Getting Dicked

Woa…who knew Kreskin was kinfolk to Dick Cheney? Yesterday Dr. Evil crawled out of his hermetically sealed cave and declared that there’s a “high probability” that terrorists will attempt a catastrophic nuclear or biological attack in coming years, and said he fears the “Obama administration’s policies will make it more likely the attempt will succeed.”


Well, it wasn’t nuclear or biological but the first terrorist attack on American soil during the Obama administration happened today. Some wacked-out BSC motherhubbards blew the bejeezus out of a doctor in Arkansas. Funny thing is, when we looked at the video of the scene, we couldn’t see one person from Homeland Security. Guess they had other things to do.



The sad part is…the Republicans seem to be enjoying all this. The tighty-righties are out of power and they’re damned sure to remind us that, when the bad stuff happens, it’s Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid’s fault. And all the bad things that are GONNA happen are because Republicans weren’t there to protect us. They keep flapping their lie-holes about keeping America safe but unless THEY’RE the ones keeping us safe, they could care less.




(8.-)

Money Talks

A couple of weeks ago SK Baseball rolled up to the Reno City Council, hat in hand, beggin’ for money like Oliver Twist beggin’ for more gruel. Because of spiraling construction costs and the sinking economy, SK figured they needed MILLIONS of dollars of taxpayer money to move their stadium project forward. Yesterday, SK Baseball announced that it has bought the Reno Bighorns of the NBA D-League. The purchase price is rumored to be in the MILLIONS of dollars.


There are several words that come to mind after writing that previous paragraph. Boondoggle…swindle…bailout. Actually, the first thing that came to mind was WTF?!? The city is cutting services and salaries and jobs like a butcher cutting through a ham hock. Meanwhile, they’re actually considering giving SK Baseball millions of dollars. This just goes to show you how out of touch local politicians really are. If the Reno City Council gives even one more taxpayer dollar to SK Baseball, they should all be run out of town on a rail. We’re gonna bet the train will be full sooner rather than later.


(8.-)

Deja Vu All Over Again and Again

Ah, Groundhog Day…the time of year when Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Agnostics and Atheists from all over the USo’A join together, throw their Deities under the bus and, for one day, believe that the all-knowing, all-seeing Almighty is a steroid-induced marmot.


Well, today the folks up in the PA, pulled the little rat-bastard out of his hole and exclaimed to the world that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and that winter would continue for another six weeks. Nice call Phil. Have you seen the last couple of weeks here in the 775? It’s been absolutely spring-like. Hell, we haven’t even STARTED winter yet. But divining the future on the sun-blocking ability of a rabid chipmunk got us to thinking…maybe we could predict some future events…



Michael Phelps, the greatest American Olympic athlete of all time, turns out to be a Rastafarian. Aye Caramba! Still think marijuana is the “evil drug?” Ask Mikey…or ask the doctors that did this study…or, like we’ve said before, open your bible to Genesis 1:29, read, repeat. Our prediction: Phelps will lose endorsement money from people like Disney and WalMart but get huge endorsement bucks from Doritos, Hostess Twinkies and Red Bull.



Today is the first day of the 2009 Nevada Legislature. Our prediction is that politicians will try to save as many programs as possible while not raising taxes. It never occurs to those bobbleheads that they have to pay for stuff with SOMETHING. They just never get around to figuring out how.



A new study out has dire news for the 775. It says the drought in the area makes the Silver State a natural disaster area. Our prediction: County Commissioners and City Council members will see this as a good sign and promptly rubber-stamp several sprawling developments and a couple of mega-casinos. After all, if you think the 775 is in a drought, you must be a tree-huggin’, Birkenstock wearin’, tie-dyed, Al Gore-lovin’ hippie. Wow…that sounds a lot like Michael Phelps.



