alabama, Texas and the rest of the bass-ackward deep south. No more wondering how the hell those guys can vote Republican time and time again -- no brain pans.


Foreclosures in the 775 jumped 46% in August. People are losing their homes at an astounding rate. Hmmm…and who’s been in charge the last eight years? Tighty-righty.


It looks like the FDA has approved an “anti-nausea patch” to help people undergoing chemo. Waste. Of. Time. We already have the best nausea-killer in the world growin’ naturally. It’s called the Kind. Wanna know why ganja is illegal and the new FDA patch isn’t? ‘Cause with the chronic, Cheech and Chong get the cash with the new patch…Big Pharma gets the loot. Guess who the government-cheese is gonna side with on that one?


And finally…


Yesterday, The Invisible Man in the Sky’s Right Hand Man here on Earth said that people must accept death at “The hour chosen by God.” Screw that bub. That’s why they have Sudafed, NyQuil, Bayer Aspirin and Band Aids. If the Big Guy gets to decide…why the hell do we have House and Hawkeye and Marcus Welby? No, we will not go quietly in to that good night. Y’all gonna have to take us outta here kickin’ and screamin’. So, when You’re ready, You’d better call Your bouncers ‘cause we’re not gonna go there without a fight.


(8.-)

Boob Tube Banned by Boobs

As a rule, we don’t talk much about television ‘round here because…


FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars…


But last week, Saudi Arabia's top judiciary official issued a religious decree saying it is permissible to kill owners of satellite TV networks that broadcast “immoral” content because it causes the "deviance of thousands of people.” WOW…that’s some heavy guilt there. We knew television had influence on people but we had no idea it had that kinda pull.


The crux of today’s biscuit is twofold…


Saudi Arabia is George W. Bush’s closest ally and bestest friend. Now, Chimp-Dick has said time and time again that America will not tolerate oppressive regimes. That’s one of the (later) reasons he gave us for invading Iraq. So, how come WPE is willing to break our army by invading Mesopotamia and he licks the sweat off the nut sacks of Saudi Arabian leaders? It’s called being a hypocrite and anyone who doesn’t see that is either dumber than a bag of doorknobs or so far right that they make Karl Rove look like Teddy Kennedy.


Secondly…do you really think the Saudi royal family turns off the television when the Sopranos comes on? No. Fact of the matter is, those BSC motherhubbards watch Desperate Housewives, Weeds, Big Love , American Idol and all the other “immoral” shows out there in the comfort and privacy of their palaces while they down 40’s and smoke the “O”. Meanwhile, the unwashed masses don’t even have enough money to piss in a pot.


Control what people read, control what they see on television, control what they hear on the radio and they won’t realize what assholes y’all are. Saudi Arabia may be pResident Bush’s paramour but we know they’re just another bass-ackward third-world country, keepin’ down the little guy and living to excess. It’s what the Shah of Iran did the same thing and look what happened to him!


(8.-)

Thirty-Nine Years in One Minute

Sorry 'bout bein' all negative lately. It seems like the last months of the Bush Administration are taking it's toll. But today, we're gonna lighten things up.



The video above is a perfect example of why the Simpsons is the greatest television show ever.


FULL DISCLAIMER: Every time you watch the Simpsons, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.


Enjoy the vid and your weekend. We'll be back on Monday.


(8.-)

Seven Years of Darkness

Seven years…it’s been seven years since OBL and his minions took a bite outta the Big Apple. If you were on Planet E at the time, you know exactly where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news and if you’re anything like us…you wanted vengeance. What we got were damned lies, band-aids and flag pins.


Seven years, thousands of military casualties, hundreds of thousands of civilians dead, billions of dollars…wasted.


In seven years, we haven’t brought one single terrorist to justice.


In seven years, we're still not even close to catching OBL.


In seven years, the ports and borders are still unprotected from another terrorist attack.


In seven years, the best idea they could come up with on airport security was to confiscate shampoo bottles and cigarette lighters.


In seven years we’ve gone from being the shining beacon of freedom in the world to become a terrorist state in our own right…torturing, killing, lying.


