Futbol Feelings

GEEZ…the refs have been so bad in this World Cup that their crappy calls are overshadowing what’s turning out to be a great tournament. Hell those officials need glasses. Wait, those refs are so bad they have glasses already but their eye doctor must be Rand Paul. Aye caramba!

Having watched almost every game of the 2010 World Cup, I’ve gotta ask…why do national anthems have to be solemn? I understand some countries’ anthems are rife with history, and war, and, death and whatnot…but not all of ‘em. Why can’t people just belt their national anthems like they were karaokeing Pat Benatar on a Friday night? Have a bit of fun people…it’s the World Cup, not George Bush’s inauguration.

One of the coolest things about watching soccer on television is the awesomeness of the announcers from Great Britain. In one ten minute span I heard the terms: “Impudent little flick,” “tight little ball” and “sloppy effort.” High comedy indeed…especially if you have a dirty mind like me.

And finally…it happens all the time in American sports. A batter strikes out, a kicker misses a field goal, a player gets called for a foul. The director cuts to a slo-motion closeup of the irate sportsman and inevitably they’ll drop and F-Bomb. Not an audible one (no nat sound on replay) but definitely a visible one. During the past two weeks I’ve seen no fewer than a dozen slo-mo, replay F-Bombs dropped by people who don’t even speak English. A beaten goalie, an inaccurate striker, a yellow-carded midfielder…director cuts to the slo mo closeup and Whadda you see? A visibly, angry, frustrated FUCK! Whether they speak French, or German, or Dutch or Swahili, same thing…“FUCK!” Glad to see American sportsmanship translate to international soccer.

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Separated at Birth

Funny how you never see Seinfeld's Jason Alexander and England striker Wayne Rooney in the same place together. Coincidence? I think not.

Why Teabaggers Can Bite Me

They're not chanting "Beat L.A!

They're not chanting "WOLF!..."PACK!"

They're not chanting "Boston Sucks!"

No, this is the kind of stuff that unites Americans. Something you bass-ackward, hatemongering, hypocritical, fascist, racist, xenophobic, soccer-hatin', can't spell, cracker-assed crackers know nothing about.

Yanks v Black Stars tomorrow at 11a. 'Til then...a little something to make you realize we are all Sam's Army. Courtesy of Robby Donoho. WOOT!

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I Think We're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

Y’all might remember this story: A while back, one bad-assed Carcharodon carcharias was munchin’ on Amity Islanders like they were Krispy Kremes. The PoPo was freakin’ out…the short dude from The Goodbye Girl was freakin’ out…everyone on the island was freakin’ out ‘ceptin’ the one dude who should have been…the Mayor. You know, the guy in charge.

That story reminds me of what’s happening in the Gulf of Mexico. We’ve got this life-devouring monster killing wildlife and wetlands and, in the future, people – and politicians are acting like Mayor Larry Vaughn. Caribou Barbie? “Drill Baby Drill.” Governor Alfred E. Neumann? “A drilling moratorium will kill jobs.” Senator sucking at the monetary teat of big oil? “I’m sorry that you have to pay.”

What we need right now is a real-life Sam Quint. Someone to screech his fingernails down the chalkboard of our collective brain pans. Someone with the huevos rancheros to take down this beast. Someone who is in this thing to help the American people…unlike government-cheese dicks looking out for the one thing they really care about…their careers. Any takers?

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Timeout

Since the USo'A's futball team plays the Desert Eagles today...and I'm rolling the old Betamax on the game, I've been off the grid. No news, no Facebook, no e-mails. Frankly, it is KILLING me. I hear whisperings of the BP clusterfuck gettin' attacked by robots, Rock Me G. Patraeus guest hosting for Stanley Mac and the state of Arizona burning into some kind of weird Cajun dish. Not good. So, to cheer us all up, we've got my boy Linus Van Pelt singing a hit song from the Police. Yup, that'll do it.

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Adieu Les Bleus

You’ve got to hand it to the Frogs…no team in international football has the diva thing down quite like Les Bleus. Alas, we won’t have them to entertain us anymore. This morning hosts Bafana Bafana dropped a deuce on Thierry Henry and company, sending France home in defeat and disgrace.

IMHO, the funniest story line to come out of the French team’s debacle is the tongue lashing they got from former star player Zinedine Zidane. Zidane criticized the team for its “ridiculous, childish behavior.” What a load of crap. Y’all rember Z2 dontcha? Last World Cup he got red carded in the final game for givin’ Marco Materazzi the old Glasgow Kiss. Talk about a classy guy. Getting scolded by Zinedine Zidane for acting like idiotic morons is like being called dumb by George W. Bush. True story.

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The Longest Day

Ah, the summer solstice one of my favorite times of the year. In honor...a little ditty from Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Now, let's hit the pool!

Utah...Metah...Wetah

A lot of people give the LDS church a ration of shit. People say it’s a cult. Some people don’t consider the LDSers Christians, and it’s just plain creepy that they run the entire state of Utah. Well, the Mormons and other Beehive Staters proved them all correct yesterday when the government-cheese executed convicted killer Ronnie Lee Gardner.

While I may be a progressive in some aspects, when it comes to the death penalty, I’m almost always for it’s swift use. The exception is any black man living below the Mason-Dixon Line…you Klansmen out there know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. But I have a real problem in this case.

The problem isn’t with the execution itself…the problem I have is that it was done in Utah. You see, if the state of Utah is run by the Mormon Church and the Mormon Church believes itself to be Christian, WTF are they doing executing anyone? Hell, the Utah Attorney General even TWEETED from the death chamber. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT CHRISTIAN? From what I’ve read in the Christian Bible, there are a million places where JZeus and His Dad talk about how killing is wrong. They talk about forgiveness and mercy. Do the Mormons follow those tenets of their Holy Book? No. But they sure have their magic underwear in a bunch over gay marriage…something that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible.

As long as the State of Utah has the death penalty as an option…no matter how heinous the crime, they’re not Christians. Hell, they’re no better than the perp they’re poppin’ caps at. Hypocrites? Yes. Men and women of God? No way in Hell.

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