Must Be Monday

Bookies from Down Under are holding back payin’ the folks who bet the ‘Bamer would be the next Commander-In-Chief of the USofA. They say he could get JFK’d before he’s inaugurated. SHEESH! Talk about puttin’ a noonan on the guy. Look, there a lot of BSC, redneck, huckleberries out there and you know they wanna stir the shit. But if the powers that be can’t protect the President from some wack-job, why are they there in the first place? Besides…if someone wanted to wax a U.S. President, they’d have knocked off Chimp-Dick. Worst. President. Ever.





Good to see political observers here in the 775 thinkin’ that VPILF Sarah Palin has a bright future in the Republican Party. YEE HAW! Now, y’all know we love the ladies here at PTB -- best thing the Good Lord ever made. But if Caribou Barbie is the best female the tighty-righties can come up with, they’re in deep doo doo. C’mon guys… she didn’t know what countries made up NAFTA, she thought Africa was a country and she thought foreign policy experience was seeing Russia out her back door. YIKES! The Republican Party has officially become the party of dolts. Ronald Reagan must be spinning in his grave.



And finally today…we’ve gotta give credit where credit is due. Over the weekend THE University of Nevada put a tub-thumpin’ on Fresno State. The way the Wolf Pack played Saturday, you’d think they could beat the friggin' Pittsburgh Steelers. But that’s the problem we’ve always had with the Pack…one week they look like world-beaters, the next week...just weak. Consistency is the key for a good football program. Here’s hoping we get more of it. After all…it’s much better to be playing a bowl game between Christmas and New Years than to be playing in a bowl the week before Thanksgiving.



(8.-)

Envy the Country That Has Heroes...Pity the Country That Needs 'Em

With the the 'Bamer takin' office this week, we figured we'd give y'all a weekend video full of hope and a little gray matter. We're gonna need it.


(8.-)

Thursday Thought Burbles

SHEESH. A brother gets elected President and the stock market dumps 400 points. If you ever wondered how many crackers run Wall Street, wonder no more.



Today the ‘Bamer gets his first daily security briefing. Do you think he’ll ignore the “Bin Laden intent on Flying Planes into the World Trade Center” memo? Chimp-Dick did. The ‘Bamer won’t.



It’s good to see more than eighty percent of eligible voters in the NV bellied up to the polls. We bet a big slice of those folks voted early. Like we’ve said before…voting should last all month. We’ve got to give folks every opportunity to get out there.



Thirty-seven civilians dead from a U.S. airstrike in Afghanistan. They were at a friggin’ wedding for cryin’ out loud. This is the kind of clusterfuck that keeps people hatin’ on Americans. Wanna make a couple dozen new terrorists? Just blow up a wedding party. That’ll do it.



Alaska…the most socialist state in the union, wants to keep it that way. It looks like the folks up north are gonna reelect Ted Stevens. SHEESH! The guy is a convicted felon but he keeps his job ‘cause he brings in so much pork for the state. Bridge to nowhere anyone?



FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you watch television, we here at PTB get one million dollars. A new study out says that kids who watch sexy TV shows are more likely to get pregnant than those who watch stuff like the Disney Channel. Puh-Leeze. Hey parents…television shows don’t get your teen preggers…intercourse does. What sucks here is that mom & pop need a scapegoat when little Timmy or little Buffy makes a baby so they blame the boob tube. Think about it…if sexy TV shows make it more likely you’ll get knocked up…we’d better keep the little ones away from daytime soap operas!



(8.-)

And They're Off...

Well...It's 9:00am in the A.M. here in the 775. That means all fifty states are up and voting. YEEE HAWWW!!! We're gonna be down here in the basement all day and all night groovin' on this shizzle. This election is gonna be one big belligerent multi-media roller coaster...and we're all over it. First problems? FLORI-DUH. Sunshine State is still havin' the same problems this morning that they were having two weeks ago. SHEESH! Greatest democracy in the friggin' world and we can't even have a smooth election. Let's just hope no one calls out the jack-booted Stormtroopers...Umm...actually, that would make for a wild night.


(8.-)

One Last Day

Just a couple of quick thoughts on this Monday before Voting Day...