In seven years, the Bush-Wipes broke the army, bankrupted the treasury, nearly wiped out the middle class, started spying on American citizens, all while looking us straight in the face and telling us what a good job they’ve been doing. POPPYCOCK.


Somewhere on the Pakistan/Afghanistan border OBL is kickin’ back in his cave, watchin’ Al Jazeera on his 52” flat-screen, sippin’ on a forty and smilin’ that smile of his. He knows he kicked our asses. Nineteen guys with boxcutters brought down the most powerful nation in the world…all with a little help from pResident George W. Bush and his ilk.



In seven years WPE has done nothing to keep us safe, he’s done nothing to prevent the next attack, he’s done nothing but try to scare the bejeezus out of us in an attempt to keep his party in power. Seven dark years of GWB in office seems like forever and it can’t get over soon enough for us. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again. Worst. President. Ever.


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Boom Boom...Out Go the Lights

There's a reason we like scientists better than creationists. Creationists say, "God says it so it must be true." Proof or not. On the other hand, scientists say, "Einstein said it, so let's prove him wrong. Or, at least, prove him right."


Well, today the scientists have the creationists' panties in a bunch. Over in the EU, scientists are revvin' up the Large Hadron Collider. They're gonna zip around a couple o' protons and then blow 'em up. Creationists think it'll create a black hole that'll swallow the world. Our question to the God folks: Don't you think your deity would, you know, step in and stop this shizzle before it ended the world? C'mon guys...faith of a mustard seed!


Anyway...the video above is a perfect example of why "Schoolhouse Rock" was one of the greatest man-made creations in history. If these brothers can make particle physics fun and interesting, just think what they could do for religion. Here's hoping they don't.


(8.-)

MeTarded

Me-Tard (adj) Someone who is so self-centered as to seem dumb to "normal" people.




If you’re gonna vote for John McCain just’cause his running mate is a smokin’ hot VPILF…you might be a MeTard.


If you wag your morally righteous finger in our face and warn us about eternal damnation then turn around and let your teenage daughter get knocked up…you might be a MeTard.


If you think that a storm hitting the Gulf Coast is God’s way of punishing the gays…you might be a MeTard.


If you think anyone in the USo’A beside the Bush-Wipes gives one shizzle about the Russia/Georgia conflict…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the Invisible Man in the Sky cares about who wins the Super Bowl, the Presidential election or the war in Iraq…you might be a MeTard.


If you think teen pregnancy, gay sex or burning the American flag is immoral…you might be a MeTard.


If you think the media is liberal but don’t realize that images of flag-draped coffins are totally absent from the nightly news…you might be a MeTard.


And finally…


If you believe one campaign promise from one candidate will be kept…you’re not only a MeTard…you might wanna check the note pinned to your shirt. That’ll tell you who you are, where you need to go and who’s gonna claim you.


(8.-)

The Rich Get Richer While the Poor Get Screwed

If you opened a business and then ran it into the ground, you’d be dirt poor faster than Usain Bolt covers a hundred meters. The bill collectors and the Government-Cheese would be on you like a hound dog humpin’ a stranger’s leg.



So we’ve gotta ask…WTF is the government doin’ bailing out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? WPE says he’s tryin’ to keep the economy afloat. Thanks Chimp-Dick…you’re the one who got us into this clusterfuck in the first place. Now you wanna help? Now we're really gonna be screwed.



The crux of today’s biscuit is simple. If you’re a bourgie rich motherhubbard, the Government-Cheese will help you out with tax cuts and bailouts. If you’re middle class or lower…bend over and take one in the poop shoot. After all...they've gotta screw someone! We say it all the time...when they tell you that they care about the American people…they’re lying!



(8.-)

RNC Ya Later

Last night’s RNC Convention-ender is a stark reminder to anyone wanting to go into politics….learn to read a TelePrompter. If you don’t, you risk looking like a skeevy, creepy old perv. Just ask Senator McSame. But while most peeps were watchin’ the convention on networks like MSNBC, CNN or Faux News…we were watchin’ it all on C-Span. The difference? No bobbleheads…no spin…no commercials…wall-to-wall uninterrupted coverage. It’s what we like to say is: “balls to the wall.”



