Phoning it In

It seemed to us like George W. Bush was president forever. While it might have felt like an eternity, the numbers don't lie. Out of the 2,920 days the Chimp-Dick was in office, he spent...wait for it...wait for it...1,020 days on vacation, breaking the old mark sent by Ronald "I don't remember" Reagan. That's one third of his entire time as pResident on VACATION! Talk about fiddlin' while Rome burns...We haiku our thoughts.

He's out in Texas

while the country goes to hell.

He'll be down there soon.

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Thought Burbles

Luther Mack has always been one of our favorite people. After all, he’s one of the few brown-skinded brothers who own businesses here in Cracker City. So when we heard that Mack and Associates is gonna sell their 11 McDonalds here in the 775, it was like finding a turd in the punch bowl. Total. Bummer. Godspeed Luther. Don't let the rednecks get you down!



The Government-Cheese over in Virginia City is worried about a proposed wind farm. In typical NIMBY fashion, Storey County Planning Commissioners said that the turbines would detract from V.C.’s charm and historic nature. Funny, this is the same place that brings tourists in with its world famous outhouse races. Hmmm…they race toilets down main street but they think a wind farm might be inappropriate. NIMBY indeed.



Much ado is being made of the swearing in ceremony at yesterday’s inauguration. Seems Chief Justice Roberts couldn’t quite remember the words. What struck home for us though was the last three words uttered by J-Rob and the ‘Bamer…”so help me God.” We looked up the oath in a little thing we like to call “THE United States Constitution” and the words “so help me God” are nowhere to be found. They just tacked that shit on to the end. You know…if JZeus’ Dad gave a rat’s ass about the USo’A, he would have done something about the smarmy chimp-dick that was in power for the last eight years. Alas, His silence was deafening.



The Taliban shows us again why the world thinks they’re BSC. Militants in western Pakistan are warning bus drivers to not play music or videos for passengers ‘cause it spreads “vulgarity and obscenity.” To paraphrase Xander Cage, “C’mon Dicks, it’s only music.” Actually, if the music was Britney Spears or the movies starred Madonna or Ben Affleck, we could see their point.



And finally today…up at THE University of Nevada, the school paper ran an editorial demanding the impeachment of Governor Jim Gibbons. Hey, we thought that was our job! Kudos to the staffers at the Sagebrush for separating the taint from the balls but take our words of wisdom…you’ve got to take a powerful piss to piss off powerful people so watch out where you’re sprayin’.




(8.-)

Oh Happy Day

Free at last… Free at last…Great googly moogly… Free at last!



Man…we never thought we’d see this day. Finally, a brown-skinded brother as president of the United States. YEEHAW! Guess they’re gonna have to change the name of the White House, neh?



Just a couple of quick thought burbles from today’s Inauguration…



During the ‘Bamer’s speech, every time he mentioned the brightness of our future or the tough job ahead of all of us or how America is ready to lead the world again, the T.V. cameras got a shot of WPE and he looked like the before shots in a hemorrhoid commercial. Priceless! Hey, chimp-dick…we sure hope it’s the last we see of your sorry ass. If you ever set foot in the 775, we’re gonna get a big‘un to break his foot off in your John Brown hind-pot. That’s a promise.



Finally…WTF is the deal with having the inauguration on a Tuesday? Did the former Prime Minister of Australia have all the ballrooms booked over the weekend? SHEESH! Have you ever tried to get an inauguration booty call on a Tuesday? Impossible. Actually, now that pResident GWB is His-To-Ry…nothing seems impossible. See you tonight at the ball.



(8.-)

I Have A Dream

All men are created equal...


Unless you're a woman...


or Spanish is your first language...


or you're attracted to men...


Other than that...you're O.K.