Captain Kirk is miffed ‘cause he wasn’t invited to “Mr. Sulu’s Gay Wedding” and the people skidmarking their Underoos are pissin’ and moanin’ ‘bout gays getting married. They're right…if we let gays get married, how long ‘til we get Human/Vulcan marriage? EWWW!!! Yo TJ Hooker, stop by our place…you can get free shrimp and stuff down here in the basement. Mom & dad had a party over the weekend.



Quick question…if military service makes John McCain “prepared” to be president…why didn’t that go into the win column for John Kerry or against Chimp-Dick in 2004?



Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was found guilty but he’s fightin’ the verdict ‘cause there was no compelling evidence. He thinks he’ll get off. Nevada hoopster Brandon Fields WAS guilty but the popo says they’ve got no evidence. They dropped the charges so he got off. Jeez guys…you get everything you need handed to you anyway. Another example of the cute and fuzzy bunnies thinkin’ they’re above us common-folk.




Here at PTB we’re glad to see that public schools will be closed on election day. WOO HOO!!! The RGJ says that it’ll minimize confusion and make more parking available for voters. SHEESH! We had no idea all those middle schoolers were drivin’ their mom’s hoopty wagon to school.


Boogity Boogity say the tighty-righties. If the Dems get control of the House, the Senate and the executive branch (SCOTUS doesn’t count) they’ll run wild. Funny, tighty-righty didn’t say anything about when they were all in the driver’s seat. Guess the last eight years are kind of an embarrassment to ‘em.


If you think someone is snakin’ your stuff on Halloween…do you really have to pop thirty rounds from your AK into the door? Whatever happened to expecting people coming to your door on October 31st?



Glad to see Moammar Gaddafi and Libya getting off the schneid. We’ve always had a soft spot for MoMo. He paid big scratch to the victims of the Lockerbie bombing. Guess you can buy your way outta anything. Yo MoMo…give Senator Stevens a call…he’s gonna need help.


(8.-)

You Are What You Urp

It's not a pretty sight...Tecate & Candy Corn…so much for holiday dinners…but it gave us pause and got us to thinkin' 'bout the scariest things we saw this Halloween...



We saw Sarah Palin hangin' around...


and the guy lookin’ for Osama Bin Laden…


We ran across across Nevada's chances of gettin’ a berth in a bowl game...


and we saw the last drop of H20 in the entire friggin' 775...


Any way you look at it, there are a lot of scary things out there on All Hallows Eve. Just be careful what you put in your pie-hole when you get home. Remember...garbage in/garbage out.


(8.-)

People to Invite to Your Halloween Party

BOOGITY! BOOGITY!! BOOGITY!!!


Here in the 775 (and down in the 702) we celebrate Nevada Day today. All y'all others out there call it Halloween. Either way...make it fun, make it spooky and remember...if you REALLY wanna be scared...just look at the National Debt. YIKES!


(8.-)

Racist to the White House

There are few things that scare the bejeezus out of us more than these motherhubbards in a voting booth. You’d think that the USofA would be living in the 21st century. You’d be wrong. Funny thing is…we had to find this clip from Al Jazeera. Liberal media? We think not. Only one week ‘til the election folks. Vote early. Vote often. Or let these bass-ackward, redneck, huckleberries speak for you.


(8.-)

We Couldn't Agree More

You've gotta believe, that if there was a quote like this from the 'Bamer, we would have seen it by now. Nope. It makes us wonder how this guy thinks he's qualified to be president. One thing we do agree on...Western, PA is full of bass-ackward, redneck, racist, huckleberries. Thank the Invisible Man in the Sky that we live in the 775!


(8.-)

Shave and a Haircut...Two Bits

Question: If the RNC shelled out $150,000 to dress Caribou Barbie…doesn’t that make the $200 John Edwards spent on a haircut seem kinda piddly?



Yesterday, VPILF Sarah Palin said that the election is “in God’s hands.” Question: If the Palin/McCain ticket loses, does that mean that God hates republicans or just Governor Palin? Does it mean JZeus' Dad likes Barack Obama? That would be one hell of an endorsement.