So, if you weren’t watchin’ C-Span, you probably missed the scariest thing to happen in quite some time. Just as the convention was ending…balloons poppin’ in the background like shots from an M-16…up walks a preacher man. As he spoke, the crowd quieted and the preacher man launched into a prayer.



He asked the Invisible Man in the Sky to watch over the Republican party and to watch over John McCain and to help the tighty-righties win the election. Oh yeah…and don’t forget to watch over our troops. That got us thinkin’…which party does JZeus support? Do you think it’s the Republican Party? We demonstrate with haiku…




Kill ‘em in Iraq
Revenge for 9-11
Osama’s not there.


Right-wing war machine
Russia, Iran, Syria
WTF is next?


Tax cuts for the rich
Let the poor folks help themselves
Get a job suckers!



POW J-Mac
How many houses you have?
A lot more than us.



Little guys hurtin’
Trickle-down economy
doesn’t help the poor.




Hey God, you up there?
Republicans claim you’re theirs
That, or they’re lying.


(8.-)

Sarah Palin Tall

Here at PTB there’s nothing that chaps our collective asses more than the hypocrisy of politicians. Last night’s Republican National Convention was a shining example of why we constantly sport pink cheeks. A couple of things stuck out…



With all their talk about the USo’A bein’ the greatest country in the world and the diversity of its people…notice how there’s a dearth of brown-skinded brothers and sisters at the RNC? That place is filled with so much white it looks like a huge bowl of Uncle Ben’s rice. SHEESH…there are so many crackers in StP, it looks like a Saltine factory exploded. Hey re-flub-licans…whitey isn’t the only one livin’ in America. Guess they think “diversity” is the place you play college sports.



Smokin’ hot VPILF Sarah Palin gave a barn-burner of a speech last night and afterward Delaware's own JoeyB said that her family should be “of limits” to the media. Nice try bub. Ya see, Palin believes JZeus is head honcho and people should do WTF he says or risk eternal damnation. We’re kewl with ED but we’ve gotta ask…”Yo VPILF…how’s that religion-based abstinence program for teens goin’? See, Palin doesn’t believe in sex education, condoms or the pill. She thinks prayer’s gonna keep the li’l ones from goin’ carnal and gettin' preggers. Guess what? It. Doesn’t. Work.



Lastly…and we ask this often…if Sarah Palin is truly a Christian woman, full of Christian values, livin’ and lovin’ the words of JZeus, how the hell can she support the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? In other words, who would JZeus blow up? The answer is NOBODY! She may be a conservative, she may SAY she loves JZeus…but NO WAY is Sarah Palin a Christian. Don’t believe? Just read Matthew 25: 35-40. Or better yet…read the sixth commandment. Damned hypocrite.




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Shoot Me Once...Shoot Me Twice...

We had a hoot last night watching the Republican National Convention. Does anyone else think Joe Lieberman sounds like Bad Luck Schleprock from the Bam Bam & Pebbles Show? “Wowzie wowzie woo woo.” Simply hilarious.


The combination of Flip-Flop Joe and the Smirking Chimp was a perfect example of how not to give a speech. But Fred Thompson pulled that Buick out of the mud. He got up and drawled about Senator John McCain’s life…did a pretty good job too. But Hollywood Elite boy turned good ole’ boy said something that got us thinkin’…


John McCain graduated from the Naval Academy 894th out of 899 students. Pretty weak, even by Republican standards. But what got our attention was the fact that Senator McSame was on the USS Forrestal when it caught fire. Ya see, some dumbass accidentally shot a missile while on the flight deck and blew the dog snot outta 295 crewmen, killing 134.


The crux of this biscuit is simple…


John McCain got shot down over Hanoi. John McCain got shot down on his own aircraft carrier. If John McCain becomes President…how long before he gets shot down in Air Force One? Just asking.



