Smokin' Hot Rock

Anyone who says women can't rock, just don't understand women...or rock & roll. There's a reason Concrete Blonde is one of David Letterman's favorite bands...and mine too. See y'all on Monday.

(8.-)

Told Ya So

A couple of months ago, The Department of Homeland Security released a report warning about domestic terrorism that could be perpetrated by U.S. soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. The right-wing nut jobs threw a collective hissy fit. “How dare DHS, accuse American soldiers of such things?” said FatBoy. Tinfoil hat model, Glenn Beck, even went so far as to call for the resignation of DHS director Janet Napolitano. “She owes those brave soldiers an apology.” He babbled.

Well guess what? The report was right. The right? As usual, they were wrong.

Nationally, at least 121 Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans have committed a killing in the United States or been charged in one. Vets coming home from multiple tours are suffering from PTSD at staggering rates. Yet we hear nothing from the political hacks and government-cheese dicks who claim they “support our troops.” Yo, John “Able Semen” Ensign…quit playin’ with yer doodle and start payin’ attention!

When a teenager enlists in say, the National Guard, they’re promised one weekend a month and two weeks a year doin’ their Guard stuff. Nowadays, those same soldiers are ordered to multiple deployments in The Suck to situations that are untenable.

You know it…I know it. We’re not gonna win the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. They’re both turnin’ out just like Vietnam. And just like back in the ‘60’s – right-wing, war-mongering, saber rattling politicians keep sending our troops overseas to die and forgetting them the minute they step back on American soil. Every day we’re at “war,” we’re losing blood and treasure and our standing in the eyes of the world. Here’s hoping the next election provides us all a chance to rid ourselves of politicians who have no clue about how to protect the American people…or American soldiers.

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Dear John Love Song

I remember when all the games began.
Remember every little lie
and every last goodbye.
Promises you broke, words you choked on
and I never walked away. Its still a mystery to me

Well I'm so empty
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me.
Well you're so UNCLEAN!
I'm better off without you and YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
DECEIVING!
THE BLEEDING!
IT'S OVER!

Paint the mirrors black (to forget you)
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste.
Roses in a glass dead and wilted.
To you this all was nothing,
everything to you is nothing

Well you're so filthy...
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me.
Well I'm so UGLY!!
You're better off without me and I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
THE BEATINGS!
DISASTER!
IT'S OVER!

As wicked as you are...you're beautiful to me.
You're the darkest burning star, your MY PERFECT DISEASE!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
THE BEATINGS!
IT'S OVER!
DISASTER!

Five Finger Death Punch -- The Bleeding


BTW...you thing Mark "Of the Beast" Sanford or Johnny "Wad" Ensign ever listened to this kinda stuff after they got popped? Nah.

(8.-)

Elemental

Nothing better for a summer weekend than the elements of Earth Wind & Fire. I wonder if Senator John "Able Semen" Ensign ever listened to EWF while he was bangin' his friend's wife and living in JZeus' house? Just asking.


(8.-)

Killing Time

I'm tellin' ya...I know from experience...


Facebook...

Twitter...

and YouTube...


...are black holes for time. They suck you in and the next thing you know, BAM...you've lost twelve hours of your life. So, to save some time and effort for all the peeps out there, we're gonna find a way to combine all three time-consuming websites into one big time-consuming website.


I'm gonna call it YouTwitFace. Yup...that'll do the trick.



(8.-)

Vive La France!

When Chimp-Dick and his ilk were bangin’ their illicit war drums, one of the objects of their scorn was France. Remember “Freedom Fries”? Aye caramba…what in the hell were people thinkin’ when they voted for those chucklenuts? Right-wing nutjobs aside, I love the French. What most people don’t know, is that without the French, we’d all be speaking English right now. That said, my new favorite quote:

“Man will not be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.” – Denis Diderot.

Awesome! But maybe we could amend that to say,

“Man will not be free until the last politician is strangled with the entrails of his sordid hypocrisy.” Yeah…that does the trick. You listenin’ Johnny “Wad” Ensign? You listenin’ Mark “of the Beast” Sanford? Probably not.