Speaking of endorsements…over the weekend Former Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed the ‘Bamer. That was enough for us. Colin Powell is a big hero ‘round here at PTB. What followed though, made us wanna ralph. For the last few days, the tighty-righties have been hammering Powell. Seems they think he’s some kinda traitorous, terrorist-lovin’, un-American, elitist, liberal. Ya know, we don’t mind those terms bein’ used against almost anyone…but Colin Powell? C’mon. Anyone questioning Powell’s patriotism or judgment needs to have their head examined.


(8.-)

Mourning Moon and Night

Here at PTB, we always wanted to be astronauts. That’s before we found out you needed to know all that science and math stuff. SHEESH! What does a brother have to do to get hooked up with an alien babe? ANYWAY…



The crux of today’s biscuit is simple…



With China pushing the envelope with their first spacewalk and India launching their first probe to the moon WTF are we doing with our money? Spending it bailing out bourgie motherhubbard banking & credit douchebags and blowing the rest on two unwinnable wars. JZeus-Friggin-Christo. So much for being number one. We haiku our displeasure:



Not since Apollo
Have we been in the space race.
Now we watch others.



Why are we still here?
Space is the final frontier.
Let’s get up and go!



Others launch there now
We waste our money on crap.
The future looks dim.



(8.-)

Tuesday's "Gone With The Wind"

Yesterday the Sparks City Council approved a rezoning plan that will lead to almost 3,000 new homes in the Spanish Springs area. YIKES! Who’s gonna pay for the new roads, new schools, new police and fire stations? Taxpayers. Who is gonna benefit from the new development? Developers, builders and the councilpersons in their pocket. Good thing we're in the middle of a drought, elsewise they would have approved 100,000 new houses. These guys should all be voted out of office, recalled or impeached.



Last night Dean Heller and Jill Derby ‘bated over in Elko. It got a little snippy but we want more. How ‘bout we get ‘em together next time in an MMA-type “Ring of Death”? We’d pay to watch that. Funny though…we’d make the skeevy metrosexual a decided underdog to Battle Mountain rancher lady. First time he chipped a fingernail, he’d quit.



VPILF Sarah Palin is in the 775 today. Talk about shitty timing. How in the world can anyone get off work or school in the middle of the day for something like that? We would have loved to go to the rally if for nothing else than to yell bukkake jokes at her and see if we could get perp-walked by the S.S.



Ivanka Trump is on the stump today. If we were lesser men she’d be set on us still. But that’s not the point. Beelzebub’s demon seed is touting the health benefits and the cost-savings of bringing your own lunch to work. Hey ‘Vank…we’re poor…we’ve been brown baggin’ it most of our lives. Tell you what…give us some of daddy’s money and we’ll eat out at bourgie hot spots on a daily basis then tour the country tellin’ Huckleberries to DIY.



Finally, an 89-year-old woman in Ohio is in the Gray Bar Motel today for…wait for it…wait for it…Not giving back a football some punk kids threw into her yard! JZeus-Friggin’-Christo. Let’s see…for the cost of poppin’ granny, bookin’ her, holding her, trying her and all the rest, the PoPo could have bought a hundred footballs. Yo, Marshall Dillon…don’t you have a buckeye you could be rousting?



(8.-)

Monday Moaning Comin' Down

You’ve gotta kinda feel sorry for Senator John McCain. After all, with Colin Powell endorsing the ‘Bamer this weekend, was like your parents sitting you down and telling you they’ve always liked your younger sibling better. YIKES!



C’mon…ask yourself. We’re you really that surprised to hear that Marcia Brady was all into the cocaine and sex thing back in the ‘70’s? We didn’t think so. Put it to you this way…if you were a child actor in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s and you DIDN’T fill up your holes with coke and the nasty…THAT would have been a shocker.



While we’re on the subject of sex…there’s a new movie coming out called Zack and Miri Make a Porno. The previews looked funny enough but the tighty-righties in the conservative media think that the term “Make a Porno” is obscene. So what happened? The filmmakers took the term off all their advertisements. WTF? Anyone thinking kids don’t know what a porno is, just isn’t paying attention. We think its parents who don’t want to talk to their kids about sex. After all, inserting tab “A” into slot “B” isn’t anyone’s business but the Republican party’s.