And finally…yesterday we were all treated to a great Super Bowl, that is, unless you’re an Arizona Cardinals fan. The thing that stuck out the most, though, was the halftime show. YIKES! Aside from the ear worm he stuck us with, nothing is scarier than Bruce Springsteen doing a power slide right into the camera. Yo Boss…if no one wanted to see Janet Jackson’s niblets a few years ago…no one wants to see the ingredients of your codpiece today. And a quick note to the NFL. Hey guys, can you please quit with the geriatric, antique, octogenarian rockers? The 1970’s are OVER. If we wanted to see some old geezer strutting around like a peacock with a sugar buzz…we’d just give grandpa one of Michael Phelps’ blunts. Yup, that’d do it.



(8.-)

Super Happy Fun Fun

Well…it’s Super Bowl weekend and you know what that means…the best commercials of the year!



FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



The best part about this year’s game is the fact that, for the first time, soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan (thanks a lot Chimp-Dick) will be able to drink beer during the big game. Ya see, soldiers are bound by the rules of the country they’re fighting in…and as in the case of Muslim countries, alcohol (and every other type of fun) is “verboten.” Not this weekend. Folks in the war zones will be allowed two (2) 12oz. beers each. Now, most people SPILL that much beer during the Super Bowl but you take what you can get. As always, we’d much rather get our brave young men and women home. ‘Til that happens, enjoy your brewskis. We miss you.



(8.-)

Around the Horn

A couple of things about the 775 we noticed today…


If you cross the roadside fog line in Elko County…you WILL go to jail.



If you oppose something on religious grounds, your religion had better be Christianity. If not…you’re screwed.



The Government-Cheese wants to collect tax money by monitoring your car as you drive. The program will start with 100 volunteers. Just like water meters…voluntary today…mandatory tomorrow. Big Brother has arrived.



Nevadan’s oppose GJG’s budget cuts. They also oppose higher taxes. Question: What the hell is the state gonna use for money? Casino chips?



Attorneys for BSC Michael Biela want three separate trials for their client instead of lumping the trio of crimes all into one. Do you think those ambulance chasers care about justice or are they just running up the tab? We think the latter.



According to a local expert, the big banks have no intention of giving their bailout money to small businesses. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again…trickle down economics never has and never will work. Rich people don’t get rich because they give away their money, they get rich by hoarding it. Our solution? Trickle UP economics. When you give money to the little guys, they pay off their bills and buy things like cars and houses and electronics. That would be good for the economy but bad for the big banks. That’s why it’ll never get done.



And from the other side of the world. If your religion prohibits you from doing yoga or listening to music or watching movies or wearing certain types of clothes…you either need a different religion or you need to tell JZeus’ Dad to kiss your John Brown hind pot.



(8.-)

BasKidBall

Y’all remember being in the seventh grade? It wasn’t that long ago for us here at PTB…we remember it like it was yesterday. After all, seventh grade was three of the best years we ever had. But that’s a crux of a different biscuit…


Seventh grade was the time in our life when girls stopped having cooties, our music tastes changed from kiddy pop to rock & roll and we started counting the days ‘til we were gonna get our driver’s license (1,460). Ah, the joys of youth. Now, the NCAA wants to really screw things up.



Famous for giving birth to the BCS, the “student”-athlete and Dick Vitale, the NCAA has squirted one out of their pooty hole that surprised even us. Last week the NCAA voted to allow college basketball coaches to recruit kids as early as seventh grade. Aye Caramba! All through high school, jocks got preferential treatment from teachers, administrators and, of course, the PoPo. Now, this ruling bestows BMOC status on kids who are barely out of their Underoos. WTF would a seventh grader know about which college to go to? Nothing.



