We could see it if John McCain would’ve picked With Romney or Rudi-In-The-Booty as his VP.But by picking Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, one smokin’ hot “VPILF”, it seems like the GOP is giving up on the November elections.If the tighty-righties wanted a grrl for the number two spot, they’d have been better off pickin’ Condi.BTW…has there ever been more rocket hot women in politics than right now?We think not.
According to a report from the Rand Corporation, “Current U.S. strategy against the terrorist group al Qaida has not been successful in significantly undermining the group's capabilities. Al Qaida has been involved in more terrorist attacks since Sept. 11, 2001, than it was during its prior history and the group's attacks since then have spanned an increasingly broader range of targets in Europe, Asia, the Middle East and Africa.”Here at PTB, we’ve been sayin’ that exact same thing for more than a half a decade.Regular readers can now, officially, look down their noses at the unwashed masses.
So, SparksMiddle School has gone Borg.Funny...while we’re big fans of the schoolgirl look here at PTB, we’ve gotta ask: “Isn’t that the very same thing those Godless Commie rat-bastard North Koreans do to their kids?Yup.
Well…it’s Labor Day weekend and y’all know what that means.No, we’re not talkin’ ‘bout a three day weekend.Heck, we live in the 775.Most of the folks up here got jobs that don’t give a schizzle what day it is.No, we’re talkin’ ‘bout the Jerry Lewis labor Day MDA Telethon.
FULL DISCLOSURE:This year’ll be the 12th Telethon we’ve been involved with.
Is the Nevada’s criminal justice system fair to the little guys? Does Nevada’s criminal justice system give preferential treatment to “big fish?” Check it…
Two blue-haired card dealers were arrested over the weekend. One was busted for placing a losing bet he had a stake in as a tip on a winning hand. Total cost of the theft? Nine dollars. The other dealer was accused of adding chips to his rack during a poker tournament. Total loss? ‘Bout twenty bucks. If convicted, the two face one to eight years in the calaboose. Pretty stiff time for $28.
Then there’s Jason McLean. This rat-bastard was convicted of embezzling almost $10,000 from a dead woman’s trust. He was accused of stealing more than $16,000 from a total of three trusts. McLean copped a plea and got…wait for it…wait for it….he got 120 days and PROBATION! So, who is Jason McLean? He’s the former public administrator of Lyon County. That’s right, a public servant, a politician, a big fish from a small pond.
So, the crux of today’s biscuit is simple. If you’re in the 775 and Reno-911 rolls up, you’d better hope you’ve got some juice pachuco. If not, be prepared to spend some time in little Gitmo.
Our favorite moment was her big entrance. Did you see the look on Slick Willie’s face? He was bawlin’ like he’d just won the Miss America Pageant and mouthing the words “I love you” over and over. It was kinda creepy but funny as hell ‘cause the first words outta Hil’s pie hole were, “I am honored to be here tonight…a proud mother, a proud Democrat, a proud American and a proud supporter of Barack Obama.” SNAP! Oh no she didn’t! Yes, she did! Not one mention of being a proud wife. Whadda ya think of that Slick Willie? That’s what you get for bangin’ yer butt-ugly intern. Still think that skank was worth it?
KO mentions it on a daily basis – the thought that “Support our troops” is a slogan rather than something politicians actually do. That’s an example of why we here at PTB make no secret of our disdain for politicians. But a story in the RGJ the other day really had us wondering WTF everybody’s thinking.
Remember, we’re fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, not with the Army, with the mother fuckin’ NATIONAL GUARD!!! What the hell ever happened to “One weekend a month and two weekends a year?” Some of those brothers and sisters have been in the Suck three and four and more times. Doin what? Playin’ strip mall security guards to a bunch of pissed off locals…that’s what occupation forces do.
and...are you better off now than you were eight years ago? If you are, you must work for Halliburton. If not, you could ask a couple of soldiers. But you know what they’d say.
There are two definite drawbacks to blogging and living in our 'rent’s basement.
The first is, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to get laid. Think about it. When most women find out where we live, they take off faster than Usain Bolt. Besides, a woman who’d wanna do the horizontal mambo in our parent’s basement probably isn’t the type of girl we’d wanna get down with in the first place. That’s a tough thing to say considering we have pretty low standards.