(8.-)

Tuesday's Gone

This just in: Michael Jackson is still dead. Problem is, the story just won’t go away. If the mainstream media had covered the Bush administration with this much manpower and gusto, Scooter, Rummy, Brownie, Dr. Evil and the Bush-Wipe would all be in jail right about now. BTW…who the hell is paying for all the cops to be security for the funeral? It’s not like the Governator and the rest of Cali is swimming in dough.

Speakin' of dough...last night, down in the basement we had an epiphany. Chocolate chip cookie air freshener. The great smell of Mom baking, without the mess, the calories or tooth decay. Can someone please make this happen?

And finally…caught a great documentary on NatGeo last night. Hitler’s Stealth Fighter. You heard it right…The Nazis had a flying wing that was stealthy and looked just like the B2 Stealth…and they had it sixty years before the United States did. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: The only reason the Nazis lost WWII is because Hitler was in charge. Knock off that BSC motherhubbard and we’d all be speakin’ German right now. True dat.

(8.-)

Breakup Wakeup

Poor “Air” McNair. Remember back in the day when a woman would break up with you by mailing you a Dear John letter? Aye caramba! Nowadays, when people break up, they’ve gotta cap a couple of nine milli rounds into your dumb ass. Couldn't she at least have broken up with him on her Facebook page? BTW…wasn’t McNair married? Question #1: Was Steve McNair contemplating running for a Republican Senate or Governor’s seat? Question #2: Is there one friggin’ monogamous husband in the whole country? SHEESH! Seems everyone is tappin’ asses not belonging to their significant others. Makes you wonder why people defend marriage so vehemently.



The Taliban in Afghanistan has kidnapped an American soldier. Just what we fuckin’ need. A couple of comments: Why isn’t this front page news? Why isn’t this the lead story for every T.V. and radio newscast in the country? Why haven’t we heard from one politician voicing outrage? And now that the world knows America tortures prisoners, do we have any moral high ground to complain when they torture our brother? No. Hey Chimp-Dick…still glad you suspended habeas corpus, opened Gitmo and H2OBoarded detainees? Right…you WOULD. As for us…we’re gonna actually pray for the kidnapped American brotherhubbard…he’s gonna need it.


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Artsy Fartsy

Well, Artown has started here in the 775 and you know what that means...rednecks from all around will descend on the RNO to gawk at what they think is art -- you know, like cow patty sculptures, mountain goat paintings and cowboy poetry slams. All in all, it's a fun time. So, in honor of Artown, we're gonna give y'all another taste of one of our favorite all-time vids. Enjoy your weekend and don't blow off any appendages with firecrackers!

Miss(ed) Manners

Yesterday, the headline read, “Reaction Mixed to Troop Pullout” regarding U.S. troops leaving urban areas in Iraq. Back here at home there may be mixed reactions but if your butt was in a sling over there in The Suck, your only reaction would be HOORAY!



Saw a commercial today for a new-fangled phone-thingy. Pretty cool lookin’. Had a lot of apps. One question, though: WTF do you need friggin’ Guitar Hero on your phone for? Is it really possible to play Guitar Hero on a phone? Aye caramba!



Speakin’ of phones…there’s a new service out there that’ll answer any question you have if you text it to a certain number. That woulda been pretty cool say…back in the ‘80’s. But this is ought-9. Do you really need to spend .99 cents to get your question answered? Wouldn’t the Google be easier (and cheaper)?



And finally today…Reno City Councilwoman Sharon Zadra, “…asked Reno decision makers to look into a code of conduct for public places in downtown Reno that would monitor profane language and intimidating behavior….enhancing resident's and visitor's experiences while in Reno are the driving forces behind the idea.” You know what the driving force behind this BSC idea is? Sharon Zadra’s empty brainpan. Yo Councilwoman…who’s gonna enforce this law? Is my neighbor gonna rat me out to Reno-911 ‘cause I dropped an “F” Bomb on Virginia Street? Puh-Leeze. It’s this wagging the dog kind of crap that keeps our minds off of the drought, urban sprawl and the overall crappy state of our city. There’s a reason people dislike politicians -- this is one of ‘em.



