Fair Weather

Allright, allright…yeah, we’ve been a little negative here at PTB lately. But, SHEESH, have you SEEN some of the things goin’ on out there? YIKES!


Anyway…


We’re gonna keep it light today ‘cause one of our faves kicks off its 133rd year here in the 775. That’s right, the Nevada State Fair.


Wanna cheap date? Head off to the cooking competitions where audience members get to eat what the judges didn’t.


Then head over to the Tilt-A-Whirl and learn what a bulimic feels like.


Got a need for speed? Check out the drag racing wiener dogs.


The fair is one of the best things about the 775…so go out there and have fun!

(8.-)

Don't Bend Over In The Shower Mike!

He copped a plea.


You don't cop a plea unless you're at least a little guilty.


What Michael Vick did to his dogs is unconscionable...no...that's too nice of a term. What he did was flat out BSC.


Your dog loves you no matter what kind of prick you are.


Hitler's dog loved him and he was a MAJOR asshole


Dick's dog loves him and he's a HUGE dick.


Even Michael Vick's dogs loved him. How did he return that unconditional love? Like the rat-bastard he is. Hey Michael...enjoy the Gray Bar Motel. You're getting a WAY better fate than your dogs.


(8.-)

Hear No Evil...See No Evil...Speak No Evil

In a new survey, The Project for Excellence in Journalism found that coverage of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars has dropped significantly. Network evening news scaled back more than 40 percent while cable news coverage of the war dropped 39 percent.

One quick question: WTF could be a more important story than American men and women fighting and dying for a lost cause in an unjust war?

Oh…that’s right.

When they tell you they love America…they’re LYING!

(8.-)

Homeland Insecurity

Certainly, we're no fans of the Department of Homeland Security here at PTB. They do read this blog occasionally and for that we're flattered. But we think the whole operation is un-American, wasteful and, quite frankly, more than a little creepy.

Check it:


The government-cheese has handed out more than$46 billion to police and fire departments around the country since 2001. That's a LOT of scratch.


Newark, NJ got $250,000 for new, air-conditioned garbage trucks.


Madisonville, TX got $30,000 for a custom trailer to be used as an emergency center during its annual Mushroom Festival.


Washington, DC got $100,000 to send sanitation workers to a Dale Carnegie course.

and now this...

Our tax dollars are being spent by DHS on something called "Project Hostile Intent". Basically, it's the use of involuntary facial and speech signals captured on video to identify people "involved in possible malicious or deceitful acts" -- before they ever commit the crime!!!

A couple of questions:

Since when has it become illegal to think of something illegal? Are they gonna send someone to Gitmo for thinkin' about poppin' a cap in a Bush-Wipe?

If DHS can't accurately screen for weapons when you're standing in the friggin airport scanner...how well do you think their "facial expression recognition" software is gonna work?


When they say they love America...they're LYING.

When they say they want to protect Americans...they're LYING.


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Homeland Security

This isn't a hero.

Neither is this...or this.

Do you know what mobile homes are made of? Cardboard & kerosine. Running into a burning trailer to save the occupants trapped inside is the ultimate heroic act.

You don't need a hundred billion dollar boondoggle to keep you safe. Just your neighbor. THAT'S why we love livin' in the 775.

NJR...Salut.

We can only hope to give as good an account when it's our turn.

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Hot August Frights

Were you there? No. Of course you weren't. NO ONE WAS!


Saturday night in downtown was emptier than the space between WPE's ears!


There were more WMD's in Iraq than there were tourists in downtown Reno!


It was so quiet downtown that you could hear a pin drop. But if you were the one dropping the pin, Reno 911 would have perp-walked you to the hoosegow for "Gang Related Activity".


So...the chicken-shit, pink-assed crackers that are the powers that be in the 775 got their wish. No Saturday night cruise. The blowback of it all is that in 20 years, the same brown-skinded brothers you chased off will be HAN'ers themselves...only they won't be coming to Reno...that's 'cause they weren't welcome here in 2007.


It's a travesty.

(8.-)

Cooling Off Hot August Nights

So, Reno 911 wants to stop crime during Hot August Nights…an admirable goal.

So whadda they do?

They log on to Craig’s List to bust the EVIL HO’s!!!!

WORST CRIMINAL ACTIVITY EVER!!!!!

No, they didn’t bust Crystal darkness, OBL or Dick... they popped EVIL HO's!!!

Finding hookers on Craig’s list easier than finding an anal-retentive, perverted cracker in the Republican party.

Wanna get the real HAN bad guys? Run A DUI checkpoint on South Virginia street.