This is just another example of how the culture of the athletic circle jerk is ruining the USo’A. Don’t believe us? Most people couldn’t name you one single Supreme Court Justice, the capital of Djibouti or even the biggest planet in the solar system…but almost everyone knows who won the last Super Bowl, or who Michael Jordan is, or that every baseball player in the 1990’s was juicin’. That’s our biggest problem…we put all our time, money and effort into kids playing sports that we ignore the fact that they need to learn readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic. What’s worse, is that if you’re a jock-strap, you’ve got little chance of playing beyond high school and an infinitesimal chance of playing beyond college. Meanwhile, the future doctors, lawyers and scientists of America are getting their funding cut and their needs ignored. This is the kind of crap that’s gonna bite us all in the ass one day. Luckily, most of us will be sitting on ours…watching sports on T.V.



(8.-)

From the Bottom of the Mind Shaft

In the RGJ the other day, an LTE from Betty Cummings asked the question “Where is all the press coverage on the disappearance of 14-year-old Shermela Washington?” Good question. We’ve got some bad news for ya Betty…unless you’re a pretty, young Caucasian female, you’ve got no chance at pub here in the 775. After all, this is Cracker Town. Sad but true.



A recent study found that frequent masturbation by twenty-somethings increases their risk of prostate cancer. This is the kind of thing that gives science a bad name. If this study is true, then 95% of American teenaged males will develop prostate cancer within the next three weeks.



Here’s an example of why religious zealots make us wanna hurl: The Reverend Ted Haggard is back in the news. You remember Reverend Teddy Bear…last year he confessed to "sexual immorality" and resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of New Life Church. Now Ted-In-Bed says the relationship he had with the male church member was “inappropriate but not physical.” What, gay sex is O.K. as long as you’re not touching? The crux of this biscuit is simple…we don’t think there’s anything wrong with sex between two consenting adults – gay or straight. The turds in the punch bowl are people like Ted Haggard who spew vile rhetoric about the “evils of homosexuality” while at the very same time, they’re grabbing their ankles, lubing up their pooty holes and sexing it up like they were the Village People. Hey Ted, you’re a hypocrite…and if we know it, surely your God does too!



Finally…last week a 14-year-old kid in Chicago fooled the cops into thinking he was an actual police officer. The kid had a uniform on and even went on patrol for a couple of hours. Aye Caramba! WTF were the Chi-Town fuzz thinkin’? Their excuse? “He looks a lot older than fourteen.” Think about it…if a prepubescent, snot-nosed kid can fool the cops into thinking he was one of the boys in blue…whadda ya think the REALLY bad guys are gonna be able to get away with? People of the Windy City…run for your lives…while you still can.

(8.-)

Random Acts of WTF's

We’ve got a state bird, a state fossil and a state flower…now fourth graders from around the NV are gonna get the chance to pick the state insect. Well, we’re gonna save the little shavers time and gray matter. Nevada’s state insect should be the Mormon Cricket. When the MC’s hatch, the ugly rat-bastards are everywhere. Any other insect just wouldn’t do us justice.





Governor Jim Gibbons cut academic funding for higher education by fifty percent while college athletics got a three percent raise. Someone tell GJG that we want him to take a pee test. Seriously, WTF is he smoking? In the last three years the football team is 21-18 overall, 0-3 in bowl games, 0-3 against Boise St., 0-3 against Hawaii, 1-2 against Fresno St. and 1-5 against BCS teams. Two years ago, the basketball team lost in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to friggin’ MONTANA. Last year, the Pack didn’t make the NCAA, the NIT or any other post-season tournament. The baseball team hasn’t sniffed the post-season in a long time and no other sport on campus even gets a blip of publicity. Those are statistics for giving MORE money to athletics? Those should be the statistics that have Athletic Director Cary Groth working at the drive-thru.





And finally…State Senator Bob Coffin has suggested we look into legalizing prostitution throughout the Silver State. Longtime readers of PTB know we’ve been calling for legalizing ‘tutes since the beginning. If an 18-year-old male can sell his body to the NBA or MLB or the NFL…why shouldn’t an 18-year-old female be able to sell her body to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch's Vegas facility? And don’t start with all that biblical, moral majority, holier-than-thou bullshit. There were enough whores in the bible to float a battleship. Didn’t seem to matter much back then…why should it matter now?