Finally today…it warmed our proverbial cockles seeing such a large turnout for early voting here in the 775. Nothing smells like democracy more than a voting booth. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. The Government-Cheese should expand voting to the whole month of November. That would give everyone a chance to vote. If not the whole month…at least a voting holiday. People sure would pay more attention to it than say…President’s Day.




(8.-)

Vote Early. Vote Often. Wear as Little as Possible.

Early voting opens tomorrow here in the 775 and you know what that means...Chimp-Dick is on his way OUT! Either way you slice it, no one could be a crappier Commander-In-Chief than GWB.


That being said, voting is your most powerful tool as an American. You don't like the way things are going...vote the rat-bastards out of office. Remember, if you don't vote, you can't complain.


Judging by the amount of complaining we do here at PTB, you can tell we vote. And, like the title of this post suggests...we vote early, we vote often and, this year, we're gonna cast our ballots in our skivvies. See ya at the polls. We'll be the ones suffering from severe "shrinkage."


(8.-)

Gluttony or Punishment

The Government-Cheese has spent hundreds of billions of dollars bailing out credit card companies so those companies can give Joe the Plumber credit he doesn’t have to buy more crap that he really doesn’t need. We’ve become a country filled with consumer assholes. Sad, really. But since we’re (allegedly) a “Christian nation”, we’ve gotta ask, “What would JZeus do about Haiti? Those folks sure are in a world of hurt. It makes our financial crisis look petty in comparison.




We always remember what the Son of the Invisible Man in the Sky says about “the least of my children”…something along the lines of whatever you do to them you do to Me. Is there a country in the Western Hemisphere more in need than Haiti? No. And what does the USofA do to help? Nothing. So, we’re trotting out our old standby, hoping PTB readers will step up to the proverbial plate (no pun intended).




By clicking this link, you’ll be directed to “Free Rice.com” Answer questions on English vocabulary, geography, chemistry, math, even classic art and for every right answer, they’ll donate rice to the United Nations Food Bank. It doesn’t cost anything but some time and a few brain cells, you’ll be doing more for starving people in the world than any bobblehead politician and if you believe, you might even get props from JZeus himself. Reward enough for any true "Christian."


(8.-)

Moral Minority

Our friends on the right keep reminding us how much we rag on Republican politicians. That may be so, but we remind ‘em back that we’re equal opportunity haters here at PTB. That’s why we were psyched to hear about the travails of U.S. Representative Tim Mahoney.


Mahoney, a Florida Democrat, won his seat by promising to “return morals and family values to Washington” after Republican Mark Foley resigned. You remember creepy Mark Foley dontcha? He’s the skeezer that got busted sending lurid text messages to male pages. Icky. Turns out Mahoney is just as icky. Seems he’s been’ boinkin’ a couple of hotties on the side without telling his wife. Uh oh.



Now, we don’t really mind people cheating on their spouses. Heck, in Europe if you don’t cheat, you’re not tryin’. No, what we do mind is the hypocrisy of these two douchebags and the rest of their ilk. Look, if you’re cheating…go for it. Heck, have one on us. But if you ARE cheating, quit with the holier-than-thou crap and the God references and the family values shtick. Because on the outside, you spout fire and brimstone about people putting tab “A” into slot “B”, you get all insulted over Janet Jackson’s niblet and all the while, on the inside, you’re just as pervy as the rest of us. You might not be able to see it…but we can.



(8.-)

Donald...DUCK!

Here at PTB we’re not necessarily anti-religion – anyone who wants to believe in an Invisible Man in the Sky…more power to you. After all, that’s what America is about…we can believe in anything we want and the Government-Cheese (for the most part) has to STFU. No, what gets our Underoos in a bunch is the hypocrisy and the overall BSC things people do in the name of religion…just ask Leo DaVinci.



A couple of days back, Saudi Arabian cleric Sheik Muhammad Munajid was pissed. He was so mad, in fact, that he issued a fatwa. We never could understand how men of God could give out death sentences like they were hors d’oeuvre samplers at WalMart but we digress…



Munajid asked his followers to kill what he described as “one of Satan’s soldiers.” Cool…we always wondered who Beelzebub’s Rambo was…for a time we just figured it was George W. Bush. Alas, we were wrong. But who could be the big bad bringer of evil and what could he have done to get an invitation to take a dirt nap? Munajid issued his fatwa against…wait for it…wait for it…



Mickey Mouse. SHEESH!