(8.-)

XXX Files

So, David Duchovny has checked into rehab ‘cause he’s a sex addict. Hey DD, you’re married to Tia Leone…you’d BETTER be a sex addict! Heck, you used to be a Hollywood A-Lister, You probably got more trim in one week of X-Files than we’ve gotten in our whole lives.



Smokin’ hot VPILF Sarah Palin’s unwed, 17-year-old daughter is preggers. FULL DISCLOSURE: None of the brothers here at PTB were responsible. The tighty-righties heard about Palin’s fertile offspring and skidmarked their Underoos. Hey GOP…didn’t the Invisible Man in the Sky tell you sex is only supposed to be between a man and his wife? Don’t try to sell us your Puritanical bullshit if you don’t even believe it yourselves.


(8.-)

Labor Day Liturgy

We could see it if John McCain would’ve picked With Romney or Rudi-In-The-Booty as his VP. But by picking Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, one smokin’ hot “VPILF”, it seems like the GOP is giving up on the November elections. If the tighty-righties wanted a grrl for the number two spot, they’d have been better off pickin’ Condi. BTW…has there ever been more rocket hot women in politics than right now? We think not.

According to a report from the Rand Corporation, “Current U.S. strategy against the terrorist group al Qaida has not been successful in significantly undermining the group's capabilities. Al Qaida has been involved in more terrorist attacks since Sept. 11, 2001, than it was during its prior history and the group's attacks since then have spanned an increasingly broader range of targets in Europe, Asia, the Middle East and Africa.” Here at PTB, we’ve been sayin’ that exact same thing for more than a half a decade. Regular readers can now, officially, look down their noses at the unwashed masses.

So, Sparks Middle School has gone Borg. Funny...while we’re big fans of the schoolgirl look here at PTB, we’ve gotta ask: “Isn’t that the very same thing those Godless Commie rat-bastard North Koreans do to their kids? Yup.

Last week, Reno-911 busted some poor Rasta for drugs while he was on his way to Burning Man. They can't catch the murders or the arsonists or the robbers out there on the loose but they spend their time and effort and our money bustin' Bob Marley wannabes for weed. Way to protect and serve.

Well…it’s Labor Day weekend and y’all know what that means. No, we’re not talkin’ ‘bout a three day weekend. Heck, we live in the 775. Most of the folks up here got jobs that don’t give a schizzle what day it is. No, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Jerry Lewis labor Day MDA Telethon.

FULL DISCLOSURE: This year’ll be the 12^th Telethon we’ve been involved with.

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…The “greatest country on earth” can spend ten BILLION dollars a month blowin’ up brown-skinded innocent folk. Yet, to cure this heinous disease that affects millions of Americans, the good ole USoA relies on France’s favorite comedian to raise money. That just doesn’t seem right.

(8.-0)

clASS Warfare

Is the Nevada’s criminal justice system fair to the little guys? Does Nevada’s criminal justice system give preferential treatment to “big fish?” Check it…


Two blue-haired card dealers were arrested over the weekend. One was busted for placing a losing bet he had a stake in as a tip on a winning hand. Total cost of the theft? Nine dollars. The other dealer was accused of adding chips to his rack during a poker tournament. Total loss? ‘Bout twenty bucks. If convicted, the two face one to eight years in the calaboose. Pretty stiff time for $28.


Then there’s Jason McLean. This rat-bastard was convicted of embezzling almost $10,000 from a dead woman’s trust. He was accused of stealing more than $16,000 from a total of three trusts. McLean copped a plea and got…wait for it…wait for it….he got 120 days and PROBATION! So, who is Jason McLean? He’s the former public administrator of Lyon County. That’s right, a public servant, a politician, a big fish from a small pond.


So, the crux of today’s biscuit is simple. If you’re in the 775 and Reno-911 rolls up, you’d better hope you’ve got some juice pachuco. If not, be prepared to spend some time in little Gitmo.

(8.-)

Expensive Hummer

HilBill vol.2’s speech at the DNC last night was a real corker. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again…if it weren’t for the ‘Bamer she’d be packin’ back up to Pennsylvania Avenue as we speak.