BTW…State Senator Bob Coffin has one of the coolest names in the Nevada State Legislature. He probably gets a lot of shit around Halloween though. Yay, Senator Bob!



(8.-)

Mighty Morphin' Power Dudes

We LOVE it when peoples give us a heads up on something cool. Thank you Carrie Chaney...we almost forgot how cool that old Michael Jackson video was.


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Phoning it In

It seemed to us like George W. Bush was president forever. While it might have felt like an eternity, the numbers don't lie. Out of the 2,920 days the Chimp-Dick was in office, he spent...wait for it...wait for it...1,020 days on vacation, breaking the old mark sent by Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan. That's one third of his entire time as pResident on VACATION! Talk about fiddlin' while Rome burns...We haiku our thoughts.

He's out in Texas

while the country goes to hell.

He'll be down there soon.

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Thought Burbles

Luther Mack has always been one of our favorite people. After all, he’s one of the few brown-skinded brothers who own businesses here in Cracker City. So when we heard that Mack and Associates is gonna sell their 11 McDonalds here in the 775, it was like finding a turd in the punch bowl. Total. Bummer. Godspeed Luther. Don't let the rednecks get you down!



The Government-Cheese over in Virginia City is worried about a proposed wind farm. In typical NIMBY fashion, Storey County Planning Commissioners said that the turbines would detract from V.C.’s charm and historic nature. Funny, this is the same place that brings tourists in with its world famous outhouse races. Hmmm…they race toilets down main street but they think a wind farm might be inappropriate. NIMBY indeed.



Much ado is being made of the swearing in ceremony at yesterday’s inauguration. Seems Chief Justice Roberts couldn’t quite remember the words. What struck home for us though was the last three words uttered by J-Rob and the ‘Bamer…”so help me God.” We looked up the oath in a little thing we like to call “THE United States Constitution” and the words “so help me God” are nowhere to be found. They just tacked that shit on to the end. You know…if JZeus’ Dad gave a rat’s ass about the USo’A, he would have done something about the smarmy chimp-dick that was in power for the last eight years. Alas, His silence was deafening.



The Taliban shows us again why the world thinks they’re BSC. Militants in western Pakistan are warning bus drivers to not play music or videos for passengers ‘cause it spreads “vulgarity and obscenity.” To paraphrase Xander Cage, “C’mon Dicks, it’s only music.” Actually, if the music was Britney Spears or the movies starred Madonna or Ben Affleck, we could see their point.



And finally today…up at THE University of Nevada, the school paper ran an editorial demanding the impeachment of Governor Jim Gibbons. Hey, we thought that was our job! Kudos to the staffers at the Sagebrush for separating the taint from the balls but take our words of wisdom…you’ve got to take a powerful piss to piss off powerful people so watch out where you’re sprayin’.




(8.-)

Oh Happy Day

Free at last… Free at last…Great googly moogly… Free at last!



Man…we never thought we’d see this day. Finally, a brown-skinded brother as president of the United States. YEEHAW! Guess they’re gonna have to change the name of the White House, neh?



Just a couple of quick thought burbles from today’s Inauguration…



During the ‘Bamer’s speech, every time he mentioned the brightness of our future or the tough job ahead of all of us or how America is ready to lead the world again, the T.V. cameras got a shot of WPE and he looked like the before shots in a hemorrhoid commercial. Priceless! Hey, chimp-dick…we sure hope it’s the last we see of your sorry ass. If you ever set foot in the 775, we’re gonna get a big‘un to break his foot off in your John Brown hind-pot. That’s a promise.



Finally…WTF is the deal with having the inauguration on a Tuesday? Did the former Prime Minister of Australia have all the ballrooms booked over the weekend? SHEESH! Have you ever tried to get an inauguration booty call on a Tuesday? Impossible. Actually, now that pResident GWB is His-To-Ry…nothing seems impossible. See you tonight at the ball.