The second and worst drawback is the money, or lack thereof. Do you know how much scratch the average blogger makes? Bupkis. Here at PTB we’ve long known we’d spend our lives at the bottom of the economic ladder. We’ve even got a saying, “If it’s free it’s for PTB. If it costs money, later honey.” And that’s what has our Underoos in a bunch today.
We always thought politicians took your money AFTER they got elected. Not anymore. So now we have to fall back to plan “B.” We’re gonna go swipe a sign from some bourgie motherhubbard’s yard. They can afford it. We can’t.
A couple of months ago, Casey Anthony was asked by authorities where her baby was. Ms. Anthony said that her daughter had been with a babysitter for the last THIRTY DAYS but she didn’t know where the baby or the babysitter was located.
Mom gets sent to jail and refuses to cooperate with investigators. Police chase down leads but no baby found. Seems Ms. Anthony’s story was thin as heroin chic. Her assertions unraveled quicker than angora on a nail.
Yesterday, after being held in jail for almost two months, still no baby, still no cooperation…Casey Anthony got out on bail. WTF is up with THAT?
This kind of thing would NEVER happen in the 775. Makes you glad you don't live in the Lone Star State. One question...how fast would YOU drive to get your dying dog to the emergency vet?
The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…How come things are getting good right before the election? How come Russia decided to be a bad guy allegedly right before the election? We’re not conspiracy theorists here at PTB but we wouldn’t put anything past the Neocon Bush-Wipes. Fasten your seatbelts folks…this could be a bumpy ride.
Here at PTB, we’re always lookin’ for a cheap date. C’mon…living in Mom & Dad’s basement and blogging isn’t the quickest way to fame and fortune. But this week we got lucky.
Every year the NSF has cooking contests. Salsa, spaghetti sauce, cake, pie and cookie recipes are all vying for the blue ribbon. So, whadda you think they do with the stuff after the judges take their bites? They let the crowd come up and sample the stuff. That’s right…free food.
Here’s what we do. We bring our dates to the cooking contest and drop lines like, “The frosting compliments this cake’s texture.” Or, “The cilantro in this salsa is a tad over-used.” By the time we get finished, the girls think we’re the brother from Hell’s Kitchen. They’re totally impressed and all for zero cash. He shoots, he SCORES!
So, grab your euphemism and head on out to the Nevada State fair this week. It sure beats those fancy French restaurants. The Frogs never could find a way to put a Ferris wheel into a dining room.
Imagine you have a toothache. OUCH. What’s the first thing you do? Call your dentist? Good idea. Reach for a bottle of Advil? Nice choice. Hit the sauce? It’s the poor man’s Advil. Ramble down to the drugstore and get a tube of Orajel? Couldn’t hurt. What we’re trying to say is, the first thing on your mind isn’t, “Please God, heal my toothache.” Why? ‘Cause that kind of voodoo won’t heal your abscessed molar and all but the most fervent believer knows that.
Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that JZeuscan heal a mortals wound. WTF gives you the right to get fixed? Don’t you think God is a little busy with the poor motherhubbards in Darfur? Ever seen the people in the slums of Rio? Do you know what an Untouchable from India goes through? Probably not, if you’re asking Yahweh to fix your toofus while the rest of the world suffers unimaginable horrors.
No, if you’re checkin’ out and askin’ the Big Guy for help…you’re grasping at straws. Besides, if you’re gonna meet your Maker, wouldn’t it kinda cheese Him off if you’d rather do it later rather than sooner?
NBC’s coverage of this year’s Olympics has been piss-poor, to put it kindly. C’mon, synchronized diving? That sport would be a LOT better crossed with skeet shooting. You gotta hit both divers before they hit the water. We’d surely watch THAT.
But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple: We get hours and hours of gymnastics, swimming, beach volleyball and yes, synchronized diving but it’s often tape-delayed and it’s never the sports we want to watch when we wanna watch ‘em. NBC.com to the rescue! We logged on the other night, checked the pull down menu and started watching stuff right away.