Our favorite moment was her big entrance. Did you see the look on Slick Willie’s face? He was bawlin’ like he’d just won the Miss America Pageant and mouthing the words “I love you” over and over. It was kinda creepy but funny as hell ‘cause the first words outta Hil’s pie hole were, “I am honored to be here tonight…a proud mother, a proud Democrat, a proud American and a proud supporter of Barack Obama.” SNAP! Oh no she didn’t! Yes, she did! Not one mention of being a proud wife. Whadda ya think of that Slick Willie? That’s what you get for bangin’ yer butt-ugly intern. Still think that skank was worth it?


Y’all probably didn’t catch the worst moment of the speech. ‘Bout half way through she made a reference to her supporters saying “You never gave in, you never gave up.” C’mon Hil, that’s WAY too close to “Never give up, never surrender.” You pulled that line right off of Commander Peter Quincy Taggert. Tailgunner Joe’s the one s’posin’ to be the plagiarist, not you.

(8.-)

Support Our trOOPS!!!

KO mentions it on a daily basis – the thought that “Support our troops” is a slogan rather than something politicians actually do. That’s an example of why we here at PTB make no secret of our disdain for politicians. But a story in the RGJ the other day really had us wondering WTF everybody’s thinking.


According to a recent poll, the economy, not Iraq, is the issue that most concerns Nevadans in the upcoming election. If that’s the case, we’ve got some mixed up fuckin’ priorities. Check it…


American troops have been intentionally put in harm’s way. As long as one soldier is at unnecessary risk, that should be our top priority. WTF are we thinking when we put our own monetary self-interests in front of those who are sacrificing so much?


Remember, we’re fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, not with the Army, with the mother fuckin’ NATIONAL GUARD!!! What the hell ever happened to “One weekend a month and two weekends a year?” Some of those brothers and sisters have been in the Suck three and four and more times. Doin what? Playin’ strip mall security guards to a bunch of pissed off locals…that’s what occupation forces do.


Here are a couple of questions you should be asking yourself…If freedom isn’t free, how the hell are you payin’ for it? Soldiers and their families are paying for it with their lives...

and...are you better off now than you were eight years ago? If you are, you must work for Halliburton. If not, you could ask a couple of soldiers. But you know what they’d say.

(8.-(

Signs of the Times

There are two definite drawbacks to blogging and living in our 'rent’s basement.


The first is, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to get laid. Think about it. When most women find out where we live, they take off faster than Usain Bolt. Besides, a woman who’d wanna do the horizontal mambo in our parent’s basement probably isn’t the type of girl we’d wanna get down with in the first place. That’s a tough thing to say considering we have pretty low standards.


The second and worst drawback is the money, or lack thereof. Do you know how much scratch the average blogger makes? Bupkis. Here at PTB we’ve long known we’d spend our lives at the bottom of the economic ladder. We’ve even got a saying, “If it’s free it’s for PTB. If it costs money, later honey.” And that’s what has our Underoos in a bunch today.


We all know that Senator McSame is so rich he doesn’t even know how many houses he has. The ‘Bamer? He made four million dollars last year. That’s not chicken feed. So why is it that both candidates now charge money for yard signs? SHEESH! You’d think the brothers would be able to part with a couple of pieces of cardboard, gratis. After all, the 775 is where the next president will be decided. Nope.


We always thought politicians took your money AFTER they got elected. Not anymore. So now we have to fall back to plan “B.” We’re gonna go swipe a sign from some bourgie motherhubbard’s yard. They can afford it. We can’t.


(8.-)

Why Some People Hate the Criminal Justice System

This friggin’ reeks…


A couple of months ago, Casey Anthony was asked by authorities where her baby was. Ms. Anthony said that her daughter had been with a babysitter for the last THIRTY DAYS but she didn’t know where the baby or the babysitter was located.


Mom gets sent to jail and refuses to cooperate with investigators. Police chase down leads but no baby found. Seems Ms. Anthony’s story was thin as heroin chic. Her assertions unraveled quicker than angora on a nail.


