Put Your Irony Setting on Stun

The only thing not authentic in this picture, is the picture of me. Everything else is straight up. Question: If Gun violence is on the rise, why the "Going Out of Business" sale?

Monday Musings

Why is it O.K. for the United States to torture “enemy combatants” in Gitmo, but it’s not O.K. for our enemies to torture our guys when they get captured? Oh, I know. It’s the same reason Los Angeles Dodger fans booed the hell outta Barry Bonds when they found out he was a steroid-abusing cheater but gave Manny Ramirez a standing ovation for the same thing. Torture sure is a fucked up thing…but at least, it’s OUR torture. Aye caramba!



Now that Blackwater is back in the news ‘cause its founder is a friggin’ BSC motherhubbard, I started to wonder. Remember back in the day, if you were in the armed forces and you messed up, they’d make you peel potatoes? It was called K.P. Well, it seems that you can’t go all Gomer Pyle on a dumbass nowadays ‘cause the United States Government pays Blackwater to peel potatoes, do laundry and dig latrines. Did you know that digging shit-holes for Blackwater gets you TEN TIMES the pay rate of the poor dogfaces getting their asses blown off? Remember when war profiteering was a bad thing?



Now, I really don’t want to start off the week on a bummer note (a different tack from the usual Mondays, I know.). So, I’m gonna play a couple of sets of “Vilification Tennis”…here goes…


"Your momma is so hairy, when she takes her clothes off, PETA throws red paint on her!"


Not a bad start to the week, neh?


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Hoppin'

There’s a helluva party goin’ on here in the 775. Hot women, hot cars and hot music…it must be Hot August Nights. In celebration, we’ve got you this little tidbit from one of the baddest motherhubbards ever – Glenn Miller. That dude was smoother than a baby’s butt and his boys could do some band damage. Don’t believe it? Watch the dancers during the silent parts of this song…he’s got ‘em still groovin’! The awesome thing about this video is that the band really played the song. Everyone that is, ‘ceptin’ the brother ticklin’ the ivories. That dude’s piano playin’ is as fake as John Ensign and Mark Sanford's commitment to the sanctity of marriage. YIKES!


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Thursday Thought Burbles

The founder and big dog over at Blackwater, Erik Prince, thinks he’s on a mission from God to rid the world of Muslims. WTH is the outrage over that? There’s more faux indignation about SoSo bein’ an “activist judge” than about this pin dick bein’ a murderer. Yo EP…you REALLY think JZeus’ Dad told you to kill Muslims? Have you ever even read the Ten Commandments? Dude…you’re about as Christian as Genghis Kahn…but you’ve got the murder and pillaging down to a tee.


If Rush Limbaugh can still joke about Slick Willie’s doodle-wanderings from back in the 90’s, I figure I’ll be able to harass Senator John “Putting the ‘Sin’ in” Ensign and Governor Mark “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” Sanford ‘til the year 2025. Hot-damn, that’s gonna be fun!


Back here in the 775…Governor “Slim” Jim Gibbons (he also of the "wandering penis") wanted a cabinet level position and a couple hundred G's to oversee the spending of the federal stimulus money that he didn’t want in the first place! Aye caramba! Problem is, GJG is a friggin’ Republican! Aren’t they supposed to be the party of smaller government? Yo J-Dog…just be honest with yourself (and us). You’re nothing more than a political hack whose job skills will soon land you takin’ orders at the drive-thru. Good luck with that. Oh yeah...and Dawn Gibbons...the offer is still there...if you need a booty call, you know where to find me!

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Gun Nutless

If girls don’t like you…

if you can’t get a date…

and you haven’t done the horizontal mambo since 1984…

I know your problem. You’re spending way too much time dickin’ around with your computer and your blog and your Facebook account. If the BSC motherhubbard in the PA had spent more time learnin’ the ways of the fairer sex and less time in his friggin’ basement surfing the internet and diddlin’ with his peepee, he’d have hisself a girlfriend right now. Instead, he’s takin’ a dirt nap. Which reminds me…

If you’re a loser…or you’re mad at the world…or you have massive debts…and you wanna off yourself, please go right ahead. But there is no need to pop a cap in someone else first. I’m tellin’ ya…if there is a Hell, George Sodini has him a special room there…and he deserves it.