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Hall of Lame

This year...just like every year since they became eligible...Rush has been passed over for induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. WTF are the judges thinking? The nominees this year, in alphabetical order were: Jeff Beck, Chic, Wanda Jackson, Little Anthony & the Imperials, Metallica, Run D.M.C, the Stooges, War and Bobby Womack. We can understand Little Anthony and the Mighty Met. War? Well...we're a little biased. We did a rendition of Why Can't We Be Friends with 'em at Harrah's back in the day. But Run D.M.C.? SHEESH! They're not rockers, they're RAPPERS! Chic? Puh-Leeze...they're a fuckin' DISCO band! AYE CARAMBA! Here at PTB we look at it this way: Until Rush is inducted, it's nothing more than the Hall of Lame.


(8.-)

A Million to One

Times are tough here in the 775. Few people are eating out at restaurants, fewer people are gambling and everyone seems to be pinching pennies. Everyone, that is, except the New York Yankees. So when SK Baseball rolls up to the Reno City Council and asks for millions more in tax dollars we just wanna fusticate something.



SK Baseball wants to build three restaurants and three nightclubs in the city’s new entertainment district which also happens to contain their new baseball stadium. Problem is, they don’t have the money and they want us to give it to ‘em.



Question: If you owned a restaurant or a nightclub in the area, would you want to spend your money financing the very competition that’ll soon drive you out of business? Probably not.



Problem is, Mayor Bob Cashell and the rest of the bobbleheads on the Council are more likely than not to rubberstamp the idea. Why? Because helping developers crap all over the area with their strip malls and entertainment districts is what they do. Help the little guy? Not a chance. Give millions of dollars to bourgie rich motherhubbards? Well, that’s how politicians get reelected.



Here’s one solution for SK Baseball: The New York Yankees are paying just four players a combined $800 million. That’s more money than a lot of countries make. Major league baseball is rolling in dough. Why don’t y’all go ask used car salesman Bud Selig to fork you some scratch? Any politician willing to give that kind of money to a developer should have his or her career take a dirt nap.

(8.-)

One More for the Money

Take this as the crux of an obvious biscuit...


If you lose your house to foreclosure, it is NOT a good idea to take the rest of your money and bet it on a college football game…no matter who is playing or what the spread is…do NOT bet the rest of your money on a college football game! Nothing...repeat...NOTHING good can happen when you do that.



Don't blame it on the...
Alcohol, drugs, genes, Satan.
This one's all on you.


Funny thing is…if the BSC motherhubbard had put his betting money into paying off his mortgage…maybe he’d still have his house. As it is…all he’s got now is a cellmate named Guido, a dead man on his conscience and a future fetching dropped bars of soap.





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Monday Mourning

Bourgie, white, rich, BSC Bernie Madoff steals billions of dollars from investors and gets to stay out of the hoosegow on bail. Poor brown-skinded brotherhubbard gets popped with a doobie and he gets ten years hard time. Those are some fucked up priorities.





Landmark day today…Chimp-Dick gave his final news conference. HUZZAH! Only eight more days ‘til the WPE rides off into the sunset. We were kinda hopin’ he’d ride off a cliff but we’ll take him gone any way we can. Too bad the shit-storm he’s gotten us into is gonna be around for a century or so. SHEESH!





In a survey of a random sample of U.S. emergency physicians, virtually all said they believed that law enforcement officers use excessive force to arrest and detain suspects. Thanks Captain Obvious. A couple of weeks ago BART cops popped a cap in a brother while he was handcuffed and on the ground. A couple of months ago, airport security in Phoenix detained a woman who later died in custody. In Texas, the son of former MLB’er Bobby Tolan was shot in the chest as he was laying face down in his driveway. Those are just a few incidents that we can think of off the top of our heads. A bit of research would uncover lots more. It seems that since 9/11 cops have been of the mindset that their shit doesn’t stink. They act like someone is guilty ‘til proven innocent and consider themselves the judge, jury and executioner of a suspect. Think not? Go up to the next cop you see and flip him/her the bird…that’s the last thing you’ll do as a non-incarcerated person. America the Free? Hardly.