Now, y’all might be sayin’, “But we love watching synchronized diving.” Fair enough. But you wanna know the coolest thing about watching the Olympics on the net? No announcers, no commercials and no schedules. YEE HAW!!!
It’s been a wild first week at the Beijing Olympics. We’re not complaining, mind you. As a matter of fact we love this stuff. For the end of the week, we haiku some of our favorites…
“But the commission dropped the charges,” you say. Yup. THOSE charges. The one that wasn’t dropped was the charge that he was on steroids. No argument there. You see, at the beginning of Gilbert’s hearing, he (and his lawyer) proposed a settlement in which all but the steroid charge would be dropped. That’s right. Gilbert wanted to settle and he was gonna cop to ‘roidin’ to get it. No such luck. The NAC gave Gilbert a one year suspension (with time served) fined him 10k and still hold the ‘roid charge against him.
Turns out the Big Bad Bear isn’t dead after all. Russia is puttin’ a beatdown on their little runaway -- Georgia. Most Americans hear that sorta news and wonder how that’ll affect the upcoming SEC football season. That’s the wrong Georgia guys. ANYWAY…
Yup…old Uncle Fester is saber rattling. He yaps that Georgia is one of our BFF’s and that we’ll stick our wieners in the blender to help ‘em out. No mention of how broken our armed forces are ‘cause of Iraq and Afghanistan. Nope…just threats of violence. Here’s the crux of our biscuit today:
Here at PTB we love us some elections. Any time you can wake up and head out to the polls to vote, is a great day. Alas…we might be the only people in the 775 that actually show up at the polls today. Here is a scary stat…
There are 1.1 million registered voters in Nevada. Officials expect a 15% turnout today. That means 165,000 voters will decide the future of 2.5 million people. SHEESH! WTF is up with that?
In Russia, Election Day is a holiday. Its one big politics orgy and 99% of the people…not 99% of registered voters…but 99% of all eligible voters cast ballots. And the USofA can only manage 15%. We’re number one? Hardly.
We’ve got no use for those of you out there that don’t vote. The world is goin’ straight down the shitter and you can’t even cast your ballot? Losers. You deserve the slow, painful, lingering death that will befall you.
When the organizers of London’s 2012 opening ceremony saw what the Chinese did, they promptly upchucked haggis all over their designer suits. The only way London’s OC could top Beijing’s is if they stage a full-scale reenactment of the Battle of Waterloo. Good luck with that.
Did you see Bush-Wipe at the OC? At one point he was looking restless and bored…much like an OCD 10-year-old sitting through a church service. All of a sudden he started using his little American Flag like a drumstick…tapping it on his leg in time to the music. Nice job Chimp-Dick. And you wanted a Constitutional Amendment to outlaw flag burning? You are a failure, an embarrassment and a hypocrite! You cannot be gone soon enough.
Last thing about the OC. Did you see the Hungarian team make their entrance? Their unis looked like they just came out of a paintball game!
Olympic drinking games. You’ve gotta drink whenever... 1. You hear the Olympic anthem. 2. You hear the Olympic fanfare. 3. Bob Costas says something that makes you cringe (for professional drinkers only). 4. China wins gold. That last one is a flash back to McDonalds’ 1984 debacle.
Gold, silver and bronze in Women’s Saber all went to Americans. WOO HOO!!! Never thought we’d see that in our lifetimes. After the medal ceremony the girls went over to get congratulations fromformer President Bush. One of the fencers started to cry and what did GHWB do? He pulled his snot rag out of his back pocket and gave it to her so she could dry her sniffles. Made us wanna hurl.
ANYWAY…we’ve got 13 more glorious days of Olympics still to come. If the first three days were any indication, we’re all in for one helluva ride.
Food? Puh-leeze. If the high-fructose corn syrup doesn’t kill you, the Salmonella will. Besides, the rule around here is no food near the keyboard and the keyboard is where we are most of the time.
Drugs & Alcohol? Nope. With what we’ve seen out there in Cyberia, we don’t need chemicals to make our heads spin. Besides, unless you’re a celebrity or a big-shot honcho or a bourgie rich white dude they’ll throw you in the hoosegow and throw away the key for doin’ that stuff.