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Willie's Wonker

Well, it looks like Bill Clinton’s wandering doodle finally did some good. Thanks for getting our grrlz back Willie! So, In honor of Bill’s bodacious boner…and in honor of John “I Won’t Resign” Ensign…and in honor of Mark “Holier-Than-Thou” Sanford, we give to you a song written especially for them… BFS’s newest song – My Wena.



BTW…Yo, Senator Ensign and Governor Sanford…at least Tennessee State Senator Paul Stanley had the huevos rancheros to resign. You both are still a couple of wussies!


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Copy Cat

Joel Tenenbaum is getting’ jobbed and he isn’t even gonna get a happy ending. He’s the Boston University student who got popped “illegally” downloading music and was fined more than a half a million dollars. JEEZ! Aren’t the record companies rich enough? It’s not like the original writer or artist is gonna see a penny of the fine. But it begs the question: Is sharing music files over the internet really a crime? Here’s my example…

Back in the day I bought the album “That’s the Way of the World” by Earth Wind & Fire. Boy-howdy, I surely do love me some EWF! The 33rpm LP cost $15. Then I bought the 8-track for $12, then the cassette for another $15, then the CD for $20…that’s a grand total of $62 for one album. Should I have to pay for the digital version too? How many times do I have to buy the same friggin’ album?

Can you imagine the auto industry operating like the music industry? Buy a new car, drive it off the lot and when you’re through, drive it back to the lot. Next time you want to drive your car, all you’ve gotta do is go back to the lot and buy the car again. Oh yeah…and you can never, never, ever let your friend drive your car. After all, if they didn’t pay the car company to drive the vehicle, that’d be stealing from the auto industry…right?


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Summer Sweetness

The best part of PTB's Summer Concert Series is that we get to go back through the years and check out all the great summer music we listened to back in the day. This is one smokin' hot clip from a band called Mtume. Check it out and you can feel the crap of the day melting away. God knows, we certainly could use it.

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Nothing to Sneeze At

Earlier this month I posted about Nazi Germany’s bad-assed Stealth bomber. That puppy is one beautiful machine! ANYWAY…on that post I blathered on about how the Nazis woulda won WWII if the BSC little Austrian wasn’t in charge. The world certainly woulda been a different place. How different? Well, for starters, the USoA would have Universal Healthcare. Free medical for life in exchange for douchebag Nazis in charge? Well…they couldn’t have been any worse than the Bush-Wipes.



Speaking of the Bush-Wipes and Universal Healthcare…an open question to Governor Mark “of the Beast” Sanford, Senator John “Able Semen” Ensign and Senator David “Twitter” Vitter:
You chucklenuts all believe that JZeus’ Dad handpicked your sorry asses to help govern this great nation of ours. All y’all are members of the “C-Street” gang and believe in spreading the gospel on taxpayer time and money. That aside…Do you think JZeus would vote for or against Universal Healthcare? Gotcha! You see, no matter how many times you say you’re a Christian, your actions prove that all of you are nothing more than political opportunists, Republican party hacks and soulless, cold-hearted rat-bastard, hypocrites.



One quick story from the 775. The University of Nevada football team has been picked in a couple of polls to finish second to Boise State in the WAC Conference this year. Great. Getting picked to finish second in the WAC is kinda like bein’ the second prettiest “girl” on the all-male cellblock. Aye caramba!


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Got the Heebie GBs

All I can say is, Thank God for Glenn Beck.” Y’all know Glenn, he’s the tighty-righty, tin foil hat wearin’, BSC motherhubbard host from Faux News. Today the Beckster said what a lot of Americans have known all along. President Barack Hussein Obama is…wait for it…wait for it… President Barack Hussein Obama is a RACIST! Aye caramba!

Thank you Glenn, for tellin’ it like it is. It’s bad enough that Barry-O was born in one of the freak states and hung out with howlies and islanders and other brown-skinded brotherhubbards while he was growin’ up. But GB has exposed the ‘Bamer for what he really is…Archie Bunker with a tan!

Finally, someone is out there protecting crackers against the hatred and hypocrisy and discrimination that has plagued the white man since the founding of this great nation! Whitey will not take this oppression from minorities or women or gays any longer! And Glenn Beck, right-wing nut job, is leading the way.