(8.-)

Our Weekend Plans

Sport Stacking. Yeah, it's cool but tonight, we're gonna get together with the guys and do it under the influence...typical of the 775.



Sure hope Mom & Dad don't find out about us using their collection of antique beer steins.





(8.-)

Number One With A Shot and a Chaser

Yee Haw!!! A new report out says that the 775 leads the entire USo’A in heavy drinking. WE’RE NUMBER ONE BAYBEE!!!! Actually, we have a problem with this study. The Center for disease control classifies a heavy drinker as a man who has more than two alcoholic drinks a day…for women, it's more than one per day. WTF kind of Puritanical rat-bastard came up with those numbers? SHEESH! Every hotel, casino, strip club, dance club, liquor store, grocery store and preschool in the 775 offers two for one drink specials. Two drinks? Heck-fire…beer goggles don’t even kick in ‘til the sixth drink!



The problem with studies like this is that they lump everyone into the same category. More than two drinks a day and they consider you an alcoholic. Don’t drink at all and they call you a saint...but not Saint Patrick. Here’s the crux of the biscuit: If you’re a moronic douchebag, it’s not the alcohol doing it…it’s you. Americans tend to play a lot of the blame game. They think their troubles are all caused by something other than themselves. Listen folks…it’s not the alcohol screwing up your life…you’re doing it yourself. Don’t let the Puritans convince you otherwise.




(8.-)

What's the Frequency Kenneth?

FULL DISCLOSURE: Every time you turn on your television, we here at PTB make one MILLION dollars.



For the last couple of days, RGJ/KTVN weather-dude Mike Alger has been lamenting the loss of the region’s NEXRAD radar site. Y'all know NEXRAD...it's the 21st century version of grandma's arthritic knee. Seems the little buggar was made out of toilet paper, scotch tape and bobby pins…NEXRAD…not Mike Alger or grandma. ANYWAY…


Alger tells us that the National Weather Service is getting together parts and pieces and probably won’t have NEXRAD fixed for “several weeks.” Here is the crux of today’s biscuit…


At the little T.V. station we work at, there’s an engineering department consisting of three guys whose only tools are a ball peen hammer, several rolls of duct tape and a couple of different lengths of bailing wire. When our signal goes off the air, the phone lights up like downtown Reno and people raise holy hell. “My T.V. went dark and I’m missing my stories,” shout the blue hairs. “My T.V. won’t work and I was right in the middle of watching American Idol,” say the young’uns. So our engineering boys hustle up the mountain to our transmitter and fix it with the instruments at their disposal…usually within a couple of minutes.


Question is…if the “Little Engineering Department That Could” can fix a multi-million dollar transmitter using a hair dryer, dental floss and Jello…why can’t the National Weather Service fix our NEXRAD in a timely fashion? Your guess is as good as ours but we figure that the only thing the Government-Cheese does quickly is bail out fat-cat Wall Street banker-types. The little guys? Yer on your own. Good thing we have plenty of duct tape!



(8.-)

Pussycat Moan

Like most folks livin’ in the USo’A, those of us here in the 775 have been taking an economic dildo right in the pootie hole. People losing their houses, their jobs, their savings…just thinking about it makes us wanna hurl. But that’s the crux of another biscuit.

Now, more than ever, the citizens of Nevada need effective government, dynamic leadership and a vision for the future. What do we get instead? Governor Jim Gibbons and Lt. Governor Brian Krolicki arguing like a couple of schoolgirls. Neither of ‘em seem to mind that the state’s business is getting pancaked. It looks to us like they’re both wagging the dog.

Every column inch of newsprint, every second of talk radio and every minute of television news devoted to this brouhaha takes the attention away from how crappy these two have been in their respective jobs.

GJG crapped out even before he took office playin’ grab-ass with a woman who wasn’t his wife. Way to lead by example douchebag. Throughout his entire tenure it seems the Gov has been thinking with his little head instead of his big head.