It's hypocritical because 30 miles away you CAN pay for sex…


When they say they're here to "serve and protect"...THEY'RE LYING!!!


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She Took My Flag but Gave Me A Hummer

The last thing we’d ever associate with patriotism is a Hummer. They’re nothing more than road-hogging, gas guzzling, penis extensions.


But the owner of Towbin Hummer down in the 702 says that’s just what his 100 foot flag is there for…to show how much of a patriot he is. Others contend he’s using Old Glory to sell more cars.


We here at PTB have to ask…what is more patriotic than raw capitalism? Besides…here in the 775 our biggest flag is flying over an adult bookstore!

(8.-)

It Sucks Livin' In The Suck

There's no H2O in The Suck.


There's no electricity in The Suck.


A dozen or so brave Americans die in The Suck every day.


Hundreds of civilians die in The Suck every day.


Q: Do you think the Iraqi people are better off now than they were under Saddam Hussein?


When they tell you we're there to liberate the Iraqi people and give them democracy...THEY'RE LYING!!!


(8.-)

And Up From The Ground Comes A 'Bubblin' Crude

Reno said no.



Carson City thought it was shitty.



Minden and Gardnerville were thinkin' ill.



The county planning commission, was on a mission, so they recommended against it.




But county commissioners, All-knowing, all-seeing, who know more than we mere mortals, approved it.




Now Jethro has his casino and the 775 gets yet another example of how elected officials don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

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Hot Time In The City

It’s finally here. The 775’s tribute to the cars, music and style of yore.

People cruise in their hoopty wagons, mack on the girls and get hassled by the fuzz…just like they did back in Fonzie’s day.

Problem is, now the HANers are all old geezers so they’ve decided to stop their Saturday night cruise.

Why?

‘Cause the brown skinned kids from Cali roll in driving their rice rockets, macking on the girls and getting hassled by John Law.

Officials say they're "troublemakers."

We here at PTB consider them the HANers of the future.


Reno only wants your tourist dollars if you're a pink-skinned cracker!


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Lawyers, Guns and Money

Too many missing.

Where's the problem in Iraq?

Who would Allah shoot?


(8.-)

If Pro Is The Opposite Of Con…What’s The Opposite Of Progress?

It certainly seems like we’ve spread real American Democracy to the middle east. The whole friggin’ Iraqi Parliment is taking a six week vacation.





WTF?





Don’t they know there’s a war goin’ on??? Do these Iraqi-crats think their country is on the right track? And why hasn’t anyone from OUR congress said anything?





Meanwhile…every day they’re on vacation, more American soldiers and Iraqi civilians will needlessly die.



When they say they care for our brothers and sisters in the armed services…they’re LYING!





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The 702 Wants Your Babies Next

It's called the DESERT for a reason!


The 702 reminds us of the schoolyard bully that’d finished his packet of mustard and saltine cracker lunch and starts to leer at you and your lunchables. “You gonna eat that?,” he says. You say “no” and the bully gets your lunch. You say ”yes” and you get a handful of boogers wiped across your Wonderbread.


Hey 'Vegas...get your own water and leave Lincoln County's H20 alone!


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Bad Sports

Iraq's soccer team rubbed a butt on the competition in the Asian Cup Championships this past weekend. You'd think the country would unite behind their newfound heroes. You'd be wrong. These crazy motherhubbards, taking a page from the Detroit Pistons Championship celebration playbook, started blowing up even more innocent people. EEK! No telling what'd happen if the Iraqis win the World Cup!


(8.-)

When You Blow a Dollar on a Bottle of Water...Buy Perrier

It looks like all the bourgie poseurs out there sipping on Aquafina got a kick in the arse last week when PepsiCo decided on a little “Truth in Advertising.”


Turns out the pure refreshing spring water everyone is gulping comes straight from the sink. Not just any sink…a sink in Massachusetts! UGH!


It’s just another reason we love living here in the 775…our tap water is among the cleanest, freshest and tastiest on this entire big blue marble!


BTW…”Aquafina” in French means “donkey urine.”



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Four Martini Launch

One small step for man...two wobbly steps off the line and Buck Rogers ends up blowing a .12...


and NASA still let them fly!!!



Question: When an astronaut gets a field sobriety test, does he/she have to recite the aviation alphabet backward? "Zulu...Yankee...X-Ray..."


Now, we here at PTB don't condone drinking and astronauting but we do understand the need for a snort or two before strapping yourself on top of one of those Acme rockets. Hell, if it were us going up there, we'd be BLASTED before blast-off!




