Haim Highs and Lo-Hans

Former child star Corey Haim took a dirt nap last night and everyone seems caught off guard. Let me get this straight...he becomes rich and famous beyond imagination at a very young age, throws it all away on alcohol and drugs and nasty-assed monkey sex with groupies and y'all are surprised? The only thing surprising about this story is that it didn't happen earlier.

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade over their Super Bowl commercial. L2’s lawyers say that the use of the name Lindsay in the spot is a direct reference to her because “many celebrities are known by one name only.” They’re right. Madonna…Cher…Pele and the like are so famous they are known by one name. Lindsay Lohan? Fuckin’-A lady…no one over the age of thirty or under the age of twenty-five even know who the hell you are. This smells like a frivolous lawsuit brought by an egocentric publicity hound. Yo LoLo…don’t quit your day job. That is, if you even have one. Hope you saved your money, toots!

And lastly today. A new poll out says that most Americans believe God is involved in their everyday lives and is concerned with their personal well-being. Really? Isn’t this the 21^st Century? Look guys. If there was an Invisible Man in the Sky who gave a schnizzle about your personal well-being, don’t you think he’d lower your cholesterol, drop those extra pounds, get you a better paying job and stop that Kenyan-born, socialist, Marxist, fascist, secret Muslim from passing healthcare? He sure would. But since there isn’t…He won’t. Get over it folks…we’re all on our own and there’s nothing that JZeus’ Dad can, or will, do about it.

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Thinking Biscuits

I don’t get it…on Monday a Toyota Prius, as they are wont to do, sped out of control over in Cali. Now the Feds are launching not one, but two investigations into the incident. Number of people killed? None. Meanwhile, Dr. Evil has admitted to okaying the torture of people in American custody but I haven’t heard a peep out of the Obama Administration. People killed? Unknown. But it surely smells like the ‘Bamer and his peeps have no stomach for a fight against the tighty-righties. Pussies.

Kay Bailey Hutchison and other members of Congress want to keep the space shuttle fleet flying. Worst. Idea. Ever. The shuttle is a piece of shit. It’s been called a brick with wings. It is a deathtrap. Don’t believe me? Just check out this story…from 1980! Why can’t America’s space program get off the fuckin’ couch and get with a program rather than trying to re-live the past like some melancholy, heartbroken schoolgirl? Yo usa...Look out behind you. Here come the Chinese!

And finally…”experts” say that raising taxes on sodas and pizza will raise a lot of money and take a lot of weight off of fat-assed Americans. Maybe, but here are two arguments: 1. Just ‘cause someone is a couple of pounds over “ideal” doesn’t make him/her obese or even unhealthy. Besides, this is a free country (isn’t it?). If someone chooses to be heavy, is it the Government’s job to tax ‘em into skinniness? No. And 2. If you’re gonna tax sugary drinks and pizzas ‘cause they’re bad for you…why stop there? Too much television is (allegedly) bad for you too. No extra taxes there. Too much stress is bad for you too. Any extra taxes there? Nope. Here’s the crux of the biscuit…if you tax a certain segment of the population ‘cause their lifestyles are anti-productive, WTF the first thing you cut out of school budgets is P.E.? True story.

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A 1970s Ending to a Sad Week

The Ghosts of Presidents Past

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

Thought Burbles

A couple of random thoughts for a Tuesday…

It surely does suck that the Earthquake Gods decided to take a dump on Chile. Here’s hoping my Chilean friends bounce back quickly (no pun intended). Almost a thousand people dead sucks-ass but the worst part about the Chilean earthquake? Haiti is as forgotten as Sarah Palin’s reading list.

In order to save money, THE University of Nevada is cutting programs and colleges deeper than John Boener’s spray tan. Pretty soon, the only thing left at UNR is gonna be the football team. And they suck so bad, we might as well cut them too. It surely would save the 775 from a lot of embarrassment.

Tiger Woods is back home today after spending a week at sex rehab. That’s gotta be awkward at the dinner table. “Elin honey, could you please pass the salt? I’m not a sex addict anymore.” THWHACK!

And finally…The Canadian women’s hockey team won a gold medal. They promptly stormed the ice and celebrated with beer and cigars. The puritanical hacks at the IOC practically skidmarked their Underoos sayin’ that wasn’t the way they wanted athletes to celebrate their accomplishments. Yo IOC…these athletes have spent years and years of training for this event. It’s not like they’re gonna get a shot in the NHL or something. The IOC is so tight, the stick in their collective asses has a stick up its ass. True story.

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Blue Tunes

Funny how sad songs are so much sadder when you have a broken heart, neh?

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Nothing to Smile About

Y’all ever heard of the movie Smile Pinki? It’s a documentary about kids in poor countries that are born with cleft palate. What a horrific affliction. These kids are often shunned by family members, destined to live a life of shame. GAWD…I watched that movie and thought how fucked up life can be sometimes. But there’s a group called the Smile Train that travels the world in search of kids with cleft palate in an attempt to get them the vital operation they need. It’s a simple procedure and it only costs $250. That’s a great deal considering what the alternative is. Flash forward to yesterday…

In an attempt to draw attention to the plight of Nevada families against rising healthcare costs, Senator Harry Reid told the story of the Jesus Gutierrez family at yesterday's healthcare summit. Gutierrez is the owner of Fresh Mex Restaurant here in the RNO. His daughter was born with a cleft palate and his insurance company decided not to cover the cost of the needed surgery. The result? The Gutierrez family had to pay…wait for it…wait for it…$90,000 for the surgery!!! Aye caramba!!! That’s TWENTY-SIX THOUSAND percent over what the Smile Train people need to fix cleft palates in other countries.

Here’s the crux of the biscuit…cleft palate surgery in India, or Mexico, or Nigeria costs $250. In the United States of America, Inc. it costs $90,000. From the pharmaceutical companies to the hospitals from the doctors to the insurance companies, someone…every step of the way is sucking profit from the health woes of Americans. Now, rich Americans can probably afford to pay that much but what about middle-class America? Nope. Heck-fire, you know the poor can’t afford that kind of scratch.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is no way for a Christian nation to behave toward its citizens. But then again, The United States of America, Inc. isn’t really a Christian nation. We just say we are and hope nobody notices. Fuckin’-A…JZeus must be spinning in His grave.

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Truth is Beauty

No, I’m not a pessimist.
At some point the world shits on everybody.
Pretending it ain’t shit makes you an idiot...not an optimist.