BK on the other hand, is under indictment for his handling of the state’s finances. SHEESH! You’ve gotta really mess things up to be friggin’ indicted. No worries though, the Lt. Governorship was just another small stepping stone to a bigger and better political future. Key word there? “Was.”

Look guys, your shenanigans are embarrassing the whole state. Why don’t you do us all a favor and resign? Let us get people in there who’ll do the job. If y’all still wanna fight…may we suggest a no-holds-barred mud wrestling death match...put that on PPV and we could get the whole state out of debt. We’d sure pay to watch that.

(8.-)

Here We Go Again

2008 sucked.

What’s in store for the next year?

Pray hard for ’09.

(8.-)

Think About Your Troubles

We're sayin' sayonara to 2008 with one thought on our minds...no matter how bad y'all think things are...it could always be worse.


(8.-)

Hard Sell

Intent on winning the “War Against Global Extremism,” defeating the Taliban and finding OBL the USo’A has been quite busy lately over in Afghanistan. Like we said before, it’s a no-win situation. But the government-cheese doesn’t listen to us here at PTB so they’ve whipped out a new weapon…Viagra.




Apparently, the CIA has been using the little blue pill to bribe elder tribesmen out in the backcountry and, according to the Agency, its working. WTF? With all the primo ganja and the top-of-the-line opium in Afghanistan, don’t those poor people have enough trouble with drugs? Here’s the crux of today’s biscuit…




To get Viagra here in the States, you need a ‘scrip from an M.D…elsewise it’s called possession of a controlled substance. But to win over the hearts and minds of the Afghani people we’re bribing ‘em with a controlled substance. SHEESH! We burn the shit out of their pot farms and trash their poppy fields, tellin’ the folks that drugs are bad then we turn around and give ‘em illegal boner pills. And you wonder why we think this war sucks? This is one more reason in a long, long, long list.




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Just Do It

We cannot emphasize this enough…there is nothing…repeat…nothing better than sex. Maybe that’s our take ‘cause we don’t do it nearly as often as we should -- but that’s the crux of a different biscuit.


The problem here in the United States of Puritanism is that most people think sex is a bad thing. It’s not our fault. The government-cheese and those that speak for JZeus’ Dad continually bombard us with the thought that putting tab "A" into slot "B" or slot "C" or slot "D" is wrong. Both groups tell us when we can and cannot do it, where we can and cannot do it and who we can or cannot do it with. SHEESH! Makes you wonder how the species survives. Well, don’t fret peoples. We’ve got good news for y’all.


A report just out says that folks who take "abstinence pledges" and "virginity pledges" are just as likely to have sex as those of y’all who don’t take a pledge. The first thought up from our mind shaft was "DUH!" That’s like saying politicians running on the platform of government ethics are just as likely to take a bribe as say…Rod Blagojevich. Thanks Captain Obvious.


You see, sex is the great motivator. Why else do you think guys buy fancy cars, get educations and occasionally shower? To impress as many ladies as possible with the intention of getting sex. Don’t believe? Ask any guy. Sex is our highest priority. We think about sex almost all the time. That’s why men had to invent sports. ‘Cause if we didn’t, we’d be thinking about sex all the time.


And women aren’t any different from men. Oh sure…they may play shy and innocent and naive but no fire burns hotter than in the loins of a woman. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes, spend so much time putting on makeup and dreaming of the day that they can get breast implants? So they can get more men to have sex with. It’s an entirely natural thing. Much more natural than thinking an Invisible Man in the Sky gives a crap who you do the horizontal tango with. So go for it folks. Dive in with both feet (if that’s your kinda thing). Have sex. Just don’t let the Government-Cheese catch you putting tab "A" into slot "Z."

(8.-)

Falling Down the Mind Shaft

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Christmas Party From Hell

We find it pretty easy to hate the holidays. Three hundred and sixty-four days out of the year people are pricks to you then, all of a sudden, it’s “Merry Christmas!” Bah Humbug. With that said, below is a little ditty from the greatest a cappella band of all time…The Bobs. If you haven’t heard their album Too Many Santas you’re missing out on a holiday treat.