(8.-)

Trippin'

It’s official. Al Franken is the new junior senator from the great state of Minnesota. That means the US Senate has its first member to have admitted to snortin' coke and dropping acid. HUZZAH! Now, if only Mark "Of The Beast" Sanford and Johnny “Wad” Ensign would fess up to all their indiscretions, we’d be getting somewhere.

Going Away Party

The story said that Iraqis were celebrating wildly in the streets as U.S. military personnel evacuated Baghdad. Remember when the Iraqis were gonna greet us as liberators? Yo Dick Cheney…how’d that work out? The one thing in the story that proves most Americans are dumber than a bag of doorknobs was the line…



"Iraqis (are) hopeful that foreign military occupation is ending six years after the invasion to depose Saddam Hussein.”



Ummm…wasn’t the invasion all about Weapons of Mass Destruction? WTF ever the hell happened to that? Oh yeah…No. Such. Thing. What about bringing democracy to the Iraqi people? Nope. The religious zealots are in charge, women have to wear burqas and regular Iraqi Joes are getting the bejeezus blown out of ‘em in marketplaces around the country. If you ask an Iraqi citizen (like we have) if they are better off now than they were when Saddam Hussein was in charge, they’d say no. Seems the only people who were happy to see us Invade Iraq were Halliburton, KBR, Chimp Dick, Dr. Evil and Rush Limbaugh. Aye caramba!


(8.-)

Mikey Likes It

This is what happens when you give Bollywood your idea. They make it totally cool.

The Thriller's Gone

You know who the two happiest motherhubbards on the planet are today? Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and Governor Mark “Of The Beast” Sanford. Thanks to Jacko takin’ a dirt nap, most Americans don’t even remember who they are or what they did. Don’t worry guys…we’ll remember for all of us.



Turn on any news channel and all you see is MJ this and MJ that. It’s like it’s the only news happenin’ anywhere. Tell you what…if the protesters in Iran want any pub, they’d better be marching to Thriller, waving Farrah Fawcett posters and chanting “Heeeeer’s Johnny.” Elsewise, they won’t get a minute.



(8.-)

Thursday Afternoon Thought Burbles

The SCOTUS ruled today that a school principal cannot strip search a 13-year-old student if he’s only searching for evidence of a couple of aspirin. DAMN…remember back in the day when you’d only get strip searched if they were lookin’ for a gun? YIKES! The SCOTUS vote was 8-1. The lone dissenter? You get three guesses but you’ll only need one. That’s right – Clarence Thomas. Yo Justice Thomas…are you still thinking with your little head instead of your big head?

Speaking of school…earlier this month at a graduation in Maine, one student walked on stage to receive his diploma and blew a kiss to his family. And WTF did school officials do? The perp-walked the little terrorist back to his seat and refused to give him his diploma. This over-stated sense of self-importance by the people in charge has been a problem ever since 9/11. Now cops, and firemen, and teachers, and republicans think that they can trample on your civil rights in order to “protect” the general population. It’s a perfect example of the pussification of America.

And lastly today…we’ve been following the events in Iran as closely as possible. Problem is, some of the images are givin’ us the willies. People getting a cap popped in ‘em? No. People getting’ the “Rudy in the Booty?” No. The thing that’s stickin’ with us is the absolute smokin’-hotness of Persian women. Smart, spunky AND beautiful. PTB…the newest uber-fan of Persian grrls.

BTW...we're doin' all we can to get Jenny Sanford and Dawn Gibbons to be the bread in a PTB sandwich. It's not Buenos Aires, but we'll make it work. Oh yeah...and Senator John "Able-Semen" Ensign...we can still see your doodle!


(8.-)

The Sanctity of Marriage?