(8.-)

I Have A Dream

All men are created equal...


Unless you're a woman...


or Spanish is your first language...


or you're attracted to men...


Other than that...you're O.K.




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Hall of Lame

This year...just like every year since they became eligible...Rush has been passed over for induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. WTF are the judges thinking? The nominees this year, in alphabetical order were: Jeff Beck, Chic, Wanda Jackson, Little Anthony & the Imperials, Metallica, Run D.M.C, the Stooges, War and Bobby Womack. We can understand Little Anthony and the Mighty Met. War? Well...we're a little biased. We did a rendition of Why Can't We Be Friends with 'em at Harrah's back in the day. But Run D.M.C.? SHEESH! They're not rockers, they're RAPPERS! Chic? Puh-Leeze...they're a fuckin' DISCO band! AYE CARAMBA! Here at PTB we look at it this way: Until Rush is inducted, it's nothing more than the Hall of Lame.


(8.-)

A Million to One

Times are tough here in the 775. Few people are eating out at restaurants, fewer people are gambling and everyone seems to be pinching pennies. Everyone, that is, except the New York Yankees. So when SK Baseball rolls up to the Reno City Council and asks for millions more in tax dollars we just wanna fusticate something.



SK Baseball wants to build three restaurants and three nightclubs in the city’s new entertainment district which also happens to contain their new baseball stadium. Problem is, they don’t have the money and they want us to give it to ‘em.



Question: If you owned a restaurant or a nightclub in the area, would you want to spend your money financing the very competition that’ll soon drive you out of business? Probably not.



Problem is, Mayor Bob Cashell and the rest of the bobbleheads on the Council are more likely than not to rubberstamp the idea. Why? Because helping developers crap all over the area with their strip malls and entertainment districts is what they do. Help the little guy? Not a chance. Give millions of dollars to bourgie rich motherhubbards? Well, that’s how politicians get reelected.



Here’s one solution for SK Baseball: The New York Yankees are paying just four players a combined $800 million. That’s more money than a lot of countries make. Major league baseball is rolling in dough. Why don’t y’all go ask used car salesman Bud Selig to fork you some scratch? Any politician willing to give that kind of money to a developer should have his or her career take a dirt nap.

(8.-)

One More for the Money

Take this as the crux of an obvious biscuit...


If you lose your house to foreclosure, it is NOT a good idea to take the rest of your money and bet it on a college football game…no matter who is playing or what the spread is…do NOT bet the rest of your money on a college football game! Nothing...repeat...NOTHING good can happen when you do that.



Don't blame it on the...
Alcohol, drugs, genes, Satan.
This one's all on you.


Funny thing is…if the BSC motherhubbard had put his betting money into paying off his mortgage…maybe he’d still have his house. As it is…all he’s got now is a cellmate named Guido, a dead man on his conscience and a future fetching dropped bars of soap.





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Monday Mourning

Bourgie, white, rich, BSC Bernie Madoff steals billions of dollars from investors and gets to stay out of the hoosegow on bail. Poor brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped with a doobie and he gets ten years hard time. Those are some fucked up priorities.





Landmark day today…Chimp-Dick gave his final news conference. HUZZAH! Only eight more days ‘til the WPE rides off into the sunset. We were kinda hopin’ he’d ride off a cliff but we’ll take him gone any way we can. Too bad the shit-storm he’s gotten us into is gonna be around for a century or so. SHEESH!





In a survey of a random sample of U.S. emergency physicians, virtually all said they believed that law enforcement officers use excessive force to arrest and detain suspects. Thanks Captain Obvious. A couple of weeks ago BART cops popped a cap in a brother while he was handcuffed and on the ground. A couple of months ago, airport security in Phoenix detained a woman who later died in custody. In Texas, the son of former MLB’er Bobby Tolan was shot in the chest as he was laying face down in his driveway. Those are just a few incidents that we can think of off the top of our heads. A bit of research would uncover lots more. It seems that since 9/11 cops have been of the mindset that their shit doesn’t stink. They act like someone is guilty ‘til proven innocent and consider themselves the judge, jury and executioner of a suspect. Think not? Go up to the next cop you see and flip him/her the bird…that’s the last thing you’ll do as a non-incarcerated person. America the Free? Hardly.




