The Stories of His Demise...

I remember it like it was yesterday. During a near-meltdown at the Springfield nuclear power plant, an automatic shutdown computer was flashing the following message: To avoid meltdown, press any key. Homer, the safety inspector on duty, was apoplectic, “Any key? Where’s the ‘any’ key? I can’t find the ‘any’ key!” And that about sums up the Republican result in last night’s Nevada GOP Senate primary.

You see, a couple of months ago, people were sayin’ that Harry Reid’s career was sleeping with the fishes. The bobbleheads on television were already saying that anyone could beat Reid in the general election. Then the republicans went out and got…anyone. They got “Tark the Shark’s” son…they got the Chicken Lady…they got the only politician in Nevada who supports, get this, BANNING SALES OF ALCOHOL. Aye caramba!

The three tighty-righties fought each other and called each other names and in the end there was only one winner. Sharron “Wacky” Angle…she of the “No alcohol should be sold in Nevada” meme. So, sometime last night Harry Reid’s career rolled over in its grave, climbed out of the hole and is now prepared to go full-fledged zombie on Angle’s Teabaggin’ self. The talking heads thought anyone could beat Reid in the general election. That was yesterday. Today it’s a whole different story.

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Be Counted

For a civics geek and political junkie like me, primary election day is like Kwanzaa, Rosh Hashanah and Sadie Hawkins Day all rolled into one. That being said, y'all gotta get yer asses out there and vote. Doesn't really matter who you vote for, just do it. Figure it this way...if you don't vote, you can't complain...and with the way things are hitting the fan nowadays, there's plenty to complain about.

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Dumb-Assed is as Stupid-Assed Does

School districts across the nation are drowning in red ink much like wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico is drowning in BP’s oil. So, to cut costs, more than 120 districts in the USoA, Inc. are cutting back to four day school weeks. Save a little dough, keep little Johnny dumb as a bag of rocks. Makes sense.

Matriculating up the ladder, University of Nevada Regents aren’t cutting days, they’re cutting programs. Among those now sleeping with the fishes are the Resource Economics program at the College of Agriculture, the Supply Chain Management program in the Mathematics Department, and the Center for Nutrition and Metabolism. I don’t get it…UNR can spend millions upon millions of dollars fielding a mediocre-at-best athletics department and they can’t (or won’t) spend a dime to keep important academic programs running. Aye caramba.

This kind of thing kills me because the common bogeyman on the dumbing down of America is television. And as I’ve said before: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB get one million dollars. But the turn of the USo’A, Inc. into Idiocracy isn’t being caused by the boob tube, it’s being caused by bureaucrats cutting education to save a few dollars at the cost of the country’s future. Don’t believe me? A survey just out says that seventy-five percent of those polled couldn’t name one Supreme Court Justice. Depressing, neh? The highest court in the land…the chucklenuts that just voted corporations have the same rights as people…and 75 out of 100 people cannot name one of those nine judges. No wonder they're keepin' y'all dumb.

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Laugh Track

There is a reason George Carlin was considered the greatest comedian ever.

Another One Bites the Dust

Last week Mark Souder, a congressman from Indiana, an evangelical Christian who promoted abstinence education and a fire and brimstone Bible thumper resigned from office. His crime? Bangin’ a staffer who was not his wife. Of course.

It’s been said time and time again ‘round here at PTB, it’s really no one’s business if a politician is “hiking the Appalachian Trail” or having a RentBoy “carry his luggage." That is, unless that politician’s entire career is centered around “family values.”

Everyone in the world knew that Slick Willie was gonna be bangin’ skanks in the Oval Office. Everyone in the world knew that John Edwards was a horndog with a wandering doodle. They weren’t trying to foist their moral superiority on people and that was just fine.

The problem comes when a holier-than-thou, homophobic, right-wing nutcase who says that marriage is sanctified by God gets popped doin’ the horizontal mambo with someone other than the missus. Representative Souder did the right thing in resigning...Senator John "Able Semen" Ensign, are you listening?

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The REAL Football

Well folks, the World Cup is only a couple of weeks away and tomorrow is the UEFA Champions League Final on our very own FOX network. FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch the FOX network, we here at PTB make one million dollars. That being said, here is a preview of NIKE's new World Cup addy. Enjoy! Long live Sam's Army!

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Fished In

Every time I see a new pic from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill I just wanna hurl. Turns out BP and Barry-O’s administration have been lowballing the size of this ecological clusterfuck from day one. They’re covering their collective asses instead of trying to stop this leak. My question: WTF is the United States Navy? We spend billions of dollars a year to maintain the largest and most technologically advanced navy in the world and the one time we could their help, they pull a Lindsay Lohan. Thanks a lot Captain Steubing! PTB laments the loss of wildlife in haiku:

Seafood is healthy.

A new meaning for fish oil.

Vitamin BP.

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Bible Thumping

Regular readers of PTB know just how much credence I put in the Bible. Zero. C’mon, a book written by old white dudes trying to pass it off as the Word of God is ridiculous. That being said, a lot of people believe the Bible came, word-for-word, straight outta the mouth of the Invisible Man in the Sky. Every Commandment, every fable, every damned word…authored by JZeus or His Dad.

It seems the more zealous a person’s religious beliefs, the more likely he/she is to believe the earth is only 10,000 years old, Jonah, in fact, was swallowed by a whale, Noah pulled a Jessica Watson and sailed ‘round the world with two of everything and that President Obama is the Antichrist. They say, “It’s right there in the Bible” and they’d be right. There is a lot of ambiguity in the Bible. But now a group of conservatives has figured that the WoG is, get this, too liberal. Aye caramba!

The Conservative Bible project is intending to reword progressive parts of the Bible (love thy neighbor, do unto others, turn the other cheek…you know, the pussy stuff) to make it more conservative. You can bet your ass that the fire and brimstone quotient is gonna be through the roof. I see an increase in plagues and locusts and bloody rivers. And you can bet your ass gayness will get you a ticket straight to Hell. But here’s the crux of today’s biscuit: If the Bible is the Word of God, what gives these chucklenuts the right to change it? And if the Bible was written by and can be changed by mere mortals, why the fuck would anyone believe it? Hear that sound? It’s JZeus spinning in His grave.

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