Now, y’all know we love our GLBT peeps ‘round here at PTB. You also know where we stand on the subject of marriage: We wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if gays wanna get hitched, we think they should be able to. Of course, the religious wack-jobs out there don’t agree. They say marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Check out how bass-ackward that notion seems now…






Residents in a suburb of Nagpur, India were pretty worried that monsoon season was late. No rain equals no crops, so you can imagine their distress. What’d they do? They got together a couple of frogs (no, not French citizens, the amphibious kind) and in a full Hindu ceremony…married them! We had no idea that frog on frog marriage is legal in India. The question begs to be asked: If JZeus’ Dad doesn’t have a problem with amphibious nuptials; do you think he gives a care about gay marriage? Nope.







Speaking of marriage…for the second time in a week, a prominent, holier-than-thou, bloviating, smarmy, anti-gay marriage, reflublican, friend of JZeus got popped with a wandering doodle. Today, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina admitted to zipping down to Argentina and horn-doggin’ his paramour. And just like Johnny “The Wad” Ensign, he’s not gonna resign. Have you wondered lately WTF it’ll take to get a republican politician canned? C’mon…the whole party got their collective Underoos in a bunch over Slick Willie’s hummer but they keep their heads up their asses when it comes to their own bangin’ on a non-wife coochie.








Now, don’t think for an instant we forgot about Senator “Long” John Ensign. Yesterday, Johnny Suave had lunch with his fellow “conservatives” and apologized for his dalliances. The money quote?




“He spoke at our conference, apologized and indicated that he was going to do his job,” U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., told reporters.




Yo, Able-Semen Ensign…we thought your "job" for the last few years was getting "jobs" for (and from) your paramour, a "job" for her cuckold and a "job" for their son. Funny, the only people that seem to be getting "jobbed" are Nevada voters. Just remember y'all...You can't spell "Ensign" without "resign."





(8.-)

Hypocritical Mass

Last week the SCOTUS ruled that inmates don’t have the constitutional right to get a DNA test that might prove their innocence in a crime if the inmate has already been convicted of that crime. Remember when the USo’A would free a hundred guilty rat-bastards rather than imprison one innocent person? We do. And damn, it seems like it was a long time ago.

A watchdog group out of D.C. called, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics, wants the Senate Ethics Committee to investigate the actions of Senator John “Able-Semen” Ensign. Problem: Johnny Wad isn’t taking responsibility for his actions and, through those actions, we found out he doesn’t have any ethics either. Don’t worry guys; the election is right around the corner. Ensign is gonna get fusticated.

The lawyer for Bernie Madoff (With the Money) says his client is remorseful and that twelve years in the hoosegow is adequate punishment for the biggest fraud in American history. Donte Stallworth of the Cleveland Browns was driving drunk and killed a pedestrian. His sentence? Thirty days. Ever feel like the cute and fuzzy bunnies get all the breaks? Believe this…if it woulda been you or me, they’d have run us off to Gitmo.

And finally, speakin’ ‘bout Gitmo…the other day, republicans in Congress introduced a resolution that stated, in part,

“Congress expresses its support for all Iranian citizens who struggle for freedom, human rights, civil liberties, and the protection of the rule of law... [and] affirms the universality of individual rights…”

This is what’s so BSC about the tighty-righties. They’ll piss and moan and wail and rend garments over Iranian protests but when it comes to giving human rights, civil liberties, individual rights and the protection of the rule of law to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, they stick their collective heads back up their collective asses and hide. Republican hypocrisy. Alive and well.

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Replacement Theory

While Senator John “The Wad” Ensign’s career hasn’t officially taken a dirt nap, don’t worry, he’ll be workin’ at the Arby’s drive thru soon enough. What’s scaring the bejeezus outta some people is that when Ensign does leave the Senate, Nevada’s own Governor, Jim “Read My Lips” Gibbons, is gonna get to pick the replacement. Aye caramba. Last time Gibbons had a good idea; Teddy Roosevelt was skinny. So, in the spirit of goodwill all Silver Staters have toward one another, we’re gonna help GJG. Hell…we’ll even do it in three words:



Senator. Dawn. Gibbons.