What we love most about the Olympics is the fact that everyone is there for one reason…to compete. We’ve long held the thought that if countries could settle their differences on the playing fields instead of the battlefields; the world would be a lot better off. For the next two weeks…it will be.
Seven years in Gitmo and all the brother did was chauffer OBL’shoopty. Is this what WPE meant when he said military commissions will only deal with the “worst of the worst”? Is this the highest level terrorist we could come up with? And we’ve gotta ask: Can you really go to jail merely because your boss was a prick and you knew it? Hell, if that’s the case, anyone working under the Bush-Wipes, the Donald or at WalMart could be Git-moed too.
The crux of today’s biscuit is simple: If they can hold someone without due process for seven years because he’s labeled an “enemy combatant”, who says they won’t do it to any of us?
Greatest country in the world? Hardly. Worst government in American history? Hell yes.
One last note: If GWB gets popped for war crimes...what happens to the pilot of Air Force One? Just asking.
Front and center on the RGJ sports page today: “Reno Who?” The story is about the perceived lack of progress being made by the new Triple-A baseball franchise. Funny, all Branch Rickey and the boys had to do was read us here at PTB. We’d set ‘em straight. So, just in case B.R. stops by, we’re gonna make our point again. Reno’s new baseball team should be named the Reno Diamonds.
There you have it…five excellent reasons why the newest team in the 775 should be called the Diamonds. We do have a worry though. Seems the P.R./marketing guys the team is using to find a name is called the “Carol Infranca and Associates marketing and public relations firm." YIKES! That’s the best name C.I. could come up with? If they're allowed to name the new team, they’ll probably call ‘em the Reno Baseball Team. Well, at least the Reno Bighorns is already taken.
The crux of today's biscuit is simple: Drugs should be legalized. All drugs. Nicotine and alcohol are legal and they're two of the most harmful substances out there. Why are they legal? 'Cause tighty-righties make lots of cash selling the stuff. Who makes money off of sellin' Mary Jane and blow? Brown-skinded brothers. See what we mean? If you're gonna let people smoke cigars and cigarettes and if you're letting them drink alcohol, you've got no right to tell 'em what they CAN'T imbibe. Don't believe us?
It seems that the Rail City wants to bail out of the RSCVA. We can understand that. Sparks NEVER got props from the RSCVA. We do wonder...if Sparks is gonna form its own bureau, where they gonna get the money to pay for it? Just asking.
It has been a staple on college campuses from the dawn of time. It is a sport that can be played equally well by men and women. The competition is quick, intense, sometimes bordering on insanity. And now buzzkills around the country want it all to stop. WTF are we talking about? Beer Pong.
Georgetown, The University of Pennsylvania, Yale, U-Mass and Tufts are only a few of the schools forbidding the evil game. Heck, entire towns in New Jersey have illegal-ized the sport. In Utah, they probably throw you in prison if they catch you BP’ing. Their reasoning is simple: Kids who play Beer Pong tend to drink beer. Maybe a bit too much beer. No kidding.
But what is the reasoning behind prohibiting people of legal age from playing Beer Pong? Belmar, New Jersey’s city council passed an ordinance declaring that outdoor BP “exposed unconsenting neighbors to foul language, rowdy and disorderly behavior and examples of the consumption of alcohol under circumstances that are detrimental.”
Look guys. Drinking alcohol is detrimental no matter what. Banning a game ‘cause people drink while doing it is stupid. You wanna know what kids will do when you take away their Beer Pong? They’ll invent a new game…like sitting in front of the television with a case of Keystone and every time a commercial for Viagra or Cialis comes on, they’ll slam a beer. They call it “Beer Dong.”
Pickling The Beast is rants, ramblings and thought burbles spewed from the brain pan of pj Connolly. If you're sensitive, thin-skinned or easily offended...get to clickin' the hell outta here. Otherwise, enjoy.
The truth shall set you free...then it'll come back to bite you in the ass and make you pay.
So, David Duchovny has checked into rehab ‘cause he’s a sex addict. Hey DD, you’re married to Tia Leone…you’d BETTER be a sex addict! Heck, you used to be a Hollywood A-Lister, You probably got more trim in one week of X-Files than we’ve gotten in our whole lives.
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