Talk is Cheap

I won’t go into too much detail on last night’s presidential address. My head is still pounding from slammin' all those shots. Who’d have thunk the over/under on “stink-eyes thrown by Nancy Pelosi" would go so far over. Now every time I see the Speaker of the House, I know I’m gonna belch stale beer, Doritos and Jose Cuervo. YIKES!

So…the remnants of last night’s SOTU speech are still passed out on the basement floor, surrounded by empty Keystone cans, Tequila bottles and shot glasses. Aye caramba! To the boys and girls in this hood, the SOTU addy is better than the Super Bowl. That’s how we roll here in the 775. A couple of quick thoughts on Barry-O’s offering…

Three minutes into the speech…THREE FRIGGIN’ MINUTES into it, the cameras cut to Nevada Senator Harry Reid. And the chucklenut was YAWNING! SHEESH! Yo Harry…if your career in the Senate wasn’t over before last night…it is now. Worst. Move. Ever.

Nuthin’ funnier than seein’ the ‘Bamer waggin’ his finger at the SCOTUS, Inc. Justices and scolding them like they were naughty schoolgirls. They were squirmin’ in their seats like they were bein’ forced to watch an episode of “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire.” True dat. Come to think of it…Ruth “Darth” Bader-Ginsburg is my new secret fantasy schoolgirl crush. So sue me.

And finally…say what you will about BHO’s TelePrompter abilities, say what you will about his rhetorical flair and his smooth, dulcet tones…but if last night’s speech doesn’t kick start the legislative process in the House and the Senate, we’re all gonna be doomed. Republicans with thir smart-assed reactions, tryin’ to look interested, acting like a bunch of frat boys in Economics class. Hey John Boenher…y’all are either with us or against us. What’ll it be? My guess is the latter. DOOMED I TELLS YA!

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Balls Beer

Sex and the Shitty

So…the story says that Tiger Woods is checkin’ himself into a Betty Ford Clinic for sex addicts. Aye caramba! Question to El Tigre and the X-Files motherhubbard. If y’all were REALLY sex addicts, HTF come you weren’t having sex with Elin Nordegen or Tia Leoni? You know…your WIVES? No, people like you aren’t sex addicts. Yer a couple of narcissistic, bourgie-rich, pampered assholes who think women…all women…owe you something. Just goes to show you…if there’s enough money involved, women will sleep with anyone. True dat.

I LOVE me this story. The headline reads, in part: "Pope John Paul II Flagellated Himself Regularly." HAW! Ummm…isn’t that a sin in Catholicism? Wouldn’t he start growin’ hair on his palms for doin’ it? If that wasn’t the funniest headline of the year, I dunno what was.

And finally…seems the City of Reno is short a MILLION DOLLARS that’s due to the Reno Aces Baseball folks. The City Council gave SK Baseball all these sweet deals thinking they’d make their payment with tax monies not yet collected. When the economy took a dump (Thanks George W. Bush) the expected tax monies never materialized...still aren't First things first…making deals for future payment with money you might not get is asinine. WTF is our City Council using this shitty method? Secondly…if the City Council continues to screw the pooch on things like OWING MILLIONS of dollars, HTF did they get elected and re-elected in the first place? When they run they tell us they want to serve the public. When they get into office, they only serve themselves. True dat.

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USo'A, Inc.

Corporations are people and citizens with all the rights of all Citizens of the United States of America, Inc.? Aye caramba! Corporations may be considered people by the SCOTUS but they don’t have feelings, they cannot show remorse and they do not die. Does that sound like a “person” to you? I wonder...do you think gay corporations can get gay married? Can a corporation get tossed in Gitmo for bein' an enemy combatant?

Looks like OBL is taking credit for the Fruit of the Boom bomber. Yo-‘Sama…did you know this chucklenut couldn’t even blow up his own Underoos? And you’re takin’ credit for it? Damn dude, you’re really reaching for the bottom of the barrel. Problem is…wussified Americans are gonna give up more of their freedoms now, for the illusion of safety. So, I guess OBL is gonna win again.

And finally…looks like the US Olympic Committee is thinkin’ ‘bout putin’ the 2022 Winter Olympic Games here in the 775. Bad. Idea. Look guys…the NV is so broke, we’re cutting teachers and firemen and state workers and we’ve got a hole in the budget bigger than the one in Governor Gibbons’ cranium. Advocates of bringin’ the games here say that it’ll be a boon for the economy and we’ll get to upgrade all the ski resorts in the area. Hmmm…did anyone bother to ask Salt Lake City what they’re doing with their ski-jumps? Nothing. Do you think Lillehammer, Norway gets a lot of use out of their bobsled courses? Nope. And when all the Olympic tourists leave what’ll be the benefit then? Bupkis.

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The Politics of Television

Bad news for civics geeks…like myself. Today the SCOTUS ruled that corporations can put as much money as they want into the election of a federal candidate. Aye caramba! It all dates back to 1886 when the SCOTUS ruled that corporations have all the rights and privileges as real people. WTF? I thought Supreme Court Justices were supposed to be smart. Guess not.

But you’re probably asking your monitor, “WTF do I care if corporations can spend butt-loads of money on political campaigns?” Good question. And if you asked it, you’d better sit down for the answer. You see…corporations have lots and Lots and LOTS of money. For someone to get elected, they need lots and Lots and LOTS of money. So now, corporations can pick their favorite candidate and spend the other candidate into submission. You think WalMart is gonna support a candidate that is pro-union? Nope. You think Shell Oil is gonna stand idly by while a tree-hugging, Green Party, liberal gets elected to the Senate? Nope.

Now, I’ve got to do a full disclaimer here: Every time you watch a political commercial, we here at PTB make ONE MILLION DOLLARS. That said, the new ruling is gonna be a boon to the television industry. YAY! But how much is it gonna help political discourse in America? Actually, it’s gonna kill it. Remember how the Swiftboaters made Vietnam vet John Kerry into a traitorous coward while they made George W. Bush into a hero? Americans didn’t even bother to check the facts. They just believed what television told ‘em to believe. That’s how dumb of a nation we are. That’s the road we’re gonna go down later this year and every election after. Aye caramba!

Well…now that I think about it, there might just be a silver lining in all this. In a few years, politicians are gonna have so many sponsorships, they’re gonna have logos all over their suits, makin’ ‘em look like NASCAR drivers. At least we’ll know who paid ‘em off. True dat.

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