Now, before your head explodes Guv, let me explain. Your ex-wife, Dawn is a Republican, an experienced politician and a conservative. Just like Soon-to-be former Senator John (Able-Semen) Ensign. Those are the big three you’ll be lookin’ for in a replacement anyway. But the best part? You’ll be sending your ex into the hornets’ nest that is D.C. politics. If she does well, you’ll start to look less like the douchebag we’ve all come to know and laugh at. If she tanks? You’ll have had the rare chance of stickin’ it to your ex without all those expensive lawyerin’ fees. So, be da man Gib and give yer ol’ sweetie the job. And to the soon-to-be new Senator from the great state of Nevada we say… “Yo Dawn…you remember me dontcha? Drop me a call and we’ll hook up again. I hear-tell that D.C. is beautiful in the summer and you're gonna need an escort so...I'm volunteerin'.



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A Present From Senator John Ensign

We couldn't end the week without puttin' Senator John "The Wad" Ensign's weiner in the blender just one more time. Stick close to your Twitter this weekend, folks. The revolution is a comin'...Inshallah.

Johnny Souled Out

Yesterday we riffed on Senator John “The Wad” Ensign and the meanderings of his doodle. Yo Johnny…who on your staff you think JZeus would bang? Ensign has said he isn’t gonna resign from the Senate, which is bad. But things might not be in his hands, which is good.



Ya see, while Ensign is a hypocrite for horn-doggin’ the help while at the same exact time opposing same-sex marriage, that isn’t illegal. Fucked up repugnant…but perfectly legal. No, what’s gonna get “Long” John Ensign’s nutsack in a sling is the fact that he:


Doubled the pay of his paramour during the affair…


Gave her cuckold an administrative assistant gig and paid him almost $250,000 during the affair…


AND gave their l’il shaver more than five grand for "research policy consulting." And the kid is nineteen fuckin’ years old. Aye caramba!



No…Johnny “Trouser Trout” Ensign won’t get tossed outta the Senate for bein’ a hypocritical rat-bastard but he’ll be workin’ at the drive-thru soon enough after the feds find out about all that hush money he floated. We’ll make you a deal Senator “Able Semen” Ensign. If we ever move outta the ‘rent’s basement and get us a girlfriend, we’ll let you bang her for pennies on the dollar. Hell, we won’t even tell our gay friends. Deal?



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SANCTIFY!

We don’t begrudge Senator John Ensign for bangin’ a woman that wasn’t his wife. It’s human friggin’ nature. He’s a man with wants and needs and desires just like everyone else. Heck-fire, if he was a French politician, he’d be considered a hero. No, we’re hatin’ on John “Able-Semen” Ensign’s hypocrisy. SJE was one of those religious wacko Republican nut cases in Congress who looked all of us in the eye and spouted crap about the “sanctity of marriage” and that “marriage is between one man and one woman.” Bullshit. At least, now we know how hallowed and blessed “marriage” really is to Senator “Long” John Ensign.

Now, Ensign has resigned from his position as the chairman of the Republican Policy Committee. Yo Republicans…WTF kinda policy was he makin’ for y’all? SHEESH! But, of course, he’s not gonna resign from the Senate. Neither did Senator David “Whorebanger” Vitter – neither did Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig. Funny thing about tighty-righties, they gnashed teeth, rent garments and screamed bloody murder when Slick Willie Clinton got a hummer in the Oval Office but every time they get busted dipping their doodles in the wrong hole, it’s no big deal. That’s just how Republicans roll. Hey, we’re cool with that, but the next time the subject of marriage, or morals or honesty pops to the forefront, Senator Johnny “The Wad” Ensign and his ilk had better STFU!

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Bodies in Motion

Las Vegas baseball phenom, Bryce Harper is droppin’ outta high school to pursue his dream of bein’ an MLB star. The brotherhubbard is only sixteen years old and his parents are supporting his decision. Question: If parents are allowed to let their teenage son quit school and sell his “services” to big league baseball, WTF can’t their teenage daughter drop out and sell her “services” to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch? Funny, if you can swing a bat as good as the pros, they call you the "chosen one"…if you give a hummer as good as the pros, they call you a whore. Two words…Double. Standard.