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Driving Miss Lazy

I usually like studies…but this one sucks ass. According to the American Journal of Public Health (my second favorite magazine) crankin’ up the speed limit led to more than 12,000 deaths on US roads between 1995 and 2005. Now the chuckleheads are lobbying the Government-Cheese to re-lower the speed limit because they say it’ll save gas and save lives. Aye caramba!


-- First of all, everyone knows speed kills. But people were flyin’ around the freeways long before the Red Rocker expressed his inability to drive the speed limit…so it can’t just be speed.

-- In 1995, no one drove while talkin’ on a celly. Now, everyone does it. Hell, people these days even drive while Twittering! It’s so bad that a couple of states have made it illegal to drive while talkin’ on your cell. You think inattention had anything to do with the death spike? I do. BTW…”Death Spike” is an awesome name for a heavy metal band!

-- How ‘bout size? In 1995, people were drivin’ ‘round in Yugos, Saturns and Toyota Tercels. Nowadays, people are drivin’ ‘round in humongous SUV’s, monster trucks and Hummers so gnarly that the only thing missin’ on ‘em is the .50 caliber machinegun mounted on a top turret. You get hit by one of those bad boys and it’s sayonara sucka!

-- What about longevity? These days people are living (and driving) longer. And senior citizens think they’re just as invincible as teenagers! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been cut off and flipped off by blue hairs with their blue plates, rollin’ ‘round in their hoopty wagons. SHEESH!

-- And lastly, what about sheer volume? In 1995 the population of the USo’A was roughly 263 million people. In 2005 we rounded out to 296 million folks. That’s an increase of thirty-three million Americans. Hell, there are so many people on the road nowadays; you can’t help but to hit friggin’ something (and if Lou Dobbs had his way, you'd hit a brown-skinded brother)!

So, the AJPH wants to reduce the speed limit to save lives. I say, the speed limit has very little to do with it. As a matter of fact, reducing the speed limit would actually increase freeway deaths. How do I know? Take the drive from the RNO down to the 702. Keep your speed to 55 miles an hour on that long hump. You are gonna want to kill yourself. Personally, I usually make it to Tonopah before I contemplate the cyanide pills. True dat.

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Adieu Harry Patch

There was a reason they called WWI the “War to End All Wars.” It was a nightmare. Eight million soldiers and seven million civilians were killed. Twenty-two million soldiers and countless civilians were injured. That’s just flat-out nasty. How do I know? Because I knew what was on the mind of Harry Patch and over the weekend, Harry Patch died. Patch was the last man alive who actually fought in the trenches in WWI. At 111 years old, he’d lived a long life but what struck people most about Harry Patch was his vigorous anti-war stance. He didn’t even talk about his experiences ‘til he was 100. But once he hit the century mark, he let loose, calling war, “…organized murder and nothing else.” Since Patch had first-hand experience with the nastiness that is war, you’d think people would have listened to him. You’d be wrong.

As we speak, the United States has 140,000 troops fighting in Iraq. In Afghanistan, we’ve got 50,000. Two wars, for the wrong reasons, against the wrong people. Hell, the United States has military personnel in almost forty foreign countries! WTF do we need our soldiers in fucking Norway? Are we protecting ‘em from the Swedes? In regard to Patch, Prince “I am NOT Gay” Charles said, “The Great War is a chapter in our history we must never forget, so many sacrifices were made, so many young lives lost.” No shit Chuck, ya think?

The crux of today’s biscuit is simple: War is one messed up motherhubbard and we, as the human race, should have grown out of it by now. But we haven’t learned a damned thing. Politicians and Government Cheese-Dicks suckle from the teat of the military-industrial complex just to get reelected…all the while perpetuating wars as “necessary.” They talk all patriotic about the sacrifices our heroic young people make then, they keep sending ‘em out to die. The thing is, soldiers do what their told. So, now it’s time politicians quit telling them to make the ultimate sacrifice and bring ‘em all home. They might not live to be 111 like Harry Patch…but at least, they’d have a chance. besides, nobody wants to be stationed in Norway.

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Bangin'

Well folks, it's Friday and you know what that means...if you're not having fun, then you should head outside and beat on something. It'll make you feel better. Promise.


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Thursday After-toon

Yo Big Pun...We miss you brother. The music just isn't the same without you!

Girl Power

Ladies, ladies, ladies…we love us the ladies here at PTB. That said, we’re gonna drop y’all a pearl of wisdom. Never, never, never, EVER go to the hotel room of a famous athlete, musician, actor or politician. You’d think women everywhere would follow that advice. Wrong.