(8.-)

Our Weekend Plans

Sport Stacking. Yeah, it's cool but tonight, we're gonna get together with the guys and do it under the influence...typical of the 775.



Sure hope Mom & Dad don't find out about us using their collection of antique beer steins.





(8.-)

Number One With A Shot and a Chaser

Yee Haw!!! A new report out says that the 775 leads the entire USo’A in heavy drinking. WE’RE NUMBER ONE BAYBEE!!!! Actually, we have a problem with this study. The Center for disease control classifies a heavy drinker as a man who has more than two alcoholic drinks a day…for women, it's more than one per day. WTF kind of Puritanical rat-bastard came up with those numbers? SHEESH! Every hotel, casino, strip club, dance club, liquor store, grocery store and preschool in the 775 offers two for one drink specials. Two drinks? Heck-fire…beer goggles don’t even kick in ‘til the sixth drink!



The problem with studies like this is that they lump everyone into the same category. More than two drinks a day and they consider you an alcoholic. Don’t drink at all and they call you a saint...but not Saint Patrick. Here’s the crux of the biscuit: If you’re a moronic douchebag, it’s not the alcohol doing it…it’s you. Americans tend to play a lot of the blame game. They think their troubles are all caused by something other than themselves. Listen folks…it’s not the alcohol screwing up your life…you’re doing it yourself. Don’t let the Puritans convince you otherwise.




(8.-)

What's the Frequency Kenneth?

FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you turn on your television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



For the last couple of days, RGJ/KTVN weather-dude Mike Alger has been lamenting the loss of the region’s NEXRAD radar site. Y'all know NEXRAD...it's the 21st century version of grandma's arthritic knee. Seems the little buggar was made out of toilet paper, scotch tape and bobby pins…NEXRAD…not Mike Alger or grandma. ANYWAY…


Alger tells us that the National Weather Service is getting together parts and pieces and probably won’t have NEXRAD fixed for “several weeks.” Here is the crux of today’s biscuit…


At the little T.V. station we work at, there’s an engineering department consisting of three guys whose only tools are a ball peen hammer, several rolls of duct tape and a couple of different lengths of bailing wire. When our signal goes off the air, the phone lights up like downtown Reno and people raise holy hell. “My T.V. went dark and I’m missing my stories,” shout the blue hairs. “My T.V. won’t work and I was right in the middle of watching American Idol,” say the young’uns. So our engineering boys hustle up the mountain to our transmitter and fix it with the instruments at their disposal…usually within a couple of minutes.


Question is…if the “Little Engineering Department That Could” can fix a multi-million dollar transmitter using a hair dryer, dental floss and Jello…why can’t the National Weather Service fix our NEXRAD in a timely fashion? Your guess is as good as ours but we figure that the only thing the Government-Cheese does quickly is bail out fat-cat Wall Street banker-types. The little guys? Yer on your own. Good thing we have plenty of duct tape!



(8.-)

Pussycat Moan

Like most folks livin’ in the USo’A, those of us here in the 775 have been taking an economic dildo right in the pootie hole. People losing their houses, their jobs, their savings…just thinking about it makes us wanna hurl. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.

Now, more than ever, the citizens of Nevada need effective government, dynamic leadership and a vision for the future. What do we get instead? Governor Jim Gibbons and Lt. Governor Brian Krolicki arguing like a couple of schoolgirls. Neither of ‘em seem to mind that the state’s business is getting pancaked. It looks to us like they’re both wagging the dog.

Every column inch of newsprint, every second of talk radio and every minute of television news devoted to this brouhaha takes the attention away from how crappy these two have been in their respective jobs.