Yesterday, after being held in jail for almost two months, still no baby, still no cooperation…Casey Anthony got out on bail. WTF is up with THAT?


Here’s our take: If Casey Anthony had brown skin, if Casey Anthony wasn’t as cute as she is, if Casey Anthony was the father…she’d still be rotting in the Gray Bar Motel. Instead, she’s free as a bird. Baby is still missing…momma gets out of jail.


Greatest country in the world? Hardly.


(8.-)

Why Some People Hate Cops

This kind of thing would NEVER happen in the 775. Makes you glad you don't live in the Lone Star State. One question...how fast would YOU drive to get your dying dog to the emergency vet?

August Surprise

We get the feelin’ ‘round here that the worm is starting to turn. Check it out…


Today Rice-A-Condi and Iraqi officials started to discuss a timeline for U.S. Troop withdrawls. YAY!


Gas and oil prices are dropping faster than the anchor of the Titanic. Woo-Hoo!


Housing prices are rising and home foreclosures are falling. Yee-HAW!


Hmmm…October surprises aren’t supposed to happen this far away from an election so we got to thinkin’.


Russia invades Georgia and all of a sudden the Cold War heats back up quicker than old pizza in a microwave. Boogity Boogity!


Not once in the last week has Senator McSkeevy mentioned Afghanistan or Iraq. Uh oh.


The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…How come things are getting good right before the election? How come Russia decided to be a bad guy allegedly right before the election? We’re not conspiracy theorists here at PTB but we wouldn’t put anything past the Neocon Bush-Wipes. Fasten your seatbelts folks…this could be a bumpy ride.


(8.-)

Fair-y Tales

Here at PTB, we’re always lookin’ for a cheap date. C’mon…living in Mom & Dad’s basement and blogging isn’t the quickest way to fame and fortune. But this week we got lucky.

The 134th Nevada State Fair opens its doors tonight. It’s a five day orgy of funnel cakes, demolition derby, vomit rides and the smell of large hairy animals…and today it’s FREE!

Now, we know what yer all sayin’, “State fairs are for old people, carnies and farmers.” You couldn’t be more wrong. The Nevada State fair is a perfect place to take a date…especially if you’re in the financial toilet like we are. Check it…

Every year the NSF has cooking contests. Salsa, spaghetti sauce, cake, pie and cookie recipes are all vying for the blue ribbon. So, whadda you think they do with the stuff after the judges take their bites? They let the crowd come up and sample the stuff. That’s right…free food.

Here’s what we do. We bring our dates to the cooking contest and drop lines like, “The frosting compliments this cake’s texture.” Or, “The cilantro in this salsa is a tad over-used.” By the time we get finished, the girls think we’re the brother from Hell’s Kitchen. They’re totally impressed and all for zero cash. He shoots, he SCORES!

So, grab your euphemism and head on out to the Nevada State fair this week. It sure beats those fancy French restaurants. The Frogs never could find a way to put a Ferris wheel into a dining room.

(8.-)

Christian Heal Thyself

E-van-gel-ism n. “Militant zeal for a cause.”

One of the biggest problems facing the world today is the thought among some people that their God is the one and only. Any other belief is blasphemy. Hell and damnation, fire and brimstone are sure to bring down the non-believer. Either that, or a strap-on vest or IED. ANYWAY…

Longtime readers know that here at PTB we don’t buy into any of that superstitious mumbo jumbo. We’re pretty sure that the Invisible Man in the Sky doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything we do any more than he cares about who wins an Olympic gold medal, an Oscar or the Super Bowl. But according to a new survey, most Americans believe that God can heal a patient even though the sawbones has thrown in the towel. Uh oh, here we go again.

Imagine you have a toothache. OUCH. What’s the first thing you do? Call your dentist? Good idea. Reach for a bottle of Advil? Nice choice. Hit the sauce? It’s the poor man’s Advil. Ramble down to the drugstore and get a tube of Orajel? Couldn’t hurt. What we’re trying to say is, the first thing on your mind isn’t, “Please God, heal my toothache.” Why? ‘Cause that kind of voodoo won’t heal your abscessed molar and all but the most fervent believer knows that.

Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that JZeus can heal a mortals wound. WTF gives you the right to get fixed? Don’t you think God is a little busy with the poor motherhubbards in Darfur? Ever seen the people in the slums of Rio? Do you know what an Untouchable from India goes through? Probably not, if you’re asking Yahweh to fix your toofus while the rest of the world suffers unimaginable horrors.

No, if you’re checkin’ out and askin’ the Big Guy for help…you’re grasping at straws. Besides, if you’re gonna meet your Maker, wouldn’t it kinda cheese Him off if you’d rather do it later rather than sooner?

(8.-)

Internet Killed the Video Star

FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



NBC’s coverage of this year’s Olympics has been piss-poor, to put it kindly. C’mon, synchronized diving? That sport would be a LOT better crossed with skeet shooting. You gotta hit both divers before they hit the water. We’d surely watch THAT.



But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple: We get hours and hours of gymnastics, swimming, beach volleyball and yes, synchronized diving but it’s often tape-delayed and it’s never the sports we want to watch when we wanna watch ‘em. NBC.com to the rescue! We logged on the other night, checked the pull down menu and started watching stuff right away.



Now, y’all might be sayin’, “But we love watching synchronized diving.” Fair enough. But you wanna know the coolest thing about watching the Olympics on the net? No announcers, no commercials and no schedules. YEE HAW!!!



We watched hours of fencing, badminton, table tennis and horse jumping…live. And when nothing was going on live, we picked our own tape-delayed games to watch. No fluff pieces about Michael Phelps’ dog, no insipid Bob Costas-isms and no more commercials for Home Depot. It was like being in heaven. Or at the very least, like bein’ in some rocket-hottie’s bedroom, getting’ down to some canoodling.



Yup…television is on its way out and soon the net will be God. That’ll be bad for bank accounts here at PTB but it’ll be a great time watching the London Olympics in 2012. We can’t wait.

(8.-)

The Week That Was

It’s been a wild first week at the Beijing Olympics. We’re not complaining, mind you. As a matter of fact we love this stuff. For the end of the week, we haiku some of our favorites…



The air quality
Isn’t as bad as it looks
Beijing has brown skies




Minor sports ignored
Major sports shoved down our holes
Ping pong? No. Hoops? Yes.




Michael Phelps swims fast
Chinese gymnasts look too young.
Redeem Team redeemed?



All sports on the net
No more need for Bob Costas
TV is soon dead


(8.-)

Juicy Juiced

“Leadership is oftentimes doing what is not easy…”


That’s the line spewed from the piehole of cheating boxer Joey Gilbert. Nice try Joe but we aren’t buying it. Earlier this week the Nevada Athletic Commission dismissed charges of Gilbert being on amphetamines, oxazepam, diazepam, nordizepam and methamphetamine after a bout last year. YIKES! That sounds like the same ingredients in our old chemistry set.


“But the commission dropped the charges,” you say. Yup. THOSE charges. The one that wasn’t dropped was the charge that he was on steroids. No argument there. You see, at the beginning of Gilbert’s hearing, he (and his lawyer) proposed a settlement in which all but the steroid charge would be dropped. That’s right. Gilbert wanted to settle and he was gonna cop to ‘roidin’ to get it. No such luck. The NAC gave Gilbert a one year suspension (with time served) fined him 10k and still hold the ‘roid charge against him.


Here’s the crux of this biscuit. Just because Gilbert says he “feels vindicated” doesn’t make it true. It’s like the old line from Joseph Goebbels that says: “If you say a lie over and over, pretty soon it becomes the truth.” The Bush-Wipe administration has been doing that to us for almost eight years.


No Joe…you got busted for ‘roidin’ plain and simple. You’re a cheater. You’ll now go down in history with the likes of Roger Clemens, Floyd Landis and 90% of the riders in the Tour De France, any former East German female Olympic athlete, the Chinese women’s gymnastic team former senator John Edwards and skeevy BillC.

No, you didn’t show leadership Joey…you took the easy way out...you cheated.

(8.-)