According to the Sheik, everything Mickey touches becomes impure. He went on to say that under Sharia law, “Both household mice and their cartoon counterparts must be killed.” Now, we understand needing to control rodents in and around the house. No one wants to wake up with the Hantavirus. But you don’t need a fatwa for that…just buy a cat. But Mickey Mouse? The only thing less dangerous than Mickey is the Russian Army. Sure, that squeaky voice is enough to drive anyone crazy and those red pants are WAY gay but to issue a fatwa? Puh-leeze. Yo Sheik…grab a clue. If you don’t like Mickey Mouse, don’t send your minions on a suicide mission…just grab the remote and turn off the fuckin’ T.V. That’ll make things easy on all of us. Especially Minnie.




(8.-)

Clock Stopper

Back in the late ‘80’s Manhattan real estate developer, Seymour Durst put up the first National Debt Clock. He was cheesed off ‘cause America was in the hole to the tune of a couple o’ trillion dollars. Bad news folks. We're more than ten trillion down as we speak.



The national debt has grown so much in the past few timescales that the National Debt Clock has now run out of friggin’ numbers. SHEESH! Eight years of Chimp-Dick’s Administration and twelve out of the last fourteen years of Congress under Republican control and we’re swimming in an ocean of red ink.



The crux of today’s biscuit is simple: If you believe that the Republican Party is the party of fiscal responsibility, you’re dumb as a sack of doorknobs. If you believe that the Democrats are gonna raise your taxes, you’d be right. After all, someone has to pay for all this shizzle. Us.



(8.-)

Sound Effects Are Expensive

Well...with the shizzle droppin' to shoe level, we wanted to lighten up your day. Just remember, you can't lose any more money in the Stock Market because its closed on the weekend. Thank the Invisible Man in the Sky for small miracles.

Why We Love Parody

This is a parody of the spot above. Be careful...these guys are pretty cool.


(8.-)

Yogi Wants A Doughnut

So, VPILF Sarah Palin is related to the late Princess Diana. Hmmm…do you think if the McCain/Palin ticket wins the White House and Senator McRelic takes a dirt nap, that the Governor will take over and declare herself Queen of the United States? Palin is also related to FDR but don't look for her to get us out of the depression Chimp-Dick got us into. That's not her style.







Shhh….listen. Can you hear it? No? Neither can we. That cone of silence is Bill and Hillary Clinton campaigning for the ‘Bamer. Sure they wanted change in the White House…they just wanted it to be them moving back in. Hey guys…the ‘90’s are OVER. Sore. Losers.

The RGJ conducted a poll that says Skeevy Dean Heller is leading Jill “I’ve lived in Nevada for a hundred years” Derby. Another poll shows Senator McDust Bucket leading the ‘Bamer here in the 775. Question: are the people of Northern Nevada dumb, racist, oblivious to history or just plain BSC? Here’s hoping it’s the latter.



And finally…



Former Nevada hoops standout Kirk Snyder can’t seem to get a job in the big show. He’s lookin’ at ballin’ in either Europe or Asia. Hey Nick Fazekas! Hey JaVale McGee! Y’all payin’ attention? Sure hope y’all save yer money. Elswise you’ll both be back here in the 775 trapping bears.



(8.-)

Hump Day...Already?

Looks like the little scamp that hacked VPILF Sarah Palin’s e-mail is gonna get hisself a new room at the Gray Bar Motel. Funny, the VPILF’s hacker gets indicted within two weeks of his crime and we’ve got thousands of “Enemy Combatants” in Gitmo…many who’ve been there for five or more years…and only one – ONE has been charged with a crime. Land of the Free? Nope.





Governor Jim Gibbons is back in the news. Well, at least he’s somewhere. The evil, American-hating media elitists down at the Las Vegas Sun found out GJG spent just 12 days in his office in the months of August and September. Looks like Gibby learned his work habits from Chimp-Dick. We wax poetic in haiku:


Governor Gibbons…
we elected your dumb ass
to get some work done!


Out of the office?
Important things somewhere else?
Soon you will be gone.


A Public Servant
should fuckin’ serve the public
not your large ego.