GJG crapped out even before he took office playin’ grab-ass with a woman who wasn’t his wife. Way to lead by example douchebag. Throughout his entire tenure it seems the Gov has been thinking with his little head instead of his big head.

BK on the other hand, is under indictment for his handling of the state’s finances. SHEESH! You’ve gotta really mess things up to be friggin’ indicted. No worries though, the Lt. Governorship was just another small stepping stone to a bigger and better political future. Key word there? “Was.”

Look guys, your shenanigans are embarrassing the whole state. Why don’t you do us all a favor and resign? Let us get people in there who’ll do the job. If y’all still wanna fight…may we suggest a no-holds-barred mud wrestling death match...put that on PPV and we could get the whole state out of debt. We’d sure pay to watch that.

(8.-)

Here We Go Again

2008 sucked.

What’s in store for the next year?

Pray hard for ’09.

(8.-)

Think About Your Troubles

We're sayin' sayonara to 2008 with one thought on our minds...no matter how bad y'all think things are...it could always be worse.


(8.-)

Hard Sell

Intent on winning the “War Against Global Extremism,” defeating the Taliban and finding OBL the USo’A has been quite busy lately over in Afghanistan. Like we said before, it’s a no-win situation. But the government-cheese doesn’t listen to us here at PTB so they’ve whipped out a new weapon…Viagra.




Apparently, the CIA has been using the little blue pill to bribe elder tribesmen out in the backcountry and, according to the Agency, its working. WTF? With all the primo ganja and the top-of-the-line opium in Afghanistan, don’t those poor people have enough trouble with drugs? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…




To get Viagra here in the States, you need a ‘scrip from an M.D…elsewise it’s called possession of a controlled substance. But to win over the hearts and minds of the Afghani people we’re bribing ‘em with a controlled substance. SHEESH! We burn the shit out of their pot farms and trash their poppy fields, tellin’ the folks that drugs are bad then we turn around and give ‘em illegal boner pills. And you wonder why we think this war sucks? This is one more reason in a long, long, long list.




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Just Do It

We cannot emphasize this enough…there is nothing…repeat…nothing better than sex. Maybe that’s our take ‘cause we don’t do it nearly as often as we should -- but that’s the crux of a different biscuit.


The problem here in the United States of Puritanism is that most people think sex is a bad thing. It’s not our fault. The government-cheese and those that speak for JZeus’ Dad continually bombard us with the thought that putting tab "A" into slot "B" or slot "C" or slot "D" is wrong. Both groups tell us when we can and cannot do it, where we can and cannot do it and who we can or cannot do it with. SHEESH! Makes you wonder how the species survives. Well, don’t fret peoples. We’ve got good news for y’all.


A report just out says that folks who take "abstinence pledges" and "virginity pledges" are just as likely to have sex as those of y’all who don’t take a pledge. The first thought up from our mind shaft was "DUH!" That’s like saying politicians running on the platform of government ethics are just as likely to take a bribe as say…Rod Blagojevich. Thanks Captain Obvious.


You see, sex is the great motivator. Why else do you think guys buy fancy cars, get educations and occasionally shower? To impress as many ladies as possible with the intention of getting sex. Don’t believe? Ask any guy. Sex is our highest priority. We think about sex almost all the time. That’s why men had to invent sports. ‘Cause if we didn’t, we’d be thinking about sex all the time.


And women aren’t any different from men. Oh sure…they may play shy and innocent and naive but no fire burns hotter than in the loins of a woman. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes, spend so much time putting on makeup and dreaming of the day that they can get breast implants? So they can get more men to have sex with. It’s an entirely natural thing. Much more natural than thinking an Invisible Man in the Sky gives a crap who you do the horizontal tango with. So go for it folks. Dive in with both feet (if that’s your kinda thing). Have sex. Just don’t let the Government-Cheese catch you putting tab "A" into slot "Z."

(8.-)