It's the night before the night before Christmas…

old friends together the same time every year.

She's leaving him, but he doesn't know it.

To everyone else it's perfectly clear.

Their holiday party has secrets in the air

something that he doesn't share.

She's found another.

She's movin' on.

The day after New Years she'll be gone.

The guests are uneasy they don't know how to act.

Should they tell him or keep it hushed?

Take a drink and a snack?

Talking behind his back

soon everyone's getting lushed.

It's the night before the night before Christmas…

(8.-)

History Repeats Itself Itself Itself

Back in the day Great Britain had the biggest, baddest army in the whole friggin’ world.

A few years later, the Soviet Union arguably had the biggest, baddest army in the whole friggin’ world.

Nowadays the good ole’ USo'A has the biggest, baddest army in the whole friggin’ world.

Wanna know what they all have in common? They’ve all tried to invade and occupy Afghanistan. The Brits and the Russkies both failed miserably. They got their asses handed to ‘em by a bunch of mujahideen drivin’ camels and shootin’ RPGs made in the ‘50’s. So far, the same thing is happening to us. Now some douchebag with a chest full of fruit salad wants America to commit more troops to the fight in Afghanistan. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again…there’s no way in hell that our army is gonna win in Afghanistan. No. Way.

We’re not trying to be defeatist here, we’re just looking at things through objective eyes. The Afghan people don’t like us, the USo’A has killed thousands of innocent Afghan civilians in strikes against “insurgents” and the President of Afghanistan is seen as a puppet of the U.S. Government. We burn their crops and stop them from making money the only way they know how…by cultivating and processing poppies. There aren’t enough F-22’s in the world to stop the Afghan people from throwing out the “invaders.” Let’s just hope someone on the high side of the chain of command realizes that as well. Elsewise Afghanistan will go 3-0 against the world’s greatest armies and more of our brave soldiers will have died in vain.

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Pissin' 'Em Off

We got into an office pool a while back. The object was to try to figure out which group o’ folks the ‘Bamer was gonna get pissed off first. We chose tighty-righty ‘cause we thought BHOb was gonna take down Dr. Evil on war crimes charges. We were wrong. Nothing unusual there. What is unusual is that he pissed off…wait for it…wait for it…the GAYS! Uh oh.

The GLBT folks are mad, and rightly so, ‘cause the President-elect chose BSC Rick Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration. Rick Fuckin’ Warren. What, Adolph Hitler Campbell wasn’t available? Anyway…that got us to thinkin’ ‘bout who else Barry-O coulda picked to lay out an opening prayer and who that would have pissed off…

Reverend Jeremiah Wright would be the pick that pissed off everyone that still thinks Sadaam Hussein was behind 9/11, that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are still winnable and people who think it’s O.K. to give $700 Billion to the moneychangers.

Bishop Thomas Muthee getting picked would piss off VPILF Sarah Palin, alleged Kenyan witches, accused Kenyan witches and actual Kenyan witches.

FLDS President Warren Jeffs as a pick would piss off anyone who’s never been married, anyone who’s been married to Warren Jeffs and the entire state of Utah.

Picking Pastor Ted Haggard would piss off meth addicts, male prostitutes and the entire membership of National Association of Evangelicals.

You see…no matter who the ‘Bamer picked for his inaugural invocation, someone was gonna get mad. That is, unless he picked the rotted corpse of Mother Theresa to give the invocation. She probably doesn't look much different.

(8.-)

Crack Crackers

The Reno City Council has proven once again that they have the collective brain power of a sack of doorknobs. Last night the Council reduced a moratorium on new liquor licenses to just the area around Wells Avenue. Why just the Wells Avenue area? Could it be because it is a predominately brown-skinded neighborhood? We don’t put it past the crackers on the Council to less-than-subtly show their racist sides.