(8.-)

Dictator in a Polo Shirt

Jeez…you’d think the O-Bamer said he’d give a hummer to OBL the way people have been jumping in his grill. All he said was that he’d talk to the bad guys. We’ll tell you right now…the bourgie motherhubbards that are ragging on the big “O” have NEVER been in a street fight. How do we know? ‘Cause anyone who has ever kicked the crap out of someone else (or had their own asses handed to ‘em) feels pretty silly afterward. Hell, with any sense of decency or morality, they probably feel really shitty. Just like your second grade teacher said, “Fighting never solved anything.”


Here’s the crux of the biscuit: Bush-Wipe was playing kissy-face with the COMMUNIST President of Vietnam earlier this year. Remember Vietnam? How many lives were uselessly lost fighting the very same communists we’re sucking up to right now?

China is America’s biggest trading partner. Remember fighting Communist Chinese and Koreans in the Korean War? How many lives were uselessly lost fighting the very same communists we’re sucking up to right now?

When Michael Moore went to Cuba while shooting “Sicko,” the Government-Cheese got their panties in a tweak because of the embargo against doing business there. Just a month earlier, Matt and his fivehead was in Cuba shooting a segment for the “Today Show”. Not a peep. Why? ‘Cause you can deal with ANY rat-bastard dictator if you’re a long-time politician or hosting a high-profile TV show. But, if you’re a Hollywood liberal, a democrat or a newbie you’re SOL.

(8.-)

Dog Bites Man...Media In A Frenzy!

We here at PTB are avid dog lovers. After all, some of our fondest memories were hangin' with Hercules.



If Michael Vick is convicted of the crimes he's accused of committing...he should get a long room reservation at the Gray Bar Motel...HOWEVER...



This is AMERICA where you're innocent 'til proven guilty (unless you're a swarthy foreigner...then you get slapped into Gitmo).



Don't forget the rush to judgment in the Duke Lacrosse case (we're talking to YOU Jesse Jackson!).



Until Vick gets his trial by a jury of his peers...and convicted...PETA, the Humane Society and the rest of the protesting rat-bastards should just STFU.



(8.-)

Spoiler Alert!!!

Well, here we are. The Harry Potter saga is deader than one of Michael Vick's best friends.

We knew this day would come but we never thought it would end in such a bizarre way.

Harry...gay?

Hermione and Ron having baby-daddy issues?

Professor Snape inappropriately touching students? EEEEK!

There were a LOT of twists but one thing that didn't surprise us...turns out Lord Voldemort really was a Dick.

That was more obvious than the Hagrid/BALCO storyline.

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Park Place?

Quality baseball will peak interest here for about two weeks. Then, the honeymoon'll be over.


What the hell kind of "mixed use" can you get out of a baseball field anyway? Water slide down the third base line? Internet cafes in the dugouts?


To make a profit with a AAA baseball team, you need butts in seats. The 775 just can't pull that off . We can't even support the teams already here. Besides, where you gonna put it?


Downtown Reno? Crappy Parking.


Sparks Marina? Renoites would commit seppuku.


There just aren't enough people in the 775 who'll drive to WHEREVER to see minor league baseball. Haiku says it all.



Where to build the park?

five thousand people needed

profits will be nil

(8.-)

Governor Buzzkill

Governor “Legal Defense Fund” thinks presidential candidates spend too much time in the Silver State.


Isn’t the motherhubbard’s job to get people to come here in the first place and not to chase 'em off?


Every time a Dem stops by, the 775 gets national coverage in the press, local big-wiggers get to schmooze with national big-wiggers and the regular schmos get to be close to someone famous.


Look Jim...if it were your Republican buddies "doin the do" here in the 775, you'd be dancin' the little toady dance...so tell the stick in your ass to take the stick out of its ass.


(8.-)

It Takes A Whole Lot O' Medicine to Pretend You're Somebody Else

We love us our ball here in the 775. We've been playing since the days back of Mr. Mertel's house.

As the Great Bambino's record gets closer to falling, we wanted to celebrate with a bit of haiku.


Barry breaks record

Innocent ‘til proved guilty

Throw the first stone…bitch


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Babies Makin' Babies

We've said it before...we'll say it again. You need a license to fish, you need a license to drive, some places even make you get a license for your dog but anyone can poop out a baby (in this case two). And don't believe for a minute this was all caused by the internet...or drugs...or Elvis' pelvis...

These two shouldn't be allowed to have any more children.

Global W(h)arming

How many $...spent on this tripe
could have been spent helping?



Just asking.


(8.-)