One last quickie on last night’s Presidential debate. Remember how we were suggesting drinking games? Bad. Idea. Last night the PTB’ers gathered ‘round the tube with mucho nachos and myriad shots of Tequila. The game? Take a shot every time Old Senator Dust Bucket used the term “My friends” and every time the ‘Bamer said, “Understand.” YIKES! We’re gonna have to apologize to mom & dad for what ensued. Technicolor Yawn anyone? Yup. Porcelain God Worship? You betcha! Icky! This morning when we headed out, there were people still passed out in the driveway. The smart money says they’ll still be there tonight. Can’t wait for Word War III.



(8.-)

Word War II

It’s gonna be a great day here at PTB. We treasure these political debates like they were the Super Bowl. Ah, the life of civics geeks. ANYWAY…we know that not all y’all are as pumped for Word War II as we are so we’ll let you in on a game we used to (and sometimes still do) play.


Before the debate, get together a bunch of points about the candidates that you can bet on like:


Who will mention 9-11 first?

Who will mention “main Street” first?

What color tie will the ‘Bamer wear?

What color tie will John McCain wear?

How many times will John McCain wink at the crowd?


See? It’s that easy. Get your friends together, make your bets and let the game begin!



During the debate, every time a candidate uses the words…

Bailout
Economy
Terrorism
9/11
Raise Taxes
Corporate Welfare
Surrender

…or a host of other words, you just know they’re gonna use, everyone in the room has to take a drink of their preferred beverage. Simple. Know anyone who doesn't drink? N/P. Just substitute the words above with…

Iraqi Government
Dead American Soldiers
My Washington Experience
Afghan Civilian Deaths
George W. Bush


…more than likely the above terms won’t be used at all. That’ll spare your teetotaler friend the hassle of getting blasted.




So you see, you can have a fun time at tonight’s debate even if you don’t give a fat-rat’s-ass who wins or loses. As for us…we’re frothing at the bit just waiting for kickoff!


(8.-)

Manic Monday

Ummm…wasn’t $700 BILLION supposed to help the Stock Market? Guess not. Next time Chimp-Dick opens his pie hole and declares a state of emergency if we don’t act rapidly…don’t listen. $700 BILLION down the toilet. Wonder how much education, healthcare or infrastructure we could have bought for that kind of scratch? Lots.




BTW…the guy they’re putting in charge of the $700 BILLION bailout? A former executive at Goldman Sachs. JZeus Friggin’ Christo! That’s like letting the fox guard the hen house. WTF? Is ANYONE paying attention out there? Apparently not.




The Juice was convicted of something-or-other over the weekend. Question: Isn’t 1995 over? SHEESH! We give this has-been more airtime than the war in Iraq. Liberal media? We think not.




Nevada’s football team fusticated the Idaho Vandals this weekend. Thinkin’ ‘bout it, we’ve figured that aside from Alaska, the Dakotas and Montana, Idaho is the worst college football team in the nation who’s named after their entire state. Think the Wolf Pack would beat say…Texas? Florida? Oklahoma? Hell no…we’d get beat a hundred to absolute bupkis!




Speaking of Nevada sports…the women’s FOOTIE team ended their 2008 non-conference schedule…wait for it…wait for it…0-9-2. YIKES!!! Two years ago, Cary “Dumb as A Sack of Doorknobs” Groth dismissed NAME REDACTED for “The good of the team.” Groth said that the squad needed a new direction. Ummm…is this the direction she meant? The soccer team used to be the most exciting team on campus. Not anymore. Thanks Cary. Who the hell did you used to work for…Lehman Brothers? If this was any other school in the nation, Groth would be puttin’ in her app to work at the drive through.




Lastly, Virgin Galactic, you know, the guys getting paid for launching tourists into space? They turned down a million dollars to let a company film a sex scene in earth orbit. Bummer. We’d have paid to see that one. VG didn’t give a reason why they turned down that kind of scratch but we have an idea. If they took people up to Earth orbit so they could do the “Horizontal Mambo” they couldn’t very well keep the name “Virgin” Galactic, could they?


(8.-)

Friday Nitght Lite

We get this here clip from our own Brewcat. That bad motherhubbard sure mixes a mean cocktail and finds some of the best vids on the net. Enjoy your weekend...

(8.-)