Some brotherhubbard was quoted in the RGJ saying, "Liquor stores contribute to loitering, public drunkenness, armed robbery and the recent murder of a store clerk." Ummm...no. Liquor stores contribute taxes to the state, county and city. They provide jobs and convenient places to shop for neighborhood residents. Don’t blame liquor stores for the sins of a few douchebags. Responsibility for the crimes mentioned lies directly in the laps of the perps.




Dude went on to show the Council a “crack pipe” he says he bought at a local liquor store saying the stores sell drug paraphernalia. This is the kind of cheese-dick mentality that permeates the 775. Listen up short-bus ...it's not a crack pipe 'til you smoke crack out of it. Elsewise, it's just a pipe.





(8.-)

Fuhrer Furor

Last week little ‘Dolph Campbell turned three years old. For his birthday, ‘Dolph’s ‘rents wanted to throw him a party and get him a cake with his name on it…typical all-American family thing to do. So, the Campbells went to their local ShopRite and placed their order. That’s when the shit dropped to shoe level. The store-folks refused to put the tyke’s moniker on the celebratory confection because his full name is…get this…Adolph Hitler Campbell. Aye Caramba!




A spokeshead for ShopRite said that they reserve the right not to print anything on a cake that they deem to be “inappropriate.” WTF would ShopRite know about “inappropriate?” Besides, how is a baby’s name inappropriate? Would they refuse to put a name on a cake if it was Osama bin Laden Johannsen? Attila the Hun Smith? George W. Bush?




Now, everyone knows there are some BSC ‘rents out there and they can get pretty creative when naming their l’il ones. Remember Moon Unit Zappa? But the crux of today’s biscuit is simple…




In the USo’A you can name your little one anything you want and ShopRite has no right refusing to put that name on a birthday cake. You might not like the person’s name, you might not like the person’s color or national origin or sexual orientation but, in America ALL men are created equal…even Adolph Hitler Campbell.



(8.-)

Rag Arm

Normally we don’t go back-to-back with subjects here at PTB. But the Iraqi shoe dude was even funnier than when Chimp-Dick almost died from an attack by snack food. It was so friggin’ hilarious it got us to thinkin’…

The dumbass missed twice at close range. Now the Red Sox want to sign him to counter all the money the Yankees gave pitchers C.C. Sabathia and AJ Burnett.

No wonder Bush hates the media…Helen Thomas woulda KILLED him with one of her shoes! Good thing Bob Lanier wasn’t in the crowd.

Think about it…shoe-dude, in his whole life, was probably picked last for dodgeball every time. GWB, on the other hand played a lot of dodgeball during and after college. It was either dodgeball or Vietnam. Now you know.

Betcha we could pay off the national debt, bail out the banking, the insurance and the auto industry if we offer everyone in the USo’A the opportunity to throw their shoe at pResident Bush for a dollar. We’d pay a couple of bucks to toss our Chuck Taylors.

We noticed the shoe dude was wearing the latest Nike Air Amman, Jordans.

A Muslim's worst insult to a person is to show the bottom of his/her shoes/feet…Worst insult to an Irishman? Running outta beers then takin’ away the friggin’ keys!

Ever wonder how things would be different today if Lee Harvey Oswald woulda used a shoe?

(8.-)

Shoe Fly

In the Islamic world there's no bigger insult than someone hitting you with a shoe. It's their version of flipping someone the bird. Remember what the Iraqis did to Saddam Hussein's statue? YIKES! Over the weekend an Iraqi journalist tossed not one, but two shoes at pResident Bush. Guess he was thanking Chimp-Dick for all we've done for his country. Just think of it...if that brown-skinded brother had any taste in footwear, G-Dub woulda been JFK'd by a red Prada stiletto. They could call 'em "Go Fuck Yourself" Pumps. Hell of a way to go.


(8.-)

Bubblin' Crude

Well...Jethro got his casino.



Now, finally, the 775 can be known as a mecca of high-end entertainment.




We'll be out back in the cement pond eatin' possum stew from the buffet and drinkin' Granny's 'shine from the combo sports bar/woodshed.




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