Ya see, men who get into positions of authority quickly learn that they can do just about anything they want and get away with it. Anyone remember O.J. Simpson? True dat. But instead of thinking with their big heads, they think with their little heads – all except for Johnny “The Wad” Ensign and Mark “of the Beast” Sanford. Those chucklenuts’ tiny (but active) penises are actually bigger than their brains. YIKES!


Yeah, we know it’s tough in our over-glamorized world of stars, and mega-stars, and wannabe stars to not get a little awestruck when one rolls up on you. Heck, that’s natural. But you’ve gotta remember, just like Bowling for Soup says, “High school never ends.” And these megalomaniac, power-hungry, testosterone-laden, misogynistic, jock straps and class presidents think of you as nothing more than pieces of meat. You wanna stay safe around men? Hang with us poor, ugly motherhubbards. We won’t touch your niblets. Heck-fire, we’ll just be happy to see a real, live woman in 3D. After all…here at PTB we do love us the ladies.


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Chill Pill

Well, here in the 775 the summer is boiling at around a hundred million degrees! So hot in fact, I thought it best to let y'all chill for a spell. I'm tellin ya, there's nothing better to cool out to than Kool and the Gang. True dat.

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Moon Day Mourning

Forty years ago, Neil and Buzz rolled outta the LEM, kicked up a little dust, collected a few rocks and basically rubbed a butt on the Russkies for all of us. USA BAYBEE!!!!! Problem is, four decades later, we haven’t been back to the moon. Hell, back in 1969 Chinese technology consisted of stone knives and bearskins and now they’re headed to the moon! WTF happened to us?


Don’t talk to me about the space shuttle. What a rip-off! Who thought it was a good idea to put wings on a flying brick? SHEESH! What a waste of time and money (not to mention the lives of 14 of our brave astronauts). Here's the best article EVER about the shuttle program.



No folks…we’ve got to get back out there – to the moon and beyond. Why? Because that’s what we do. Ever since the first caveman asked himself what was over the horizon (then went to check and was eaten by a Saber-toothed tiger) humans have felt the urge, the need to explore. If for no other reason so that a handful of folks can get off this rock…step on another world and remind each and every one of us all how small, and how insignificant, and how lucky we really are.



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Smokin' Hot Rock

Anyone who says women can't rock, just don't understand women...or rock & roll. There's a reason Concrete Blonde is one of David Letterman's favorite bands...and mine too. See y'all on Monday.

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Told Ya So

A couple of months ago, The Department of Homeland Security released a report warning about domestic terrorism that could be perpetrated by U.S. soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan. The right-wing nut jobs threw a collective hissy fit. “How dare DHS, accuse American soldiers of such things?” said FatBoy. Tinfoil hat model, Glenn Beck, even went so far as to call for the resignation of DHS director Janet Napolitano. “She owes those brave soldiers an apology.” He babbled.

Well guess what? The report was right. The right? As usual, they were wrong.

Nationally, at least 121 Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans have committed a killing in the United States or been charged in one. Vets coming home from multiple tours are suffering from PTSD at staggering rates. Yet we hear nothing from the political hacks and government-cheese dicks who claim they “support our troops.” Yo, John “Able Semen” Ensign…quit playin’ with yer doodle and start payin’ attention!

When a teenager enlists in say, the National Guard, they’re promised one weekend a month and two weeks a year doin’ their Guard stuff. Nowadays, those same soldiers are ordered to multiple deployments in The Suck to situations that are untenable.

You know it…I know it. We’re not gonna win the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. They’re both turnin’ out just like Vietnam. And just like back in the ‘60’s – right-wing, war-mongering, saber rattling politicians keep sending our troops overseas to die and forgetting them the minute they step back on American soil. Every day we’re at “war,” we’re losing blood and treasure and our standing in the eyes of the world. Here’s hoping the next election provides us all a chance to rid ourselves of politicians who have no clue about how to protect the American people…or American soldiers.

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Dear John Love Song

I remember when all the games began.
Remember every little lie
and every last goodbye.
Promises you broke, words you choked on
and I never walked away. Its still a mystery to me

Well I'm so empty
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me.
Well you're so UNCLEAN!
I'm better off without you and YOU'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
DECEIVING!
THE BLEEDING!
IT'S OVER!