In the last week Ted Rall, Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow have shown their extreme displeasure with the ‘Bamer. They accuse the President of reneging on campaign promises like releasing torture info, stopping “don’t ask/don’t tell” and universal healthcare. Maher and Rall went so far as to demand that Barry-O resign. It’s still early, but BOb is starting to look a lot like the Bush-Wipe. Question: If the President is losing support from hardcore lefties, how long ‘til the rest of the dems bail? Change you can believe in? No. Change you can Xerox. Yup.

(8.-)

Flagged

Some call it the “forgotten holiday” but here at PTB, we love us some Flag Day! Yesterday, while enjoying a celebratory case of beer in honor of F.D., we were perusing the RGJ and nearly skidmarked our Underoos when we saw the pic, on page 1D. What, you say, was so bad that would lead to such a knee-jerk response? Two words – Flag. Ties. Aye caramba!



Back in the ‘90’s, The Newtster and his posse rolled out the “Contract With America.” It was a misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic manifesto that propelled the far right to the halls of power. We’re still trying to recover from that fiasco. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.



One of the highlights of the tome, was a proposed constitutional amendment that would ban flag burning. Yeah, right. Like Newt Gingrich and his ilk are smarter than Jefferson, Franklin, Madison and the rest of our old-skewl motherhubbards. Not. It seemed like the republicans were more interested in protecting the U.S. flag from desecration than they were in protecting the Constitution from ill-advised amendments from BSC politicians.



But the far-right has wrapped itself in the S&S and proclaimed that anyone with different flag-related ideas was a commie-pinko, a terrorist, or worse – a Frenchman! Remember how they vilified Barry-O for not wearing a flag pin? Well…we’ve got news for the tighty-righties out there…y’all are wrong.



Section 8d of the U.S. Flag Code reads: "The flag should never be used as wearing apparel.” Yes, peoples, we do own a copy of the U.S. Flag Code. That’s how civics geeks roll. That means no flag pins for politicians, no flag patches for the PoPo and no flag ties for the unwashed (and un-educated) masses. Isn’t it ironic that the same people who swear to uphold the constitution are the same ones wanting to amend it for political gain – all while wearing the flag like it was a red white and blue corsage? Douchebags.



So, from us here at PTB...Happy belated Flag Day everyone…not that y’all needed any remindin’.



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FryDay

Here's hoping our Persian friends have themselves a great election day. Have a great summertime weekend!


(8.-)

Home Groan

Like a lot of cities around the country, the RNO has some mondo budget problems. One of the solutions to save money was to lay off 19 firefighters. But last night several firefighters and their wives went to the City Council to plead their case. They talked about how devastated their families would be if daddy got a pink slip. They talked about how firefighters are heroes who don’t deserve this kind of treatment. After IAFF 731 decided to forego a couple of raises, the city caved and the firefighters got to keep their gigs. Question: Would any other city employee get the same break if their families lobbied the city council? No. So now instead trying to spread the pain evenly across the spectrum, the council has decided that firefighters are untouchable. Don’t you wish all workers had those kind of rights?

Monday night Letterman was makin’ hella fun of VPILF Sarah Palin and her fam. Some of his jokes were pretty crude but nothing outta the ordinary. But the tighty-righties (Palin included) had themselves a conniption over it. They freaked so much that Letterman had to issue an apology (of sorts). Isn’t it funny that when Bill-O and Fat Boy incite their audience to kill abortion doctors, Muslims or anyone else they don’t agree with, it’s called “free speech.” But when a comedian calls a right-wing politician a slut he gets vilified? SHEESH!

And finally today…there have now been three terrorist attacks, on American soil, in the last week-and-a-half. All three were carried out by BSC motherhubbards. We knew they were coming, though. Remember in April when DHS released their report saying these kinda things were gonna happen? Remember? When they released the report, what did the tighty-righties do? They demanded a retraction, an apology and the resignation of Janet Napolitano, the head of DHS. Yo Republicans…if you wanna know why y’all are goin’ the way of the Whigs, look no further than this. They say they want to protect the citizenry, they say they want to keep America safe…and since they're politicians, you know it’s bullshit.


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