Paint the mirrors black (to forget you)
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste.
Roses in a glass dead and wilted.
To you this all was nothing,
everything to you is nothing

Well you're so filthy...
I'm better off without you and you're better off without me.
Well I'm so UGLY!!
You're better off without me and I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
THE BEATINGS!
DISASTER!
IT'S OVER!

As wicked as you are...you're beautiful to me.
You're the darkest burning star, your MY PERFECT DISEASE!

THE LYING!
THE BLEEDING!
THE SCREAMING!
WAS TEARING ME APART!
THE HATRED!
THE BEATINGS!
IT'S OVER!
DISASTER!

Five Finger Death Punch -- The Bleeding


BTW...you thing Mark "Of the Beast" Sanford or Johnny "Wad" Ensign ever listened to this kinda stuff after they got popped? Nah.

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Elemental

Nothing better for a summer weekend than the elements of Earth Wind & Fire. I wonder if Senator John "Able Semen" Ensign ever listened to EWF while he was bangin' his friend's wife and living in JZeus' house? Just asking.


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Killing Time

I'm tellin' ya...I know from experience...


Facebook...

Twitter...

and YouTube...


...are black holes for time. They suck you in and the next thing you know, BAM...you've lost twelve hours of your life. So, to save some time and effort for all the peeps out there, we're gonna find a way to combine all three time-consuming websites into one big time-consuming website.


I'm gonna call it YouTwitFace. Yup...that'll do the trick.



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Vive La France!

When Chimp-Dick and his ilk were bangin’ their illicit war drums, one of the objects of their scorn was France. Remember “Freedom Fries”? Aye caramba…what in the hell were people thinkin’ when they voted for those chucklenuts? Right-wing nutjobs aside, I love the French. What most people don’t know, is that without the French, we’d all be speaking English right now. That said, my new favorite quote:

“Man will not be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.” – Denis Diderot.

Awesome! But maybe we could amend that to say,

“Man will not be free until the last politician is strangled with the entrails of his sordid hypocrisy.” Yeah…that does the trick. You listenin’ Johnny “Wad” Ensign? You listenin’ Mark “of the Beast” Sanford? Probably not.

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Tuesday's Gone

This just in: Michael Jackson is still dead. Problem is, the story just won’t go away. If the mainstream media had covered the Bush administration with this much manpower and gusto, Scooter, Rummy, Brownie, Dr. Evil and the Bush-Wipe would all be in jail right about now. BTW…who the hell is paying for all the cops to be security for the funeral? It’s not like the Governator and the rest of Cali is swimming in dough.

Speakin' of dough...last night, down in the basement we had an epiphany. Chocolate chip cookie air freshener. The great smell of Mom baking, without the mess, the calories or tooth decay. Can someone please make this happen?

And finally…caught a great documentary on NatGeo last night. Hitler’s Stealth Fighter. You heard it right…The Nazis had a flying wing that was stealthy and looked just like the B2 Stealth…and they had it sixty years before the United States did. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: The only reason the Nazis lost WWII is because Hitler was in charge. Knock off that BSC motherhubbard and we’d all be speakin’ German right now. True dat.

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Breakup Wakeup

Poor “Air” McNair. Remember back in the day when a woman would break up with you by mailing you a Dear John letter? Aye caramba! Nowadays, when people break up, they’ve gotta cap a couple of nine milli rounds into your dumb ass. Couldn't she at least have broken up with him on her Facebook page? BTW…wasn’t McNair married? Question #1: Was Steve McNair contemplating running for a Republican Senate or Governor’s seat? Question #2: Is there one friggin’ monogamous husband in the whole country? SHEESH! Seems everyone is tappin’ asses not belonging to their significant others. Makes you wonder why people defend marriage so vehemently.



The Taliban in Afghanistan has kidnapped an American soldier. Just what we fuckin’ need. A couple of comments: Why isn’t this front page news? Why isn’t this the lead story for every T.V. and radio newscast in the country? Why haven’t we heard from one politician voicing outrage? And now that the world knows America tortures prisoners, do we have any moral high ground to complain when they torture our brother? No. Hey Chimp-Dick…still glad you suspended habeas corpus, opened Gitmo and H2OBoarded detainees? Right…you WOULD. As for us…we’re gonna actually pray for the kidnapped American brotherhubbard…he’s gonna need it.


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